Skip to main content

Life is the biggest fallacy

I said I was questing for sanity. What a load of croc. I threw hysterics yesterday and can't really remember when was the last time I did this. Screaming like I had really gone mad. No inhibitions any more. Throwing a roll of toilet paper at the door. That's a good idea, mind you. I get the satisfaction of throwing something and not breaking anything. Except I am so sure the neighbours heard me, and I think one of them had guests over.

I have really gone crazy. My dad said he thinks it's black magic. And this, after I decided not to believe in it. Christ.

I lost it for an entire yesterday. I don't want do these things. The last thing I want to do is this. I have become a slave to my emotions and have no idea when this happened or why... I see myself as nice. Don't we all? As not wanting to harm; yet I do.

God knows why I had to break down at this point in time. At 23, when I should be living out my youth, I am stuck on a bed, unwashed hair, unbrushed teeth. Not understanding, not understood.

Khabardaar jo tum ney nayey dost banaaney ki koshish kiya toh.

What a fucking rigmarole over nothing. The brain that I cherished has gone. The comfort that I thought I had was all imagined. I just don't have anything. Except for food, shelter, security for which I AM grateful for, Lord. I am just weak, with weak body and poor. And going insane.

God knows why I reacted like that. I hate myself for all the evil I am capable of. Satan is right, young females are no match for his suggestions. Look at how many girls I know who are falling in 'love' and having relationships with boys.

Look at me. I wanted to be good. All I am is broken. And retarded. And unoriginal in my pain and disillusion. This is what Blake and T.S. Eliot were on about. Romanticism? Fuck that. Is there a suicidal movement in literature?
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The parents

Your Type Four EnneaThought for January 13th— Reflect on your childhood today. As a child, did you believe you were not like your parents? Did you feel that you were not "seen" by your parents and that you did not connect sufficiently with your parents? As an adult, what does this have to do with you now? (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 182) As I've said myriad times before, these things just slap me in the face with a wet fish most days. I suppose it makes sense that I should send Reiki healing to my relationships with my father and my mother. Haven't really done that for ages. It's too hard sometimes, I choose to ignore and avoid dealing with them mainly because these are the two people I've been connected with since birth. A lot of effort is required in order to 'let things slide'. Living with my dad is hell, and I'm co-creating it on purpose, as part of my desire to annoy, to hurt him the way he hurts me. My mum, well, I guess we'...
Post a Comment
Read more

Je dois écrire

Je dois écrire . L'ironie est que quand j'avais le temps, je na'i pu pas fair rien . Doesn't matter, I have to write. I keep listening to poets like Keane and Travis and Darren Hayes and I'm here, with the creativity finally bursting forth again, and what's more, the joie de vivre bursting through and I'm not writing and I'm not taking pictures and I'm doing bloody cashier work at Oxfam. I am a swan, I am a seagull that glides and glides. I am the tree, the squirrel. Words are all I have to make myself different from you lot. To make myself lighter, somewhat more worthy. How low is my self esteem that I still believe those falsehoods. I just cannot find people on my wave length. It means I never shall. Or I do and because of my skin colour or because I am behind the Oxfam counter, or because I am in Morden, or London, or the UK, I shall never know. An opera singer. A person who wants to wear kurtis but is scared of going into a desi shop i...
Post a Comment
Read more

Judgement

Tarot Card Interpretation & Meaning - (20) Judgment Introduction: Judgment can be a card about jumping to conclusions, decisions and judgments. which are too hastily made. If you are prone to such things, this is a clear signal to slow down and give things more thought and to give people "more chances." This can be a real time of spiritual awakening.           General: In general, if you are the one tending to jump to conclusions, you can put a stop to it. If others are making these kinds of decisions about you or about someone you care for, there is really very little you can do, apart from realizing that it's their problem, not yours. Health: This is an important time to let go of the past and any wrongs that you perceive were done to you, particularly if you are dealing with chronic medical issues. Letting go of your need to be right will go a long way toward helping you to feel better. Besides, if ...
Post a Comment
Read more