I've been trawling through my emails for signs, for indicators, for signs, for help, for signs... yes, a lot of signs. I believe in them. They haven't been smacking me in the head lately. Or, rather, they have been, but until yesterday, I was accidentally on purpose doing my best to avoid reality.
I wanted things to work out so badly with Irish.
Why?
He's sweet, he's nice, he's steady, he's Shia... long list. And, yes, he's Khoja. That was very comforting. Speaking about Mombasa and Hujjat and Hyderi mosques. And having a system for Lakha families 1, 2 and 3 and Juma families 1, 2 and 3. Comforting, like eating mogo and kuku paka and pilao.
I called him a Jekyll/Hyde person. The first time was when he stopped emailing or replying to my texts. Since then, I've called him that to my friends, and in the delusional "love letter" I sent to him two weeks ago (time goes fast even when you're in limbo).
Apa says he's my dad. I saw a lot of my dad in him. The rationality, the sneering about my being emotional, the declarations of how "women cause mayhem in the household over small things, being impartial and talking from experience", the gut fear I got when I saw one of his photos, I'll say it again, I got so SCARED of him, and I knew that he would hit me when he got out-of-control angry.
Now I'm not saying that's the truth. My intuition - well, if it's working, I can't see it, and Tazeen never saw any violence in him. But I was shit scared. I just knew it. Two things, which I know I'm repeating: he looks exactly like his father and that he would hit me if he had to, when uncontrollably angry.
Forget that now.
Not really listening to me, not reading me, not calling me. Cutting off communication completely. Have I even mentioned that the few times I've come home late while trying to find my "life path", once I rang my dad and as soon as he heard my voice, he hung up? I rang again and he wouldn't pick up. I come home, ask him. He said: I don't like being worried all the time.
FUCKING ARSEHOLE.
He didn't think to ring me up, now did he? He never calls me when he's worried, why? "People steal mobile phones, it's dangerous"... uh, yeah. It is. So is Karachi, more than London, I'd say. And if they want my khateechar Nokia 6021, they are more than welcome to it.
Anyway. Irish. Didn't reply to texts or emails once he "had" me. I really, really, really should have waited before sending those blog entries - that's when it went all pear-shaped. Oh, well. Experience. Will not be sending my blog entries to the next lafunga who dares cross my path.
And then lets me go, not giving a crap when I don't respond. Wants to chat with me on FB, wants to speak on the phone. Goes after another girl. Doesn't work out, so is wondering what it means when I say we had a connection. Has 300+ people on his FB list, half of which are really hot girls, are Khoja girls - are... whatever. That really, really, really bothered me.
I can admit it now. Now that he's no longer getting into my panties ;)
So I go and emotionally vomit my heart (or my boobs, as Taz says!) out, begging him to love me as I loved him, begging him to accept me as I am, begging him to save me, begging him to become the man I can envision him to be ( I thought I saw potential, not too sure what it was now)...
What does he say in response?
"I read your message. Interesting stuff."
That's it. Interesting stuff.
Tazeen said she got the impression that he's very condescending towards me - I still have to sift through to see and feel that truth, because I really did think he had some sort of affection towards me - condescending behaviour - well, now I think of it, I could sometimes tell from the tone of his voice and the things he would say when I spoke to him on the phone.
Guess I was confused - as he was.
Jekyll Hyde personality, right? And I told him and he was shocked out of his brains: he couldn't see it?
Copy/paste chat some time in September.. am gladly ridding myself of the date keeping - was a pain in the arse, being so girly! Ufffffff......
(don't read if this is too long and boring - it's becoming tedious for me, too!)
So anyway. I was talking about Jekyll Hyde personalities and how it is that I was attracted to my frigging father - only better looking ;)
Date of email to Tazeen: 1st July 2010
TWAT. Everything I do that he dislikes, that's his fucking line. This time, I am more that willing to move into someone's house and then do something - a women's shelter or something. I won't even care that I'm lying that he beats me up. I've had it UP TO HERE with his fucking threats. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And then he says, "Oh you've cooked really nice loki ka saalan" and then he's ok.
He's a fucking Jekyll/Hyde personality.
WHOA!
Enter his replacement August 2010.
I was always intimidated by Irish. Afraid of never measuring up. Afraid of him leaving me. Which he did.
He might have thought the same, too. Guess I'll never know now :)
Serves me right for going "Why? Why? Why don't you like me enough to text me, to call me, to email me?" and "Why? Why? Why? am I too scared and too scarred so I want you in my life, but not really?"
Man, but I really wanna boink. Really want one badly :)
So, this was my first "love" and it's over now. Yesss! Another experience under my belt, which leads me farther down the path towards the person I am becoming and also to becoming a counsellor.
~~~
I hope that my next entry will shed a lot of light onto the fact that I am still holding onto my Barney, my black dog, my parasitical twin.
I still call it "my depression". Every single new person I meet and speak to for a while, I'm dying to tell them and usually do tell them. With a certain pleasure, a certain glee, if I am being honest. (Honesty - ha!)
That's still my identity.
It's like standing up in an AA meeting and introducing myself to the world, every single damned person:
"Hi, my name is Sukaina and I'm a depressive. If you say I'm not, I shall deny it, I shall prove to you that I am, still am - I say I want to become who I am meant to be, this vibrant, fucntioning and truly awesome person who will heal the world, but really, I jsut want you to know that I've been depressed since age 8 and it's screwed up my life and I'm a survivor and if you say anything about mental health, I will chew you to bits and... as revenge, I shall become depressed again."
I mean, I put it up on all my matrimonial profiles. First thing. Because I "think" I'm being "honest" and cutting off the dead wood.
To be fair, the blokes who approached me after having read my mini-novellas either never read my profile properly or were big enough to at least try to deal with it. Irish being the only one I connected with..... sigh.
Tazeen really thinks he can't be the one I'll marry. He doesn't want to grow as a person. Game Over.
Question is: I know I am using him as distraction for working though my own stuff, my own pain - which I see, observe, but refuse to deal with because it really is so painful and I really don't know how I can be safe or functioning if I begin - I don't even know how to begin.
Thing is, I now want to start to love myself, but I want to have the prime male energy in my life now.
Yes.
Still.
Can I do both? No, I'm sure I'll just attract another Imran. Well, that's OK, as long as this dude's got a Mini Cooper ;)
Kidding! (I have to get rid of all his vocabulary from mine - I initially was going to write Joke! *sigh*)
And to be completely truthful, as of now, this has really taken its toll on my self-esteem.
I completely lost it. Lost my dignity. My marbles. I willingly shed myself bare for him.
I blamed him by saying that I couldn't believe he was forcing me to write that long-assed "I love you" email. Where was the gun, Sukaina? He asked a simple question and you felt this physical compulsion to reply to him IMMEDIATELY, without referring to wiser people (yush, that's you Taz!)
Verbal dioahreahsdsalfkjsdl - yes, I haven't a clue how it's spelled - I don't think anyone except for GPs know!
These are some of the things I've written in the emails *hangs head in shame*
Giving you time to miss me ;)
pathetic attempts to make you smile (sent him two attachments: one was the stalker kitty one!)
Forsaking my modesty for a day... (and sending him Rumi sayings as attachments - UGH! IDIOT!)
In fact, I now absolve myself: it is all Kahlil Gibran's fault!!!! http://www.katsandogz.com/onlove.html
Kidding. I take full responsibility for my actions and feelings. And I choose to no longer feel shame or to know longer desire to know why or "the truth".
Somehow, I thought I was enjoying it, being in the Moment, falling in love for the first time, but somehow it now doesn't seem as though I did it... sigh.... "properly" - Yes, because Sukaina knows what the proper way is. Because there is a proper way....(sarcasm)
But there's one thing: any emotional vomiting will take place on journal pages, in my frantic mandalas, in my frantic emails or phone calls... but not to the object of my desire.
Ha! Yah, right!
So now what....? How to curb the verbal vomiting left, right and centre? How to balance my throat chakra?
And when is the right time to attract the right person into my life? I really do want to be in a loving, mutual relationship that will one day lead to marriage.
I really can't be the only person who has issues, right? Other people get married and have babies with their issues..... why am I still dumping on myself and waiting for that "eventually"?
I am no longer a rock nor an island.
Taz is right: where's the spark in life without the second half of our being?
And, having had a taster, I want it so much more. The right way, the right time... sigh...
I have just resurrected that five year-old. The double-decker missed him completely. Or he has a tiny war wound to talk about, but he's here, alive, kicking and searching for me too. Yay!
And when we are married, or courting, I am so taking him to the zoo, Cuba, Iraq and I shall dedicate the song Sakeena to him. Doesn't matter that I gave it to Imran as a token of my "love".
It doesn't make it any less sacred. Because Outlandish rock! <3
P.S. Am listening to Genio Attrapado by Christina Aguilera - MUST. LEARN. ESPAGNOL!
I wanted things to work out so badly with Irish.
Why?
He's sweet, he's nice, he's steady, he's Shia... long list. And, yes, he's Khoja. That was very comforting. Speaking about Mombasa and Hujjat and Hyderi mosques. And having a system for Lakha families 1, 2 and 3 and Juma families 1, 2 and 3. Comforting, like eating mogo and kuku paka and pilao.
I called him a Jekyll/Hyde person. The first time was when he stopped emailing or replying to my texts. Since then, I've called him that to my friends, and in the delusional "love letter" I sent to him two weeks ago (time goes fast even when you're in limbo).
Apa says he's my dad. I saw a lot of my dad in him. The rationality, the sneering about my being emotional, the declarations of how "women cause mayhem in the household over small things, being impartial and talking from experience", the gut fear I got when I saw one of his photos, I'll say it again, I got so SCARED of him, and I knew that he would hit me when he got out-of-control angry.
Now I'm not saying that's the truth. My intuition - well, if it's working, I can't see it, and Tazeen never saw any violence in him. But I was shit scared. I just knew it. Two things, which I know I'm repeating: he looks exactly like his father and that he would hit me if he had to, when uncontrollably angry.
Forget that now.
Not really listening to me, not reading me, not calling me. Cutting off communication completely. Have I even mentioned that the few times I've come home late while trying to find my "life path", once I rang my dad and as soon as he heard my voice, he hung up? I rang again and he wouldn't pick up. I come home, ask him. He said: I don't like being worried all the time.
FUCKING ARSEHOLE.
He didn't think to ring me up, now did he? He never calls me when he's worried, why? "People steal mobile phones, it's dangerous"... uh, yeah. It is. So is Karachi, more than London, I'd say. And if they want my khateechar Nokia 6021, they are more than welcome to it.
Anyway. Irish. Didn't reply to texts or emails once he "had" me. I really, really, really should have waited before sending those blog entries - that's when it went all pear-shaped. Oh, well. Experience. Will not be sending my blog entries to the next lafunga who dares cross my path.
And then lets me go, not giving a crap when I don't respond. Wants to chat with me on FB, wants to speak on the phone. Goes after another girl. Doesn't work out, so is wondering what it means when I say we had a connection. Has 300+ people on his FB list, half of which are really hot girls, are Khoja girls - are... whatever. That really, really, really bothered me.
I can admit it now. Now that he's no longer getting into my panties ;)
So I go and emotionally vomit my heart (or my boobs, as Taz says!) out, begging him to love me as I loved him, begging him to accept me as I am, begging him to save me, begging him to become the man I can envision him to be ( I thought I saw potential, not too sure what it was now)...
What does he say in response?
"I read your message. Interesting stuff."
That's it. Interesting stuff.
Tazeen said she got the impression that he's very condescending towards me - I still have to sift through to see and feel that truth, because I really did think he had some sort of affection towards me - condescending behaviour - well, now I think of it, I could sometimes tell from the tone of his voice and the things he would say when I spoke to him on the phone.
Guess I was confused - as he was.
Jekyll Hyde personality, right? And I told him and he was shocked out of his brains: he couldn't see it?
"do i come across as the hyde/jekyl complex? seriously?!"
Copy/paste chat some time in September.. am gladly ridding myself of the date keeping - was a pain in the arse, being so girly! Ufffffff......
(don't read if this is too long and boring - it's becoming tedious for me, too!)
10:38 Imran
Salaam Sukaina
how are you?
10:38Me
wa alaikum as salaam Imran
10:39Imran
interesting response to my message..hmmm
10:39Me
I am okay... how are you?
10:39Imran
alh...
10:39Me
again with the interesting and the hmmm......
quit it already! :P
10:39Imran
hey its a habit...
10:39Me
ok fair enough.... :)
10:39Imran
so i read your message
mixed messages...hmmm
interestingly i didnt mean it like that
i was sending you a funny depiction of a common occurence whilst on FB
10:40Me
so why couldn't you say that instead of writing FYI?
i just didn't see the relevance
10:41Imran
hmmm
interesting!
inshallah i'll remember that next time if i decide to ever send you something... :)
10:42Me
lol
10:42Imran
Which is possibly why I feel like your dog/bitch right about now.
what was this?
10:42Me
please do remember that WHEN you send me something next time
Oh God, if i have to explain what seems perfectly clear to me....
meh....
10:42Imran
meh?
no explain it sukaina!
10:43Me
Yes. M.E.H.
Anyway, you're at work, as I recall.
10:43Imran
No sukaina
dont change the topic!
10:43Me
No time for frivolities, as I remember.
10:44Imran
no this time i have the time
to listen
as always i am curious as to what you think of me and how i come across
explain...
10:44Me
Maybe it is better for you to talk...
so why did you send me that random Youtube thingy?
apart from what you already said
10:45Imran
Be a doll, quit the Mr Hyde act and return to your Dr Jekyll emailing. You can express yourself very well when you want to. You have my digits, if you feel that's better way to say whatever it is you're trying to say.
no sukaina explain
10:45Me
Explain what? Honestly, what part of it don't you understand?
10:46Imran
do i come across as the hyde/jekyl complex?
seriously?!
all of it sukaina!
10:46Me
Y.E.S. You do come across as that. I understand withdrawal, I do it myself, but this is ridiculous.
10:46Imran
you took statement from my mouth and used them against me
huh?
what!
ok so have i been patient with you?
ok
right!
10:47Me
Wait a minute
10:47Imran
no i dont think i need to wait sukaina...
inshallah i will speak to you when i have a moment
10:48Me
lol why not? We're just discussing
this is not conflict
10:48Imran
it is
10:48Me
I'm confused, I need to ask things
and you're confused, and I shall reply as well
10:49Imran
hmmm
im confused!
lol
thats new
10:49Me
and even if it is conflict, sometimes it's necessary Imran. You can't keep avoiding the real world....
10:49Imran
avoiding the real world?
haahahahha
what so you think i live in a fantasy
10:50Me
Well, ok, avoiding conflict and disagreement
10:50Imran
sukaina, i dont avoid conflict
10:50Me
And we all live in our built fantasy worlds, it's called perspective.
OK, so you don't
10:51Imran
hold up dont change the topic
10:51Me
I will try not to say otherwise
10:51Imran
i asked you to explain the message
10:51Me
I'm not changing the topic!!!!
10:51Imran
yes you are
10:51Me
OK, well which part of it is confusing?
10:51Imran
who said it was confusing!
i asked you to explain what you meant by the following statement
s*
you decided to bring the topic around me avoiding conflict, and avoiding the real world
10:53Me
that's how i talk, all over the place, making links that most people find bewildering. Is that a disclaimer I should add before each convo?
10:53Imran
(sigh)
You are a confusing woman, sukaina!
10:54Me
Might I say the same, Imran? (man-boy, though)
10:54Imran
man-boy? WTF!!!!
10:54Me
Oh. Yes.
Most males are, so it's a generalisation
Nothing personal.
10:55Imran
Sukaina if i still play games, enjoy sports... and do everything that i still enjoy as a child
infact i am what every MALE MAN does at my age
he has a PS3
10:56Me
I'm not saying anything about that argh
Of course you all do
it's the tribal, clannish way of relating
10:56Imran
He meets his mate
he is unsure about getting married
10:56Me
well then why lie about it?
10:56Imran
because he would meet a woman, who is the exact copy of HIS MOTHER
lie about what?
10:57Me
LMAO
so who have you met who's exactly like your mum?
10:57Imran
YOU
thats why i am not looking for a mother, i am looking for a WIFE!
seriously sukaina!!!
10:58Me
WHAT? i thought I was my own mother.....
10:58Imran
ok...
10:58Me
OK so please be clear
10:58Imran
No sukaina....
there you go again...
I didnt want to change the topic
lets start from the TOP shall we
10:58Me
OK
10:59Imran
I asked you to explian the message you sent me, with particular interest to the statements you made
now explain or this will be my last time we speak
Fine.
11:00Me
wait
jesus
Imran, Immy, Manu whatever..... please do get off your high horse
Confidence is good, arrogance, not-so-much
11:01Imran
Sukaina... stick to the question!
11:01Me
Well, don't throw these ultimatums
it's not nice
11:01Imran
Sukaina... I have been patient with you for a long time...
Most guys would have walked away a long time ago
11:01Me
OK, let's talk about that first please
because I am so self-involved, I can't see what you're seeing
11:02Imran
so if i set an ultimatum, its relative to the time we have known one another!
11:02Me
barely a month
how is that long enough?
11:02Imran
Its relative
now explain
you have a minute!
11:03Me
Imran
please tell me how you've been patient and how is it that it's so piss taking?
11:03Imran
sukaina i asked a very simple and relatively easy question...
will you answer it!
11:03Me
OK
11:03Imran
If you dont have a response say so
Which is possibly why I feel like your dog/bitch right about now.
11:04Me
Right OK
I can do that
11:04Imran
This is the statement
11:04Me
I feel confused
11:04Imran
"Which is possibly why I feel like your dog/bitch right about now."
This is the statement
11:05Me
I haven't a clue what I am doing that is causing you to be "patient" with me
so maybe now you'd respond with all the stuff I'm doing that is frustrating you
11:05Imran
why do you feel that i have treated you like a dog!
as you put it
11:05Me
well, it's like come here boy in the beginning
and then back off since the past week or so
then a random Youtube post and a Salaam
a little inconsistent
11:06Imran
ok
and...
11:07Me
and it's confusing me
11:07Imran
how?
11:07Me
How?
11:07Imran
yes, HOW?
11:07Me
To me, BACK OFF means BACK OFF
11:07Imran
evidently not!
11:08Me
what do you mean evidently not?
11:08Imran
but continue
continue sukaina!
11:08Me
no... how does Back off NOT mean Back off?
11:09Imran
when have i told you to back off?
11:11Me
You have indicated so by your own admittance of having a very laid back attitude to most things, the lack of response to emails and texts (which you started btw)... the very cerebral way of looking at things and not thinking that if someone is acting like a complete moronic idiot, you should either pull the plug and put them out of their misery or at least be forthcoming as to why you're being so distant.
Like, all the attention in the beginning, I slowly gain trust in you and BAM! Nothing. Static.
11:12Me
I'm done with this part of the message..... any thoughts?
11:14Imran
hmmm
To respond, i think this is my way of behaving
11:16Imran
i dont look it at the like that, but to to say that i make you feel like a dog and to explain to me that you feel like that is because of my lack in respond to you as a reason does not collerate
Sukaina if i dont respond to you doesnt not mean that i am not interested in you
i was and am still interested in getting to know you
11:19Imran
but you seem to have this ANTI-MAN/BOY shield that you put up when you feel threated and you give me the impression that you will never trust another man ever!
11:19Me
lol
Well, I think I have told you as much. To me, acknowledging and accepting that I have this shield means that I know it is there and am working on it.
11:20Imran
no seriously you sometimes stump me in my tracks with your eloquent use of words, but the statements come across like you enjoy creating enemies!
11:20Me
Well, I don't.
If you want to assume that about me... well.... that says something about you rather than me :P
11:21Imran
Ok let me test you on your ability to trust me
i will give you a scenario
you tell me how you feel
when you read it
ok
11:22Me
OK, although simulations are never accurate. One can never know how one wil react until put smack in the middle of a situation. But, OK, go ahead with the social experiment.
11:23Imran
i am regretting already by continuing this conversation
but alas
11:23Me
lol
what is it with you? learn to laugh at yourself :D
He's laughing at us all the way from up there - we might as well join Him in the hilarity
11:24Imran
hmmm
11:24Me
chalo
come on.... out with the scenario already...
11:25Imran
i need a coffee!
give me a second
11:25Me
you're not being serious! lmao ahahahaha
fine lemme know when you get back lmao
11:25Imran
actually 5/7 mins
~~~~~
End of. The rest of the chat was as imbecilic as the beginning was. Not sure what happeend to my profile pic, though.
You know how sad I am? I've put the heading of this saved chat as Really good convo :D *rolls eyes* Just because he asked me to meet him, meet his family and that he said "dig it" about my green hijab cloud hat photo.
Big deal! I'm a gorgeous, sexy, mystical, mysterious, other-worldly and extremely horny gypsy woman. Who wouldn't be in love with me? *wiggles eyebrows*
And Tazeen says - and the reason I'm quoting her is because IT'S ALL TRUE AND I WAS SO BLIND I TOLERATED IT INSTEAD OF thinking clearly:
"See Suki is a smart girl! She realizes little little signs. I initially said it and I’ll say it again, He would have been perfect for you if he wanted to grow as a person. You both have a lot of similarities.
I asked you once if he persuaded you when you disappeared. You said no. Well there you go. By informing you about his cousin’s death, he was pulling you back in. You stop, he pulls, you go back, he pushes and the cycle repeats itself."So anyway. I was talking about Jekyll Hyde personalities and how it is that I was attracted to my frigging father - only better looking ;)
Date of email to Tazeen: 1st July 2010
TWAT. Everything I do that he dislikes, that's his fucking line. This time, I am more that willing to move into someone's house and then do something - a women's shelter or something. I won't even care that I'm lying that he beats me up. I've had it UP TO HERE with his fucking threats. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. And then he says, "Oh you've cooked really nice loki ka saalan" and then he's ok.
He's a fucking Jekyll/Hyde personality.
WHOA!
Enter his replacement August 2010.
I was always intimidated by Irish. Afraid of never measuring up. Afraid of him leaving me. Which he did.
He might have thought the same, too. Guess I'll never know now :)
Serves me right for going "Why? Why? Why don't you like me enough to text me, to call me, to email me?" and "Why? Why? Why? am I too scared and too scarred so I want you in my life, but not really?"
Man, but I really wanna boink. Really want one badly :)
So, this was my first "love" and it's over now. Yesss! Another experience under my belt, which leads me farther down the path towards the person I am becoming and also to becoming a counsellor.
~~~
I hope that my next entry will shed a lot of light onto the fact that I am still holding onto my Barney, my black dog, my parasitical twin.
I still call it "my depression". Every single new person I meet and speak to for a while, I'm dying to tell them and usually do tell them. With a certain pleasure, a certain glee, if I am being honest. (Honesty - ha!)
That's still my identity.
It's like standing up in an AA meeting and introducing myself to the world, every single damned person:
"Hi, my name is Sukaina and I'm a depressive. If you say I'm not, I shall deny it, I shall prove to you that I am, still am - I say I want to become who I am meant to be, this vibrant, fucntioning and truly awesome person who will heal the world, but really, I jsut want you to know that I've been depressed since age 8 and it's screwed up my life and I'm a survivor and if you say anything about mental health, I will chew you to bits and... as revenge, I shall become depressed again."
I mean, I put it up on all my matrimonial profiles. First thing. Because I "think" I'm being "honest" and cutting off the dead wood.
To be fair, the blokes who approached me after having read my mini-novellas either never read my profile properly or were big enough to at least try to deal with it. Irish being the only one I connected with..... sigh.
Tazeen really thinks he can't be the one I'll marry. He doesn't want to grow as a person. Game Over.
Question is: I know I am using him as distraction for working though my own stuff, my own pain - which I see, observe, but refuse to deal with because it really is so painful and I really don't know how I can be safe or functioning if I begin - I don't even know how to begin.
Thing is, I now want to start to love myself, but I want to have the prime male energy in my life now.
Yes.
Still.
Can I do both? No, I'm sure I'll just attract another Imran. Well, that's OK, as long as this dude's got a Mini Cooper ;)
Kidding! (I have to get rid of all his vocabulary from mine - I initially was going to write Joke! *sigh*)
And to be completely truthful, as of now, this has really taken its toll on my self-esteem.
I completely lost it. Lost my dignity. My marbles. I willingly shed myself bare for him.
I blamed him by saying that I couldn't believe he was forcing me to write that long-assed "I love you" email. Where was the gun, Sukaina? He asked a simple question and you felt this physical compulsion to reply to him IMMEDIATELY, without referring to wiser people (yush, that's you Taz!)
Verbal dioahreahsdsalfkjsdl - yes, I haven't a clue how it's spelled - I don't think anyone except for GPs know!
These are some of the things I've written in the emails *hangs head in shame*
Giving you time to miss me ;)
pathetic attempts to make you smile (sent him two attachments: one was the stalker kitty one!)
Forsaking my modesty for a day... (and sending him Rumi sayings as attachments - UGH! IDIOT!)
In fact, I now absolve myself: it is all Kahlil Gibran's fault!!!! http://www.katsandogz.com/onlove.html
Kidding. I take full responsibility for my actions and feelings. And I choose to no longer feel shame or to know longer desire to know why or "the truth".
Somehow, I thought I was enjoying it, being in the Moment, falling in love for the first time, but somehow it now doesn't seem as though I did it... sigh.... "properly" - Yes, because Sukaina knows what the proper way is. Because there is a proper way....(sarcasm)
But there's one thing: any emotional vomiting will take place on journal pages, in my frantic mandalas, in my frantic emails or phone calls... but not to the object of my desire.
Ha! Yah, right!
So now what....? How to curb the verbal vomiting left, right and centre? How to balance my throat chakra?
And when is the right time to attract the right person into my life? I really do want to be in a loving, mutual relationship that will one day lead to marriage.
I really can't be the only person who has issues, right? Other people get married and have babies with their issues..... why am I still dumping on myself and waiting for that "eventually"?
I am no longer a rock nor an island.
Taz is right: where's the spark in life without the second half of our being?
And, having had a taster, I want it so much more. The right way, the right time... sigh...
I have just resurrected that five year-old. The double-decker missed him completely. Or he has a tiny war wound to talk about, but he's here, alive, kicking and searching for me too. Yay!
And when we are married, or courting, I am so taking him to the zoo, Cuba, Iraq and I shall dedicate the song Sakeena to him. Doesn't matter that I gave it to Imran as a token of my "love".
It doesn't make it any less sacred. Because Outlandish rock! <3
P.S. Am listening to Genio Attrapado by Christina Aguilera - MUST. LEARN. ESPAGNOL!
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