I fell asleep last night. Before reciting anything. I did the same thing for the 19th night. I feel guilt, only because it feels that if I haven't prayed then He won't help me. Which is ridiculous, of course. His generosity is not conditional on my petty pleas and tears.
I had to leave the house.
Is God really that cruel?
I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber.
Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things.
God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________.
Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen.
God, I feel like crap.
God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able to connect with me. I haven't really felt any assurety in ages.
I used feel familiar with You.
You are now a stranger to me. How can that be? That my Creator is closer to all others He has created....
... and not me?
Not directly to me.
And all I have are people who treat me shabbily, who I attract and who misunderstand me or lecture me.
Who ask me questions about myself to which I have no answers.
I miss plump opportunities.
I miss jobs.
I follow leads that seem to go nowhere.
I have people look at me with pity and it kills me.
I forget how connected I felt yesterday. What a really good day yesterday was. I haven't forgotten, and yet I have.
All because I didn't stay up for Laylatul Qadr - didn't fulfil my "duty"....
I don't think it's fair.
I seek refuge in You from myself.
If no one knows anything and nothing is certain.... then I seek refuge in You.
Whirlpools of confusion. Do I really have a place here? Do I really belong? Why is it not easier?
I want to review my agreement with You, Allah. I think I made a mistake. A huge one.
To think, I imagined my birth family to be the ones to trust - and I feel they are my enemy.
My friends are there and also not there....
And now, I have been told that in order to get over my obsessions, my homework is to speak to all four blokes simultaneously in order to break my pattern. To not make each of them some fairytale "the one".
It is FINAL.
THE ONE died under the double-decker.
I am left with "most compatible".
And no one knows anything.
And, so yeah. I ask You to decide what a good job is for me, You know everything. My knowledge is limited.
Let everything fall apart.
I wish I was normal.
I'll write a nicer post another day. About nice, fluffy bunny-like things. About my lovely day yesterday.
Today is a better day - I just can't understand it.
After all, I always seek the best. So today is the best for me.
Having said that, dear Allah, release me from this Hell. Release me from these living conditions and grant me BETTER living conditions. I leave the details up to you.
You know what is best for me. I haven't a clue any longer.
I keep tearing up today. No wonder - I've had a week of healing sessions almost daily. The ones with Sidra always seem to disappoint me the most, mainly because it's so mundane - my shit is so mundane.
I keep thinking I am less than others.
I keep thinking I have to postpone my life until ideal conditions. Postpone talking to the guys on the website until I have a job, a place of my own, lots of money, confidence, love myself completely... live a life I am proud of.
Suki, my dearest Suki, this is life. This is it. This is it. Tu comprends?
Ici, c'est la vie.
Il n'y a d'autre réalité.
Celui-ci - c'est tout.
Oh Allah, when will you answer me in a gentle and loving way?
When?
I know you will - when?
It just seems like the pain never stops.
The fears never dissolve.
The humiliations never cease. They seem to be perpetual.
We are all so feeble and weak. Help us all.
23rd August is gonna be even more awesome than today.
I shall not drag my past with me any longer.
I reclaim all lost fragments of myself, integrate all parts of myself with compassion, grace, love and kindness.
I forgive myself for putting myself through all of that and for remaining in the same position I am right now.
For to react in any other way will kill a little more of my soul.
Destiny, decree, free will?
Qui sait? Pas moi... mes chères, pas moi.
Alhamdolillah. Merci à Dieu pour tout.
I had to leave the house.
Is God really that cruel?
I walked all the way here to find out about the tutoring centre. It's shut until 11th September. Now walk to Tesco for measly boxes of chocolates and orange juice and a cucumber.
Playing the field is really not something I am comfortable with. Maybe if I rephrase that - making friends is something I am good at. Those four people who have messaged me are just that. People with whom I can talk to about random things.
God, I feel so hurt and vulnerable and __________________.
Having said that, allow yourself to be surprised and just let things happen.
God, I feel like crap.
God feels far away, I perceive that He hates me and is no longer able to connect with me. I haven't really felt any assurety in ages.
I used feel familiar with You.
You are now a stranger to me. How can that be? That my Creator is closer to all others He has created....
... and not me?
Not directly to me.
And all I have are people who treat me shabbily, who I attract and who misunderstand me or lecture me.
Who ask me questions about myself to which I have no answers.
I miss plump opportunities.
I miss jobs.
I follow leads that seem to go nowhere.
I have people look at me with pity and it kills me.
I forget how connected I felt yesterday. What a really good day yesterday was. I haven't forgotten, and yet I have.
All because I didn't stay up for Laylatul Qadr - didn't fulfil my "duty"....
I don't think it's fair.
I seek refuge in You from myself.
If no one knows anything and nothing is certain.... then I seek refuge in You.
Whirlpools of confusion. Do I really have a place here? Do I really belong? Why is it not easier?
I want to review my agreement with You, Allah. I think I made a mistake. A huge one.
To think, I imagined my birth family to be the ones to trust - and I feel they are my enemy.
My friends are there and also not there....
And now, I have been told that in order to get over my obsessions, my homework is to speak to all four blokes simultaneously in order to break my pattern. To not make each of them some fairytale "the one".
It is FINAL.
THE ONE died under the double-decker.
I am left with "most compatible".
And no one knows anything.
And, so yeah. I ask You to decide what a good job is for me, You know everything. My knowledge is limited.
Let everything fall apart.
I wish I was normal.
I'll write a nicer post another day. About nice, fluffy bunny-like things. About my lovely day yesterday.
Today is a better day - I just can't understand it.
After all, I always seek the best. So today is the best for me.
Having said that, dear Allah, release me from this Hell. Release me from these living conditions and grant me BETTER living conditions. I leave the details up to you.
You know what is best for me. I haven't a clue any longer.
I keep tearing up today. No wonder - I've had a week of healing sessions almost daily. The ones with Sidra always seem to disappoint me the most, mainly because it's so mundane - my shit is so mundane.
I keep thinking I am less than others.
I keep thinking I have to postpone my life until ideal conditions. Postpone talking to the guys on the website until I have a job, a place of my own, lots of money, confidence, love myself completely... live a life I am proud of.
Suki, my dearest Suki, this is life. This is it. This is it. Tu comprends?
Ici, c'est la vie.
Il n'y a d'autre réalité.
Celui-ci - c'est tout.
Oh Allah, when will you answer me in a gentle and loving way?
When?
I know you will - when?
It just seems like the pain never stops.
The fears never dissolve.
The humiliations never cease. They seem to be perpetual.
We are all so feeble and weak. Help us all.
23rd August is gonna be even more awesome than today.
I shall not drag my past with me any longer.
I reclaim all lost fragments of myself, integrate all parts of myself with compassion, grace, love and kindness.
I forgive myself for putting myself through all of that and for remaining in the same position I am right now.
For to react in any other way will kill a little more of my soul.
Destiny, decree, free will?
Qui sait? Pas moi... mes chères, pas moi.
Alhamdolillah. Merci à Dieu pour tout.
Comments
How I admire your honesty before Him. I can relate to the disconnectedness and the falling short, yet I haven't held myself accountable. I haven't let myself feel the weight of all it is I'm doing, or rather not doing. I'm scared...more than anything, that I won't care. That even after knowing and contemplating on my short comings, I've let so much love for the dunya enter my heart, that I won't be truly regretful.
Hang in there love. We will talk this weekend inshaAllah (and yes I will email you closer to and work out a time).
*hug*