I really wish I wasn't thinking on this spiel.
I've been thinking about how I am so old and how my life is wasting away. Not sure where I read this, oh yeah, it was in an encyclopaedia that a customer bought today from Oxfam.
Is your life how you wanted to be?
The answer is no. But then, when has it been?
I am in a way better place than a year ago. I'm in London, I'm working (granted it's Oxfam and unpaid) but I get to help the third world. Oh, that's a cop out.
It's been 5 months but I'm no longer a shell of a person. My ego is back. My voice is back. My backbone is back. I'm reading again. And it's so effortless. It's... wordless. Sally Brampton has taken all the words from me and made her book- what the heck do I have left? The book should be on the prescription list -well, I dunno. Not for those who are really depressed.
I've been feeling so dissatisfied about working there. I need to find work that leads towards what I am meant to do. Which is counselling.
So how am I to get there? And earn money as well? You have to think now, Sukaina. You're well now. I can say that and not give a damn for the consequences of proclaiming it.
I'm frigging 26 years old, 26 and-a-half actually.
I have also been thinking about how I've been alone for 5 years.
Without the spouse/soul mate/life partner (apparently they are all different concepts). And there's really no sign of me getting closer to him (if there's such a thing) in the near future.
I'm so old. And I still don't love myself unconditionally. But that's not the point. I don't meet those type of guys, the ones with whom I could have a conversation with. With whom I could have a connection with.
Someone who I could marry.
All I meet are white chavs, or married whites, or married reverts, or sweet old married men or chavs. Or Pakistanis.
How am I going to get any experience in order to get into counselling?
And what about a job or training for a job so that I can get into training?
Argh. Argh.
And what was that thing on the Bank Holiday this 30th August. There was something really important. I really do hope I remember and go to it if it was that important. And it's not the Notting Hill Carnival.
Was it a spirit fair? What was it... jeez.... I must remember.
And I keep attracting heartless people as friends. Or acquaintances. The ones who are intelligent are heartless and emotionally stunted, the ones who are kind and gentle have limited thinking patterns, the ones who are Muslim are just.... jeez.
And I attract all of this. I'm hanging out in the wrong places; I know the wrong people.
I have friends who are just dead wood and I can't seem to shake off. They seem to think they are my friend, but this quarterly email business is bullshit.
You can't honestly think of someone as a GOOD friend if you are okay with never phoning them up, expecting them to call you... why? Because the phone bills are cheap or free. What a fucking excuse.
If I was to look at it this way, I really don't have any friends who would love me. Enough. Ha. My "enough" is way too much for most of the population.
I am getting nothing out of them and they aren't getting anything out of me because I don't feel anything for them. Now, of course, it could be the depression or dysthymia or whatever it is I feel. After all, I no longer want to keep pets. Even though I love animals. I can't afford it and don't think I'd ever feel I'd be able to afford it, even if I had a paying job.
And yesterday I somewhat brought up and then got dragged into this entirely intellectually (head-based) argument and felt so empty afterwards. I WANT to relate from my heart now. I have missed out on my life since age 6.
I've been the waking dead since that age and not knowing it, never knowing any different.
Although one of my therapists gave me hope by telling me that what that was, wasn't me, it was the depression, but that's the only me or versions of me I knew. From age 5-6 till 26.
Been searching for love from people who obviously don't love themselves enough or would even see me as worthy of extending beyond their comfort zones. And I see no one I think I'd do that spontaneously for. I used to do it for Hina. I used to do it for Sarah, and just barely, for Ashiya. But they don't want it.
Why do I keep doing this? Knowing users and just putting up with them because that's all that's available in the gene pool?
I really dislike having to need this connection. Sometimes I feel it's OK, that I can live without it.
But now as I write this, I don't. I want nurturing, the part of it I can't get from my parents. I don't even have a bloke. (I'm sounding as if it was ever a possibility. Ha. I've only now started to get male attention, but it's been all covert and like a random blinking light).
As if he would give me nurturing, even if I had one. Fucked-up twats.
I mean, Paul Gilbert has written an amazing book called The Compassionate Mind. And I was sinking in and then suddenly find he's a fundo atheist.
I just have to keep practicing nurturing myself. That's all I have right now.
FUCK.
I need to start hanging out in universities, in places like Naropa. There must be a place like that here. It's London, for crying out loud. I need to find kind people, compassionate people, who are willing to have someone in their life and make them feel important and worthwhile.
I mean, it's sad, but it's a fact that I do need friends. And most of the ones I used to have or had or thought I had are no more because well, it was convenience more so than anything else.
Time to delete a few from FB, methinks.
Some aren't even worthwhile keeping as contacts. If they weren't there for me when they were my 'friend' there's no way they'd be there for me otherwise. Gratitude is one thing; servitude completely different.
I just hit upon something: I need to feel needed. Maybe it makes me feel like I am being loved. Or in control, or somewhat proficient in something.
The question is: am I pulling my own strings? Am I doing things from my own power or giving my power to someone else????
The good news is that I've become less neurotic and more open to new experiences. I laugh at myself a whole lot more; I talk to people and smile and make eye contact a lot more; even to the most gorgeous-looking men (oops, they're all boys at the end of the day) :-) I haven't yet gotten into flirting, it's not that I don't want to, but mostly I don't know how to and there's no result at the end of a day and I would feel like an emotional hooker...
I sometimes feel as though there IS this energy emanating from my eyes, something like an unconditional love. It's obviously not unconditional, but something very positive and love-like is coming out from those. It's the Reiki, duh.
Thank you God for opening my eyes and heart a little more.... please, oh please open them even further. I want to feel and then do and then be.
After ages................. c'est une miracle. And only a fellow depressive or bipolar depressive will have an inkling.
Je me souviens - toujours.
I've been thinking about how I am so old and how my life is wasting away. Not sure where I read this, oh yeah, it was in an encyclopaedia that a customer bought today from Oxfam.
Is your life how you wanted to be?
The answer is no. But then, when has it been?
I am in a way better place than a year ago. I'm in London, I'm working (granted it's Oxfam and unpaid) but I get to help the third world. Oh, that's a cop out.
It's been 5 months but I'm no longer a shell of a person. My ego is back. My voice is back. My backbone is back. I'm reading again. And it's so effortless. It's... wordless. Sally Brampton has taken all the words from me and made her book- what the heck do I have left? The book should be on the prescription list -well, I dunno. Not for those who are really depressed.
I've been feeling so dissatisfied about working there. I need to find work that leads towards what I am meant to do. Which is counselling.
So how am I to get there? And earn money as well? You have to think now, Sukaina. You're well now. I can say that and not give a damn for the consequences of proclaiming it.
I'm frigging 26 years old, 26 and-a-half actually.
I have also been thinking about how I've been alone for 5 years.
Without the spouse/soul mate/life partner (apparently they are all different concepts). And there's really no sign of me getting closer to him (if there's such a thing) in the near future.
I'm so old. And I still don't love myself unconditionally. But that's not the point. I don't meet those type of guys, the ones with whom I could have a conversation with. With whom I could have a connection with.
Someone who I could marry.
All I meet are white chavs, or married whites, or married reverts, or sweet old married men or chavs. Or Pakistanis.
How am I going to get any experience in order to get into counselling?
And what about a job or training for a job so that I can get into training?
Argh. Argh.
And what was that thing on the Bank Holiday this 30th August. There was something really important. I really do hope I remember and go to it if it was that important. And it's not the Notting Hill Carnival.
Was it a spirit fair? What was it... jeez.... I must remember.
And I keep attracting heartless people as friends. Or acquaintances. The ones who are intelligent are heartless and emotionally stunted, the ones who are kind and gentle have limited thinking patterns, the ones who are Muslim are just.... jeez.
And I attract all of this. I'm hanging out in the wrong places; I know the wrong people.
I have friends who are just dead wood and I can't seem to shake off. They seem to think they are my friend, but this quarterly email business is bullshit.
You can't honestly think of someone as a GOOD friend if you are okay with never phoning them up, expecting them to call you... why? Because the phone bills are cheap or free. What a fucking excuse.
If I was to look at it this way, I really don't have any friends who would love me. Enough. Ha. My "enough" is way too much for most of the population.
I am getting nothing out of them and they aren't getting anything out of me because I don't feel anything for them. Now, of course, it could be the depression or dysthymia or whatever it is I feel. After all, I no longer want to keep pets. Even though I love animals. I can't afford it and don't think I'd ever feel I'd be able to afford it, even if I had a paying job.
And yesterday I somewhat brought up and then got dragged into this entirely intellectually (head-based) argument and felt so empty afterwards. I WANT to relate from my heart now. I have missed out on my life since age 6.
I've been the waking dead since that age and not knowing it, never knowing any different.
Although one of my therapists gave me hope by telling me that what that was, wasn't me, it was the depression, but that's the only me or versions of me I knew. From age 5-6 till 26.
Been searching for love from people who obviously don't love themselves enough or would even see me as worthy of extending beyond their comfort zones. And I see no one I think I'd do that spontaneously for. I used to do it for Hina. I used to do it for Sarah, and just barely, for Ashiya. But they don't want it.
Why do I keep doing this? Knowing users and just putting up with them because that's all that's available in the gene pool?
I really dislike having to need this connection. Sometimes I feel it's OK, that I can live without it.
But now as I write this, I don't. I want nurturing, the part of it I can't get from my parents. I don't even have a bloke. (I'm sounding as if it was ever a possibility. Ha. I've only now started to get male attention, but it's been all covert and like a random blinking light).
As if he would give me nurturing, even if I had one. Fucked-up twats.
I mean, Paul Gilbert has written an amazing book called The Compassionate Mind. And I was sinking in and then suddenly find he's a fundo atheist.
I just have to keep practicing nurturing myself. That's all I have right now.
FUCK.
I need to start hanging out in universities, in places like Naropa. There must be a place like that here. It's London, for crying out loud. I need to find kind people, compassionate people, who are willing to have someone in their life and make them feel important and worthwhile.
I mean, it's sad, but it's a fact that I do need friends. And most of the ones I used to have or had or thought I had are no more because well, it was convenience more so than anything else.
Time to delete a few from FB, methinks.
Some aren't even worthwhile keeping as contacts. If they weren't there for me when they were my 'friend' there's no way they'd be there for me otherwise. Gratitude is one thing; servitude completely different.
I just hit upon something: I need to feel needed. Maybe it makes me feel like I am being loved. Or in control, or somewhat proficient in something.
The question is: am I pulling my own strings? Am I doing things from my own power or giving my power to someone else????
The good news is that I've become less neurotic and more open to new experiences. I laugh at myself a whole lot more; I talk to people and smile and make eye contact a lot more; even to the most gorgeous-looking men (oops, they're all boys at the end of the day) :-) I haven't yet gotten into flirting, it's not that I don't want to, but mostly I don't know how to and there's no result at the end of a day and I would feel like an emotional hooker...
I sometimes feel as though there IS this energy emanating from my eyes, something like an unconditional love. It's obviously not unconditional, but something very positive and love-like is coming out from those. It's the Reiki, duh.
Thank you God for opening my eyes and heart a little more.... please, oh please open them even further. I want to feel and then do and then be.
After ages................. c'est une miracle. And only a fellow depressive or bipolar depressive will have an inkling.
Je me souviens - toujours.
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