Your Type Four EnneaThought for December 23rd
Make this Affirmation today: "I now affirm that I am free of the damage of my past."
Everything to do with the fucked up man-boy is now officially and permanently in the past. Exactly 4 months since he first sneakily charmed his way into my life.
I set myself free from all attachments in this life and all previous and future lives. Thou art a toxic boy and thou ruineth my self-esteem. Thou art not good for me. Addiction, obsession, passive-aggressiveness and violence and anger: not good in a relationship. Up and down from the get go.
Me prank call you? HA! Khush fehmiyan, chhote bachhe. You should be so lucky. How utterly fucked up.
Who the heck is this ineloquent and impolite woman to assume I need a "new person" in my life in order to be functional or let you go? Or to tell me to "get back with" you? WTF?
As if I had a choice in the matter after I cocked up with that ridiculously unnecessary "love confession" on the 11th of November. You made your final decision. Even if you didn't have the guts to tell me to my face. Or the eloquence to say it in a manner that wouldn't confuse me. Oh, well, I finally managed to connect the dots. Me is smart, even when delusional.
And I will forever honour it.
I had no choice but to honour it, then. Accept what is. Equanimity and Zen.
And now, laddie, I don't even want you! I deleted you from FB on 29th November. How much more of a statement do you require?
So I now honour myself. I don't think I ever did want you, but I went on with the self-constructed and contrived sociological participant-observer experiment. How cruel and heartless an undertaking! And it bit me hard in the ass because I am the one who's suffered the most in all of this.
Karma? OH. EFFING. YES!
Feeling pain and insanity and obsession in places and in ways I never knew existed. Hunting for a piece of meat. Who was completely unavailable. After I made myself completely unavailable.
Have you no spine, no balls, no manhood left? Why can't you fight your own ridiculously contrived battles? WTF?
You told me you were going to get a new phone number, because of your many stalkers. I have been assuming that you changed it the same time I got my new phone, way back in November. I lost your old phone number when I lost my phone on Halloween.
I knew there was a reason for it, symbolic and synchronous. We both didn't have each other's phone numbers because we were not going to speak to each other ever again. And God has erased all your texts from my elephant memory.
So there you go.
I have a pay-as-you-go phone. I am extremely cheap when it comes to spending money, and moreso on time-wasters. I don't even text my own mother or father.
And, surprising as it may seem to someone like yourself, I have a spine, a solid backbone, and balls. Do you even remember what that feels like, man-boy? You might have had them at some point, but you've obviously flogged them for a video game.
What kind of messed-up, manic depressive, OCD, suicidal impression did I give you? And you took everything at face value? Or have you conveniently assumed such utter rubbish about me because you have some seriously fucked up issues? And are projecting your lame-ass inner stuff onto me.
I may have lost all sense of propriety and a few bazillion marbles for a limited period, at the time, but that's because I had to experience everything - the hurt, humiliation, obsession, addiction. But that's it. I have regenerative qualities. I am a phoenix. I rise from the ashes - always.
If I want to speak to you, I will ruddy email you or call you and speak to you. Speak to you directly.
Whatever I have to say, no matter how rudely, inarticulately or whatever other adjective I can't conjure up at this moment, I will face up to it and OWN it.
Or just not bother with the humiliation and keep my mouth shut and drive my friends crazy instead - which I have been doing until tonight, but that's it. I am past annoying and boring my beautiful friends.
I will not ask some crazy-ass British Paki (30/12: she's actually Bengali) female to stalk and accuse and place a false accusation and tohmat on an innocent person. At least, I hope Allah will guide me to never do that.
And, I am way past manipulating you. I hated acting impulsively and destructively through those behaviours, but at least they showed me that the person I want to become is certainly free from and above such rubbishy, girly, needy, clingy, obsessive and limpet-like whims. I release all those OCD and addictive tendencies now.
I seek refuge in my Allah for the thought ever crossing my mind of sinking so low as to pursue a man in this manner ever again.
I am the girl, the female, the woman. I am the one to be pursued and persuaded that I should propose marriage to the man, not me pursuing and chasing him. Lady Fatimah did not do that with Imam Ali.
Enough said.
You are so not worth it. I was so mistaken.
I can do so much better than a confused, odd, little north London Khoja mama's boy man-boy.
I love myself way too much to ever make this mistake again.
My Travis is a mature man, with strains of Agha Sultani and Agha Khoei and Sheikh Arif in him.
I deleted my matrimonial profile on 6th December. I have slowly been cutting you out since that day. I continue to EFT tap you out of my memory and my life. Some people just take longer to come to closure and resolution, especially when they aren't used to caring for people and treating those same people in a weird-ass manner and having those people reciprocate the same.
What a PLONKER! GET OFF MY BACK! AND GET YOUR WEIRD-ASS, STALKER, OBSESSIVE GIRLFRIEND OFF MY BACK, TOO!
I have a strong inkling that the other girl you dumped, the one I "counselled" you about, she might be the one prank calling you. You should be used to the stalking by now - you seem to enjoy it. That's why you keep attracting it metaphysically and subconsciously. Attention-seeker. You chase after people, ignore them, then allow them to stalk you. Ohh... I see that with clarity.
And then you go mouthing off and allowing some random idiot to harass me because I'm not doing the same?
And you thought I was the same? That I was the frigging same? Yet another stalker? One more for the collection?
I did the online stalking only because we were still "getting to know one another", when there was no acceptable closure or when I took all the blame upon myself, blamed my lack of interest and confusion as the reason for your inexplicable behaviour. Or when I was insanely obsessed, the Shadow of my true state of Being.
I shall continuously hope and pray for clarity and for Allah's forgiveness, because there's no way I am getting these 4 months of my life back. I had better learn all the damned Karmic lessons because I no longer want to think or see or hear of you again.
You screwed up Khoja male. I don't want a repeat of this in my new relationships either. This stops here.
I am not Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Your rabbit will not be boiled in your soup.
Furthermore, it is the sacred month of Muharram. I have so many other things on my mind, like re-dedicating myself to my roots, my deen, as part of the ummat of the Prophet and his family and to follow their example. And mourning the death of Imam Hussain (a.s.). Attending the masjid, performing maatam, etc. Checking out the new talent as I enter and leave the mosque. Or run around London, living my new life.
Hey, we all do it.
Zainab binte Ali is my role model.
Fatemah Zahra binte Muhammad is my role model.
Muhammad, Ali, Hassan, Hussain, Abbas are all my role models.
Imam Mahdi is my role model.
I am Zainab, I am Sukaina, I am Sakeenah.
I AM PEACE.
I AM LOVE.
I come from a good lineage: I may have willingly given you a piece of my haya, effat and modesty, but that was when I thought I was actually going to marry you. It was a foregone conclusion in my pretty, intelligent, but slightly confused, head.
Like hell.
I have asked Allah and continue to ask Him for forgiveness and to allow me my shield of modesty so intact and impenetrable that I shall never make the same mistake I made with you. You were just my first, virginal experiment in trying to live the lives of mere mortals. A test case.
I am not an imbecilic idiot, running after an East African Khoja, Oedipal male sheep: say Baaaaaa!
I am just a decent and loving and gullible Soul who fell in and out of love, and trusted a random stranger too easily and too early. Who looked to others to justify or corroborate what she thought was Real.Who thought that God was cutting her some slack, that she was getting what He had destined and, surprisingly, she was actually satisfied with the decree.
Go play with someone else somewhere else, little man-boy.
Go ruin other girls' self-esteem until you learn your bloody Karmic lesson. Prefer the company of your own self. Play PS3. Add a gazillion, bazillion other Khoja and half naked girls onto your FB list, "like" all their photos and FB statuses. Pursue like the headless and heartless centaur that you are.
Ca m'en FICHE! Qu'est-ce que c'est ce MERDE?
God knows what you've been telling that "insignificant" university friend. God knows why she takes it upon herself to be your saviour, your ambassador, your shadow. This is really pathetic. What kind of people do you know? Where is the nobility in character, the dignity, the wisdom, the good common sense? How on Earth do you screen your friends?
But, just in case you are too dumb and blind to understand this by now, here is a head's up: that Rukhsana Ahad girl is one hell of a sinister, dangerous trouble maker. I had a foreboding feeling inside when she FB poked me. She had no bloody reason to do so.
Unless it is you who is the sinister one. I have mistaken the purity and sincerity of people in the past, this time doesn't have to be any different.
Right now, à ce moment-là, I may feeling intensely angry and insulted and thinking "what the hell?" in my mind to this Operation Mindfuck. Because I have been allowing my Ego a little free reign these days.
But that's it.
I refuse to let you waste any more of my time, my thoughts, my emotions: my FUCKING LIFE!
My blog reads like the worst Mills and Boon or teenage romance ever. I would spit on it. And trample it in the dust. I wouldn't even recycle it, because I wouldn't even wipe my bum on the paper that was used to print such rubbish.
One day, I will have the balls to delete every single email and photograph of yours. I tried today, but couldn't.
But one day, I will do that too.
AND I SHALL GO TO IRAQ FOR ZIYARAT AND IT WILL BE WITH MY HUSBAND, WHO WILL NOT BE YOU.
And Allah, grant me the serenity to just drop this. I access the wisdom of my inner prophet and my higher self.
This is it.
For the sake of the day of Ashura and for the sake of the Prophet's tears over his grandson, Hussain.
I release myself from this worldly bondage and weird-ass, screwed up, diabolical connection with this unsure, scattered, placid individual.
I release the need for him in my life in this dysfunctional, toxic manner.
I now open my heart to give and receive true, unconditional love.
I now attract the perfect Soul Mate and Life Partner into my life.
I re-dedicate myself to the cause of your deen of Islam and my part that I must play. You will prepare me for it. You have woken me to it. For the sake of everything You love and hold dear, I will persevere and succeed, the way all your Prophets succeeded in the tasks they accepted from you.
O God,
http://duas.org/sajjadiya/s49.htm
Make this Affirmation today: "I now affirm that I am free of the damage of my past."
Everything to do with the fucked up man-boy is now officially and permanently in the past. Exactly 4 months since he first sneakily charmed his way into my life.
I set myself free from all attachments in this life and all previous and future lives. Thou art a toxic boy and thou ruineth my self-esteem. Thou art not good for me. Addiction, obsession, passive-aggressiveness and violence and anger: not good in a relationship. Up and down from the get go.
Rukhsana sent you a message.
 | Rukhsana Ahad21 December 2010 at 22:18 can u please leave imran alone and find a new person in ur life otherwise please get back with him your choice....thanx |
Rukhsana sent you a message.
| Rukhsana Ahad21 December 2010 at 22:19 why are u prank calling him? |
Me prank call you? HA! Khush fehmiyan, chhote bachhe. You should be so lucky. How utterly fucked up.
Who the heck is this ineloquent and impolite woman to assume I need a "new person" in my life in order to be functional or let you go? Or to tell me to "get back with" you? WTF?
As if I had a choice in the matter after I cocked up with that ridiculously unnecessary "love confession" on the 11th of November. You made your final decision. Even if you didn't have the guts to tell me to my face. Or the eloquence to say it in a manner that wouldn't confuse me. Oh, well, I finally managed to connect the dots. Me is smart, even when delusional.
And I will forever honour it.
I had no choice but to honour it, then. Accept what is. Equanimity and Zen.
And now, laddie, I don't even want you! I deleted you from FB on 29th November. How much more of a statement do you require?
So I now honour myself. I don't think I ever did want you, but I went on with the self-constructed and contrived sociological participant-observer experiment. How cruel and heartless an undertaking! And it bit me hard in the ass because I am the one who's suffered the most in all of this.
Karma? OH. EFFING. YES!
Feeling pain and insanity and obsession in places and in ways I never knew existed. Hunting for a piece of meat. Who was completely unavailable. After I made myself completely unavailable.
Have you no spine, no balls, no manhood left? Why can't you fight your own ridiculously contrived battles? WTF?
You told me you were going to get a new phone number, because of your many stalkers. I have been assuming that you changed it the same time I got my new phone, way back in November. I lost your old phone number when I lost my phone on Halloween.
I knew there was a reason for it, symbolic and synchronous. We both didn't have each other's phone numbers because we were not going to speak to each other ever again. And God has erased all your texts from my elephant memory.
So there you go.
I have a pay-as-you-go phone. I am extremely cheap when it comes to spending money, and moreso on time-wasters. I don't even text my own mother or father.
And, surprising as it may seem to someone like yourself, I have a spine, a solid backbone, and balls. Do you even remember what that feels like, man-boy? You might have had them at some point, but you've obviously flogged them for a video game.
Who the hell do you think I am, laddie?
What kind of messed-up, manic depressive, OCD, suicidal impression did I give you? And you took everything at face value? Or have you conveniently assumed such utter rubbish about me because you have some seriously fucked up issues? And are projecting your lame-ass inner stuff onto me.
I AM NOT THAT
I may have lost all sense of propriety and a few bazillion marbles for a limited period, at the time, but that's because I had to experience everything - the hurt, humiliation, obsession, addiction. But that's it. I have regenerative qualities. I am a phoenix. I rise from the ashes - always.
If I want to speak to you, I will ruddy email you or call you and speak to you. Speak to you directly.
Whatever I have to say, no matter how rudely, inarticulately or whatever other adjective I can't conjure up at this moment, I will face up to it and OWN it.
Or just not bother with the humiliation and keep my mouth shut and drive my friends crazy instead - which I have been doing until tonight, but that's it. I am past annoying and boring my beautiful friends.
I will not ask some crazy-ass British Paki (30/12: she's actually Bengali) female to stalk and accuse and place a false accusation and tohmat on an innocent person. At least, I hope Allah will guide me to never do that.
And, I am way past manipulating you. I hated acting impulsively and destructively through those behaviours, but at least they showed me that the person I want to become is certainly free from and above such rubbishy, girly, needy, clingy, obsessive and limpet-like whims. I release all those OCD and addictive tendencies now.
I seek refuge in my Allah for the thought ever crossing my mind of sinking so low as to pursue a man in this manner ever again.
I am the girl, the female, the woman. I am the one to be pursued and persuaded that I should propose marriage to the man, not me pursuing and chasing him. Lady Fatimah did not do that with Imam Ali.
Enough said.
You are so not worth it. I was so mistaken.
I can do so much better than a confused, odd, little north London Khoja mama's boy man-boy.
I love myself way too much to ever make this mistake again.
My Travis is a mature man, with strains of Agha Sultani and Agha Khoei and Sheikh Arif in him.
I deleted my matrimonial profile on 6th December. I have slowly been cutting you out since that day. I continue to EFT tap you out of my memory and my life. Some people just take longer to come to closure and resolution, especially when they aren't used to caring for people and treating those same people in a weird-ass manner and having those people reciprocate the same.
What a PLONKER! GET OFF MY BACK! AND GET YOUR WEIRD-ASS, STALKER, OBSESSIVE GIRLFRIEND OFF MY BACK, TOO!
I have a strong inkling that the other girl you dumped, the one I "counselled" you about, she might be the one prank calling you. You should be used to the stalking by now - you seem to enjoy it. That's why you keep attracting it metaphysically and subconsciously. Attention-seeker. You chase after people, ignore them, then allow them to stalk you. Ohh... I see that with clarity.
And then you go mouthing off and allowing some random idiot to harass me because I'm not doing the same?
And you thought I was the same? That I was the frigging same? Yet another stalker? One more for the collection?
I did the online stalking only because we were still "getting to know one another", when there was no acceptable closure or when I took all the blame upon myself, blamed my lack of interest and confusion as the reason for your inexplicable behaviour. Or when I was insanely obsessed, the Shadow of my true state of Being.
I shall continuously hope and pray for clarity and for Allah's forgiveness, because there's no way I am getting these 4 months of my life back. I had better learn all the damned Karmic lessons because I no longer want to think or see or hear of you again.
You screwed up Khoja male. I don't want a repeat of this in my new relationships either. This stops here.
I am not Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Your rabbit will not be boiled in your soup.
Furthermore, it is the sacred month of Muharram. I have so many other things on my mind, like re-dedicating myself to my roots, my deen, as part of the ummat of the Prophet and his family and to follow their example. And mourning the death of Imam Hussain (a.s.). Attending the masjid, performing maatam, etc. Checking out the new talent as I enter and leave the mosque. Or run around London, living my new life.
Hey, we all do it.
Zainab binte Ali is my role model.
Fatemah Zahra binte Muhammad is my role model.
Muhammad, Ali, Hassan, Hussain, Abbas are all my role models.
Imam Mahdi is my role model.
I am Zainab, I am Sukaina, I am Sakeenah.
I AM PEACE.
I AM LOVE.
I come from a good lineage: I may have willingly given you a piece of my haya, effat and modesty, but that was when I thought I was actually going to marry you. It was a foregone conclusion in my pretty, intelligent, but slightly confused, head.
Like hell.
I have asked Allah and continue to ask Him for forgiveness and to allow me my shield of modesty so intact and impenetrable that I shall never make the same mistake I made with you. You were just my first, virginal experiment in trying to live the lives of mere mortals. A test case.
I am not an imbecilic idiot, running after an East African Khoja, Oedipal male sheep: say Baaaaaa!
I am just a decent and loving and gullible Soul who fell in and out of love, and trusted a random stranger too easily and too early. Who looked to others to justify or corroborate what she thought was Real.Who thought that God was cutting her some slack, that she was getting what He had destined and, surprisingly, she was actually satisfied with the decree.
Go play with someone else somewhere else, little man-boy.
Go ruin other girls' self-esteem until you learn your bloody Karmic lesson. Prefer the company of your own self. Play PS3. Add a gazillion, bazillion other Khoja and half naked girls onto your FB list, "like" all their photos and FB statuses. Pursue like the headless and heartless centaur that you are.
Ca m'en FICHE! Qu'est-ce que c'est ce MERDE?
God knows what you've been telling that "insignificant" university friend. God knows why she takes it upon herself to be your saviour, your ambassador, your shadow. This is really pathetic. What kind of people do you know? Where is the nobility in character, the dignity, the wisdom, the good common sense? How on Earth do you screen your friends?
But, just in case you are too dumb and blind to understand this by now, here is a head's up: that Rukhsana Ahad girl is one hell of a sinister, dangerous trouble maker. I had a foreboding feeling inside when she FB poked me. She had no bloody reason to do so.
Unless it is you who is the sinister one. I have mistaken the purity and sincerity of people in the past, this time doesn't have to be any different.
Right now, à ce moment-là, I may feeling intensely angry and insulted and thinking "what the hell?" in my mind to this Operation Mindfuck. Because I have been allowing my Ego a little free reign these days.
But that's it.
I refuse to let you waste any more of my time, my thoughts, my emotions: my FUCKING LIFE!
My blog reads like the worst Mills and Boon or teenage romance ever. I would spit on it. And trample it in the dust. I wouldn't even recycle it, because I wouldn't even wipe my bum on the paper that was used to print such rubbish.
One day, I will have the balls to delete every single email and photograph of yours. I tried today, but couldn't.
But one day, I will do that too.
AND I SHALL GO TO IRAQ FOR ZIYARAT AND IT WILL BE WITH MY HUSBAND, WHO WILL NOT BE YOU.
And Allah, grant me the serenity to just drop this. I access the wisdom of my inner prophet and my higher self.
This is it.
For the sake of the day of Ashura and for the sake of the Prophet's tears over his grandson, Hussain.
I release myself from this worldly bondage and weird-ass, screwed up, diabolical connection with this unsure, scattered, placid individual.
I release the need for him in my life in this dysfunctional, toxic manner.
I now open my heart to give and receive true, unconditional love.
I now attract the perfect Soul Mate and Life Partner into my life.
I re-dedicate myself to the cause of your deen of Islam and my part that I must play. You will prepare me for it. You have woken me to it. For the sake of everything You love and hold dear, I will persevere and succeed, the way all your Prophets succeeded in the tasks they accepted from you.
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