Love is

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

Saw this on Facebook. Made me smile. Partly because it's so beautiful and chaste and pure and partly because it ignores all the rest of it. The dark side. I suppose that's why we're foolish enough to try again or to forget the pain.

This is the third time I am typing this particular post. Due to my keyboard without the double-u working, it has been deleted twice because I pressed the button next to control and it deleted it. As though the universe doesn't want me to type these things out.

I figured I am still in love with Imran.

Still.

That's why he was in my fantasies before Ramadhan, why I still think of him. And that's why he still hasn't found anyone else and is still looking on the website. I'm still too attached to him. He won't be able to move on as a free man if I've still got my girlish fantasies about him in my space. If I still am in love with him. Loving him is okay, he will always be the first boy I loved. He has been a blessing in a way no other person has. But... BEING IN LOVE with him is non conducive to both him and me.

Having said that, it will take as long as it takes.



I'm going to publish this in order to save it and then continue on how I know.

I was ironing this morning, and something he had written in the early days came to my mind - funny how even though I've deleted almost everything, the words remain in my energy.

I had asked him what he was looking for in a spouse.

He wrote back: friend, lover, companion (or something along those lines, not sure about the order). Someone who will travel all over the Earth in order to gain closeness to Allah.

I find that to be quite beautiful, if a bit pedantic.

Yesterday, after salaat, I decided to send myself and him healing to do with receiving love - the more we both allow ourselves to do that, the easier it shall be to attract the soul mate/life partner whos is the best possible for us.

I visualised him on a prayer mat next to me and did some affirmations and then POW it hit me hard - and I sobbed: I'm still in love with you Imran. I can't believe it, I can't understand it: I can't let you go, I'm still too attached. I'm still in love with you.

And I sobbed and I sobbed.

Utter disbelief.

Earlier that day, I had read something else he had written. I'd written it in my journal. when he was acting funny with me on Yahoo chat, I asked him: Are you angry with me? 

He said: 

I don't get angry, Sukaina.

At least not with you.

And they say words don't have great effect.

My entire body shivered as I read those words yesterday.

I am definitely not over him.

And I am tried and tired and I won't judge.

***

My SimplyShia profile was approved on Thursday. By 4pm, I got two emails from teh website informing me that three guys have sent "salaams" and one guy has already sent me a message. I need to sign in in order to read them. But I haven't signed in. 

Part of me wants to, the major part wants to let Ramadhan be sacred and for me - at least this year. To remain in etekhaf until Eid. Especially after my realisations about how I let a bloke become my God. I choose differently this time.

Last Ramadhan, he got mad at me because I was bugging him and he was hungry and fasting and hell busy at work. I got mad at him and blah blah because I was fasting. I sent him dua after dua. I even listened to the same lecture at Hujjat the same day he went to the mosque...

And then there's Eid. He sent me the cat photos. He texted me 5 or 6 times that day - and I replied to each of them. And acted silly.

I am not signing into my account. At least not until a week after Eid. My August and my Eid are sacred. For me alone. I don't want new memories clogging up my Ramadhan and Eid this year. Or even my September and October.


Qui sait ce qu'il va passer?

The guys will know I haven't signed in, they tell you the last time the account was active. No one gets hurt or offended. I remain in my space. If any of them are my future husband (I can't sense their energies yet, because the part of me that's still hurting from the last time's "betrayal" and being discarded and unacknowledged is scared and mistrustful of any new person.), he will be understanding and patient and will wait for me.



I might need my friends to hold me accountable to this pledge, knowing how desperate I am for something to ork in my life. 


Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results.


I am not in a good space right no and it looks like August and then November are going to be like this.


Nonetheless: as my life-coach says each time: Stop EFFING WAITING.

I need to release him.

If he's not for me, I have to fully release him. Allah, please help me. This is not fair.

I have yet to forgive him fully.

Jeez.

When someone leaves you, let them go and know that it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It just means that their part in the story of your life is over. Your story goes on. 
~ Karen Salmansohn

My dad is on the phone: telling his friend "No, I'll soon get a wife and send Sukaina back to Pakistan."

He has not changed, even after all the work I have done.

I am still his enemy. He hates me. He doesn't even eat the food I cook. He leaves his mess for me to clean up. And when I get tired and maintain my boundaries - "it's back to Pakistan for me" 

I see obstacles. They are all I see.   

where is the release, dear God.

I'm crying now. I don't want to pray my salaat. But I shall. Then go out somewhere. Dunno where. This is when a friend living close by would come in handy.

I feel like dying.

This, too, shall pass. I am safe, I am protected. I surrender all father-related issues to Allah. I give it all to You.

I need to get out of here first.