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Another week, another Monday

I just managed to get to Oxfam and enjoy it today. I am to go Wednesday morning and Thursday afternoon. God knows how these moods work. Something that had occurred to me a few months ago is actually supported by research. People with INFP have a higher propensity for depression. Go figure. I knew that it would come up like that.

So apathetic I am. Nothing seems to matter to me much anymore. God knows why. I should be finding out what matters to me and going for it. Been listening to loads of good music, which has improved my moods a little.

So much talent in the world. Literature and music and drama and comedy and all of it. Such beauty and energy. And I am not a part of it. I can't create. All I can do is crib. When I walk, it's always eyes to the ground. I was shocked to see two blokes barely three feet away from me before I even noticed their presence.

Last week of mine was completely wasted. In front of the 'TV' watching sitcoms and North and South (not 'really' a waste of time. Oh Thornton....sigh!) I really truly do hope this week is better; in spite of the fact that my life is basically the same, I am unemployed and I keep reading stuff on the internet that just says that I am either doomed to this kind of empty, melancholic life or that I am in complete control of what happens INSPITE OF the bloody facts that this stupid personality thing has held me back for 23 years. I mean, last year I had an inclination that I was an INFP but I had no clue what it actually meant.

I tried so hard to fit in and I've thought that I am like this because I am English. What a fucking joke. I now know that the English are for the most part anything but this. And even fellow INFPs are getting on my nerves. So what next then my dear?

It's already November, do you even realise? This is the most time I have spent in inactivity. Of course, I can just label this as a breakdown, but it really doesn't help me much, does it? I have friends facing the mortality of their family members and I am not at all sympathetic.

I mean to return phone calls, but never do. I am a disappointment to myself. Do you know how much potential you have inside of you? You really are unique. That must mean something. It can't be flimsy people who are stuck with this personality type.

But I am sleepwalking. Through life, until I can find something to help me along. It's a good thing there are so many websites on INFPs and some of them actually know us for who we are. One of them made me cry. Because I feel so misunderstood, yet this fellow understood me EXACTLY.

Feeling slightly hopeful today. God knows why.
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