Sigh

I've just deactivated Facebook.

This low mood just prevails.

So, what have I done today?

One load of laundry. Grocery shopping. Photocopied something for my father (after a month of his asking me). Posted the acceptance form for more temp work at the council (I'll be posting more flyers in doors - and earning some much-needed money, not as much as I earned last time, though).

Almost finished making my bed. Finished editing Sarah's nursing application (which she asked me to look over almost two months ago and I couldn't bear to touch it until today, when another of her emails guilted me into action. Good it did.).

Beat myself up for a lot of the time, though. Cannot understand why it is so easy for me to become so obnoxiously rude to a complete stranger.

It's just as Nicole told me today: sometimes, we all go a little nuts.

Oh, yes. And got into another emotional mood and finally told my dad that I am not getting Job Seeker's Allowance for the next six months. I hate keeping secrets, even if their revelation is to my detriment. I still have to go to the Job Centre this Friday. Don't want to go.

Cannot get through to Sidra. Sent one text, left one phone message, sent one email. Obviously, it looks paltry, but she has her life and her reasons for not getting back to me.

I hate making myself feel so helpless. And despondent.

Well, at least I'm off from Facebook. The sigh is one of relief. Ek aur bhutt ko chhor diya.

I pray my mojo and inspiration comes back. It will. Last week was so good. I was able to support so many of my friends. I went to the mosque thrice. I had energy.

I've been in a weird frame of mind for quite a long time. I really thought I loved him. I really thought he was the one, that I was ready, that it would be this easy. I also thought that it wouldn't be this difficult and hard to get over someone.

But, I'm almost there. I've been entrusting my guardian angel with all thoughts as they crop up. Soon I shall forgive myself, forgive him and forget him.

I really pray to God that I can balance now. Enough is enough. Move on. Get a career. Figure it all out.

And resist the temptation to be rude. AT ALL COSTS. No matter how you feel or what the other person has done or said or thought: customers in Oxfam, the guy at Londis, Imran, your father: anyone and everyone. The way of the Prophet, of the Imams and of all decent folk is to maintain courteous behaviour. To maintain a good tongue, as others maintain their ill mannered ways.

Being rude and discourteous lowers you in God's esteem, in your own esteem, and it ruins all your relationships and it brings about your Karma in a not so nice way.

I lost a decent friend, or person who could have become a friend, because of my aggressively foul mouth. He'd even mentioned it: my language has to be a notch less rude. He never swore at me, never said anything remotely offensive. Why couldn't I extend to him (and to everyone else) the same courtesy?

I pray that the next time I fall in love, it won't be so miserably pathetic as the first time.

And that I and he are both ready for it. And that it will be with the one I am meant to marry, not just another soul mate teaching me life lessons. And that it lasts longer than... what? 30? 60? 90? days. That I end up marrying the guy and staying in a loving, reciprocal, happy marriage until one of us dies.

1. Lesson one: don't go on a matrimonial website when you're not truly ready to marry.
2. Lesson two: stop acting out of fear and lack in trust in yourself and in God.
3. Lesson three: learn to truly love and accept yourself first. Make your life work.
4. Lesson four: Resist the urge to be rude AT ALL COSTS. Being rude and sarky doesn't show how witty, intelligent and sophisticated you are, it shows how rude and sarky and ill mannered you are.
5. Lesson five: Recognise when you are projecting onto others.
6. Lesson six: Love hurts, but that doesn't mean you stop from falling in love again.
7. Lesson seven: Cut down on the emo emails to any prospective husband. It is a fallacy to think that intimacy means you share every last detail of your life and your thoughts and your past.
8. Lesson eight: Rejection isn't personal. You don't become less when someone rejects you. It is the right of the person to refuse. (especially when you gave him no choice but to, when you showed all of your ugly side and not enough of your good side. Imagine how you'd have behaved with his mum and siblings?!).
9. Lesson nine: I can forgive and unconditionally love. I'm trying, and it's getting easier.

~~~

Plans for tomorrow:
Wake up at 6:30am.
Go for a jog at 7:30am.
Hug a tree.
Talk to a duck.
Begin to write the (extremely overdue) review for Mindfulness for Dummies.

I'm sure I'll come up with something else.

Iltemas-e-dua.

How sad.

This is the journal entry of someone who was supposed to do something grand, of having finally overcome obstacles, only to be stuck in the same position as she was nine months ago. Now, her voice doesn't even want to escape her throat when talking to anyone in the library or the shops.

Bloody brilliant. Cosmic.