Okay. I'm doing it today.
Based on a sudden thought that just came into my mind now.
I'm deleting all the emails, the photos, every chat session, every single last remnant, memory and attachment to Imran. I am erasing the entire Imran Lakha folder in my Yahoo Mail. Both his and my letters, including my last rude and angry one. Five entire months of my life.
I feel that is the only way forward. The only way to truly heal. O healer, heal thyself...
I no longer feel attached to him. No longer attached to every single word and photo and nuance and every single "Suki", term of endearment, joke, kindness, or angry word (mine). There's no searing pain, no voice screaming "No! You'll never get them back. Don't delete your old love letters!"
(I read in an article somewhere that you should keep a hold onto your old love letters, because they will remind you of the love you were able to give and receive and of the happy times. I highly doubt that this, as real as it seemed to me, counts as a true love affair. One-sided love never is. Anger, jealousy, rage, self defeating behaviour never truly is.)
But, before I do, I'm going to first centre myself, and calm myself down.
What does the inner wisdom tell me?
Remember to refrain from acting upon false impulses, Sukaina.
I've led so much of my life based on impulsivity and it's just not helped me. I've had major regrets in the past. I may have gotten over those regrets, but they were still there at the time. They caused much unnecessary suffering.
An example: when I completely destroyed the journal I kept when I was 13. So pivotal. So worth keeping.
Or the time I was too shy to ask my teacher and my principal to return me all my creative writing stories, paintings, drawings and other work when we were leaving Kampala. My mum was too distraught to even think about it. Lost a fantastic story about a witch. Among many other things.
~~~
OK, centring, centring...
~~~
The funny thing is that my tummy has started the slow burn for the past week or so. Low level: 3 and 4 again.
I've also been having vivid, disconcerting dreams. Back in Karachi. With family members I haven't spoken to in ages (both my khalas and my nani's side of the family. ) Yesterday, I had a dream that I finally had the nerve to call Sidra and she told me "Shouldn't you be thanking me?" (for not responding to my lame attempts at contacting her over the past week). Again, the indication that I'm meant to be on my own and rely on my own inner wisdom instead of leeching off.
Begging others to take away my power.
I know that. It will just take as long as it takes to be that self-reliant. To unlearn my unhealthy thought and behavioural patterns, which have been reinforced by my quite controlling, paranoid, and highly fearful family. We're as Catholic as it gets. Not the first time I've thought this. Well, they are. I'm defecting from Catholicism!
Damn, maybe I should print out and truly read Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay On Self-Reliance instead of shoving it down everyone else's throats. No shit.
229. I will busy myself with today's tasks that I have.
You have a plan in your head of things that you must or want to achieve. You must stick to it to complete it.
All you can place behind you will clear your path for the future. You will feel freer and lighter than you have for ages, just because you have unblocked your way.
Just for today, get going. Finish some of the things on your list.
~~~
Okay, so I've been delaying the clearing of clutter in the house. Will do it now...
Let's try again.
~~~
Okay. Second and third cards seem to say go for it.
48. I must learn that I have a voice too. I must not become a victim of the thoughtlessness of others.
The voice you have is yours. It is your unique mode of communication.
Freedom of speech is now the gift we enjoy as a product of the efforts of our ancestors. We live at a time that allows us to do and say whatever we want. No one can punish us for being our true selves (at least this is so in the West). No one can tell us how to think or behave. We are the very canvas of the pictures we wish to paint and in doing so move forward in the life that we live.
Yet sometimes we give all this freedom away. We allow others to call the tune to which we dance.We let them pull our strings and then resent them for doing it, when really it is we that allow this to happen, and probably have done so since a very early age. For many, this has become a normal pattern of existence.
Just for today, take your own power back. You are the only one to know how you feel and also what you need to be doing. Ask that your aura can be as small as it can be - and for anyone you interact with to be the same. You are valuable because you are unique. Your lifelong experiences have made you so. Your truth is as valuable as anyone's. Take the time to voice it.
49. I must do what I need to do, when I need to do it.
Life must ebb and flow. There are distinctly times to move forward and also times to stand and wait, but the trick is to recognize the difference.
Man has been locked in a train of thought that he is alone and must fight his way through life for all his needs, but this is not the truth. Each person is born with a designated guardian that stands at his left side through the whole of his life. Belief is not necessary - this is simply the truth.
Man is not alone. He is a part of a greater whole. This is the truth he does not yet know. Many unseen forces try to help and slot into place the things that man needs the most.
Just for today, try to go with the flow. Do what you trust at the time it must be done but leave room for the unexpected to slip in when necessary. It is at precisely these times your invisible help can be given.
~~~
I know my inner self put it in my consciousness today for a reason. All in the right time.
The right time is now. I'm doing it.
Delete.
There are no emails in your Imran Lakha folder.
Are you sure you want to permanently delete the empty folder "Imran Lakha"?
Click on OK.
Wow.
It's done and I feel absolutely nothing.
Honestly.
NOTHING.
Well, except for a sense that I did the right thing. Inner calm and peace. Sakeena.
Time 1:50pm, 29th January 2011.
~~~
I was looking at his photos again. So I've just deleted him from Facebook, as well.
Time: 7:30pm, 1st February 2011.
Based on a sudden thought that just came into my mind now.
I'm deleting all the emails, the photos, every chat session, every single last remnant, memory and attachment to Imran. I am erasing the entire Imran Lakha folder in my Yahoo Mail. Both his and my letters, including my last rude and angry one. Five entire months of my life.
I feel that is the only way forward. The only way to truly heal. O healer, heal thyself...
I no longer feel attached to him. No longer attached to every single word and photo and nuance and every single "Suki", term of endearment, joke, kindness, or angry word (mine). There's no searing pain, no voice screaming "No! You'll never get them back. Don't delete your old love letters!"
(I read in an article somewhere that you should keep a hold onto your old love letters, because they will remind you of the love you were able to give and receive and of the happy times. I highly doubt that this, as real as it seemed to me, counts as a true love affair. One-sided love never is. Anger, jealousy, rage, self defeating behaviour never truly is.)
But, before I do, I'm going to first centre myself, and calm myself down.
What does the inner wisdom tell me?
Remember to refrain from acting upon false impulses, Sukaina.
I've led so much of my life based on impulsivity and it's just not helped me. I've had major regrets in the past. I may have gotten over those regrets, but they were still there at the time. They caused much unnecessary suffering.
An example: when I completely destroyed the journal I kept when I was 13. So pivotal. So worth keeping.
Or the time I was too shy to ask my teacher and my principal to return me all my creative writing stories, paintings, drawings and other work when we were leaving Kampala. My mum was too distraught to even think about it. Lost a fantastic story about a witch. Among many other things.
~~~
OK, centring, centring...
~~~
The funny thing is that my tummy has started the slow burn for the past week or so. Low level: 3 and 4 again.
I've also been having vivid, disconcerting dreams. Back in Karachi. With family members I haven't spoken to in ages (both my khalas and my nani's side of the family. ) Yesterday, I had a dream that I finally had the nerve to call Sidra and she told me "Shouldn't you be thanking me?" (for not responding to my lame attempts at contacting her over the past week). Again, the indication that I'm meant to be on my own and rely on my own inner wisdom instead of leeching off.
Begging others to take away my power.
I know that. It will just take as long as it takes to be that self-reliant. To unlearn my unhealthy thought and behavioural patterns, which have been reinforced by my quite controlling, paranoid, and highly fearful family. We're as Catholic as it gets. Not the first time I've thought this. Well, they are. I'm defecting from Catholicism!
Damn, maybe I should print out and truly read Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay On Self-Reliance instead of shoving it down everyone else's throats. No shit.
229. I will busy myself with today's tasks that I have.
You have a plan in your head of things that you must or want to achieve. You must stick to it to complete it.
All you can place behind you will clear your path for the future. You will feel freer and lighter than you have for ages, just because you have unblocked your way.
Just for today, get going. Finish some of the things on your list.
~~~
Okay, so I've been delaying the clearing of clutter in the house. Will do it now...
Let's try again.
~~~
Okay. Second and third cards seem to say go for it.
48. I must learn that I have a voice too. I must not become a victim of the thoughtlessness of others.
The voice you have is yours. It is your unique mode of communication.
Freedom of speech is now the gift we enjoy as a product of the efforts of our ancestors. We live at a time that allows us to do and say whatever we want. No one can punish us for being our true selves (at least this is so in the West). No one can tell us how to think or behave. We are the very canvas of the pictures we wish to paint and in doing so move forward in the life that we live.
Yet sometimes we give all this freedom away. We allow others to call the tune to which we dance.We let them pull our strings and then resent them for doing it, when really it is we that allow this to happen, and probably have done so since a very early age. For many, this has become a normal pattern of existence.
Just for today, take your own power back. You are the only one to know how you feel and also what you need to be doing. Ask that your aura can be as small as it can be - and for anyone you interact with to be the same. You are valuable because you are unique. Your lifelong experiences have made you so. Your truth is as valuable as anyone's. Take the time to voice it.
49. I must do what I need to do, when I need to do it.
Life must ebb and flow. There are distinctly times to move forward and also times to stand and wait, but the trick is to recognize the difference.
Man has been locked in a train of thought that he is alone and must fight his way through life for all his needs, but this is not the truth. Each person is born with a designated guardian that stands at his left side through the whole of his life. Belief is not necessary - this is simply the truth.
Man is not alone. He is a part of a greater whole. This is the truth he does not yet know. Many unseen forces try to help and slot into place the things that man needs the most.
Just for today, try to go with the flow. Do what you trust at the time it must be done but leave room for the unexpected to slip in when necessary. It is at precisely these times your invisible help can be given.
~~~
I know my inner self put it in my consciousness today for a reason. All in the right time.
The right time is now. I'm doing it.
Delete.
There are no emails in your Imran Lakha folder.
Are you sure you want to permanently delete the empty folder "Imran Lakha"?
Click on OK.
Wow.
It's done and I feel absolutely nothing.
Honestly.
NOTHING.
Well, except for a sense that I did the right thing. Inner calm and peace. Sakeena.
Time 1:50pm, 29th January 2011.
~~~
I was looking at his photos again. So I've just deleted him from Facebook, as well.
Time: 7:30pm, 1st February 2011.
Comments
I know exactly how you feel. I went through what you're going through for almost five years, until last september (well September 09) I finally did it...I deleted every single email (sent and received) all of the msn conversations (even though they contained many wisdoms about life) and everything else I could think of.
It's scary you might forget that force that you felt with...the power of the emotions, especially the good ones, but for me, my mental sanity and my needing to move on, was just worth more than any any unfinished tragic love story.
It doesn't hurt anymore. Almost feels surreal, like it never happened.
Of course there are low moments, but getting rid of all the correspondance forced me not to indulge in the past and in the "what could have happened" ideals when I'm down.
Praying for your strength and sakina.
<3