Okay, his friend just tagged him in some photos he took at the wedding he went to three weeks ago. Obviously, you guys don't get to see.... I've already blown his and my privacy into smithereens...
(July 2011 - Meh, it's done with, I've shown all of you anyway :) )
(11 September 2012 - I don't need his photo any longer. It's burned up in the ashes of the past. So I am choosing to delete it today... I have humiliated myself enough for love - or what I thought was love.)
OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!
Finally photos that do him justice. No wonder he has so many stalkers and people going nuts over him. His posse. And he found me interesting and enjoyed my company.
Hubba hubba DROOL - my eyes literally popped OUT of their SOCKETS!
Vimal, WHO????
And I have just lost him - again - because I sent him an email. This one. The one he had no response to.
I live in my head way too much. Honestly.
No wonder he's run off away, far far away... typical behaviour - which I can't bear, my heart hurts too much to bear it time and again. And this was all over the internet and phone. The dumpings, the tantrums. If I was to meet him, another story.... and if I was to get engaged and it was still like this.... and then, married? I couldn't handle it when we were just being "friends"... and I can't handle it now when I haven't a clue what he's thinking - well, I'm not a mind reader so I don' t need to know.
Nobody is going to save you from your life sitaution, Suki. Not Imran. Not even Sidra - she's ignoring you on purpose because you've crossed the boundaries and are replacing your clinging behaviour from Imran to her.
If your dad's threatened to throw you out again last night (fifth time, for those of you who are counting), then postscripting it in the email you sent Imran (which you did) or telling Sidra (which you did) changed nothing. Imran didn't reply. Sidra told you to stop being stubborn. And the father comes home soon. And you still haven't cooked. How the heck do I cook a whole kilo of mushrooms anyway? And it's fricking cold.
You only have God. And yourself. And somehow, that's enough.
Somehow... you are gonna get thru this as well. Learn from it. Somehow...
From: Imran Lakha
To: Sukaina Juma
Sent: Thu, 11 November, 2010 13:14:50
Subject: RE: SHORT email alert!
From: Imran Lakha
To: Sukaina Juma
Sent: Thu, 11 November, 2010 14:02:23
Subject: RE: SHORT email alert!
From: Sukaina Juma
To: Imran Lakha
Sent: Thu, 11 November, 2010 20:47:05
Subject: Keep your cojones handy...
(July 2011 - Meh, it's done with, I've shown all of you anyway :) )
(11 September 2012 - I don't need his photo any longer. It's burned up in the ashes of the past. So I am choosing to delete it today... I have humiliated myself enough for love - or what I thought was love.)
OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!
Finally photos that do him justice. No wonder he has so many stalkers and people going nuts over him. His posse. And he found me interesting and enjoyed my company.
Hubba hubba DROOL - my eyes literally popped OUT of their SOCKETS!
Vimal, WHO????
And I have just lost him - again - because I sent him an email. This one. The one he had no response to.
I live in my head way too much. Honestly.
No wonder he's run off away, far far away... typical behaviour - which I can't bear, my heart hurts too much to bear it time and again. And this was all over the internet and phone. The dumpings, the tantrums. If I was to meet him, another story.... and if I was to get engaged and it was still like this.... and then, married? I couldn't handle it when we were just being "friends"... and I can't handle it now when I haven't a clue what he's thinking - well, I'm not a mind reader so I don' t need to know.
Nobody is going to save you from your life sitaution, Suki. Not Imran. Not even Sidra - she's ignoring you on purpose because you've crossed the boundaries and are replacing your clinging behaviour from Imran to her.
If your dad's threatened to throw you out again last night (fifth time, for those of you who are counting), then postscripting it in the email you sent Imran (which you did) or telling Sidra (which you did) changed nothing. Imran didn't reply. Sidra told you to stop being stubborn. And the father comes home soon. And you still haven't cooked. How the heck do I cook a whole kilo of mushrooms anyway? And it's fricking cold.
You only have God. And yourself. And somehow, that's enough.
Somehow... you are gonna get thru this as well. Learn from it. Somehow...
From: Imran Lakha
To: Sukaina Juma
Sent: Thu, 11 November, 2010 13:14:50
Subject: RE: SHORT email alert!
Nice tune! Im guessing you’re killing time atm.
You know when you mentioned on FB chat about having a connection with me, what did you mean?
Something to think about for today.
Ws, Imran.
From: Imran Lakha
To: Sukaina Juma
Sent: Thu, 11 November, 2010 14:02:23
Subject: RE: SHORT email alert!
Each sentence you wrote, grew with Anger... Not pleased... If we do have a connection, then why don’t you act upon it, instead of being miserable and whiny like every single cat-feeding woman that ever existed!!! J How’s that for Cojones? Sorry anger doesn’t suit me, I’m a placid individual....
They do pay me, but i do have the opportunity to be distracted from time to time. I bring this company a million pounds a year, which might i add is a considerable amount compared to my peers. Which means i have lunch at my desk, because socialising with these buffoons saves me the knack of being nice. I don’t do petty talk, i am a straight talker!!! We’ll i like to be...
Rukhsana is a girl i know from University, hence the reason i ignored your first mention of her... I would ignore her as you do with everyone who is insignificant, personally i do the same thing to a lot of people. You are of the lucky ones, who i can tolerate and actually enjoy spending time with.... so stop being peculiar and meet me? J yeah??
If you don’t like me, have no fear.... I don’t bite and i won’t make it hard for you... What do you say???
From: Sukaina Juma
To: Imran Lakha
Sent: Thu, 11 November, 2010 20:47:05
Subject: Keep your cojones handy...
(Disclaimer: the email written below is written in a spirit of interchanging moods: bemusement, a little snappity-snap (because I'm like that, as I feel I have been yo-yo'd and seriously misunderstood and maltreated as previously mentioned), deadpan humour, a touch of... "Is this guy serious? Is he really that thick? Answer: Yes!", but also with a touch of indulgent chuckling... "Ahhhh, and the man-boy strikes again!")
Anger? You've got to be joking! Seriously... Anger? Anger? Anger? (x100)
Just because I didn't feel like putting all those smileys and lols and lmaos and *wink wink nudge nudge*, you - once again - assume something about me that is as far from the truth as it could be.
Why would I put them in anyway? Mr Impervious Irishman and Ms. "Ukhti" (yes, I noticed) are just "friends", I still have a constant need for dialogue (more now than ever previously imagined), you have attachment issues, I have abandonment issues, there's a million and one things you have point blank ignored and have not explained, despite my requests for you to explain your brusque, abrupt behaviour. You went and forged ahead with the next conquest, what, the very next day you dumped me? And then have the... for lack of a word, _______ to go and tell me about how you're sad because Mama said No and that was it.
And then what do you say about the poor girl?
You know as i wrote the previous email and sent it to you, this “unknown emotion” vanished, literally!! I have not thought about the issue or the girl since i received your email, however i have had the occassional call from the girl, but mehhhh i ignored it!! I dont have a reason to answer or pursue her...
That is absolutely HEARTLESS AND CRUEL AND IF YOU THINK YOU'RE PLEASING GOD BY GOING ALL MEH (stop using that, it's only for privileged Canadians to use. You are defo not one of us, mate.) AND NOT EVEN RESPONDING AFTER ACTING LIKE AN IMPULSIVE, PREMATURE EJACULATING DICKHEAD by buying her dinner, paying for her fares and getting her a cheesy rose on each date, you're so on the bottom pile of fuel in the seventh pit of hell - alongwith.... Hitler. And... Saddam. (OK, slightly miffed here, emphasis on slightly)....
You know what you are? You are a premature ejaculator. There. I said it. Again. Ouch.
I was being witty, blasé and deadpan in the previous email. You remember what that type of humour entails, right? You being the frequent user of such humour yourself. *wink wink nudge nudge* lol lmao :) ;)
(Is that enough, or do I have to put in even more? Assume that they are sprinkled after every line in this email.... I don't have the patience to do it manually.)
Just trying to speak in your language. Apparently, that's the way I flirt. So, sue me.
You only pretend you don't do anger. You're passive-aggressive. Mr Jekyll-Hyde. You suffer from permanent Pre-MAN-strual Tension (lol!). I don't usually use this word flippantly, after all, I am a fierce advocate again mental health name-calling, but I will say you've even acted bipolar.
Everyone has anger. Everyone deals with it in a different way. I've done the suppression and the passive-aggression in the past, now I'm in a phase of finding it hard to control it - it is symptomatic of the depression. Freud (yes, we shall never be rid of him now, thanks to you, Irish) said that depression is anger turned inwards and he's got the right idea. I am completely aware of it and am working on it. The way I am working though my trust issues, solely for your sake.
I haven't told you, but after you dumped me the first time on 3rd October 2010 at... ok, well I've lost my mobile, so I can't refer to the time, I think it was 11ish..... my life has been HELL. Insomnia. Death by chocolate. Loads of leaking, until there was no more leaking to take place. So I'd drink water or my hippie, herbal tea and start all over again, listening to SAD FM constantly and posting Youtube vids on my FB and then deleting them. Watch the Jewel one called Foolish Games (right at the bottom, funnily enough, there are a lot of angry love songs). Foolish games. So apt. So many emails in my draft folder and texts in my Drafts file (well, no longer - phone is gone) and my not sending them because my friend told me you hadn't shown yourself worthy of that kind of honestly, you weren't reciprocating. And, luckily, the fog cleared enough to see she was right.
Fantasies about running into traffic (OK, a little bit OTT, the running into traffic is part of the depression, not you - don't worry, I'm not trying to manipulate you into guilt here. It's in control, for now.) But you didn't help, for someone who sees himself as kind and patient and understanding about depression.
I've even started EFT and counselling and anger management and other weird stuff to try and get over you, or try to reconcile with you. Which worked on the 14th of October 2010 when we had the FB chat (yes, I have saved them all).
And so I say in the text on Monday, 18th October 2010 at 11pm, you owe me an email explaining how you feel I'm messing you about.
Why? Why would I ask you to share that? Because I find it important to get through all the miscommunication.
This is why I was telling you to get advice from your older sister. I don't know her at all, but she likes cats, and I have this idea that if you told her how you've handled this toward the end.... she'd call you an immature man-boy, too. Just a hunch. Like I said, don't know her.
Strong medicine, but I'm not going to mince words in such an important email. (Plus, I still haven't had my cat nap and I've just vaccuumed the entire house, so am slightly grumpy, emphasis on slightly).
I keep getting hurt. You can be extremely tactless most of the time. It's painful. You haven't quite persuaded me yet that not all men are neanderthals. Hypothetical social scenarios, all done from your high perch observing the world, telling me stuff but not explaining, acting like such a kid sometimes....and making me feel as though I was unworthy, defective, not good enough. Not worth enough effort to call me in the daylight hours and allow me to explain. A midnight text was all I was worth.
You gotta step up and start explaining things. I've been willing to do it; you, not so much. Admit that much.
"If you don't like me, have no fear..."
Stumped me the third time. Record, I think.
Me not like you. Right.
I take out everyone's I-Ching and email it to them. I'm willing to act like a complete MORON and counsel someone who's taken me through the shredder three times and I'm still acting like the Awesome Compassionate Healer and telling him to take a stand and think it over. With a girl who is, essentially, my competition.
I'm going against the "bloody istekhara" result. Against my dear mother's wishes. Considering I was willing to make a completely incompatible marriage to an Ayatollah's son based on one of those. (Did you even read all that yet?)
I hate how possessive and weirdly tolerant I have become regarding this person i.e. you.
I neither like it nor do I understand it. It just is. It won't go away. I tell it Scat! and it looks at me and goes No way, José. You are stuck with this.
Caring for someone,
The list goes on and on...... I cannot believe you are forcing me to spell all of this out.
Look at my FB friends list. 54 people I think are worth keeping on it; well I would cut 10-15 of them off, but either I'm related to them or they keep adding me after I've deleted them so I've just given up. I shall delete them sneakily at a later date - muhahaha!
I only have one male friend in this world. One. His name is Umair Alam and I've known him since grade 5. He's an idiot. I used to have a crush on him three eyars ago. At least he talks and replies to emails. I'm not comparing the two of you. What I'm saying is: you are (potentially, "still under review") the second friend. That's it. That's a huge deal for someone who is painfully shy and has major problems with the male population in general. The other peeps on my list are cousins.
I'd add Sharif Sheriff (on your list, my second cousin) but I have never actually spoken to him beyond "Salaam" at family weddings and when I, on the rare occassion, visit his mother.
All my friends have gotten fed up me talking about you, whinging about you... blah blah blah.... Especially my best friend, and that's really funny, because her boyfriend's (and hopefully soon-to-be husband once her stupid parents get a clue that after 10 years, you just gotta let the kids do the halal thing) name is Imran too Talk about weird.
Point is, put yourself in someone else's shoes for two seconds.
You're the Londoner. I'm not. I've jsut moved back here six months ago. I'm still adjusting to the weather, the currency, the accents, the imbecility - hahaha.
Two different worlds. Two different perspectives.
There will be a lot of adjustment issues, and we both have to realise that, accept it, and work through it.
If we deem it worthwhile the effort and time and patience and hissy fits and diva-like tantrums (both yours and mine). And overcome the fears of being stuck in a marriage like our respective parents and having to divorce later on.
Because, trust me, I would divorce. I shall never become a victim to male abuse, be it physical, verbal, mental, emotional or other...
I've just gotten out of four miserable years of severe (emphasis on severe) depression. I wasn't able to get out of bed March of this year. I wasn't able to formulate a sentence, verbal or written in February. I've had hallucinations, OCD - the works.
You come out of nowhere and I say Yes to the Universe. Fair enough.
You say your friend had depression and you saw what it did, you say you're a patient individual, but I don't really see that.....
Why was I even on SS if I'm not ready to marry just yet? Because a friend told me, "if you're planning on marrying 5 years from now, you'd better start looking because it takes that long". So I went along with it. I do know I have an expiry date; a shelf life. I'm 26-and-a-half solar, 27-and-a-half lunar.
Wasn't expecting anyone to contact me on SS, especially after the bloke on Shiamatch called me a devil ... muhahahaha! Oh remind me to send you that chat...
The depression, the lack of desire to have children, the fact that I'm unemployed and have never worked (well, apart from Wimbledon, but that came later on - I'm done, btw, got paid my first installment).
And a month later, you message me. I didn't think anything of it. And then three weeks later, it was a completely different story.
I wrote in my original SS profile that I wasn't looking to get married for another 2-3 years. Right? But having met you and all the craziness that has happened and all the inner demons that have flared up inside of me, I know that I can't meet with you right now. I'm not ready. I'm such a five-year old kid in my head. I keep building things up way out of proportion and flaking out. I told you I was going way out of my comfort zone. Why would the diva do that? Because I think you're so worth it. So I was compromising big time. But it's still too much of a jump for me. For now.
I don't plan on saying no forever. I plan on growing up, womaning up, and then meeting up. But these things will take time.
I need to get my career on track. I'm completely financially dependent on my parents and have to hear my fair share of... what's the word... taunting from my father - "my money, my house, my this and that" (sorry, I don't know why I keep telling you all this stuff).
I do not plan on being like that forever, and would not dream of being entirely financially dependent on whoever I was to marry. But the depression needs to be worked through first. Which is why I keep banging on about it. Which is why I keep asking you about it..... it's a big chunk of my life right now..... not forever, just for now.
More importantly, I have to deal with my childhood scars and fears of abandonment and defectiveness and my major anger issues and resentments and all the rest of it....first. I've got a therapist. She's quite intuitive. She knew how tall you were - lol. And that you were very "sober". Ha!
She's the life coach for the SPL event this Saturday.
So I've begun to deal with my issues in full earnest. Because I want this to work out. So, actually, thank you for giving me such a hard time. Because if you didn't push all those buttons, I'd still be complacent and think my life was OK. You can't know yourself in isolation, only when you're in a relationship (any kind) with someone, because they end up being your mirror: the good and the bad.
I know all the negative stuff. But I didn't know that I was quite the stand-up comic....
And, frankly my dear, you have issues you need to deal with as well.
So wakey wakey..... rise and shine..... hellooooo......is it getting through??????
I cannot believe you've made me do this. Why can't you read between the frigging lines?
Now how can I tell God, yes, I protected my haya and my effat and my modesty when I've written all of this? This is equal to emotional prostitution.
How many Hail Marys do I have to recite tonight, now? Arrrrrgggghhhhhh.
A few more things:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
The Soul Mate
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
The person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
The person who brings to you to your own attention
so you can change your life
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet
Because they tear down your walls and smack you awake
A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and addictions,
break your heart open so new light can get in,
make you so out of control,
that you want to transform your life.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
"Pick up a Snickers and get some nuts!"
"I am clearly surrounded by imbeciles!" Mr Rude, The Mr Men Show
This is how I see it - eventually....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=045GD13q6cc
There's another one I want to send, but heck. You need to prove yourself first, matey.
You can't have it all the way you want i.e. pronto and I can't have it all the way I want i.e. perfect. But there has to be a middle ground. And TRUST. I already respect you, so that's not a problem. Well, as much as a person can respect a dumbass... joke!
Your turn. Go MENtal if you like.... show some anger. I like
"Ukhti" Sukaina
P.S. I really should have just gone for one of the Imran Khans. At least they are rich; I could poison them and be set for life 
P.P.S. You owe me an hour and a half of my life back.
Anger? You've got to be joking! Seriously... Anger? Anger? Anger? (x100)
Just because I didn't feel like putting all those smileys and lols and lmaos and *wink wink nudge nudge*, you - once again - assume something about me that is as far from the truth as it could be.
Why would I put them in anyway? Mr Impervious Irishman and Ms. "Ukhti" (yes, I noticed) are just "friends", I still have a constant need for dialogue (more now than ever previously imagined), you have attachment issues, I have abandonment issues, there's a million and one things you have point blank ignored and have not explained, despite my requests for you to explain your brusque, abrupt behaviour. You went and forged ahead with the next conquest, what, the very next day you dumped me? And then have the... for lack of a word, _______ to go and tell me about how you're sad because Mama said No and that was it.
And then what do you say about the poor girl?
You know as i wrote the previous email and sent it to you, this “unknown emotion” vanished, literally!! I have not thought about the issue or the girl since i received your email, however i have had the occassional call from the girl, but mehhhh i ignored it!! I dont have a reason to answer or pursue her...
That is absolutely HEARTLESS AND CRUEL AND IF YOU THINK YOU'RE PLEASING GOD BY GOING ALL MEH (stop using that, it's only for privileged Canadians to use. You are defo not one of us, mate.) AND NOT EVEN RESPONDING AFTER ACTING LIKE AN IMPULSIVE, PREMATURE EJACULATING DICKHEAD by buying her dinner, paying for her fares and getting her a cheesy rose on each date, you're so on the bottom pile of fuel in the seventh pit of hell - alongwith.... Hitler. And... Saddam. (OK, slightly miffed here, emphasis on slightly)....
You know what you are? You are a premature ejaculator. There. I said it. Again. Ouch.
I was being witty, blasé and deadpan in the previous email. You remember what that type of humour entails, right? You being the frequent user of such humour yourself. *wink wink nudge nudge* lol lmao :) ;)
(Is that enough, or do I have to put in even more? Assume that they are sprinkled after every line in this email.... I don't have the patience to do it manually.)Just trying to speak in your language. Apparently, that's the way I flirt. So, sue me.
You only pretend you don't do anger. You're passive-aggressive. Mr Jekyll-Hyde. You suffer from permanent Pre-MAN-strual Tension (lol!). I don't usually use this word flippantly, after all, I am a fierce advocate again mental health name-calling, but I will say you've even acted bipolar.
Everyone has anger. Everyone deals with it in a different way. I've done the suppression and the passive-aggression in the past, now I'm in a phase of finding it hard to control it - it is symptomatic of the depression. Freud (yes, we shall never be rid of him now, thanks to you, Irish) said that depression is anger turned inwards and he's got the right idea. I am completely aware of it and am working on it. The way I am working though my trust issues, solely for your sake.
I haven't told you, but after you dumped me the first time on 3rd October 2010 at... ok, well I've lost my mobile, so I can't refer to the time, I think it was 11ish..... my life has been HELL. Insomnia. Death by chocolate. Loads of leaking, until there was no more leaking to take place. So I'd drink water or my hippie, herbal tea and start all over again, listening to SAD FM constantly and posting Youtube vids on my FB and then deleting them. Watch the Jewel one called Foolish Games (right at the bottom, funnily enough, there are a lot of angry love songs). Foolish games. So apt. So many emails in my draft folder and texts in my Drafts file (well, no longer - phone is gone) and my not sending them because my friend told me you hadn't shown yourself worthy of that kind of honestly, you weren't reciprocating. And, luckily, the fog cleared enough to see she was right.
Fantasies about running into traffic (OK, a little bit OTT, the running into traffic is part of the depression, not you - don't worry, I'm not trying to manipulate you into guilt here. It's in control, for now.) But you didn't help, for someone who sees himself as kind and patient and understanding about depression.
I've even started EFT and counselling and anger management and other weird stuff to try and get over you, or try to reconcile with you. Which worked on the 14th of October 2010 when we had the FB chat (yes, I have saved them all).
Well, I have to go offline now.
But I'm glad we talked.....
Really glad
Silence isn't always golden.
Talk soon and have fun moving out this weekend and good luck with your Meeting on Monday....
np
enjoy
ws
Maybe you'll email or something after all that stuff has calmed down
Oh God, the ws again
:)
sure
You're always so formal :)
take care suki!
:D
Ok Immy! Can I say just one more thing?
Actually, forget it....
yes
Silence is better this time..... Byeeeeeeeeeeee
:)
go one
on
come one
on*
Hmmmm
ask away...
Well, it's a request
sure
Could you perhaps try to slow down on the ultimatums?
ok i understand...
Do you?
Because, if I'm being honest (when am I not lol)....
sorry i tend to get a tiny bit carried away
Why is that?
i dunno...
You've done it three or four times already...
i just dont like to be messed around
And you think I'm messing you around?
im a no nonsense kinda person
say what you mean and do as you say!
yes sometimes you come across as you do
Well, if you won't tell me when and how I've come across as that, how do you give me the chance to explain? Hmm? :)
OK, well I really am exhausted, so are you.
no
one second
OK
two mins
ok
Ok, Immy, my dad's throwing a fit....
I really have to go....
ok
i will text you
bye
Cool :)
bye bye :)
You are not online.
And so I say in the text on Monday, 18th October 2010 at 11pm, you owe me an email explaining how you feel I'm messing you about.
Why? Why would I ask you to share that? Because I find it important to get through all the miscommunication.
This is why I was telling you to get advice from your older sister. I don't know her at all, but she likes cats, and I have this idea that if you told her how you've handled this toward the end.... she'd call you an immature man-boy, too. Just a hunch. Like I said, don't know her.
Strong medicine, but I'm not going to mince words in such an important email. (Plus, I still haven't had my cat nap and I've just vaccuumed the entire house, so am slightly grumpy, emphasis on slightly).
I keep getting hurt. You can be extremely tactless most of the time. It's painful. You haven't quite persuaded me yet that not all men are neanderthals. Hypothetical social scenarios, all done from your high perch observing the world, telling me stuff but not explaining, acting like such a kid sometimes....and making me feel as though I was unworthy, defective, not good enough. Not worth enough effort to call me in the daylight hours and allow me to explain. A midnight text was all I was worth.
You gotta step up and start explaining things. I've been willing to do it; you, not so much. Admit that much.
"If you don't like me, have no fear..."
Stumped me the third time. Record, I think.
Me not like you. Right.
I take out everyone's I-Ching and email it to them. I'm willing to act like a complete MORON and counsel someone who's taken me through the shredder three times and I'm still acting like the Awesome Compassionate Healer and telling him to take a stand and think it over. With a girl who is, essentially, my competition.
I'm going against the "bloody istekhara" result. Against my dear mother's wishes. Considering I was willing to make a completely incompatible marriage to an Ayatollah's son based on one of those. (Did you even read all that yet?)
I hate how possessive and weirdly tolerant I have become regarding this person i.e. you.
I neither like it nor do I understand it. It just is. It won't go away. I tell it Scat! and it looks at me and goes No way, José. You are stuck with this.
Caring for someone,
- whom you haven't even met,
- who you're too scared to meet,
- who you weren't even physically attracted to in the beginning,
- who calls you "woman" and, now apparently "chicken",
- who has atrocious grammar (I said someone FLUENT in English in my profile - lol),
- who is completely married to his job, family and mates and made a point of mentioning it as many times as he possibly could in one telephone conversation,
- who is very social and active and vibrant whereas I've been stuck at home most of my life, with my books and cats (although changing it a little nowadays), but knee-boarding? Puh-leez...
- who is so rigid in his thinking, and only thinks and thinks in his tiny little box and thinks he's so open minded and accepting and tolerant, that you'd have deleted him from FB long ago, but you just chuckle and say "accept it, he just can't see it right now",
- who has an Ego the size of Jupiter and it constantly clashes with your Ego which is also the size of, well, Jupiter and a skin so thin he can't take "man-boy" and a little swearing on the chin,
- with whom you swear with/at just because you feel so safe and comfortable doing it (I don't swear around most people, or in public and definitely not around nice, peace loving Khoja ladies, but you assumed I was going to with your mother and the rest of the family....
),
- who is so Khoja you could scream and he flatly denies it - I've never even heard anyone use the word "chumcho" until you
- especially when you swore to yourself you wouldn't ever consider a Khoja,
- who has a huge-ass family which scares the living daylights out of you because you know you'll never pass the Motherrrrrr test (can you hear the Psycho music in the background - JOKE!!!!),
- and whom you like so much you can't ever imagine introducing him to your really, really embarrassing family.... (my father is as bad as I make him out and the rest of them are odd to say the least, where do you think I get it from?)
The list goes on and on...... I cannot believe you are forcing me to spell all of this out.
Look at my FB friends list. 54 people I think are worth keeping on it; well I would cut 10-15 of them off, but either I'm related to them or they keep adding me after I've deleted them so I've just given up. I shall delete them sneakily at a later date - muhahaha!
I only have one male friend in this world. One. His name is Umair Alam and I've known him since grade 5. He's an idiot. I used to have a crush on him three eyars ago. At least he talks and replies to emails. I'm not comparing the two of you. What I'm saying is: you are (potentially, "still under review") the second friend. That's it. That's a huge deal for someone who is painfully shy and has major problems with the male population in general. The other peeps on my list are cousins.
I'd add Sharif Sheriff (on your list, my second cousin) but I have never actually spoken to him beyond "Salaam" at family weddings and when I, on the rare occassion, visit his mother.
All my friends have gotten fed up me talking about you, whinging about you... blah blah blah.... Especially my best friend, and that's really funny, because her boyfriend's (and hopefully soon-to-be husband once her stupid parents get a clue that after 10 years, you just gotta let the kids do the halal thing) name is Imran too Talk about weird.
Point is, put yourself in someone else's shoes for two seconds.
You're the Londoner. I'm not. I've jsut moved back here six months ago. I'm still adjusting to the weather, the currency, the accents, the imbecility - hahaha.
Two different worlds. Two different perspectives.
There will be a lot of adjustment issues, and we both have to realise that, accept it, and work through it.
If we deem it worthwhile the effort and time and patience and hissy fits and diva-like tantrums (both yours and mine). And overcome the fears of being stuck in a marriage like our respective parents and having to divorce later on.
Because, trust me, I would divorce. I shall never become a victim to male abuse, be it physical, verbal, mental, emotional or other...
I've just gotten out of four miserable years of severe (emphasis on severe) depression. I wasn't able to get out of bed March of this year. I wasn't able to formulate a sentence, verbal or written in February. I've had hallucinations, OCD - the works.
You come out of nowhere and I say Yes to the Universe. Fair enough.
You say your friend had depression and you saw what it did, you say you're a patient individual, but I don't really see that.....
Why was I even on SS if I'm not ready to marry just yet? Because a friend told me, "if you're planning on marrying 5 years from now, you'd better start looking because it takes that long". So I went along with it. I do know I have an expiry date; a shelf life. I'm 26-and-a-half solar, 27-and-a-half lunar.
Wasn't expecting anyone to contact me on SS, especially after the bloke on Shiamatch called me a devil ... muhahahaha! Oh remind me to send you that chat...
The depression, the lack of desire to have children, the fact that I'm unemployed and have never worked (well, apart from Wimbledon, but that came later on - I'm done, btw, got paid my first installment
).And a month later, you message me. I didn't think anything of it. And then three weeks later, it was a completely different story.
I wrote in my original SS profile that I wasn't looking to get married for another 2-3 years. Right? But having met you and all the craziness that has happened and all the inner demons that have flared up inside of me, I know that I can't meet with you right now. I'm not ready. I'm such a five-year old kid in my head. I keep building things up way out of proportion and flaking out. I told you I was going way out of my comfort zone. Why would the diva do that? Because I think you're so worth it. So I was compromising big time. But it's still too much of a jump for me. For now.
I don't plan on saying no forever. I plan on growing up, womaning up, and then meeting up. But these things will take time.
I need to get my career on track. I'm completely financially dependent on my parents and have to hear my fair share of... what's the word... taunting from my father - "my money, my house, my this and that" (sorry, I don't know why I keep telling you all this stuff).
I do not plan on being like that forever, and would not dream of being entirely financially dependent on whoever I was to marry. But the depression needs to be worked through first. Which is why I keep banging on about it. Which is why I keep asking you about it..... it's a big chunk of my life right now..... not forever, just for now.
More importantly, I have to deal with my childhood scars and fears of abandonment and defectiveness and my major anger issues and resentments and all the rest of it....first. I've got a therapist. She's quite intuitive. She knew how tall you were - lol. And that you were very "sober". Ha!
She's the life coach for the SPL event this Saturday.
So I've begun to deal with my issues in full earnest. Because I want this to work out. So, actually, thank you for giving me such a hard time. Because if you didn't push all those buttons, I'd still be complacent and think my life was OK. You can't know yourself in isolation, only when you're in a relationship (any kind) with someone, because they end up being your mirror: the good and the bad.
I know all the negative stuff. But I didn't know that I was quite the stand-up comic....
And, frankly my dear, you have issues you need to deal with as well.
So wakey wakey..... rise and shine..... hellooooo......is it getting through??????
I cannot believe you've made me do this. Why can't you read between the frigging lines?
no one quoted it. I said....
sigh
Your profile is simple, eh?
yesh
your is ehhh... empty!
clear of any information...
bland without substance...
Summary: NOT LIKE SUKAINA!
lmao
Thanks, I needed a good laff! :D
suspended...
how so...
Well, I don't see the point
The only reason I'm not deleting the profile is because i have a Diamond account so will wait till that expires
hmmm... does that mean youre off the market? (Only I can refer to myself as a cow, not you)
if you really want to know, yes.
really, whos the lucky man? if its ok to ask you... (Who's the lucky man? Really?)
I've told you: it's all about the cats.
I'm reasserting my original position of militant feminist (Because it will take ages for me to get over this and no one else is worth bothering with).
Now how can I tell God, yes, I protected my haya and my effat and my modesty when I've written all of this? This is equal to emotional prostitution.
How many Hail Marys do I have to recite tonight, now? Arrrrrgggghhhhhh.
A few more things:
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe
The Soul Mate
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
The person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
The person who brings to you to your own attention
so you can change your life
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet
Because they tear down your walls and smack you awake
A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and addictions,
break your heart open so new light can get in,
make you so out of control,
that you want to transform your life.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
"Pick up a Snickers and get some nuts!"
"I am clearly surrounded by imbeciles!" Mr Rude, The Mr Men Show
This is how I see it - eventually....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=045GD13q6cc
There's another one I want to send, but heck. You need to prove yourself first, matey.
You can't have it all the way you want i.e. pronto and I can't have it all the way I want i.e. perfect. But there has to be a middle ground. And TRUST. I already respect you, so that's not a problem. Well, as much as a person can respect a dumbass... joke!
Your turn. Go MENtal if you like.... show some anger. I like
"Ukhti" Sukaina
P.S. I really should have just gone for one of the Imran Khans. At least they are rich; I could poison them and be set for life
P.P.S. You owe me an hour and a half of my life back.
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