... is that I've re-possessed my deceptive self.
I now edit my emails again as I once did before.
I haven't spoken to anyone in quite some time - surprisingly - when was the last time I spoke to a friend on the phone? Last Wednesday. Yes. Last Wednesday. Sad little Suki.
But I was successful in not talking about myself. Or about the nebulous quality of my feelings.
Wasn't so successful on Thursday. When I met a friend. But at least only spoke about it for perhaps 15% of the entire meeting.
I am once again dissimulating, dissembling, pretending, hiding, keeping my secrets close within.
I shall become invisible, not invincible. But invisible is what I was in the past and it served me well.
I shall cease to exist somehow. And when I do, the feelings will stop. The pain will stop. I will stop.
The heart is deceitful above all things. I had my mind, but lost it completely. Along with the stupid phantom emotion that I cared for someone. Or rather, that the feeling was reciprocal. Without us ever having met.
Such an idiot.
Instead of progressing and having less shit to deal with, less people to forgive, less of my misdeeds, or my missing the mark, less wounds to heal - I've accumulated so much more in the tiny span of three months.
I SHALL CEASE TO EXIST. EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY AND SPIRITUALLY. I HAVE TO.
Just become ordinary, a person of no consequence. Bland beige in a sea of colour. Dispensible. A cog in the wheel of life.
I cannot bear to live with the pain of shame and guilt much longer.
It is all a constant re-run on the inside of my mind. Non-stop. All the bitter aftertaste, none of the sweet pleasure that were those 22 days of late summer.
*Disclaimer: this is not a suicidal post. I am melodramatic, but not that much. There's no point in going down that path again. *
I now edit my emails again as I once did before.
I haven't spoken to anyone in quite some time - surprisingly - when was the last time I spoke to a friend on the phone? Last Wednesday. Yes. Last Wednesday. Sad little Suki.
But I was successful in not talking about myself. Or about the nebulous quality of my feelings.
Wasn't so successful on Thursday. When I met a friend. But at least only spoke about it for perhaps 15% of the entire meeting.
I am once again dissimulating, dissembling, pretending, hiding, keeping my secrets close within.
I shall become invisible, not invincible. But invisible is what I was in the past and it served me well.
I shall cease to exist somehow. And when I do, the feelings will stop. The pain will stop. I will stop.
The heart is deceitful above all things. I had my mind, but lost it completely. Along with the stupid phantom emotion that I cared for someone. Or rather, that the feeling was reciprocal. Without us ever having met.
Such an idiot.
Instead of progressing and having less shit to deal with, less people to forgive, less of my misdeeds, or my missing the mark, less wounds to heal - I've accumulated so much more in the tiny span of three months.
I SHALL CEASE TO EXIST. EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY AND SPIRITUALLY. I HAVE TO.
Just become ordinary, a person of no consequence. Bland beige in a sea of colour. Dispensible. A cog in the wheel of life.
I cannot bear to live with the pain of shame and guilt much longer.
It is all a constant re-run on the inside of my mind. Non-stop. All the bitter aftertaste, none of the sweet pleasure that were those 22 days of late summer.
*Disclaimer: this is not a suicidal post. I am melodramatic, but not that much. There's no point in going down that path again. *
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