It's a beautiful song, Tazeen tagged me, it's more her kind of song, I don't usually go for these songs...it's lovely though.... and... I can no longer relate to any of these heartbreak songs... which is refreshing. And liberating.
A few minutes later...
Well, I thought so, until I just did a few yoga poses to start my exercise routine and remembered Imran and started crying. Sigh. What is it with me being so EMO? Then I went to his Facebook profile and just kept saying I'm sorry for being so nasty to him. Gosh... my more aware question is show me how I can completely forgive myself for doing that, please.
Spoke to Sidra: she said I was coming across as intimidated, which was accurate. Said that I'm using all the healing stuff as an excuse to not start living my life. She even said that her client, a 16 year old girl, asked how I was because she picked up from my email that I was sad... Jesus, even her clients are more gifted, open and aware than I am !!!!
Gave me an example of how something really pained her and she said fuck healing it, I'm just going to live my life.
Always funny how my other friends... Ashiya and Sarah and Tazeen and Madiha to be exact... never needed a single energy healing or visualisation in order to live their lives, be the mistresses of their destinies.... :)
Ali told me he wanted to drive one hour to Morden for a coffee when we spoke on Monday night... I was so effed up that day, and felt like his interest and energy was totally invading my space... I felt like I was being attacked.... so I just flatly said No, I don't want to spoil it for the both of us if I am still in this mood, then he said well maybe I can cheer you up etc... I said no again and then he's like Okay, computer says no. And laughed.
And then I said when the time is right, we'll meet. I'll meet him during my cousin's wedding... inshallah he will keep the date and not cancel.
Look, Ali, you're an amazing person, I'm sure. But I can totally tell we are on different wavelengths and the best thing is I am not crazily in love with you so I can't see that. I can't be the person you need and you are not the person I need in my life :)
And I love you as the guy who... I dunno.... I really dunno. I'll do some proper healing on you soon, I promise <3
What is this apathy...?
Sometimes a part of me says "not good enough" about the guys... Imran, Ali.... "too ordinary, not aware or awake" but then also it's me being the turtle in the shell. Everyone meets people.... oh well. I shall when I choose to. At least the phone conversations are getting to be a piece of cake.
After spending two months in the Persephone energy and I really really want to be like her... still.
She said to show other people their gifts and mine will be shown to me. Nada, zilch.
I feel so ordinary.
Still expecting life to happen.... still scared... still a little dazed and confused.
At least I feel like doing the ordinary writing again. I will definitely go for a jog today. I don't care. I still have to take a shower first though. Yes, I succumbed this morning.... just some random soul mate energy I made up. Wasn't even tempted to switch back to Imran. Toast.
And this entire redundant thing about household chores and cooking and sigh.....
Sharif's wedding in three weeks. Sabira Khala is manifesting my clothes for me, she'll be getting them for me from Stanmore... bless her. I accept this gesture, I don't want to go all the way to Stanmore if I can help it, it'll just remind me of Imran all over again.... he's just a guy!!! It's not like he's CAKE!!!!
I just checked his horoscope. It's fine.
I have 100 free minutes and don't even feel like speaking to Ali - lol. Remind me not to change my cell phone benefits to suit a guy :P although, he now knows that I'm not earning and what life is like. I just told him... he was kind of badgering me... saying I don't say anything, saying that he gets the feeling I want to tell him something but am not....anyway... it's not like he's calling me, is it?
Tazeen said the same two days ago.
There is nothing left to tell, is there?
I hate being in virtual relationships.... I really do... it isolates me and then I act weirdly when I meet real people.
Okay... better get off.
Keep getting seriously dehydrated.. am SO glad I didn't go to TO for the cousin's wedding... one) still snow and cold 2) the email my khala sent me. I'm waiting a while before I send her the response.... not really much use since.... well, past attempts were fruitless.... the energy of the email is like slash, slash, slash.... :) *runs away*
To: Sukaina Juma
Sent: Wednesday, 29 February 2012, 23:20
Subject: Salaam
How are you keeping? Since you don't make an effort to stay in touch, I thought I'd drop in a line as Farida khala told me your dad informed her you're working and come back late, by 10pm, so I don't know when to cal you.
I get your news from your friend Sara Hussein...she's sweet to update me as to what's going on with you. I get in touch with her on fb as I don't have her phone number and hardly go to mosque.
Shirin aunty's here for Mustafa Kamani's wedding.. she flew in on Monday. The rest of the gang all start flying in around the 10th of March of so. As far as I know, they're having 16 guests staying at the Kamani residence, not including the residents.
Milad is on 15th at 5:30pm on Thursday, and mehendi application is on Friday, though I suggested she have it on Thursday after milad as color won't come out strong enough in one day. Let's see.
Wedding's @ Jaffari at 3pm and I'll be picked up by Raza in the morning as have to do up Zehra's hair and make-up for the day..she's wearing a saree... I think peach is the color quoted to me.
Satharo's to take place, but depending on how number of people invited by Sana's mom, I have doubts as to us attending.
Have enough clothes, Alhamdulillah. How about you? All set up for Sharif's wedding? Same date as the wedding here. Nasimbhabi's coming for the wedding so should be interesting. Take your camera and shoot loads of fotoz and email them to us so we can see what everyone's wearing and what everyone looks like, specially the laadi and laado..
!!
!!Take care. Make sure to include yourself in the pics so I get to see what you look like. Apply makeup and blow dry your hair...... have fun.
~~~~
my response, still in the drafts file is this. It's still too kooky for the LEBs... so I gotta ask someone before I send it. Or just send it. It's what I want to say, I'll put a love spell on it. Previously, when Imran, Tazeen, Sidra or anyone else wrote me an email to which I took offence, I would be up in arms and respond with my first thoughts and feelings straight away... or fume about it and be hounded for days on end about what they think about me. I still do with regards to Sidra and Tazeen.. Imran, well tough cookie for him and khala.... nothing. She's clueless.
And, in March 2012... since my first contact with Divine love on 14th October 2010.... I just don't care. I am vibrating at a level where it really doesn't matter.
I only wish that Sarah would not talk to my khala about me, I tell Sarah everything :( so that means my khala knows everything then.
And my dad tells people rubbish too. Fuck. it's actually the same crap as always... let it go, Suki. No drama.
I know it's my decision and you don't know how the aunt will react, but can either of you - Ash and Madihu - tell me if it sounds okay or does it sound like I am blaming her or allowing her to affect me in any way? I ain't in any rush to respond... I want love and light and healing to flow through the email :) Create better karma and all that. I think it's still too philosophical for her. But I can't keep my mouth shut and not speak my truth.
Salaam alaikum Khalajaan,
In the eyes of love, all people are doing the best they can from their own levels of consciousness.
~ Deepak Chopra
Thank you for writing to me.
I am sure that you will have a really nice time at Mustafa's wedding.
I'll make sure to take photos at Sharif's wedding. I have clothes to wear to his wedding.
I trust you are keeping well and will be able to heal the cysts when you are ready to do so.
There are very good reasons why I choose not to stay in touch, Khalajaan.
I shall be honest and speak my truth here today, since I am now in a position to say it with love and respect for both of us.
It's just too much drama... if the tone of this email is anything to go by.
When I feel I am able to speak to you and not feel shred to pieces by the expectations and judgements you have about me, when I am comfortable having you compare me to other people and their lives, when I feel that I can accept myself exactly as I am, and not choose to take offence if you don't accept me for who I am right now... I will of course be calling you, speaking to you and having a wonderful conversation which we BOTH enjoy.
Right now, I am working hard to maintain my inner peace. I keep spiralling down and feel like harming myself through various means in self-punishment and frustration - I react harshly when people say things that I feel are an attack on me.
That means removing myself from all situations that pain me for the time being as I work on maintaining my own happiness through what feels right to ME, not what someone else feels is right for me.
I want to be at peace and that means doing things that bring me peace and avoiding things that bring me distress.
Once I am at peace, then I am in a position to treat and speak to other people from a peaceful perspective, not in a destructive way. I will be able to treat them with respect and make them feel good about themselves. And not take offence if they can not reflect the same kindness in their words and actions towards me.
And not have to cry for half an hour after each phone call, or have to delete emails and not respond to them because the energy behind them makes me feel like I am worse than the scum of the earth and I would regret replying to them in reaction.
I am doing my best each day.
You are the only one who knows deep within yourself what's right for you, and you are living your life accordingly, choosing what to live according to what feels right to you, what brings you happiness and joy and peace.
I am doing the same :)
When the time is right, we will of course reconnect.
I choose not to call you because it is unneccessary suffering for me at this time. I feel like crap after each conversation. I choose to let go of doing that to myself any longer.
In the meantime, I shall be living my life the best as I allow myself to live it right now, in the circumstances I have created.
Lots of love and salaams to Zain Khalu,
Suki xxxx
Okay, I re-read the email. It will go completely over her head. Now what? *drums fingers*
I just came across this photo on FB... LOL
I also came across this on FB just now... reminded me of both Imran and then Ali... but mostly Imran since I loved him... and Tazeen's probing has picked up on the fact he's still in my energy lol. Because I'd rather have a dream than nobody :)
Thank you Immy... for the hope you grew in my heart... for the comfort I found in you being able to see those parts of me that wanted you to show me to myself... my fellow 7-7 mirror :)
Now let's get on with the cake!
Please pray for me that I completely let go of EVERYTHING that I allow to stop me from meeting guys and being myself and finding the right person and settling down with him.
It's heavy... this feeling... heavy... these blocks... heavy..... I need a career and a vocation and a life purpose.... what is my purpose, God? What?
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