Today, explore the issue of boundaries. As a Four, are you so self-absorbed that you assume everyone is interested in your feelings and inner world? Can you refrain from talking about yourself so much—especially when it is not appropriate?
Man, if anything was more geared towards my current frame of mind, it would be on a cactus rammed up my arse!
I keep messing things up, don't I? Thank GOD for Sidra and Tazeen. You guys were God's way of saving my ass. From being the impulsive little weirdo that I am.
I was totally nasha-o-fied. Insanity. Love is insanity. And it wasn't even love. Because, would I be getting over it so quickly? (Well, sort of.) It was desperation. Fear of abandonment kicked up like a little mule's legs. Or I was playing the part of an abused, feral kitten who wanted to love and be loved so badly, from the core of my entire being, but scratched and hissed and attacked Imran because he was a male who reminded me of the past pain.
His being in my life activated all the deep scabs and scars. I am a man-hater. Or, rather:
Well, as Tarzan asked me: could you control it? You're in pain now. After your efforts to control it. "Control is an illusion".
I thought I had taken care of all of that. That I was impervious like a rock. I saw everyone else in love and couldn't relate. I was happy that I couldn't relate. It seemed like to much drama and pain for me to handle.
Now I can relate. And, apparently, I can take the pain and let it go (slowly and surely, I shall succeed in doing it). I'm an alchemist, transforming my negative attributes and pain into something worthwhile and magnificent. I have a long journey ahead and need my wits about me.
I will apologise for the obsession that compelled me to yak away to you all until your ears bled dry. I will apologise for the long-ass emails I've sent you regarding this thing. I will apologise for encroaching upon all of your boundaries.
But, this blog, I can't apologise for. It's mine, yeah? My heart and soul. And I'm privileged that you acknowledge me (little vain tart that I am!) by reading it :)
I was infatuated with the idea of being loved and in love. I want it SO BADLY NOW. I'm the stupid romantic, who still believes her Mr Thornton is out there. And will be willing to dress up in a cravat because he looks so sexy in it ;)
I messed up.
But, you guys have shown how absolutely priceless good friends are. You'll all forgive me and fly back to me.
La vie est merde, mais...
How does one go from not being able to live at all to living such a soul-expanding experience?
I'm trying out the self-love, but still beating myself up for being so consciously naive. Knowing and doing it all the same.
Ah, bon.
I'll relate better to the people who come to me in the capacity of a counsellor. Life experience number one: tick! Counselling training is just that wee bit closer, now! ;)
Now to focus on creating the abundance in order to pay £4,000 a year! *glazed look*
And connecting back with God. And, parallel, myself.
I can be better than the person I am pretending to be right now.
I can change my thoughts, my beliefs and my actions. I can let go of the self-sabotage and work towards acting as though I was my own best friend.
Today's promise to self: let go of Imran Lakha for good. In thought, belief, words and actions. Not hold a candle for him that maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll come flying back to me. And keep doing it daily until it's actually achieved. It is an accessible target.
He won't. He's him. He's a little odd. He's very brusque, blunt and has issues that I can not possibly work with. There's this barrier that I tried to reach through, but he wouldn't let me. Not his fault, not mine. What's the point in blame or "coulda" and "shoulda"?
I did the best I could with my knowledge and experience at the time. One day, I'll truly accept that he was doing the same.
He an amazing person and I can still feel the solid, stable goodness that permeates his Soul and aura. It still hurts that I might never be able to continue with him in my life. But he was just a figment of my perceived reality.
He does not exist anymore for me. I release my clutches upon him. I set myself free. With love. Because, it's now prepared me a little better for when Travis comes strolling (or skipping!) into my life.
I might have to print out the emo and self obsessed and intend-to-generate-guilt-and-awakening email and burn it symbolically, though.
I did it once, but it didn't really work.
It will this time.
P.S. Honestly, how fucking desperate can someone be for love and affection and attention from another person on the outside? I am somehow unable to manage to do it for myself.
Harsh truths and realisations.
Man, if anything was more geared towards my current frame of mind, it would be on a cactus rammed up my arse!
I keep messing things up, don't I? Thank GOD for Sidra and Tazeen. You guys were God's way of saving my ass. From being the impulsive little weirdo that I am.
I was totally nasha-o-fied. Insanity. Love is insanity. And it wasn't even love. Because, would I be getting over it so quickly? (Well, sort of.) It was desperation. Fear of abandonment kicked up like a little mule's legs. Or I was playing the part of an abused, feral kitten who wanted to love and be loved so badly, from the core of my entire being, but scratched and hissed and attacked Imran because he was a male who reminded me of the past pain.
His being in my life activated all the deep scabs and scars. I am a man-hater. Or, rather:
11:19 Imran
but you seem to have this ANTI-MAN/BOY shield that you put up when you feel threated and you give me the impression that you will never trust another man ever!
I wanted to control how I was left because of my flaws, whether or not I felt pain. I wanted to be in my Power. I feel I was doing my best. Ah, ben. Your best is different on different days.Well, as Tarzan asked me: could you control it? You're in pain now. After your efforts to control it. "Control is an illusion".
I thought I had taken care of all of that. That I was impervious like a rock. I saw everyone else in love and couldn't relate. I was happy that I couldn't relate. It seemed like to much drama and pain for me to handle.
Now I can relate. And, apparently, I can take the pain and let it go (slowly and surely, I shall succeed in doing it). I'm an alchemist, transforming my negative attributes and pain into something worthwhile and magnificent. I have a long journey ahead and need my wits about me.
I will apologise for the obsession that compelled me to yak away to you all until your ears bled dry. I will apologise for the long-ass emails I've sent you regarding this thing. I will apologise for encroaching upon all of your boundaries.
But, this blog, I can't apologise for. It's mine, yeah? My heart and soul. And I'm privileged that you acknowledge me (little vain tart that I am!) by reading it :)
I was infatuated with the idea of being loved and in love. I want it SO BADLY NOW. I'm the stupid romantic, who still believes her Mr Thornton is out there. And will be willing to dress up in a cravat because he looks so sexy in it ;)
I messed up.
But, you guys have shown how absolutely priceless good friends are. You'll all forgive me and fly back to me.
La vie est merde, mais...
How does one go from not being able to live at all to living such a soul-expanding experience?
I'm trying out the self-love, but still beating myself up for being so consciously naive. Knowing and doing it all the same.
Ah, bon.
I'll relate better to the people who come to me in the capacity of a counsellor. Life experience number one: tick! Counselling training is just that wee bit closer, now! ;)
Now to focus on creating the abundance in order to pay £4,000 a year! *glazed look*
And connecting back with God. And, parallel, myself.
I can be better than the person I am pretending to be right now.
I can change my thoughts, my beliefs and my actions. I can let go of the self-sabotage and work towards acting as though I was my own best friend.
Today's promise to self: let go of Imran Lakha for good. In thought, belief, words and actions. Not hold a candle for him that maybe he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll come flying back to me. And keep doing it daily until it's actually achieved. It is an accessible target.
He won't. He's him. He's a little odd. He's very brusque, blunt and has issues that I can not possibly work with. There's this barrier that I tried to reach through, but he wouldn't let me. Not his fault, not mine. What's the point in blame or "coulda" and "shoulda"?
I did the best I could with my knowledge and experience at the time. One day, I'll truly accept that he was doing the same.
He an amazing person and I can still feel the solid, stable goodness that permeates his Soul and aura. It still hurts that I might never be able to continue with him in my life. But he was just a figment of my perceived reality.
He does not exist anymore for me. I release my clutches upon him. I set myself free. With love. Because, it's now prepared me a little better for when Travis comes strolling (or skipping!) into my life.
I might have to print out the emo and self obsessed and intend-to-generate-guilt-and-awakening email and burn it symbolically, though.
I did it once, but it didn't really work.
It will this time.
P.S. Honestly, how fucking desperate can someone be for love and affection and attention from another person on the outside? I am somehow unable to manage to do it for myself.
Harsh truths and realisations.
Comments