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The Birthday Blues

Unfinished conversations,
                 half-baked plans.

A present given with so much thought
and love that I could almost cry;
had I any tears left.

A year on and the promise that I thought I had made to life
                has petered out; it barely smoulders.

Such are the vicious repetitive cycles of the life I choose for myself,
                unforgiving, mundane,
a continuously dumping on myself,

such is the blank

Love is so much harder to come by,
               and once again, the unspoken questions stain my lips

Is this it? Is this all? How is it that
the things that people hold dear,
I feel nothing for?
Surely I didn't sign up for this lack of feeling,
for this, for this, for this...

Emptiness pervades, and one can write good poetry during this time...
                                but it is surely a crappy pay-off.

I'd rather have a lover by my side, true companionship,
               emotional stability,
abundance flowing,
                a sense of purpose,
unconditional joy,
                the ability to receive, and to give,
       to work according to my potential,
connectedness, and...

God.

Truly God, not this empty carcass I have re-created.

I have shaken off old, outdated and restricting ideas and beliefs
          only to adopt equally suspect ones.
They do not fit. Even if they do, I know I shall always be
grasping for the light and never quite reaching it...
and they all say...
but this is the way,
                                   this is your growth

                         faster
                 isn't
                                        always better

anyway


you signed up for this

Somehow, it has been easier for the others to reach,
through increasing their trust, their abundance, their love...
natural dispositions, and thought formations

by stepping into their power and embracing the universe.

I am the subconscious sabateur...

I choose not to see, not to give or receive to love.
I choose disconnection, distraction
long-distance relationships

Or pseudo-experimental and unreal connections.

I choose people who I end up caring about too much, loving them

to bits

only to find it's unrequited,
                                       all in my head and not realistic, real or reality
                                           


I choose to keep the unserving vows of poverty, dependence, masochism
and loneliness

                                                                                                                         and that of frustrated desires,

that of self-imposed shackles and self-disempowerment,

                                           an empty shell, an Eeyore under a damp cloud for eternity.

this looks suspiciously like

an unfulfilled life.
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