The Emotional Alchemy book said it was good, the body releases that which needs to be released. I felt empty and unlovable for a bit, then the waterworks transformed into a soothing balm for the heart. I couldn't sleep, for the most obvious of reasons, even after listening to an hour of Darren Hayes, Keane and Atif Aslam. That's also partly because I shot down 60g of plain dark chocolate in one go yesterday while going through the emotional release.
So, I went to the kitchen to make some chamomile and then I noticed how clear the sky was after the rain. So, I opened the back door and went into the garden and....
If any of you have a chance, meditate at 2:30 in the black night on the little grid of stars that He has put there for us. Add the cooling wind for a calming sound effect. And I looked, and I gazed, and I regarded.
And I contemplated.
And, slowly, calm and trust and acceptance came into the heart. Once again, the stars and the winds and the velvet sky whispered:
"He has a plan. You are small and insignificant and don't understand. He, who made this, who continues to add to the Creation, who is so loving to you and to the object of your interest and to the people flooded out in Pakistan and to everybody - He knows what you don't. Now, put your trust in Him. If it is meant to be, it will happen in its own time, perhaps the timing is off.
If it's not meant to be, there is no ownership. You all are One in the Realm.
He has taught you so much. Take those lessons and reflect on them. But, more importantly, trust in Allah's guidance and end it. Something better shall come from this. Let go of attachments to this world. Touch your dreams and let them go."
And I managed to feel so much gratitude towards myself and towards God that, 5 months on from being a complete whack-job and bed-ridden due to psychosis and severe depression, I have been able to open up my heart and throat chakras so much that I allowed someone into my life and loved him and could imagine a life with him and not focus on his flaws but on his absolute beauty and perfection for being who he is.
Make sense?
I've spoken to six different people about the horribly negative istekhara. They all say, trust in God and follow it. Imran is one of them. He was the one who convinced me to take it out in the first place.
5th September 2010/SMS
"Here are my thoughts... Go with what Allah SWT says... Do the istekhara! He is certainly the best guide in the universe. Inshallah you will find me of the patient."
And then,
14th September 2010/email
"Personally i wouldn’t like you to do another istekhara, i think asking God once is good enough for me. He is absolute in His decision... With that in mind you still want to meet? Sure i guess i can meet you after your fair, as i want a lie-in on a weekend. I thought you were losing interest in me, maybe it’s good to meet and see from there..."
So, he is understanding and respectful, but then he acts like an ignoramus, not understanding how vulnerable I am right now, and goes and says a lie-in is more important than meeting up. Well, he doesn't, but that's how I ended up reading it.
He's too young, inexperienced and I am way too complicated.
I read, he doesn't. He plays PS3, I don't. He loves his family a tad too much for me. He travels a lot, I have deprivation and abandonment schema, which I can control with friends and family, but not with the man-boy I want to be intimate and loving and whole with. He doesn't like emailing and he didn't text me the entire day yesterday and it made me see how possessive and obsessive and sad and plain hurt I was over it.
God knows what he's thinking or feeling about my one-foot-in, one-foot-out, hesitation, indecisiveness and idealism in the face of harsh realities.
For a minute, I felt like I was Anne Elliot from Persuasion and he was Captain Frederick Wentworth - almost parallel situation - lol :) Damn you, Jane Austen. Khud shaadi nahin kar saki toh dunya ki saari larkiyan ko raam kahaaniyan suna keh.... lol
So, I'm going to cease being a twat to myself and to him, and do the cerebral, rational thing and just stop thinking that this is going to happen. It is not. If I'm lucky, we'll still manage to remain friends. If it doesn't happen that way, I smiled and sang and danced for 22 solid days.
I will always remember and always be grateful for that, you dear man-boy. You've made me grow exponentially and I've just had so much love and affection and compassion for you. I've been sending you Reiki and doing the metta meditations with you in mind..... amazing, after how closed off and bitter and blocked I've been for years and years and years.
This has even made me soften a little towards my own khala.
I have just become a joyous little bundle of light.
And you wouldn't believe the amount of male attention I've had in the past 22 days, it's the positive energy and aura I've been giving off.
Literally, a really good looking Paki/Indian/Greek man made a point to stare at me through the window for 30 seconds after getting off at Tooting Bec on Eid Saturday, just so, if I had any doubts about his thoughts, they were all dispelled with that brooding look.
This is what they all saw that day...
And on Monday, a guy who works at Morden Hall Park said hi (he came into Oxfam three months ago), then said "You're looking very well" and then checked me out top to bottom. *rolls eyes*
It's so unusual and novel.
Me, attractive.
Me, desirable.
It's also funny to see how weak these man-boys are and how obvious they can be about it and not give a damn, if I keep myself mindful and remember that I am not my body. If someone was to check out my mind and Soul and have compassion and unconditional positive regard for those parts of me, he'd have me through and through.
I thought I had found him in Imran. But, God says otherwise.
So I was wrong and have to seriously start working on the third-eye and crown chakras now. Because my intuition and inner voice and the ability to listen to Divine guidance (without resorting to flipping random pages of the Quran) is seriously shot. Always has been.
Now, that's all I will say today on this. It will take time to grieve and I accept that.
***
Actually, the main reason for writing this post is to declare that I've found white hair number 5 :((
I'm just 27 years and 3 months old (lunar). I'm not even married yet. Well, technically, that's not an issue, judging from my current situation.
(All the men-boys act like twats, some are just better at pretending than others.)
It had better stay at 5. Otherwise, I am shaving off my hair. And you know that I'm being serious about it.
So, I went to the kitchen to make some chamomile and then I noticed how clear the sky was after the rain. So, I opened the back door and went into the garden and....
If any of you have a chance, meditate at 2:30 in the black night on the little grid of stars that He has put there for us. Add the cooling wind for a calming sound effect. And I looked, and I gazed, and I regarded.
And I contemplated.
And, slowly, calm and trust and acceptance came into the heart. Once again, the stars and the winds and the velvet sky whispered:
"He has a plan. You are small and insignificant and don't understand. He, who made this, who continues to add to the Creation, who is so loving to you and to the object of your interest and to the people flooded out in Pakistan and to everybody - He knows what you don't. Now, put your trust in Him. If it is meant to be, it will happen in its own time, perhaps the timing is off.
If it's not meant to be, there is no ownership. You all are One in the Realm.
He has taught you so much. Take those lessons and reflect on them. But, more importantly, trust in Allah's guidance and end it. Something better shall come from this. Let go of attachments to this world. Touch your dreams and let them go."
And I managed to feel so much gratitude towards myself and towards God that, 5 months on from being a complete whack-job and bed-ridden due to psychosis and severe depression, I have been able to open up my heart and throat chakras so much that I allowed someone into my life and loved him and could imagine a life with him and not focus on his flaws but on his absolute beauty and perfection for being who he is.
Make sense?
I've spoken to six different people about the horribly negative istekhara. They all say, trust in God and follow it. Imran is one of them. He was the one who convinced me to take it out in the first place.
5th September 2010/SMS
"Here are my thoughts... Go with what Allah SWT says... Do the istekhara! He is certainly the best guide in the universe. Inshallah you will find me of the patient."
And then,
14th September 2010/email
"Personally i wouldn’t like you to do another istekhara, i think asking God once is good enough for me. He is absolute in His decision... With that in mind you still want to meet? Sure i guess i can meet you after your fair, as i want a lie-in on a weekend. I thought you were losing interest in me, maybe it’s good to meet and see from there..."
So, he is understanding and respectful, but then he acts like an ignoramus, not understanding how vulnerable I am right now, and goes and says a lie-in is more important than meeting up. Well, he doesn't, but that's how I ended up reading it.
He's too young, inexperienced and I am way too complicated.
I read, he doesn't. He plays PS3, I don't. He loves his family a tad too much for me. He travels a lot, I have deprivation and abandonment schema, which I can control with friends and family, but not with the man-boy I want to be intimate and loving and whole with. He doesn't like emailing and he didn't text me the entire day yesterday and it made me see how possessive and obsessive and sad and plain hurt I was over it.
God knows what he's thinking or feeling about my one-foot-in, one-foot-out, hesitation, indecisiveness and idealism in the face of harsh realities.
For a minute, I felt like I was Anne Elliot from Persuasion and he was Captain Frederick Wentworth - almost parallel situation - lol :) Damn you, Jane Austen. Khud shaadi nahin kar saki toh dunya ki saari larkiyan ko raam kahaaniyan suna keh.... lol
So, I'm going to cease being a twat to myself and to him, and do the cerebral, rational thing and just stop thinking that this is going to happen. It is not. If I'm lucky, we'll still manage to remain friends. If it doesn't happen that way, I smiled and sang and danced for 22 solid days.
I will always remember and always be grateful for that, you dear man-boy. You've made me grow exponentially and I've just had so much love and affection and compassion for you. I've been sending you Reiki and doing the metta meditations with you in mind..... amazing, after how closed off and bitter and blocked I've been for years and years and years.
This has even made me soften a little towards my own khala.
I have just become a joyous little bundle of light.
And you wouldn't believe the amount of male attention I've had in the past 22 days, it's the positive energy and aura I've been giving off.
Literally, a really good looking Paki/Indian/Greek man made a point to stare at me through the window for 30 seconds after getting off at Tooting Bec on Eid Saturday, just so, if I had any doubts about his thoughts, they were all dispelled with that brooding look.
This is what they all saw that day...
And on Monday, a guy who works at Morden Hall Park said hi (he came into Oxfam three months ago), then said "You're looking very well" and then checked me out top to bottom. *rolls eyes*
It's so unusual and novel.
Me, attractive.
Me, desirable.
It's also funny to see how weak these man-boys are and how obvious they can be about it and not give a damn, if I keep myself mindful and remember that I am not my body. If someone was to check out my mind and Soul and have compassion and unconditional positive regard for those parts of me, he'd have me through and through.
I thought I had found him in Imran. But, God says otherwise.
So I was wrong and have to seriously start working on the third-eye and crown chakras now. Because my intuition and inner voice and the ability to listen to Divine guidance (without resorting to flipping random pages of the Quran) is seriously shot. Always has been.
Now, that's all I will say today on this. It will take time to grieve and I accept that.
***
Actually, the main reason for writing this post is to declare that I've found white hair number 5 :((
I'm just 27 years and 3 months old (lunar). I'm not even married yet. Well, technically, that's not an issue, judging from my current situation.
(All the men-boys act like twats, some are just better at pretending than others.)
It had better stay at 5. Otherwise, I am shaving off my hair. And you know that I'm being serious about it.
Comments
I was immensely touched reading your blog. Can finally see you spreading your beautiful wings and developing an understanding and compassion for yourself and life :)