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awake

Today is 15th Shaban. I have been the most ungrateful. Four years in heaven i.e. Toronto studying and i thought i was queen of everything. never go back to Pakistan. so i went to london. and i ended up back here. so now i am here and that's that. I'll have to get a job and I'll have to get married. otherwise what else s there to do in my life? all these years I've been tooting some opinions that were never based in reality. other people's thoughts in my head. such a dreamer. i have to work. i may even have to teach. or at least apply for teaching jobs. but how can i do that when i have anger issues and sad issues and all sorts. i removed two cats and am not feeding the other two. we can never predict and therefore cannot judge. stop judging the people in your life. stop it. they and you are spirit. if we are acting through ego, that is not who we are. be conscious.be transparent.

went to the graveyard. asked why are we born. I'll have to write articles or something. I'll have to do something. internship at dawn or what? what???

the unfairness of wealth. for two years I've been sheltered. m friends all are working so why am i so scared?and proud? what on earth did i expect to do with my life? honestly? i did buy into the dream of getting married.how can i when i can't even run a house. why have i done this and more importantly how do i now stop and go on to normality? being a dreamer sucks. a house full of books i shall never need or read. shipping them from Canada to London - why am i so illogical?

you live in karachi now. why are you so illogical? you don't live in London and will not live in London. oh Allah please let the medicines work and bless me with a short life. counselling didn't work for me so why go into something that you're not sure will work? the mind.

I'm still looking for a magical ending. there is none. pray to Allah and try to get a job.

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