For the past two days, when I have been out and sitting by a tree to release energies, my heart starts hurting and I start crying and crying and crying.... I've scared two men and they have asked me if I am okay, and I stop crying, smile and say "Yes, I'm fine, thank you."
Yesterday's grief was Imran. Still miss him, still regret him. Jesus. I really miss being in love and being cared for and receiving blue font emails and texts and cat photos and... damn....
Umair, Imran, Osama and now Ali...
Using my words to tell them to back off or to tell them to come close and then tell them to back off.
A part of me doesn't want the rest of me to be in a fulfilling relationship with a man because I am so scared.
I sent Ali a text around 9pm last night to ask how he was doing. I had asked permission to send him healing the night before because he got home really late and was tired, so I was being of "love and assistance" - I mean, he's got cerebral palsy, right?
So I asked if he had a good day and I hoped my magic trick worked.
He texted back:
Thanks for trying. however woke up with a neck pain.. try harder lol
And because of the rubbish day I had yesterday, I was still in a space of reaction and my self destructive 13 year old self had come out to play. And because I was mad that my healing didn't help, because that "proved" how rubbish and useless I am. To be honest, I couldn't really be in a space to send him healing. I had to send Genne healing too, and it didn't really work because I was so upset. And, of course, his friendly manner reminds me of Imran and I got triggered. Plus whatever. Everything is perfect.
And first my text was nice enough, then I had to add the terms Annoying male and smart arse and three :P instead of smileys
So this is what I wrote - I meant it with love and friendship... because he really is a nice, friendly guy - but then.... we all remember what happened with the term of endearment "man-boy", don't we?
Annoying male :P maybe you need to allow the healing to take place instead of blocking it, smart arse! Neck pain means stubbornness :P just pay attention to the pain and ask for it to clear or to tell you what it's telling you. O healer, heal thyself :P
And then I got scared. Really, really scared and I started praying to Allah to help heal the mess and clear my karma I created. I did so many visualisations and said sorry to Ali, to Imran for being so mean to him ,to myself for being so mean to myself...
Because I was a little sassy and was treating him as though I knew him for as long as I had known Imran. Intimate.
And I thought, that's it... I've gone and been rude and offended him.
SHIT!
I wasn't expecting a reply, since I am so used to Imran's way of relating, and none came.
I woke at 1:33 pm and checked my mobile... it showed that there was a message but it couldn't come through because my inbox is full (I have a very old Nokia phone and I keep having to delete messages because it can't hold that many)
I deleted messages. I also deleted Ali's phone number because I realised that I would just be tempted to keep texting him, expecting something from him when I'm not willing to see him as a romantic prospect.
Similar to the games I played with Imran.
I mean, how lonely am I really?
Then the message came some time in the morning. I was too scared to read it.
I emailed Ashiya to ask her I need to speak to her and then open the text. I need a hug big time.
Then after crying and crying and crying for all that is.... Leah sent me a text around 2:15 to ask how the workshop went. I replied to her... and saw that Ali had written "U got that rite..."
So after texting Leah, it didn't seem like a big deal.
Ali: U got that rite, lucky 4 me people still love me dispite my being stubborn, phew! Hows yr day been. I got home late again. Hope yr day went well God willing :)
And I cried some more because of the fact that I was so scared to read the text and have been crying for hurs and killing myself over these men, these boys, over love and marirage, and sabotaging romance and wanting a ocnnection and not finding it quite yet.
Trauma, Imran's trauma is still inside of me.
And I laughed in gratitude that he's a lot more perceptive, easy going and forgiving than Imran is.
The guy in the park, Joe, was right. I am still so scared of being rejected for being who I am, for my slips in judgement.
Funny how all four guys have used the word love with me in some context or another... and I haven't been brave enough to do that.
But I can't marry a guy who works so late... it was the same with Imran. I understand that people who work are the ones who can provide. But my needs are more to do with being with the person as well.... daily. And he smokes. And yes, the fact that he can't run or walk without crutches means something to me. And I don't find him physically or sexually attractive and that's a fact.
I've got such an enormous ego, haven't I?
Funny how Ali is a Harrow boy, like Imran. His accent is almost as nice as Imran's, but it's got that laid back Harrow boy cockney-like slant to it, exactly like my cousin Zuli's actually.
Imran's accent was perfect.
And now I won't be going to Nottingham. Thanks to the "angel" and "lightworker" Samuel. Fuck him. He wrote such a rude email, I just texted Sidra to tell her I don't want to see him again, if possible. Gareth might be going instead.
So, in the perfection that is this world, I won't be having another transformational healing day with Sidra on 25th Feb. Maybe I can lose weight in 9 days and go on a date that Saturday.
I've started swearing again and being very negative and gloomy.
I need money and to get money one has to work.
I really hope that Ashiya can speak to me today. I don't have any other friend I can talk to today.
As long as Tazeen and I are working, I doubt I can confide in her. The roles cannot be blurred. I either work with you or you are my friend.
I hate taking orders and being told off.
I think I need to go for a walk.
I took off today as well.... I can't handle this!!! Work and the fact that I am probably not going to get paid this month because Sidra has no new clients.
Actually, I need the best person to talk to today, Allah.... whoever is best, who can UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!
And a cat to stroke, it's really not that cold.
Tazeen just tagged me in a post she put up for Tamseela on her wall:
People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.
~ Pema Chodron ♥
Yesterday's grief was Imran. Still miss him, still regret him. Jesus. I really miss being in love and being cared for and receiving blue font emails and texts and cat photos and... damn....
Umair, Imran, Osama and now Ali...
Using my words to tell them to back off or to tell them to come close and then tell them to back off.
A part of me doesn't want the rest of me to be in a fulfilling relationship with a man because I am so scared.
I sent Ali a text around 9pm last night to ask how he was doing. I had asked permission to send him healing the night before because he got home really late and was tired, so I was being of "love and assistance" - I mean, he's got cerebral palsy, right?
So I asked if he had a good day and I hoped my magic trick worked.
He texted back:
Thanks for trying. however woke up with a neck pain.. try harder lol
And because of the rubbish day I had yesterday, I was still in a space of reaction and my self destructive 13 year old self had come out to play. And because I was mad that my healing didn't help, because that "proved" how rubbish and useless I am. To be honest, I couldn't really be in a space to send him healing. I had to send Genne healing too, and it didn't really work because I was so upset. And, of course, his friendly manner reminds me of Imran and I got triggered. Plus whatever. Everything is perfect.
And first my text was nice enough, then I had to add the terms Annoying male and smart arse and three :P instead of smileys
So this is what I wrote - I meant it with love and friendship... because he really is a nice, friendly guy - but then.... we all remember what happened with the term of endearment "man-boy", don't we?
Annoying male :P maybe you need to allow the healing to take place instead of blocking it, smart arse! Neck pain means stubbornness :P just pay attention to the pain and ask for it to clear or to tell you what it's telling you. O healer, heal thyself :P
And then I got scared. Really, really scared and I started praying to Allah to help heal the mess and clear my karma I created. I did so many visualisations and said sorry to Ali, to Imran for being so mean to him ,to myself for being so mean to myself...
Because I was a little sassy and was treating him as though I knew him for as long as I had known Imran. Intimate.
And I thought, that's it... I've gone and been rude and offended him.
SHIT!
I wasn't expecting a reply, since I am so used to Imran's way of relating, and none came.
I woke at 1:33 pm and checked my mobile... it showed that there was a message but it couldn't come through because my inbox is full (I have a very old Nokia phone and I keep having to delete messages because it can't hold that many)
I deleted messages. I also deleted Ali's phone number because I realised that I would just be tempted to keep texting him, expecting something from him when I'm not willing to see him as a romantic prospect.
Similar to the games I played with Imran.
I mean, how lonely am I really?
Then the message came some time in the morning. I was too scared to read it.
I emailed Ashiya to ask her I need to speak to her and then open the text. I need a hug big time.
Then after crying and crying and crying for all that is.... Leah sent me a text around 2:15 to ask how the workshop went. I replied to her... and saw that Ali had written "U got that rite..."
So after texting Leah, it didn't seem like a big deal.
Ali: U got that rite, lucky 4 me people still love me dispite my being stubborn, phew! Hows yr day been. I got home late again. Hope yr day went well God willing :)
And I cried some more because of the fact that I was so scared to read the text and have been crying for hurs and killing myself over these men, these boys, over love and marirage, and sabotaging romance and wanting a ocnnection and not finding it quite yet.
Trauma, Imran's trauma is still inside of me.
And I laughed in gratitude that he's a lot more perceptive, easy going and forgiving than Imran is.
The guy in the park, Joe, was right. I am still so scared of being rejected for being who I am, for my slips in judgement.
Funny how all four guys have used the word love with me in some context or another... and I haven't been brave enough to do that.
But I can't marry a guy who works so late... it was the same with Imran. I understand that people who work are the ones who can provide. But my needs are more to do with being with the person as well.... daily. And he smokes. And yes, the fact that he can't run or walk without crutches means something to me. And I don't find him physically or sexually attractive and that's a fact.
I've got such an enormous ego, haven't I?
Funny how Ali is a Harrow boy, like Imran. His accent is almost as nice as Imran's, but it's got that laid back Harrow boy cockney-like slant to it, exactly like my cousin Zuli's actually.
Imran's accent was perfect.
And now I won't be going to Nottingham. Thanks to the "angel" and "lightworker" Samuel. Fuck him. He wrote such a rude email, I just texted Sidra to tell her I don't want to see him again, if possible. Gareth might be going instead.
So, in the perfection that is this world, I won't be having another transformational healing day with Sidra on 25th Feb. Maybe I can lose weight in 9 days and go on a date that Saturday.
I've started swearing again and being very negative and gloomy.
I need money and to get money one has to work.
I really hope that Ashiya can speak to me today. I don't have any other friend I can talk to today.
As long as Tazeen and I are working, I doubt I can confide in her. The roles cannot be blurred. I either work with you or you are my friend.
I hate taking orders and being told off.
I think I need to go for a walk.
I took off today as well.... I can't handle this!!! Work and the fact that I am probably not going to get paid this month because Sidra has no new clients.
Actually, I need the best person to talk to today, Allah.... whoever is best, who can UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!
And a cat to stroke, it's really not that cold.
Tazeen just tagged me in a post she put up for Tamseela on her wall:
People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.
~ Pema Chodron ♥
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