The short story transforms into a novella. Question is: will I allow it to become a novella, novel or epic saga? Is it meant to be? Are we up for it?
I know I am not, not at the moment.
Nouvelle chapitre:
I made a decision on the night of his birthday, 28th November. No, I didn't wish him a Happy Birthday. Didn't want to, so didn't.
It came from my Higher Self. Guiding me back on track.
I deleted all his email addresses, took him off from Yahoo Messenger and blocked him from SimplyShia but then they hid all the messages he sent me, which isn't quite what I wanted. So I unblocked him so I could keep the lines of communication open - and refer to the imbecilic messages when I was bored or wallowing.
Good my intuition/God guided me to do that. After what has transpired this morning.
I also deleted him from FB at around 9 AM yesterday - a-ha, you didn't think I'd be able to do that, now did you?
SURPRISEEEEEE!
I had to make a firm commitment to myself - to symbolically show God and the Universe and myself that I am moving on, and not clinging onto someone who is unavailable. To a relationship that has truly ended, that never really was, if I'm honest.
He was freaking looking for girls whilst talking to me. That HURTS A LOT, even though I tried to ignore it.
And, of course, I was making a statement to him (whenever he decided he wanted to check what I was doing - or - ha ha - FB stalk me). If I delete you, that means it. I can't handle the constant self beating and the FB stalking. You need to go, I need to let you go and continue your searching for someone who will measure up. Who won't want to counsel you, mother you, nag you to death, advise you, hurt you, be aggressive and defensive - there are many "chicks" out there. They've somehow managed to escape the hurts and the fractures of the Soul. Somehow.
I was still waffling, though, because it was hard to let go of him and the FB stalking - it was "yes?" or "no?", "it's too concrete and deliberate and permanent".
I went to FB stalk him, and saw he had added YET another hijabi Khoja girl to his list. On that long, long list of girls. Possibly all from the website. Ouch.
That was it.
I am not a collector's item to be pursued, looked at, seen, objectified, used for a trial period of 30, 60 or 90 days and then returned to supplier or dumped. Ignored, but still kept on the list as a souvenir - "Oh, look what else I picked up, but didn't like, so meh... ignored it."
I am not invisible enough to be ignored. I choose not to be that invisible anymore.
I was in it for real. What were you in it for, Imran?
I am extremely selective about the people I choose to be part of my posse (yup, Ashiya, you're still my capstone!). They mean the world to me. I invest my all in them. I expect and appreciate some reciprocity most of the time.
And if I can't handle the way he behaves, his constant search for someone better (he logs into the freaking website EVERY SINGLE DAY!), the way he deals with things, his personality quirks (well, I don't even understand it - partially his fault for being so secretive and mostly my fault for being swamped with my own feelings and emotions and denials and repressions etc), the steady and augmenting stream of either marriageable, decent, polite and not rude and not weird Khoja girls, or the sexy, half-naked babes on his FB list (and keeps adding them, one by one)... it's obviously not worth the constant pain.
It affects me a great deal. Negatively. I lose my all - my sleep, my health, my self-esteem...
Steady, loyal, steadfast, appreciative of my efforts and emotional revelations, expressive, loyal, invested in the relationship - non-negotiable. I won't have my needs fulfilled if they are not present. I become half of who I can be if they cannot be met, or if the person is unwilling to take a step out and at least make some headway.
I can't handle it. I am possessive, monogamous, extremely jealous and envious. And doggedly dedicated, once I decide the person is worth it. And is reciprocating with the same passion and devotion. And makes me aware of that.
It's also not worth the humiliation of my losing all my marbles and continually caving in and re-enacting yet another emotional vomiting of the entire core of my Soul and Being to a silent, disinterested, observer, succinct owl who only says "Hmmm...Interesting" and doesn't know how to deal with it or respond so he ignores and hopes it'll solve itself. Or that I'll forget, or move on. The way he does.
Ignore. Delete.
He has a good Soul, but the temperament is such that he finds self-containment the best way to deal with things. He thinks that his showing or expressing his true emotions is a sign of weakness. Reticence is a sign of self-control and he admires that a lot in himself. A self-confessed placid individual.
He's an EXPLORER/Director or a DIRECTOR/Explorer. A Rational. And a "playa". He must probably be an ENTJ.
I'm a NEGOTIATOR/Director. An Idealist. A bona fide INFP.
On paper, we fit. But in real life - ha! Has it worked? Nope.
So, I went onto SimplyShia just so I could add that I want to go to Stonehenge next year.
Yes, if I keep saying it, it will happen!
And the boys have to know how kooky I plan on becoming, bit by bit. I have to find the right person for me, right? He has to accept my witchy, other-worldly calling.
So many blokes whose profiles I saw have looked back, but not one of them has messaged... Well, I did say that my profile is suspended. And that I didn't want any Khojas or Paki-men. It was slightly condescending to the male sex. Slightly ball-bashing. Hahahaha!
And it is suspended. I took off my photos again. The girl who approves them must be getting fed up of seeing the photos every few days. I add them, don't want them on, delete them, add them on again, delete. Argh.
And I saw one message. I'm like, intuition, come on, figure it out, who is it?? Is it Imran replying to my making fun of some of the profiles or someone brand spanking new? I was so excited - I like getting messages on these matrimonial websites lol!
It was from Imran.
I was shocked. Really. I was. Not knowing what he would have to write. Maybe he would ask about my deleting him off from FB? Highly unlikely, but anyway...
On Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 04:45 PM
from - manu1001
"Salaam Sukaina,
Sounds like you have a decent selection, but you cannot blame them as they dont understand what to say to a woman like you.
You are special, so i hope that you will find that person who will appreciate you for who you are.... (wow i sound different when i listen to my heart!!!)
Ws, Imran. "
I'm in the library today and I squealed and laughed out loud when the meaning of the message sunk in (mind is a bit fuggy today).
It's not really sinking in. It shouldn't right now. I need time to process this. No response necessary right now.
I don't want to be reeled back in. I am releasing my BDSM tendencies. I have seen how crazy the past three months have been. How crazy and nutso I have been.
I know I am not, not at the moment.
Nouvelle chapitre:
I made a decision on the night of his birthday, 28th November. No, I didn't wish him a Happy Birthday. Didn't want to, so didn't.
It came from my Higher Self. Guiding me back on track.
I deleted all his email addresses, took him off from Yahoo Messenger and blocked him from SimplyShia but then they hid all the messages he sent me, which isn't quite what I wanted. So I unblocked him so I could keep the lines of communication open - and refer to the imbecilic messages when I was bored or wallowing.
Good my intuition/God guided me to do that. After what has transpired this morning.
I also deleted him from FB at around 9 AM yesterday - a-ha, you didn't think I'd be able to do that, now did you?
SURPRISEEEEEE!
I had to make a firm commitment to myself - to symbolically show God and the Universe and myself that I am moving on, and not clinging onto someone who is unavailable. To a relationship that has truly ended, that never really was, if I'm honest.
He was freaking looking for girls whilst talking to me. That HURTS A LOT, even though I tried to ignore it.
And, of course, I was making a statement to him (whenever he decided he wanted to check what I was doing - or - ha ha - FB stalk me). If I delete you, that means it. I can't handle the constant self beating and the FB stalking. You need to go, I need to let you go and continue your searching for someone who will measure up. Who won't want to counsel you, mother you, nag you to death, advise you, hurt you, be aggressive and defensive - there are many "chicks" out there. They've somehow managed to escape the hurts and the fractures of the Soul. Somehow.
I was still waffling, though, because it was hard to let go of him and the FB stalking - it was "yes?" or "no?", "it's too concrete and deliberate and permanent".
I went to FB stalk him, and saw he had added YET another hijabi Khoja girl to his list. On that long, long list of girls. Possibly all from the website. Ouch.
That was it.
I am not a collector's item to be pursued, looked at, seen, objectified, used for a trial period of 30, 60 or 90 days and then returned to supplier or dumped. Ignored, but still kept on the list as a souvenir - "Oh, look what else I picked up, but didn't like, so meh... ignored it."
I am not invisible enough to be ignored. I choose not to be that invisible anymore.
I was in it for real. What were you in it for, Imran?
I am extremely selective about the people I choose to be part of my posse (yup, Ashiya, you're still my capstone!). They mean the world to me. I invest my all in them. I expect and appreciate some reciprocity most of the time.
And if I can't handle the way he behaves, his constant search for someone better (he logs into the freaking website EVERY SINGLE DAY!), the way he deals with things, his personality quirks (well, I don't even understand it - partially his fault for being so secretive and mostly my fault for being swamped with my own feelings and emotions and denials and repressions etc), the steady and augmenting stream of either marriageable, decent, polite and not rude and not weird Khoja girls, or the sexy, half-naked babes on his FB list (and keeps adding them, one by one)... it's obviously not worth the constant pain.
It affects me a great deal. Negatively. I lose my all - my sleep, my health, my self-esteem...
Steady, loyal, steadfast, appreciative of my efforts and emotional revelations, expressive, loyal, invested in the relationship - non-negotiable. I won't have my needs fulfilled if they are not present. I become half of who I can be if they cannot be met, or if the person is unwilling to take a step out and at least make some headway.
I can't handle it. I am possessive, monogamous, extremely jealous and envious. And doggedly dedicated, once I decide the person is worth it. And is reciprocating with the same passion and devotion. And makes me aware of that.
It's also not worth the humiliation of my losing all my marbles and continually caving in and re-enacting yet another emotional vomiting of the entire core of my Soul and Being to a silent, disinterested, observer, succinct owl who only says "Hmmm...Interesting" and doesn't know how to deal with it or respond so he ignores and hopes it'll solve itself. Or that I'll forget, or move on. The way he does.
Ignore. Delete.
He has a good Soul, but the temperament is such that he finds self-containment the best way to deal with things. He thinks that his showing or expressing his true emotions is a sign of weakness. Reticence is a sign of self-control and he admires that a lot in himself. A self-confessed placid individual.
He's an EXPLORER/Director or a DIRECTOR/Explorer. A Rational. And a "playa". He must probably be an ENTJ.
I'm a NEGOTIATOR/Director. An Idealist. A bona fide INFP.
On paper, we fit. But in real life - ha! Has it worked? Nope.
So, I went onto SimplyShia just so I could add that I want to go to Stonehenge next year.
Yes, if I keep saying it, it will happen!
And the boys have to know how kooky I plan on becoming, bit by bit. I have to find the right person for me, right? He has to accept my witchy, other-worldly calling.
So many blokes whose profiles I saw have looked back, but not one of them has messaged... Well, I did say that my profile is suspended. And that I didn't want any Khojas or Paki-men. It was slightly condescending to the male sex. Slightly ball-bashing. Hahahaha!
And it is suspended. I took off my photos again. The girl who approves them must be getting fed up of seeing the photos every few days. I add them, don't want them on, delete them, add them on again, delete. Argh.
And I saw one message. I'm like, intuition, come on, figure it out, who is it?? Is it Imran replying to my making fun of some of the profiles or someone brand spanking new? I was so excited - I like getting messages on these matrimonial websites lol!
It was from Imran.
I was shocked. Really. I was. Not knowing what he would have to write. Maybe he would ask about my deleting him off from FB? Highly unlikely, but anyway...
On Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 04:45 PM
from - manu1001
"Salaam Sukaina,
Sounds like you have a decent selection, but you cannot blame them as they dont understand what to say to a woman like you.
You are special, so i hope that you will find that person who will appreciate you for who you are.... (wow i sound different when i listen to my heart!!!)
Ws, Imran. "
I'm in the library today and I squealed and laughed out loud when the meaning of the message sunk in (mind is a bit fuggy today).
It's not really sinking in. It shouldn't right now. I need time to process this. No response necessary right now.
I don't want to be reeled back in. I am releasing my BDSM tendencies. I have seen how crazy the past three months have been. How crazy and nutso I have been.
Dear Mr Lakha,
If you mean what I think you mean, or even if you don't. I'll know soon enough. You will tell me in very clear words. Say what you mean and do what you say kind of man, right? Prove it! The right time and place and space...
You can express yourself very well when you want to. I'm sure you can and will email me a proper letter, if you really want to. If being the operative word.
You may not. And I think I am resigned to that fact. Meh. No biggie. Plenty o' fish. Or, rather, plenty o' soul mates out there. Umair is one, Vimal is another. Can't marry either of them. You must be the third soul mate I am not meant to marry, but just learn from.
I am surprisingly very calm. Having truly let you go. No expectations. Wow. It feels good. As you said, if it's mean to happen, it will. I think now I can truly believe in it. Pushing does absolutely nothing. Especially with an unsure, playful, searching, always-looking-for-something-better, someone-who-gets-bored-easily stallion as yourself.
But in general, my pushing for things has always left me tired and exhausted and frustrated and in the same position as I was before.
3 months. I am still single, you are too. We still haven't met. We still are unsure. I know I'm not ready.
Still in the same place, after all that pushing and pulling and yo-yoing and repelling and attracting and being addicted and dumping and reconciling and the continual misunderstandings and all of that.
Boy, I am spent. You must be too.
Not even sure if I want you anymore. Or the entire marriage/relationship/life partner thing in general. At least not now. I can't even get the cojones to meet you face-to-face. Or talk to you on the phone again. If it comes to that.
You still won't talk about yourself. I need that a little, in order to understand the real you. And I can't force you to do it, can I? I tried. Ugh. Don't remind me, my memory is still fresh. I still know what I did! I don't know how else to deepen the connection and the communication without it. What else is there? I'm sure there other things in any relationship - but I don't know what they are - yet.
You started this entire thing and you wooed me almost immediately. By a :p smiley. And saying you'd like to hear me whimpering for a photograph, and that I was a little youth for wanting to go to the zoo. And the photos of the ducks, the kitten, the chocolate and then the Eid presents of the kitty photos. And the medium-blue font. Always the medium-blue font.
That was it. All the other things, the intellectual, philosophical, spiritual conversations, the teasing, the genuine concern etc., added substance, but that "raspberry" smiley was it. I fell. God, I am extremely gullible, soft and easy!
Why do you sound as if you've lost me? I don't think you have. Or have you felt slighted because I didn't wish you on your birthday? Or because I've deleted you from FB?
I don't know how I'm feeling, though. I need to re-connect with myself so I don't repeat the same cycles over and over and over. I don't want to attract many versions of the same father figure who is distant and non-reactive and ... well, whatever.
I need to forgive. My dad. Males in general.
But, it's still your move, laddie. So, if you feel that there's still a connection, and you feel even half of what I felt (or feel) for you, stop being whiny and miserable as every single taciturn, footy-obsessed male is and act upon it!
Ha ha ha ! I love reflecting your words back to you! Poke poke poke! Ouch!
Yours,
Sukaina
*cuts the puppet strings, sets aside the BDSM whip so as to allow her and his wounds to heal and drums her fingers on the the table and waits. It will take a little longer, a little more patience is required*