The last time I wrote that in my blog, it was late August 2010 and Imran messaged me on SimplyShia on the Monday :P
Am I hoping for an encore?
I wrote this a week or so later... http://skyejacques.blogspot.com/2010/09/hello-you.html It's quite cute, actually. I had to do a process to forgive my 26 year old self. Still have unforgiveness towards her.
*****
I feel like giving up all over again. Just skiving from work and living in a dream world.
Things like the Internal Revenue charging me 20% tax on a small amount of money I earned.
Things like Sidra's netbook crashing, the old PC downstairs dying, having to use the father's PC again and now having to spend money on a laptop instead of keeping it for my trip to Toronto.
And then laptops remind me of Imran "Why don't you woman up and meet the man behind the laptop?" He doesn't have money issues. I wasn't sure how much he earns, but Sidra said he earns a lot. Obviously: e-commerce and working for Cisco.
Let it go, Suki.
My tummy is burning again. How can I still miss...
Spoke to my mum again today and told her: look, I'm stuck. The websites are shite and someone told me to go speed dating and I don't know how to go about this....
Why oh why did I have to choose these parents? They are SO RIGIDLY TRADITIONAL!
I spoke to my dad to ask for help and to apologise for saying I'd go sleeping around. He said, what do you have against Khojas? As though I don't have a right to decide for myself.... and then he said, well I want a Khoja son-in-law and I stand there, gobsmacked.
Why do they think - I am their property? I have no desires, no desires that are actually okay to have???? That is it perfectly okay for me to wish to have the person I want, that I am okay the way I am?
Then when I try to say I am me, I need someone who will love me for who I am.. he goes... oh it must be something that happened when you went to Iran in 2007...this is why you are like this.... and I'm like... What? Are they really THAT IGNORANT?
Oh, Sukaina went to university in Toronto and that's why she's "like this".
Oh, Sukaina went to Iran in 2007 and that's why she's "like this".
Oh, Sukaina's mum hit her stomach while pregnant and "is that why you're like this?" (my mum)
Spoke to my mum today about finding someone, and she knows about the one-person sexual gratification ritual and she goes, well so and so doesn't ahve a great sex life, balh blah and I'm like.....
Why do they INSIST that lead teh same life of quiet desperation that they ahve been living.
Sidra had to do an entire process on me so I would not be the sixth generation to lead an unhappy life and I still attract this crap????
WHY?????????????????????
Why can they NOT wish for my HAPPINESS in AUTHNETICITY??????
They are MY PARENTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?????
(I am only using caps to emphaisse, I'm not spitting angry as I used to get, just really frustrated and can't breathe)
And then Sidra asks me with compassion and concern one day "why is there so much self-hate? Why do you hate yourself so much?"
But then she says, "the difference between me, Tazeen and the difference with you is that we have a story, but we are not our story..."
Tazeen....The stuff is still there. But at least we are communicating once again... even if I feel I'm being fake. Oh well, I'm a liar. Big deal. Was jsut in denial about it.
Love is all bollocks. Love doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, that you feel the need to change.
I am not one to be accommodated (Tazeen), or to be patient with or tolerated (Imran) or any such like.
I am me and once I regain who I truly am.... I cannot keep bending to the will of others. Malleable, Saima says. At least she's not one trying to make me into anything other than I am. And Ashiya is the other one.
I feel like my brain is imploding. I really need to drink more water instead of eating all this chocolate.
I have to start working again, don't want to face these people.
I have to go out again tomorrow to pay the meat guy money.. I forgot my wallet and he'd already cut the chicken. But he knows me so it was okay.
I left the house without hijab and nice hair because I wanted to do something to make me happy... then there was a middle aged white guy staring at me on the next street. Not sure why... maybe because I hugged my special tree?
And then something in me said, why are you pandering and showing your beauty to everyone? Stop it. So I took the scarf from my bag and the pins from the backpack and made my hijab there.
I prayed Zohr and Asr, not sure if I'll be praying Maghrib and Isha. Just feel sad all over again. And tired. Sleepy. I'd better just sleep.
Allah I beg you to save me from myself. Let me be able to pray all my salaat. Please.
Grant me a really good week... one with "flow" and "grace" and "ease" and let me attarct only loving people into my life.
I looked over the matchmaking form my father's niece emailed. It's really rubbish. I don't mind speaking to her or talking to her, but I am not filling out that crap form. Stuff like what qualities of your parents do you admire? And other stuff....
And then Saima doesn't help by saying oh it takes 8 months or so before you find someone....
Sarah: go speed dating
Allah, did Fatemah or Khadijah really go through all of this?
I give it all up to you now.... it's going to happen and the twin flame dude, who I have no clue about at all will get a big flick on the forehead for taking so long to be ready for commitment ... that goes for me as well... I need a mature man who will protect me, who will truly love me, who will "get me".... I am done iwth neglect and disdain.... I need someone who is emotionally open and aware and loves me perhaps more than Sidra and Tazeen combined.....
How is this life, never ending? And since I currently believe in reincarnation, it just goes on and on and on....
I'm going to sleep... it'll be good if I cry, but I'm so dehydrated...
Music is my saviour... except I can't listen to it since no PC... Snow Patrol, Evanescence, BSB...
Thank you Dad for at least allowing me to use your PC, and for contributing to the price of the new laptop.
My head really feels like it's about to implode. I keep having to remember to breathe. Literally. And this is after doing 20 minutes energy healing.
Sleep it is.
Random thought: Boy, Sidra was right. Imran was SO PARANOID. And then I absorbed his paranoia :P Argh.... not any more.
I am punishing myself through food. My stomach is in agony.
BREATHE Sukaina... breathe.... Allah loves you regardless. Allah will pull you through this. You will not always live liek this. You will leave our dad's hosue Inshallah. With dignity. Married. If not 2012.... you'll at least bei n a loving relationships wiht the diue in 2012 and marrie din 2012... inshallah
And Allah is the best of planners....
Allah, I BEG YOU.
HELP ME BY ALL GOOD MEANS, FOR MY HIGHEST GOOD.
I need to be a POPPED CORN, not this frustrated soul who will have to reincarnate again and again until I get it.
And I don't want to commit suicide. It's not worth it, I'll remain a lost soul and in a much worse place than I curerntly am in.
ALLAH HELP ME.
Am I hoping for an encore?
I wrote this a week or so later... http://skyejacques.blogspot.com/2010/09/hello-you.html It's quite cute, actually. I had to do a process to forgive my 26 year old self. Still have unforgiveness towards her.
*****
I feel like giving up all over again. Just skiving from work and living in a dream world.
Things like the Internal Revenue charging me 20% tax on a small amount of money I earned.
Things like Sidra's netbook crashing, the old PC downstairs dying, having to use the father's PC again and now having to spend money on a laptop instead of keeping it for my trip to Toronto.
And then laptops remind me of Imran "Why don't you woman up and meet the man behind the laptop?" He doesn't have money issues. I wasn't sure how much he earns, but Sidra said he earns a lot. Obviously: e-commerce and working for Cisco.
Let it go, Suki.
My tummy is burning again. How can I still miss...
Spoke to my mum again today and told her: look, I'm stuck. The websites are shite and someone told me to go speed dating and I don't know how to go about this....
Why oh why did I have to choose these parents? They are SO RIGIDLY TRADITIONAL!
I spoke to my dad to ask for help and to apologise for saying I'd go sleeping around. He said, what do you have against Khojas? As though I don't have a right to decide for myself.... and then he said, well I want a Khoja son-in-law and I stand there, gobsmacked.
Why do they think - I am their property? I have no desires, no desires that are actually okay to have???? That is it perfectly okay for me to wish to have the person I want, that I am okay the way I am?
Then when I try to say I am me, I need someone who will love me for who I am.. he goes... oh it must be something that happened when you went to Iran in 2007...this is why you are like this.... and I'm like... What? Are they really THAT IGNORANT?
Oh, Sukaina went to university in Toronto and that's why she's "like this".
Oh, Sukaina went to Iran in 2007 and that's why she's "like this".
Oh, Sukaina's mum hit her stomach while pregnant and "is that why you're like this?" (my mum)
Spoke to my mum today about finding someone, and she knows about the one-person sexual gratification ritual and she goes, well so and so doesn't ahve a great sex life, balh blah and I'm like.....
Why do they INSIST that lead teh same life of quiet desperation that they ahve been living.
Sidra had to do an entire process on me so I would not be the sixth generation to lead an unhappy life and I still attract this crap????
WHY?????????????????????
Why can they NOT wish for my HAPPINESS in AUTHNETICITY??????
They are MY PARENTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?????
(I am only using caps to emphaisse, I'm not spitting angry as I used to get, just really frustrated and can't breathe)
And then Sidra asks me with compassion and concern one day "why is there so much self-hate? Why do you hate yourself so much?"
But then she says, "the difference between me, Tazeen and the difference with you is that we have a story, but we are not our story..."
Tazeen....The stuff is still there. But at least we are communicating once again... even if I feel I'm being fake. Oh well, I'm a liar. Big deal. Was jsut in denial about it.
Love is all bollocks. Love doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, that you feel the need to change.
I am not one to be accommodated (Tazeen), or to be patient with or tolerated (Imran) or any such like.
I am me and once I regain who I truly am.... I cannot keep bending to the will of others. Malleable, Saima says. At least she's not one trying to make me into anything other than I am. And Ashiya is the other one.
I feel like my brain is imploding. I really need to drink more water instead of eating all this chocolate.
I have to start working again, don't want to face these people.
I have to go out again tomorrow to pay the meat guy money.. I forgot my wallet and he'd already cut the chicken. But he knows me so it was okay.
I left the house without hijab and nice hair because I wanted to do something to make me happy... then there was a middle aged white guy staring at me on the next street. Not sure why... maybe because I hugged my special tree?
And then something in me said, why are you pandering and showing your beauty to everyone? Stop it. So I took the scarf from my bag and the pins from the backpack and made my hijab there.
I prayed Zohr and Asr, not sure if I'll be praying Maghrib and Isha. Just feel sad all over again. And tired. Sleepy. I'd better just sleep.
Allah I beg you to save me from myself. Let me be able to pray all my salaat. Please.
Grant me a really good week... one with "flow" and "grace" and "ease" and let me attarct only loving people into my life.
I looked over the matchmaking form my father's niece emailed. It's really rubbish. I don't mind speaking to her or talking to her, but I am not filling out that crap form. Stuff like what qualities of your parents do you admire? And other stuff....
And then Saima doesn't help by saying oh it takes 8 months or so before you find someone....
Sarah: go speed dating
Allah, did Fatemah or Khadijah really go through all of this?
I give it all up to you now.... it's going to happen and the twin flame dude, who I have no clue about at all will get a big flick on the forehead for taking so long to be ready for commitment ... that goes for me as well... I need a mature man who will protect me, who will truly love me, who will "get me".... I am done iwth neglect and disdain.... I need someone who is emotionally open and aware and loves me perhaps more than Sidra and Tazeen combined.....
How is this life, never ending? And since I currently believe in reincarnation, it just goes on and on and on....
I'm going to sleep... it'll be good if I cry, but I'm so dehydrated...
Music is my saviour... except I can't listen to it since no PC... Snow Patrol, Evanescence, BSB...
Thank you Dad for at least allowing me to use your PC, and for contributing to the price of the new laptop.
My head really feels like it's about to implode. I keep having to remember to breathe. Literally. And this is after doing 20 minutes energy healing.
Sleep it is.
Random thought: Boy, Sidra was right. Imran was SO PARANOID. And then I absorbed his paranoia :P Argh.... not any more.
I am punishing myself through food. My stomach is in agony.
BREATHE Sukaina... breathe.... Allah loves you regardless. Allah will pull you through this. You will not always live liek this. You will leave our dad's hosue Inshallah. With dignity. Married. If not 2012.... you'll at least bei n a loving relationships wiht the diue in 2012 and marrie din 2012... inshallah
And Allah is the best of planners....
Allah, I BEG YOU.
HELP ME BY ALL GOOD MEANS, FOR MY HIGHEST GOOD.
I need to be a POPPED CORN, not this frustrated soul who will have to reincarnate again and again until I get it.
And I don't want to commit suicide. It's not worth it, I'll remain a lost soul and in a much worse place than I curerntly am in.
ALLAH HELP ME.
Comments