And it doesn't help that I am female. As much as I try to claim my own power, the power differential is so vast, that...
Am I too honest, too raw, too caring? Yes, yes, yes.
Is it wrong to be like this? No, it's just you don't fit on this plane of existence. Whereby people settle for second best, whereby people suppress and deny and fumble around and know or not know and care or don't care and lie while being genuine and...
Whereby my mind says one thing, my heart says another and God says a third and messes it all up.
Whereby I can swear at God and He knows I don't mean it, but that's not evident to anybody else. To everybody else, I am a blasphemer.
Your world is so expansive and I again feel stuck. But this time, it's because I've attached myself to the world. And what I think it has to offer.
Sucks, but there you go.
I want to sorta kill myself now, just to shut off the pain. Imagine me becoming a Samaritan. I could never become one; I'm too much of a loose cannon.
I've taken on too much and must shut down now.
Think of the flood in Pakistan. Think of the flood in Pakistan.
It is OK to love him. It is. Because you do love him, in the most Universal and particular ways at the same time. It was a gift from God; a crappy, double-edged gift, one that was to be taken away after just three weeks.
He doesn't reply to your emails, or your texts. And you kind of need that.
He's not all that eager to go out of his way to meet you - having a lie-in, etc. I mean, who does that? I mean, okay, they all do it.
But you don't like that. You think you deserve better. And, if it's so dissatisfying, you do deserve better.
He doesn't read and he's too regular Joe, American television programmes and PS3 etc. He wants to buy a house and live with his brother..... etc.
So... on that basis, since you can't change him... let it go. You never owned him. Even if you were to be with him, he would still leave one day.
Just let it go before you guys have a fight and it becomes even more difficult to sustain this relationship. Touch your dreams and let them go.
Sukaina, fucking think for yourself next time... you fucking twat. Try not to cave in and take out an istekhara the next time this (if it does) happens...
You care too much. And now your heart is breaking (well, sort of).
Willing to go so far just so that you could somehow put a Band-Aid on the gaping hole inside your soul?
Settling for somebody to hold? Because he really is a nice person with an amazing Soul. And respect. It might not be enough. You're in a mini-Jahannum right about now.
I took this photo with him in mind... such a little saddo, I am.
Having said that, his presence in my life has made me smile the most ever in my life.
Since the 23rd of August - it's been 22 days - I can't today, because today I have felt obsessive, possessive, angry, hurt, vindictive and now so unbelievably (or believably, since it's me) sad that my heart is once again leaking through my eyes and I weep the dregs of my Soul out.
But for the past 22 days, I have been so unbelievably happy and grateful and full of joie de vivre. I have smiled and radiated love every single day.
The thought of him has made me smile so many times, it's ridiculous. I'd think of him and smile. I'd read (and, if I'm being stupidly honest, re-read and re-read) his texts and emails and smile and pray for him and thank God for this "present, this gift, this taster of what love and friendship is for the regular mortals".
I felt like I was desired. In a most upright, honest and beautiful way.
What a delusion. What a sad state of affairs.
Allah says no.
I do not like the feeling of my baring my soul and being so vulnerable and at the end, not really being liked for being me. For not really being understood. This is how I feel after reading his last few emails and texts. He's getting fed up, tired, or just confused and thinking "Is this really worth it?"
I can never get understanding, I know. But it's all the Soul wants.
And the Soul never will get it.
I annoy myself so much. I've tried to balance the Yin and the Yang and haven't done myself justice. I have made myself so open and loving and vulnerable and honest and confused and scared. I have said Yes to the Universe and God just comes back with a No.
And within that, I somehow have to love myself for all that I do and feel and think. And show Him my character. Show him the guts behind my claims of being His lover first and foremost.
Of being in the world but not of it.
If I have advised Zuli to do so, I must do so. It's too bloody hypocritical to do otherwise.
Because, at the end of it all, I am all I have.
But, thank you, you beautiful person, for making me smile and feel worthwhile everyday since the day you contacted me. You won't understand, but that's understandable. Even I don't.
I mean, how can I think I've fallen when I haven't? It's just the idea of something, and now I can't get it, it becomes even more valuable.
Jesus...
This is enough. I'm bawling away and writing nonsense now. Being mindful about my sorrow. Or maybe it's the SAD.
*
*
*
*
(wordless scream)
Why do I still feel incomplete? Why can't I feel whole all by myself?
8:30 pm: Rip off the Band-Aid. Feel the hurt, the blood, the screams, the insanity. Then move on. It might take ages, but all I have is an aeon of loneliness to fill with muted sadness.
Am I too honest, too raw, too caring? Yes, yes, yes.
Is it wrong to be like this? No, it's just you don't fit on this plane of existence. Whereby people settle for second best, whereby people suppress and deny and fumble around and know or not know and care or don't care and lie while being genuine and...
Whereby my mind says one thing, my heart says another and God says a third and messes it all up.
Whereby I can swear at God and He knows I don't mean it, but that's not evident to anybody else. To everybody else, I am a blasphemer.
Your world is so expansive and I again feel stuck. But this time, it's because I've attached myself to the world. And what I think it has to offer.
Sucks, but there you go.
I want to sorta kill myself now, just to shut off the pain. Imagine me becoming a Samaritan. I could never become one; I'm too much of a loose cannon.
I've taken on too much and must shut down now.
Think of the flood in Pakistan. Think of the flood in Pakistan.
It is OK to love him. It is. Because you do love him, in the most Universal and particular ways at the same time. It was a gift from God; a crappy, double-edged gift, one that was to be taken away after just three weeks.
He doesn't reply to your emails, or your texts. And you kind of need that.
He's not all that eager to go out of his way to meet you - having a lie-in, etc. I mean, who does that? I mean, okay, they all do it.
But you don't like that. You think you deserve better. And, if it's so dissatisfying, you do deserve better.
He doesn't read and he's too regular Joe, American television programmes and PS3 etc. He wants to buy a house and live with his brother..... etc.
So... on that basis, since you can't change him... let it go. You never owned him. Even if you were to be with him, he would still leave one day.
Just let it go before you guys have a fight and it becomes even more difficult to sustain this relationship. Touch your dreams and let them go.
Sukaina, fucking think for yourself next time... you fucking twat. Try not to cave in and take out an istekhara the next time this (if it does) happens...
You care too much. And now your heart is breaking (well, sort of).
Willing to go so far just so that you could somehow put a Band-Aid on the gaping hole inside your soul?
Settling for somebody to hold? Because he really is a nice person with an amazing Soul. And respect. It might not be enough. You're in a mini-Jahannum right about now.
I took this photo with him in mind... such a little saddo, I am.
Having said that, his presence in my life has made me smile the most ever in my life.
Since the 23rd of August - it's been 22 days - I can't today, because today I have felt obsessive, possessive, angry, hurt, vindictive and now so unbelievably (or believably, since it's me) sad that my heart is once again leaking through my eyes and I weep the dregs of my Soul out.
But for the past 22 days, I have been so unbelievably happy and grateful and full of joie de vivre. I have smiled and radiated love every single day.
The thought of him has made me smile so many times, it's ridiculous. I'd think of him and smile. I'd read (and, if I'm being stupidly honest, re-read and re-read) his texts and emails and smile and pray for him and thank God for this "present, this gift, this taster of what love and friendship is for the regular mortals".
I felt like I was desired. In a most upright, honest and beautiful way.
What a delusion. What a sad state of affairs.
Allah says no.
I do not like the feeling of my baring my soul and being so vulnerable and at the end, not really being liked for being me. For not really being understood. This is how I feel after reading his last few emails and texts. He's getting fed up, tired, or just confused and thinking "Is this really worth it?"
I can never get understanding, I know. But it's all the Soul wants.
And the Soul never will get it.
I annoy myself so much. I've tried to balance the Yin and the Yang and haven't done myself justice. I have made myself so open and loving and vulnerable and honest and confused and scared. I have said Yes to the Universe and God just comes back with a No.
And within that, I somehow have to love myself for all that I do and feel and think. And show Him my character. Show him the guts behind my claims of being His lover first and foremost.
Of being in the world but not of it.
If I have advised Zuli to do so, I must do so. It's too bloody hypocritical to do otherwise.
Because, at the end of it all, I am all I have.
But, thank you, you beautiful person, for making me smile and feel worthwhile everyday since the day you contacted me. You won't understand, but that's understandable. Even I don't.
I mean, how can I think I've fallen when I haven't? It's just the idea of something, and now I can't get it, it becomes even more valuable.
Jesus...
This is enough. I'm bawling away and writing nonsense now. Being mindful about my sorrow. Or maybe it's the SAD.
*
*
*
*
(wordless scream)
Why do I still feel incomplete? Why can't I feel whole all by myself?
8:30 pm: Rip off the Band-Aid. Feel the hurt, the blood, the screams, the insanity. Then move on. It might take ages, but all I have is an aeon of loneliness to fill with muted sadness.
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