Argh. I've been one of them, I still am - because obviously my family pushes all those trigger points.
I always find my father extremely threatening, my aunt extremely intrusive and self centred and the list goes on but the funny and extremely scary thing is how little they self reflect. They just do not SEE what I see of their blindness. Now of course Jung would say that they are in me and yes, obviously, I have done the same kind of things and thought in the same manner as they have - BUT I am awakening and although still p'd off that's it's taken this long and so many chunks of my life to get here, I am slowly progressing.
Some of the people I meet are out of mere circonstance rather than happenstance. They are guarded and so emotionally stunted and, again, so much more selfish that it really p's me off. Highly. I know that very few people have the levels of empathy I do, and can sustain it in a genuine manner rather than out of duty or out of guilt or the selfish "what if this happened to me?"
Close family, extended family (they really do suck - I don't understand why I 'chose' them) and general acquaintances and certain 'friends' and all I wonder is why? Why the fuck do I keep having to waste my energy resources in dealing with and thinking about these shitty people?
Why?
Haven't come up with an answer yet.
All the more open and accepting and self aware and adult people are inaccessible and would possibly judge me on the basis of the outward cartilage, bone, accent, clothing and gender rather than who I am trying to be at this time. I am sure those people do exist, and I do meet certain, really kind people (though they may not stimulate me intellectually) at least I am now beginning to come into contact with them more often than the twats.
I'm not sure how to cut off certain dead wood, though. C'est vraiment dificile, to coincide letting go of the past and useless with the principle of a compassionate mind frame. Maybe I shall just be compassionate to myself about my sterling decision to cut off the dead wood. It doesn't serve me at all, it makes me flounder in the negative emotions of envy, hatred and pure fury.
I try to drop the leaves, but other people insist on covering me up again. And again. And again. And it's so easy to take on those roles again and again, out of habit and convenience. Try being genuinely genuine and Divine for even 6 hours is hard work. Unless you're on a retreat, and that's not too likely either!
I dislike the roles of fumbling idiot, rude person, over-friendly customer services, needy and clingy, but I manage to do them all. The loneliness one is one I hope I can rid myself of: I never want to ever be as lonely as my aunt to call someone like M because of the loneliness. I know I have done it a lot of times in the past and it seems that I shall do it in the future. But I can still pray to God to allow me to never get that low again. It's so fucking demeaning.
A side note: I can't muster up the compassion needed to not judge my aunt for refusing to phone me and calling M instead. No skin of my nose when I don't know about these things. It's her choice. She chooses to be a martyr, she obviously is still getting something out of it: otherwise that behaviour would slowly die away.
Fucking hell. Bugger. Connasse. I need to learn more French swear words.
Is this why I don't want to create a family of my own? I see the selfishness that others have towards their 'kith and kin' and it absolutely revolts me. I know it's because I never got it from my own family and it's reaction formation and all that.
In spite of that, I still find it immensely selfish. If I'm investing time in my own spawn, I lose time for myself firstly and for anyone else I decide I would like to be with. Even keeping a cat isn't worthwhile for me at the moment.
The Yin (dark) side to this is of course, nobody will ever do that for me. Oh well. Bugger.
And yet, I still wish I had the power to truly save those whom I feel deserve to be free from suffering. Maybe the fact that I can't do all that, I can barely keep afloat myself is what's so découragant......
JESUS. Flipping HECK! Grr. Grr. Grr. Grr.
And, now. Release.
I always find my father extremely threatening, my aunt extremely intrusive and self centred and the list goes on but the funny and extremely scary thing is how little they self reflect. They just do not SEE what I see of their blindness. Now of course Jung would say that they are in me and yes, obviously, I have done the same kind of things and thought in the same manner as they have - BUT I am awakening and although still p'd off that's it's taken this long and so many chunks of my life to get here, I am slowly progressing.
Some of the people I meet are out of mere circonstance rather than happenstance. They are guarded and so emotionally stunted and, again, so much more selfish that it really p's me off. Highly. I know that very few people have the levels of empathy I do, and can sustain it in a genuine manner rather than out of duty or out of guilt or the selfish "what if this happened to me?"
Close family, extended family (they really do suck - I don't understand why I 'chose' them) and general acquaintances and certain 'friends' and all I wonder is why? Why the fuck do I keep having to waste my energy resources in dealing with and thinking about these shitty people?
Why?
Haven't come up with an answer yet.
All the more open and accepting and self aware and adult people are inaccessible and would possibly judge me on the basis of the outward cartilage, bone, accent, clothing and gender rather than who I am trying to be at this time. I am sure those people do exist, and I do meet certain, really kind people (though they may not stimulate me intellectually) at least I am now beginning to come into contact with them more often than the twats.
I'm not sure how to cut off certain dead wood, though. C'est vraiment dificile, to coincide letting go of the past and useless with the principle of a compassionate mind frame. Maybe I shall just be compassionate to myself about my sterling decision to cut off the dead wood. It doesn't serve me at all, it makes me flounder in the negative emotions of envy, hatred and pure fury.
I try to drop the leaves, but other people insist on covering me up again. And again. And again. And it's so easy to take on those roles again and again, out of habit and convenience. Try being genuinely genuine and Divine for even 6 hours is hard work. Unless you're on a retreat, and that's not too likely either!
I dislike the roles of fumbling idiot, rude person, over-friendly customer services, needy and clingy, but I manage to do them all. The loneliness one is one I hope I can rid myself of: I never want to ever be as lonely as my aunt to call someone like M because of the loneliness. I know I have done it a lot of times in the past and it seems that I shall do it in the future. But I can still pray to God to allow me to never get that low again. It's so fucking demeaning.
A side note: I can't muster up the compassion needed to not judge my aunt for refusing to phone me and calling M instead. No skin of my nose when I don't know about these things. It's her choice. She chooses to be a martyr, she obviously is still getting something out of it: otherwise that behaviour would slowly die away.
Fucking hell. Bugger. Connasse. I need to learn more French swear words.
Is this why I don't want to create a family of my own? I see the selfishness that others have towards their 'kith and kin' and it absolutely revolts me. I know it's because I never got it from my own family and it's reaction formation and all that.
In spite of that, I still find it immensely selfish. If I'm investing time in my own spawn, I lose time for myself firstly and for anyone else I decide I would like to be with. Even keeping a cat isn't worthwhile for me at the moment.
The Yin (dark) side to this is of course, nobody will ever do that for me. Oh well. Bugger.
And yet, I still wish I had the power to truly save those whom I feel deserve to be free from suffering. Maybe the fact that I can't do all that, I can barely keep afloat myself is what's so découragant......
JESUS. Flipping HECK! Grr. Grr. Grr. Grr.
And, now. Release.
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