http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0172396/ I really love that film. I wonder how many times I'll be using this as a blog entry title....
I lasted exactly a month. I'll just take is as Allah's/the Universe's way of saying "look, I don't want you and Imran to waste copious amounts of time in pain and misunderstanding and infatuation, as your mother did and his parents did, especially after you've spent 3 years in hell. Why re-visit it?"
Why indeed?
I may or may not type up all the (lovely and beautiful) texts he had sent me before last Thursday, just so I have a keepsake before I have to delete them from my phone due to space restraints. My phone stupidly deleted most of my written ones automatically :(
So here's the stuff since Monday:
I was on Yahoo and he was online and I waited for 10 minutes for him to say hi. He didn't. So I wrote Salaam Imran, hope you're having a good day. That's all. Talk soon, I hope. Sukaina/Suki (word count: 20 words)
That was me being funny but hurt at the same time....I went offline straight away.
He texted me immediately:
5pm/SMS
Ws suki, how are you? I'm good. You don't need to count the words you write. If you don't want to talk any further, then say so. Inshallah hope you have a good day too. Imran.
5:22pm/SMS (It takes me ages to edit them - I have foot-in-the-mouth disease)
I do want to talk. That's why I still msgd you after waiting for you to. And I said "talk soon" :p I know I handled yday's convo very badly. I didn't really listen. So much for wanting to be a therapist - lol. I'm ashamed of my pseudo psycho-b*ch behaviour. I am truly sorry. So now what? Sukaina :)
Fast forward to yesterday....
12 noonish/SMS
Slm, how are you today? Feeling much better now from my flu. Imran.
I had switched my phone off because I wasn't expecting him to text me. So when I switched it on at 1ish, that's when I read it. (I was at my training course, anyway - he wouldn't remember that, of course)
Slm Imn :) (probably shouldn't have done that, but too late now - I was in a light-hearted mood and self absorbed as usual and thought it was funny *rolls eyes in exasperation*)
Just saw your msg. Good job on becoming healthy again, I'll pretend my Reiki powers did the trick! I'm surrounded by sun and lavender. You? Suki :)
Nothing. Then I just got pissed in a way. Like: just finish this already, you passive aggressive weird, complex, bipolar, not ready for marriage and set in your ways person who I thought I had a connection with but you obviously don't want to be more open and forgiving to my mistakes and flaws and forthcoming about what's going on and how deluded I am.....
I'd just gotten my first ever UPS parcel. My lovely sister/cousin had sent me a box of special ginger biscuits and nan khatai from Mombasa - still have to call and thank her!!! So, I was excited and of course, I'm thinking... stupid thoughts!
9:22PM/SMS
Salaam Imran, I'm trying again - as a friend. I got a UPS delivery from a cuz in M'sa: the famous ginger biscuits and nan khatai. Shall I keep a few for you? Suki
9:54PM/SMS
Salaam sukaina, sure it was your reiki powers. Sorry I'll have to pass on the treats. How was your day? Did you do any meditation today? Imran.
(of course, I am not telling him how much Reiki and metta I've sent myself, him and this so-called relationship)
That was it. I'm dumb, blind and naive at this, being my first time, but I will not be played like this, I shall not be the victim.
God is my first Love. Everything else is expendible.
I had fallen asleep when he wrote back, so when I was up, this is what I finally did.
12:12 AM (Wednesday)/SMS
Thanks for replying, Imran :) I don't feel like keeping up the charade because it's clear to me that miscommunication is going to be a massive hurdle for us both to work through. I'm doing the uncouth thing by ending it by text, but I don't see how a live convo will help things any better. I would still like to be on FB in the meantime. Thank you for being so open, honest and interested for as long as you did (sic). (Should have written "were"). Please do forgive me soon. And maybe be kind enough to give me constructive feedback and an explanation of your side of the story when you feel like it. It's been an honour having you in my life for a month (still counting the days out of habit!) This may sound holier-than-thou. It isn't intended that way. Pls forgive me. Iltemas e dua... Sukaina
That took up 5 whole texts!
And.... up until now.... nothing....
I love myself regardless and am working on the forgiveness and loving-kindness for myself and towards him.
The single life is the way....... relationships, too much drama.
Today's random wisdom for Suki is:
Giving means extending one's Love with no conditions, no expectations and no boundaries. Peace of mind occurs, therefore when we put all our attention into giving and have no desire to get anything from, or to change, another person. The giving motivation leads to a sense of inner peace and joy that is unrelated to time.
~ Gerald G. Jampolsky, Love is letting go of Fear
I'm sounding too much like Tarzan now. It's really scaring me!!!
So, I suppose, the strong feelings I feel about him which I wrote to her yesterday I should just acknowledge, accept and let be - they will pass:
"So, thankfully, I have overcome my anger and still feel love for him, because no matter what, he was kind before he turned into avoidant Mr Hyde and, well, until this Thursday, he still wanted to meet me. It's still a specific love that one has for someone who was special, it's also more like we've been married for ages and I'm sending him off as a friend and it's also the Universal love. I still love him. I feel so much empathy, and, unfortuantely, my healing, counselling side is being brought to the forefront: I want to help him get over whatever it is that's hurting him so much.......
Jesus, I sound like YOU!!!!! Tazeen! You're such a bad influence lol!
So I'm sending him a lot more metta and Reiki. Also to our relationship (ha bloody ha!) so that he gets the balls to tell me he hates me and doesn't want to be in contact anymore, rather than him sending me a text, without using my name in greeting and just saying "Slm, how are you today? Feeling much better now from my flu. Imran." "
And that was 6 hours ago.
You're right about him being sensitive about himself. But he's not compassionate towards me and my failings and flaws. He's also the same age as myself, 26. You know how I always thought that I need someone a few eyars older because they are presumed to be more mature. He also complained in our sole telephone convo that I pick on everything he says, that I remember everything he says..... he still doesn't get how important he has become in my life.... of course I'm going to remember, it's all I have to go on! Jeez... is he as green (naive) at this as I am?
Heart hurts, eyes might shed a few tears (although I'm dehydrated, so must drink up for tonight's meditations), but....
Whatever. Boys. Girls. Fucking life.....
Well, anyway......"
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