Madness. Mess. Meh. Men. Correction: male species. It takes a lot for me to call someone a man. The Prophet was a man, Imam Ali was a man, Imam Mahdi is a man, Agha Khoei was a man.
Me not fulfilling my capabilities. My purpose.
They are banging my head over and over with the signs and it's me who has to say to myself.. hello, knock knock, is it getting through?
And I feel stuck... so release the feeling.
You know now that these emotions and feelings aren't static.
I went on the SimplyShia website out of fear. Sameera told me to start looking now because of her own sad experiences. So, stupid Suki did. Now if that's not tempting fate, I haven't a clue what is.
Oh, btw, Irish's (that's how he will be for me forever now, I'd call him Arrogant, Weird-Ass Prick, but Irish is a nicer touch, so much more genteel) cousin died on Eid ul Adha, 18th November 2010, Thursday night. 26 year old dies of a heart attack. Unfathomable. So he emailed me about it yesterday. Haven't a clue why (apart from asking me to pray for him). I responded in a nice, polite and to the point manner.
I have used marriage or the desire to merge as a distraction.
Who am I?
Who am I?
What is my purpose?
I am stopped in my tracks. I have decided I made a mistake in coming onto this Earth, to do my life's work, to learn these lessons, to... whatever....
At least I don't feel like killing myself any more.
It's just come to my attention how lucky I am: Tazeen, Firdaus Apa and Sidra. Instead of taking my power away from me, which I very eagerly give away (tell me, tell me, TELL ME WHAT TO DO!) - they always say, meditate, be silent. Don't look outwards for the answers: they lie within.
They lie within.
Yet, I resist the meditating and the yoga so much. I'll ram it all in my HEAD but to put it into practice..... to attain heartfelt acceptance...
I gotsta be honest with myself.
"Oh my melodramatic Emo diva, try toning down a bit. What happens is that you like somebody and then try making them the center of your world and then put them in the center of the stage and start giving them every inch of what you have right now and how your past has been. I don't think its has anything to do with being honest or truthful Suki, you're skinning yourself alive just to be accepted for who you are. You're pulling your shirt apart to show him (and others) your heart but all people see are boobs! *yum*
You're having a hard time accepting all these emotions inside of you and by throwing them unto somebody who doesn't respond somewhere you feel you'll be able to be you, be the Suki you dreamt to be. You're doing exactly what i did, you don't want you to save you, you're looking for someone else who will figure things out.
He wants you to live up to a certain image that suits his need, "why don’t you act upon it, instead of being miserable and whiny like every single cat-feeding woman that ever existed!!!" and you want him to do the same, " That is absolutely HEARTLESS AND CRUEL AND IF YOU THINK YOU'RE PLEASING GOD BY GOING ALL MEH". You both are trying to change each other into the images in your heads!
Putting your heart on the table will just give him ideas that its dinner time, nothing more. Part of me feels you're emotionally trying to make him feel guilty for putting you through this when you are also responsible for it so quit doing all this to me, then other part says, you want the attention and to be heard, you're screaming it out because you feel its better than to stay silent, then other part says extending the guilt look i love you so much now love me back...then there's another part of me that thinks, part of you wants to be rejected and likes being hurt because that's consistent with how you feel about yourself, you already said,"luckily, the fog cleared enough to see she was right" even after reaching that conclusion you still chanced this email. Oh and the last part, you're convincing him that you're good enough for him. Wow, those were a lot of parts,
You put him on the hot spot and you're trying to nag him to death literally! I can just imagine the lamp swaying in the dark room over him. I didn't get the feeling you were trying to clear miscommunications. I have no idea where i got the idea but i think you were trying to become your mother. I'm not sure but I think your father left a lot of unanswered questions and somehow that scenario is unconsciously playing again, and now you're in that position that you are fearing this relationship is going no where but if only he lets you know what's on his mind, you'll be able to save him and yourself from shame(in your own eyes)/ hurt. Its testing him, prove to me that you love me enough to get past all this. Its about survival right now. Just a hunch that's why you demand so many answers from him so things don't crash down on you. It more about security. You need the manual with you so you don't go off track.
All i heard in the email was, "this is how much i love you, this is how much i'm accepting you, I've been screwed up and depressed, won't you please accept me? ACCEPT MEEEE *bang boom bang*!!!!!!!!!!!!" "
And you know what? It's possibly, probably true.
I hate men. I found another one to beat up. Umair stopped letting me do it to him. Enter the Irishman.
EXIT THE IRISHMAN.
Bah. Humbug. Christmas is more than a month away... but there you are....
Me not fulfilling my capabilities. My purpose.
They are banging my head over and over with the signs and it's me who has to say to myself.. hello, knock knock, is it getting through?
And I feel stuck... so release the feeling.
You know now that these emotions and feelings aren't static.
I went on the SimplyShia website out of fear. Sameera told me to start looking now because of her own sad experiences. So, stupid Suki did. Now if that's not tempting fate, I haven't a clue what is.
Oh, btw, Irish's (that's how he will be for me forever now, I'd call him Arrogant, Weird-Ass Prick, but Irish is a nicer touch, so much more genteel) cousin died on Eid ul Adha, 18th November 2010, Thursday night. 26 year old dies of a heart attack. Unfathomable. So he emailed me about it yesterday. Haven't a clue why (apart from asking me to pray for him). I responded in a nice, polite and to the point manner.
I have used marriage or the desire to merge as a distraction.
Who am I?
Who am I?
What is my purpose?
I am stopped in my tracks. I have decided I made a mistake in coming onto this Earth, to do my life's work, to learn these lessons, to... whatever....
At least I don't feel like killing myself any more.
It's just come to my attention how lucky I am: Tazeen, Firdaus Apa and Sidra. Instead of taking my power away from me, which I very eagerly give away (tell me, tell me, TELL ME WHAT TO DO!) - they always say, meditate, be silent. Don't look outwards for the answers: they lie within.
They lie within.
Yet, I resist the meditating and the yoga so much. I'll ram it all in my HEAD but to put it into practice..... to attain heartfelt acceptance...
I gotsta be honest with myself.
"Oh my melodramatic Emo diva, try toning down a bit. What happens is that you like somebody and then try making them the center of your world and then put them in the center of the stage and start giving them every inch of what you have right now and how your past has been. I don't think its has anything to do with being honest or truthful Suki, you're skinning yourself alive just to be accepted for who you are. You're pulling your shirt apart to show him (and others) your heart but all people see are boobs! *yum*
You're having a hard time accepting all these emotions inside of you and by throwing them unto somebody who doesn't respond somewhere you feel you'll be able to be you, be the Suki you dreamt to be. You're doing exactly what i did, you don't want you to save you, you're looking for someone else who will figure things out.He wants you to live up to a certain image that suits his need, "why don’t you act upon it, instead of being miserable and whiny like every single cat-feeding woman that ever existed!!!" and you want him to do the same, " That is absolutely HEARTLESS AND CRUEL AND IF YOU THINK YOU'RE PLEASING GOD BY GOING ALL MEH". You both are trying to change each other into the images in your heads!
Putting your heart on the table will just give him ideas that its dinner time, nothing more. Part of me feels you're emotionally trying to make him feel guilty for putting you through this when you are also responsible for it so quit doing all this to me, then other part says, you want the attention and to be heard, you're screaming it out because you feel its better than to stay silent, then other part says extending the guilt look i love you so much now love me back...then there's another part of me that thinks, part of you wants to be rejected and likes being hurt because that's consistent with how you feel about yourself, you already said,"luckily, the fog cleared enough to see she was right" even after reaching that conclusion you still chanced this email. Oh and the last part, you're convincing him that you're good enough for him. Wow, those were a lot of parts,
You put him on the hot spot and you're trying to nag him to death literally! I can just imagine the lamp swaying in the dark room over him. I didn't get the feeling you were trying to clear miscommunications. I have no idea where i got the idea but i think you were trying to become your mother. I'm not sure but I think your father left a lot of unanswered questions and somehow that scenario is unconsciously playing again, and now you're in that position that you are fearing this relationship is going no where but if only he lets you know what's on his mind, you'll be able to save him and yourself from shame(in your own eyes)/ hurt. Its testing him, prove to me that you love me enough to get past all this. Its about survival right now. Just a hunch that's why you demand so many answers from him so things don't crash down on you. It more about security. You need the manual with you so you don't go off track.
All i heard in the email was, "this is how much i love you, this is how much i'm accepting you, I've been screwed up and depressed, won't you please accept me? ACCEPT MEEEE *bang boom bang*!!!!!!!!!!!!" "
And you know what? It's possibly, probably true.
I hate men. I found another one to beat up. Umair stopped letting me do it to him. Enter the Irishman.
EXIT THE IRISHMAN.
Bah. Humbug. Christmas is more than a month away... but there you are....
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