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Back to black 2

I am so freaking depressed. And now I think it's just me making myself depressed. Removing myself from London has only shown me that I can't use my father's Bad Cop tactics as an excuse. The husband search is going nowhere and I am giving up. I ain't ever getting married anyway, so why pretend?

I have all this time to read and to write and I just can't be bothered. The weather's become nasty now, with extreme dryness and dust clouds everywhere. I don't feel like going out anywhere.

But I don't miss London, like I used to do when I came back from my holidays. I don't feel as though my birthright has been snatched away from me. London is nice and all, but what's the point if you can't enjoy it and exploit it for all it's worth? I only did things in the last week I was there. The best thing was Sheikh Arif. I am so glad I got to see him. Maybe I should listen to more of his lectures. He grounds me.

Anyway, Travis. I am majorly pissed off at you. You utter twat. How long are you going to make me wait. I've become freaking obsessed and almost all of my thoughts and journal entries have to do with you. I probably am not meant to get married.

I love the bed I sleep on though, and the pillows. I have had such wonderful sleep since coming here, at least. I still clench my jaw with unbelievable strength and anxiety, though.

I was looking through an old school magazine and came across Umair's picture when we went on a field trip somewhere to look at some gravesite. He was so TINY! I wonder how tall he is now. He's still short for an average guy of his age.

I'm going to watch some Monty Python. I'm so depressed.
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