...these entries I made three years ago. I think it’s vital for me to post them up here, at this time, on this day.
19 Aug 2007
Ma vie est merde. The weather has been cloudy since I came back. My father is as selfish and cocky as ever. My health is as poor as ever. My SAD has already begun. I MUST get a light box. I don’t trust my father – j’suis devenue vulnerable à cause d’etre isolée ici – sans ma mère. J’pense pas que j’ai la fortitude. J’sais pas. Je veux être mariée, mais la question est: comment, quand et avec qui? C’est vrai que j’ai l’espoir de trouver qqn, mais c’est autant vrai ce que dit ma mère: il n’y aura bcp d’offres. Le marriage à Birmingham est peut-être une ocassion ou je peux profiter, mais le coeur deprimée ne veut pas y aller non plus et pas avec le père. Les aspirations de travailler avec Oxfam et Amnesty sont devenues nulles.
Je suis deprimée – je veux rien faire. Pourqui c’est inventi – la depression – les gens perdent une moitée de la vie, de la joie, de l’existence avec cette maladie. C’est suprennant comment j’écris aujourd’hui – les mots arrivent comme l’eau, sans cesser. La raison pour que je suis allée en Iran était simple: de prier à Dieu, à mon Dieu pour Ses benedictions et le chemin de la vie.
Et je sais que je peux trouver la direction dans les bouches de la creation – mais, la depression me rende stupide, nerveuse. Le temps est mauvais. Je veux ma mère, je veux mon beau (qui je ne connais pas): j’ai 24 ans selon le calendrier lunair. Selon les autorities réligieux, j’suis encore vieille pour la marriage et le fruit à commencer de "spoil".
Mais – je ne veux pas que je marie seulement à cause de n’avoir pas les intentions pour la carrière. Je peux pas comprimiser après tous les années de lutte, en battant les morés de la société, les visions de mon père traditionaliste. O Imam! J’ai seulement vous et vos representatifs de me guider. Je veux protèger ma réligion. Aidez-moi – avant que tout est perdu. Guidez-moi et priez pour moi. SVP.
O Dieu! Tu m’aime bien plus que mon père, plus que ma mère. Votre Savoir surpasse tout – moi, j’suis stupide et haqeer, les choses miniscules m’inquietent. Aide-moi de combattre les maladies de la tête, de respecter mes parents, de prendre les decisions sâges et les biens pensées, de suivre Votre réligion.
~~~
Whoa. The amount of content analysis and comparison I can make from what I believed then and now is phenomenal. I will do it, just not today. Just one note: the amount of emphasis I had been brainwashed into putting into religion instead of faith and spirit. Just explains a lot about a lot.
~~~
23 Aug 2007
Get a job. And then what?
Get married. And then what?
Gain more knowledge. And then what?
Although my religion is the most benign and encouraging thing in life, it’s telling me to constantly strive which is pretty difficult when I have these hurdles to overcome. I am surprised that my brain has not melted yet. Don’t know why I had to be an INFP which is 1% of the population. This means, as a minority, not only am I a freak but probably don’t even like other INFPs.
My dad really wants me to DO something, doesn’t have to be earning – I can take a course. He bought a book called Hot Courses for £2.50. So he cares, but is brutal. Aw, bless – not.
It’s taken me 23 years to figure out that if it weren’t for Allah’s mercy – we would all be goners. Whatever knowledge I have, I must put into practice. I really miss my mum – more the idea of her than what she is. I miss her kindness, she used to spend time with me. In December she didn’t – always on the move. I spent time with her when she was recuperating and am just realizing what a blessing that was. Because now I am not with her and even when I am, she refuses to give me what I need. Makes me wonder if she ever did – when I was young, yes. Does this mean that I haven’t grown up or am being unreasonable? For the overt affection of my mum? I don’t think so. But, then, I too, am like her – except when I am not.
I would like to marry someone who, of course it’s too idealistic, but who has at least SOME of the qualities.
It’s amazing how empty I found atheists – oh, well, C at least. Maybe she’s really gone into ISTJ mode or whichever. But they are missing out on hope on the +ive side and fear + awe on the –ive side (though I’m lacking the latter myself). I feel as though thick clouds in my brain – it’s 8:45pm and I want to sleep. No energy – even to call the U of Wmin researcher. I am in a phil mood.
I need to marry. I also need to marry my proper soul mate / 2nd half of my soul. Trouble is, I don’t go out, trouble is, I am depressed, trouble is, I am depressed, trouble is right now, with 2 weeks of non-stop cloudiness, my days run into each other and I feel no hope. No desire to move on in this sphere of life. Just dreamless sleep and maybe a Heaven that I earned without knowing. Ha ha.
For some reason, you accepted responsibility and asked to be born. You gave yourself too much credit – for you have no idea why your soul was born. You’re trying to find out but haven’t succeeded yet. You have a tendency to give up. Oh Lord – have mercy on my frailty. Grant me patience, courage and perseverance. And knowledge and wisdom. And strength to act according to both. Help me make the BEST decision re: le mari. C’est vraiment possible.
26 Aug 07
Once again – what do I do and where do I go? C’est incroyable, mais ma mère est vrai. Il y a qqchose I should be wary of. Non, seriously – what am I going to do? Don’t they understand - but that’s the thing – they DON’T. I don’t understand them (but then, they don’t have this burning desire to be understood – that’s just me). I can’t control the condition of not being able to think.
25 Aug 07
I am in the dining room, worshipping the sun. The sun came and is shining after 2 weeks of wintry weather. After reading the paper, it occurs that this was already forecast. But He still put the prayer in my heart and raised a thousand hopes.
I've been acting, and what's worse, thinking like a fool, out of control - since when? Safely said, October last year. I had hyper mania after April, buying DVDs worth $100 which I don't have and can't watch because of stupid regional specs. I haven't truly exercised since August/Sept. I have dispersed ideas as to what I want to do: save the world of everything: hate, injustice, poverty, ignorance, materialism, selfishness, blindness, pettiness.
Obviously, I am getting nowhere.
Without a plan and without support. I can't even be sure whether what I write now is of sanity, abnormality, Divine indication.
I owe Amina Muse two essays in Toronto. All my books and knowledge are stuck there. Aquila keeps thinking of the $170. Me too. But if I value those books MORE than $170 (which I do), then they NEED to be posted. Asking Samia to bring 3 books isn't making a difference.
All the possibilities arise when the weather is warm and there is light (sunlight). INFPs make good writers. I am capable of doing that. About what?
Islam and women. Homosexuality. Marriage and divorce. Community nationalism. The COEJ summer camp. It's my DUTY to write about it.
Just talking (in the middle) to Dad about going to Qum or Mashad to teach English. Am able to string my ideas into words. Now we're talking about translating a book into French.
~~~
And there you are. Discussion to follow (maybe, as I have more pressing concerns these days)...
19 Aug 2007
Ma vie est merde. The weather has been cloudy since I came back. My father is as selfish and cocky as ever. My health is as poor as ever. My SAD has already begun. I MUST get a light box. I don’t trust my father – j’suis devenue vulnerable à cause d’etre isolée ici – sans ma mère. J’pense pas que j’ai la fortitude. J’sais pas. Je veux être mariée, mais la question est: comment, quand et avec qui? C’est vrai que j’ai l’espoir de trouver qqn, mais c’est autant vrai ce que dit ma mère: il n’y aura bcp d’offres. Le marriage à Birmingham est peut-être une ocassion ou je peux profiter, mais le coeur deprimée ne veut pas y aller non plus et pas avec le père. Les aspirations de travailler avec Oxfam et Amnesty sont devenues nulles.
Je suis deprimée – je veux rien faire. Pourqui c’est inventi – la depression – les gens perdent une moitée de la vie, de la joie, de l’existence avec cette maladie. C’est suprennant comment j’écris aujourd’hui – les mots arrivent comme l’eau, sans cesser. La raison pour que je suis allée en Iran était simple: de prier à Dieu, à mon Dieu pour Ses benedictions et le chemin de la vie.
Et je sais que je peux trouver la direction dans les bouches de la creation – mais, la depression me rende stupide, nerveuse. Le temps est mauvais. Je veux ma mère, je veux mon beau (qui je ne connais pas): j’ai 24 ans selon le calendrier lunair. Selon les autorities réligieux, j’suis encore vieille pour la marriage et le fruit à commencer de "spoil"
Mais – je ne veux pas que je marie seulement à cause de n’avoir pas les intentions pour la carrière. Je peux pas comprimiser après tous les années de lutte, en battant les morés de la société, les visions de mon père traditionaliste. O Imam! J’ai seulement vous et vos representatifs de me guider. Je veux protèger ma réligion. Aidez-moi – avant que tout est perdu. Guidez-moi et priez pour moi. SVP.
O Dieu! Tu m’aime bien plus que mon père, plus que ma mère. Votre Savoir surpasse tout – moi, j’suis stupide et haqeer, les choses miniscules m’inquietent. Aide-moi de combattre les maladies de la tête, de respecter mes parents, de prendre les decisions sâges et les biens pensées, de suivre Votre réligion.
~~~
~~~
23 Aug 2007
Get a job. And then what?
Get married. And then what?
Gain more knowledge. And then what?
Although my religion is the most benign and encouraging thing in life, it’s telling me to constantly strive which is pretty difficult when I have these hurdles to overcome. I am surprised that my brain has not melted yet. Don’t know why I had to be an INFP which is 1% of the population. This means, as a minority, not only am I a freak but probably don’t even like other INFPs.
My dad really wants me to DO something, doesn’t have to be earning – I can take a course. He bought a book called Hot Courses for £2.50. So he cares, but is brutal. Aw, bless – not.
It’s taken me 23 years to figure out that if it weren’t for Allah’s mercy – we would all be goners. Whatever knowledge I have, I must put into practice. I really miss my mum – more the idea of her than what she is. I miss her kindness, she used to spend time with me. In December she didn’t – always on the move. I spent time with her when she was recuperating and am just realizing what a blessing that was. Because now I am not with her and even when I am, she refuses to give me what I need. Makes me wonder if she ever did – when I was young, yes. Does this mean that I haven’t grown up or am being unreasonable? For the overt affection of my mum? I don’t think so. But, then, I too, am like her – except when I am not.
I would like to marry someone who, of course it’s too idealistic, but who has at least SOME of the qualities.
It’s amazing how empty I found atheists – oh, well, C at least. Maybe she’s really gone into ISTJ mode or whichever. But they are missing out on hope on the +ive side and fear + awe on the –ive side (though I’m lacking the latter myself). I feel as though thick clouds in my brain – it’s 8:45pm and I want to sleep. No energy – even to call the U of Wmin researcher. I am in a phil mood.
I need to marry. I also need to marry my proper soul mate / 2nd half of my soul. Trouble is, I don’t go out, trouble is, I am depressed, trouble is, I am depressed, trouble is right now, with 2 weeks of non-stop cloudiness, my days run into each other and I feel no hope. No desire to move on in this sphere of life. Just dreamless sleep and maybe a Heaven that I earned without knowing. Ha ha.
For some reason, you accepted responsibility and asked to be born. You gave yourself too much credit – for you have no idea why your soul was born. You’re trying to find out but haven’t succeeded yet. You have a tendency to give up. Oh Lord – have mercy on my frailty. Grant me patience, courage and perseverance. And knowledge and wisdom. And strength to act according to both. Help me make the BEST decision re: le mari. C’est vraiment possible.
26 Aug 07
Once again – what do I do and where do I go? C’est incroyable, mais ma mère est vrai. Il y a qqchose I should be wary of. Non, seriously – what am I going to do? Don’t they understand - but that’s the thing – they DON’T. I don’t understand them (but then, they don’t have this burning desire to be understood – that’s just me). I can’t control the condition of not being able to think.
25 Aug 07
I am in the dining room, worshipping the sun. The sun came and is shining after 2 weeks of wintry weather. After reading the paper, it occurs that this was already forecast. But He still put the prayer in my heart and raised a thousand hopes.
I've been acting, and what's worse, thinking like a fool, out of control - since when? Safely said, October last year. I had hyper mania after April, buying DVDs worth $100 which I don't have and can't watch because of stupid regional specs. I haven't truly exercised since August/Sept. I have dispersed ideas as to what I want to do: save the world of everything: hate, injustice, poverty, ignorance, materialism, selfishness, blindness, pettiness.
Obviously, I am getting nowhere.
Without a plan and without support. I can't even be sure whether what I write now is of sanity, abnormality, Divine indication.
I owe Amina Muse two essays in Toronto. All my books and knowledge are stuck there. Aquila keeps thinking of the $170. Me too. But if I value those books MORE than $170 (which I do), then they NEED to be posted. Asking Samia to bring 3 books isn't making a difference.
All the possibilities arise when the weather is warm and there is light (sunlight). INFPs make good writers. I am capable of doing that. About what?
Islam and women. Homosexuality. Marriage and divorce. Community nationalism. The COEJ summer camp. It's my DUTY to write about it.
Just talking (in the middle) to Dad about going to Qum or Mashad to teach English. Am able to string my ideas into words. Now we're talking about translating a book into French.
~~~
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