quelques leçons

I've been racking my brain for the lessons to learn: the real lessons, not the airy fairy, "oh I'm in love with a figment of my imagination because my self-esteem is really that low that I'd believe my own feelings of union and then, this was verified by whatsoever Sidra told me about him being a soul mate. So I made that the reason for pursuing him, and taking all the rubbish he's fed me and, furthermore, asking for more and "counselling" him when he disposed of me like a wet-wipe and hoping against hope.. for what?"

1. I fear men (the male species)
2. I hate men (the male species)
3. I will do anything to harm myself, to self-sabotage. Subconsciously, of course.
4. I have extremely, extremely low self-esteem
5. I should not trust people so easily, or tell them that I trust them. Or trust them full stop. Or tell them everything. It's just my notion, my mental fabrication. No basis in truth. Boundaries must be set and maintained.
6. I will not even begin looking for someone to legally screw until my father is gone from this world. He embarrasses me too much. And until I have renovated the house. It embarrasses me too much.
7. I am embarrassed about me being me, my family being what it is and almost everything.
8. I always look to outside of myself for security, for reassurance, for self-worth and value and validation: Tazeen, Imran, Sidra, istekharas, I Ching, tarot, horoscopes, numerology and compatibility.... where has that gotten me? I am sitting here on a gorgeous Sunday morning, 10:30 am, sad, morose, tearing up, beating myself up, injuring my body through throwing glasses in the kitchen and last week I hit myself on the head again in frustration. One of the triggers of my augmented distress is somewhere, sleeping or laughing it up. Who's suffering except me? No one.
9. I have control issues. I want to consume everyone I know, and be consumed. I have issues.
10. I have strong sadistic-masochistic tendencies. The dominatrix Freudian slip was a slip of harsh truth.
11. I need to find work to do so I can earn my money. I hate being on the dole. But I am too scared or proud to work, I can't figure out which is more.
12. I identify myself with my depression. It isn't just masochistic pleasure out of being miserable. It is fear of being happy. Because I know it won't last, and I have this petrifying fear that not only do I not deserve to be happy and successful and in the flow, but if I experience it for too long, God will get fed up and take revenge by hitting me hard.
13. I hate myself. I am my worse enemy. Every time I curse my enemies, I am actually cursing myself.
14. Keep everything to yourself. Nobody gives a shit how you feel. Everyone has their life to lead. You are of no significance.
15. Although this is the last istekhara I hope I shall ever have taken out, I should have followed it. Having not followed it, I have now made completely sure that I do follow them in future. Or ever take them out. At least, not in the archaic way my mother wanted me to.
16. I need to summarise and write short emails and blog posts. No one cares about my inner world save for me.

Apart from this, I am not learning any lessons whatsoever. So much for being intelligent. So much for my spot-on intuition. So much for humility and learning and growing.

Except to be extremely grateful to God that He allowed me to make such an ass of myself, to bring about my own complete and absolute humiliation so that all the arrogance that had been creeping up within was smashed to pieces; the idol of myself was smashed to pieces once again.

I'm sure there's other stuff to be said, but since it's all self-beating and heavy energy and thoughts... it's not really beneficial to mine own self.