... when anyone says that, it means it's going badly. It's all messy and you've obviously "screwed up". So, you know what's been happening this weekend.
Well, little Suki is learning. I am trying to take this at a meta aware level. Looking at myself as one looks at children playing. Seeing the tantrums, the emotional ways I've acted.
I kidnapped 15 books from Farhat Apa - this weekend was one of those weird, flowing ones. I just hope I was able able to spread healing and Reiki around, even though I was sleep-deprived.
I finally called and spoke to him yesterday. He has such a gorgeous, typical, North London, Khoja voice. A really sexy voice... sigh, Sukaina, be-HAVE! ;)
He told me he avoids conflict, which is just great for me. He told me my emails were a little exasperating. I said "You can't just say that and not elaborate" He said they are 2 page emails and he just has to read and read and read. But I wasn't my usual charming self, I was being real: sleep-deprived, confused, very self-involved, pissed off, hurt and a tad defensive and so, after asking me "Sukaina, aren't you being emotional?" and my saying, "No, I'm not." what I assume is him avoiding conflict, he said, OK, "something something (can't remember) Khudahafiz" and hung up.
Ouch.
Constructive feedback: It's not going very well.
I've put myself up on such a pedestal, thinking I am the centre the way he is currently the centre of my world. What a load of bollocks. It's just a few easy lines and sentences to say. He doesn't know you the way you know yourself, Sukaina.
At least you're being much kinder to Imran than you were to Mairy.
Speaking of which, he (Umair) randomly emailed me yesterday. It was very touching in a way, I've sort of let go of some of my anger towards all the people I think have slighted me since Imran came onto the scene.
And this has shown me that I can leave someone to be, and they might come back. Or not. Whatever.
Sukaina, you are whole with or without them........... why does your mind get that, but not the hole in your heart (or now the tears that are welling up in your eyes)?
Although, I would like to emphasise, that contrary to popular belief, it is not his presence in my life that has allowed me to be this version of myself. I think I attracted him because of the new energy levels and positivity I am emanating. And now, being a random blinking light for someone for a split second (I have a strong feeling I have screwed it up and anyway, I love the idol of him in my mind, not who he is really), it has just boosted me up so much, I am flowing even more.
I'm now in a place whereby I'm not saying all men are shit, but rather I'm loving them more and more for their inner child that lies inside. This is a phenomenal and unreal development. Imran, Umair, Zuli, Abbas, Abbas.
My dad and uncle - not yet. I have too much history with them. And real hate for them. Can't help it.
But there is motion in emotion..... these states are not who I am and they will change. And are of no consequence at the end of it all.
I have been slowly moulding into this person since 4th April. I've been able to to start picking up each individual marble that I lost in the dirt, cleaning it off and gently and carefully slotting it back into place. Gradually flicking the switches on and connecting the circuitry.
I mean, on Monday, the 5th of April, what was the first thing I did? I wore my sneakers and went for 15 minute run.
You've really crawled up. Allah, please keep the evil away from me. The evil is the depression, the paranoia, the OCD, the.... complete and utter loss of myself as a person. That sounds nice, but it was the farthest thing from fana'a.
I must be able to touch upon it for when I'm healing and catalysing for myself and others, but please, let that be the lowest low for me, please. Please. I cannot afford to go back there.
People are not so understanding and kind. The people I know....
well, actually, not true.
My exercise at Stanmore this weekend was unbelievable. I met so many good, professional, generous and intelligent people, but with Soul..... Gulamabbas Lakha is no fraud. He is what I thought he was. He's currently writing a book about Shia Islam, spirituality and personal development. I'm sending Reiki that it turns out exactly the way it's meant to be. He told me about his sister who's working on mental health issues and females and Islam. I'd better email her today....
For an entire week, I've been suffering from nausea, diarrhea, insomnia and a general hyper activeness/irritability. According to the lovely Louise Hay:
Diarrhea: Fear and rejecting. Running off or away from something/someone.
Dizziness: Flighty, scattered thinking.
Headaches: Self-criticism. Not wanting to accept what is going on.
Indigestion: Dread or anxiety about a recent or coming event.
Insomnia: Fear, not trusting the process of life.
Left side of the body: The feminine side. Represents receptivity, taking in, women, mother, love.
Nausea: Fear, rejecting an idea or experience.
Nervousness: Fear, anxiety, always rushing.
Ho hum.
Music is my BBF, life partner, soul mate and lover ;) Oh, and Travis/Tristan as well :)
It's these bloody love songs by Darren Hayes, Travis, Keane, Daniel Bedingfield etc. that make me feel, well, whatever my neurobiological wavelengths decide to flicker as. The dopamine and cortisol etc.
I was right: my guy got run over by a red double-decker when he was 5 years old :p
Or maybe he is my 4 year old next-door neighbour, Kai :)
Today needs to be a day of serious studying... now headache, vertigo and nausea, go away!
Oh, yeah:
Until you can understand that nothing can happen to you, nothing can ever come to you or be kept from you, except in accord with your state of consciousness, you do not have the key to life.
- Paul Twitchell, The Flute of God, Eckankar
Well, little Suki is learning. I am trying to take this at a meta aware level. Looking at myself as one looks at children playing. Seeing the tantrums, the emotional ways I've acted.
I kidnapped 15 books from Farhat Apa - this weekend was one of those weird, flowing ones. I just hope I was able able to spread healing and Reiki around, even though I was sleep-deprived.
I finally called and spoke to him yesterday. He has such a gorgeous, typical, North London, Khoja voice. A really sexy voice... sigh, Sukaina, be-HAVE! ;)
He told me he avoids conflict, which is just great for me. He told me my emails were a little exasperating. I said "You can't just say that and not elaborate" He said they are 2 page emails and he just has to read and read and read. But I wasn't my usual charming self, I was being real: sleep-deprived, confused, very self-involved, pissed off, hurt and a tad defensive and so, after asking me "Sukaina, aren't you being emotional?" and my saying, "No, I'm not." what I assume is him avoiding conflict, he said, OK, "something something (can't remember) Khudahafiz" and hung up.
Ouch.Constructive feedback: It's not going very well.
I've put myself up on such a pedestal, thinking I am the centre the way he is currently the centre of my world. What a load of bollocks. It's just a few easy lines and sentences to say. He doesn't know you the way you know yourself, Sukaina.
At least you're being much kinder to Imran than you were to Mairy.
Speaking of which, he (Umair) randomly emailed me yesterday. It was very touching in a way, I've sort of let go of some of my anger towards all the people I think have slighted me since Imran came onto the scene.
And this has shown me that I can leave someone to be, and they might come back. Or not. Whatever.
Sukaina, you are whole with or without them........... why does your mind get that, but not the hole in your heart (or now the tears that are welling up in your eyes)?
Although, I would like to emphasise, that contrary to popular belief, it is not his presence in my life that has allowed me to be this version of myself. I think I attracted him because of the new energy levels and positivity I am emanating. And now, being a random blinking light for someone for a split second (I have a strong feeling I have screwed it up and anyway, I love the idol of him in my mind, not who he is really), it has just boosted me up so much, I am flowing even more.
I'm now in a place whereby I'm not saying all men are shit, but rather I'm loving them more and more for their inner child that lies inside. This is a phenomenal and unreal development. Imran, Umair, Zuli, Abbas, Abbas.
My dad and uncle - not yet. I have too much history with them. And real hate for them. Can't help it.
But there is motion in emotion..... these states are not who I am and they will change. And are of no consequence at the end of it all.
I have been slowly moulding into this person since 4th April. I've been able to to start picking up each individual marble that I lost in the dirt, cleaning it off and gently and carefully slotting it back into place. Gradually flicking the switches on and connecting the circuitry.
I mean, on Monday, the 5th of April, what was the first thing I did? I wore my sneakers and went for 15 minute run.
You've really crawled up. Allah, please keep the evil away from me. The evil is the depression, the paranoia, the OCD, the.... complete and utter loss of myself as a person. That sounds nice, but it was the farthest thing from fana'a.
I must be able to touch upon it for when I'm healing and catalysing for myself and others, but please, let that be the lowest low for me, please. Please. I cannot afford to go back there.
People are not so understanding and kind. The people I know....
well, actually, not true.
My exercise at Stanmore this weekend was unbelievable. I met so many good, professional, generous and intelligent people, but with Soul..... Gulamabbas Lakha is no fraud. He is what I thought he was. He's currently writing a book about Shia Islam, spirituality and personal development. I'm sending Reiki that it turns out exactly the way it's meant to be. He told me about his sister who's working on mental health issues and females and Islam. I'd better email her today....
For an entire week, I've been suffering from nausea, diarrhea, insomnia and a general hyper activeness/irritability. According to the lovely Louise Hay:
Diarrhea: Fear and rejecting. Running off or away from something/someone.
Dizziness: Flighty, scattered thinking.
Headaches: Self-criticism. Not wanting to accept what is going on.
Indigestion: Dread or anxiety about a recent or coming event.
Insomnia: Fear, not trusting the process of life.
Left side of the body: The feminine side. Represents receptivity, taking in, women, mother, love.
Nausea: Fear, rejecting an idea or experience.
Nervousness: Fear, anxiety, always rushing.
Ho hum.
Music is my BBF, life partner, soul mate and lover ;) Oh, and Travis/Tristan as well :)
It's these bloody love songs by Darren Hayes, Travis, Keane, Daniel Bedingfield etc. that make me feel, well, whatever my neurobiological wavelengths decide to flicker as. The dopamine and cortisol etc.
I was right: my guy got run over by a red double-decker when he was 5 years old :p
Or maybe he is my 4 year old next-door neighbour, Kai :)
Today needs to be a day of serious studying... now headache, vertigo and nausea, go away!
Oh, yeah:
Until you can understand that nothing can happen to you, nothing can ever come to you or be kept from you, except in accord with your state of consciousness, you do not have the key to life.
- Paul Twitchell, The Flute of God, Eckankar
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