Last week, during a life-coaching session, I was judging myself for wanting a spouse, a lover - after everything. After knowing that I don't need anyone, but that I want a husband. After knowing that I need to sort my life out.
And I was told that of course I want someone and that it's completely natural and okay to want someone to hold me, to touch me, to love me... so if I accept and acknowledge it, it becomes easier to live with and just take as normal and not as some sort of "sin" or betrayal of self.
She also asked me if I was any matriomonial website, and I said vehemently, "NO! I deleted everything after that guy!" (I couldn't bring myself to say his name then).
"which guy?"
"Imran. Sorry, I don't like saying his name sometimes."
"why?"
"Because it makes it more personal, as though there's still something there. when he is in my past and I am getting over it."
That was last week.
And yesterday...
I randomly created my new profile yesterday morning while waiting for someone on Skype. It felt okay. No biggie. No fake heart attacks. Has no power on me. I hope. It can always be deleted. I'm getting good at doing that ;)
I of course checked if he was still registered. He is. Last sign in was 12th August. My ego had a good few minutes of "YES! He's still single! HA! Take that SUCKER! I'm not a loser-face. And he is finding it as difficult to find someone who fits his needs as I am... at least I'm not a loser-face..."
9:15am: Sorry - correction - my ego just had to check before I signed out - last check in, yesterday. There is a slight reaction of "oh my gosh" and well, whatever else it is... I know I'm still stuck on some aspect of this thing... release, release... Oh well, at least I know he's still alive and happy enough to be looking for girls :)
Last active : 14 Hours ago
(I'm not going to sign into the account unless I get a message from someone. Honour, dignity, self-love and self-respect. Embody it, dear one, embody it).
Thankfully, my ego is tired and bent.
I then went into.. well, no skin of my nose... and then I realised that if I am still holding onto him, it's going to be difficult for him to find someone (perhaps, who know these things anymore?).
And then, today, I'm once again praying he finds his Eve.
Because, at the end of it all, he IS a good lad. A very good lad indeed.
My first man-boy and my first mitthu (argh... :p)
A few words about me
I'm a girl-woman who's nuts enough to try this route again. As they say about second marriages, it is the triumph of hope over experience!
I shall add more later when I'm 100% sure about this.
I know I want to choose the most compatible life partner for myself. Trust me, I know it in my bones.
However, I am extremely shy and do not hang out with males in general. Meeting random individuals for this specific purpose makes my blood run cold. I freak out. It's Social Engineering 101: uncool, exhausting and sometimes VERY painful.
This is why I'm not 100% sure about putting myself on here again as a cow for the market: you may think I'm messing about and playing games while I take time to bring up the courage to take the first step.
I am not.
I just need someone with more patience, compassion, understanding and awareness than perhaps one could reasonably expect from the average person :)
(Note to blog peeps: I had, of course, put man-boy first, and today I changed it to person. I am defeated. I have learned my lesson. My ego needs no more feeding. Anyway, man-boy (alongwith Umair's man-beast) sounds a lot more sexier in person, as foreplay and as during play and as after-play - MUHAHAHAHA!)
Interestingly, I still interpret the commitment and responsibility that a marriage entails as a challenge to my personal independence and freedom. Working on that at the mo :D
I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
~ George B. Shaw
Your task is to not seek for love, but seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~ Rumi
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ C. G. Jung
All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.
~ J. R. R. Tolkein
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says: I will try again tomorrow.
~ Mary Roadmacher
The beginning of love is to let those we love just be themselves and not twist them with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
~Anon
And I was told that of course I want someone and that it's completely natural and okay to want someone to hold me, to touch me, to love me... so if I accept and acknowledge it, it becomes easier to live with and just take as normal and not as some sort of "sin" or betrayal of self.
She also asked me if I was any matriomonial website, and I said vehemently, "NO! I deleted everything after that guy!" (I couldn't bring myself to say his name then).
"which guy?"
"Imran. Sorry, I don't like saying his name sometimes."
"why?"
"Because it makes it more personal, as though there's still something there. when he is in my past and I am getting over it."
That was last week.
And yesterday...
I randomly created my new profile yesterday morning while waiting for someone on Skype. It felt okay. No biggie. No fake heart attacks. Has no power on me. I hope. It can always be deleted. I'm getting good at doing that ;)
I of course checked if he was still registered. He is. Last sign in was 12th August. My ego had a good few minutes of "YES! He's still single! HA! Take that SUCKER! I'm not a loser-face. And he is finding it as difficult to find someone who fits his needs as I am... at least I'm not a loser-face..."
9:15am: Sorry - correction - my ego just had to check before I signed out - last check in, yesterday. There is a slight reaction of "oh my gosh" and well, whatever else it is... I know I'm still stuck on some aspect of this thing... release, release... Oh well, at least I know he's still alive and happy enough to be looking for girls :)
My friends would describe me as
Easygoing, Enthusiastic, Intelligent, Reflective, Spontaneous
hmmm.....
just ask me...
(I'm not going to sign into the account unless I get a message from someone. Honour, dignity, self-love and self-respect. Embody it, dear one, embody it).
Thankfully, my ego is tired and bent.
I then went into.. well, no skin of my nose... and then I realised that if I am still holding onto him, it's going to be difficult for him to find someone (perhaps, who know these things anymore?).
And then, today, I'm once again praying he finds his Eve.
Because, at the end of it all, he IS a good lad. A very good lad indeed.
My first man-boy and my first mitthu (argh... :p)
As he said to me: Sukaina, don't get so emotional. If we're not compatible, we're not compatible. There's no need to rush into things or force things to happen.
At the time, because I was madly in love with him (or his potential and his spirit), those practical, succinct and blasé words felt like little shards of glass driven through my heart. I actually lost my breath for a few seconds, my heart started to pain again and I had to stop myself from snapping at him to grow up or wake up or stop being such a dumbass. I also had to stop my voice from cracking on the phone. I ended up not being able to respond to him - so he took his chance and carried on yammering away :)
But today, those very same words... are such a comfort to me.
Because I see what he saw. They make sense.
It's not about who is not good enough or too emotional or more heartless or more rude or less communicative.
Simple truth, we were not compatible. Forget soulmates and falling in love and that "man-done-me-wrong" and "but... I loved him "and all the rest of it.
we were not compatible.
I still like him and whatever that other emotion is - but that's only because I'm no longer in contact with him. Talk about long-distance relationships :D Hahaha!
I am almost completely healed. And it truly feels great. I feel gratitude, God, feel me feeling it please!
There's an angel card that I get frequently that says just that. Next time it pops up, I'll paste it here.
(21 August, 20 Ramadhan, Sunday - here you are!
"Even a heart that was previously broken is now whole..." - doesn't explain the pain in my tummy I had this morning when I thought of him being in love with that other girl-woman, now does it?! ;-) )
In this past week, my heart has actually feels like it's being sewn back together; the fibres have changed in their DNA sturcture and are now finally able to weave themselves into a bigger, more loving and open heart. One that doesn't take it too seriously, yet is entirely sincere. (One hopes.)
Not just with respect to him, but it's also increasing my ability to love myself and my family and the entirety of humankind... at least, I'd like to believe it is so!
The heart is the heart; 'tis deceitful above all things... and yet, it is also the seat of the soul.
Intellect comes from the mind, but wisdom comes from the heart.
I shall be completely healed when he no longer registers on my radar. when he is truly in the past, and therefore there is no need to quote him or to bring up his name or to call him my man-boy or my mitthu. There is no ownership. He was never "mine". He just is.
As am I.
As shall be the next soul mate who actually marries me :)
And so, contrary to my past behaviour, I am being kind to myself. It is as it is. I am in no hurry. Hurry and haste is not the way.
The way of the Tao is the way.
Yield and bend to the currents of time and space.
I know He has planned the best. what's the hurry?
(Apologies for formatting, have no patience right now to fix it).
Although, they really pissed me off becuase I had put up my O Healer blog address on so that anyone seeing my profile can see a glimpse of what I am transforming into... and they just removed it without saying why. I don't see how that violated any Ts and Cs and I'm not bothering to ask them. Ego, go back to sleep.
Bloody Khoja-run Muslim matrimonial websites. Grr. Okay, okay... ego, now please go to bed :p
~~~
At the time, because I was madly in love with him (or his potential and his spirit), those practical, succinct and blasé words felt like little shards of glass driven through my heart. I actually lost my breath for a few seconds, my heart started to pain again and I had to stop myself from snapping at him to grow up or wake up or stop being such a dumbass. I also had to stop my voice from cracking on the phone. I ended up not being able to respond to him - so he took his chance and carried on yammering away :)
But today, those very same words... are such a comfort to me.
Because I see what he saw. They make sense.
It's not about who is not good enough or too emotional or more heartless or more rude or less communicative.
Simple truth, we were not compatible. Forget soulmates and falling in love and that "man-done-me-wrong" and "but... I loved him "and all the rest of it.
we were not compatible.
I still like him and whatever that other emotion is - but that's only because I'm no longer in contact with him. Talk about long-distance relationships :D Hahaha!
I am almost completely healed. And it truly feels great. I feel gratitude, God, feel me feeling it please!
There's an angel card that I get frequently that says just that. Next time it pops up, I'll paste it here.
(21 August, 20 Ramadhan, Sunday - here you are!
"Even a heart that was previously broken is now whole..." - doesn't explain the pain in my tummy I had this morning when I thought of him being in love with that other girl-woman, now does it?! ;-) )
In this past week, my heart has actually feels like it's being sewn back together; the fibres have changed in their DNA sturcture and are now finally able to weave themselves into a bigger, more loving and open heart. One that doesn't take it too seriously, yet is entirely sincere. (One hopes.)
Not just with respect to him, but it's also increasing my ability to love myself and my family and the entirety of humankind... at least, I'd like to believe it is so!
The heart is the heart; 'tis deceitful above all things... and yet, it is also the seat of the soul.
Intellect comes from the mind, but wisdom comes from the heart.
I shall be completely healed when he no longer registers on my radar. when he is truly in the past, and therefore there is no need to quote him or to bring up his name or to call him my man-boy or my mitthu. There is no ownership. He was never "mine". He just is.
As am I.
As shall be the next soul mate who actually marries me :)
And so, contrary to my past behaviour, I am being kind to myself. It is as it is. I am in no hurry. Hurry and haste is not the way.
The way of the Tao is the way.
Yield and bend to the currents of time and space.
I know He has planned the best. what's the hurry?
(Apologies for formatting, have no patience right now to fix it).
Although, they really pissed me off becuase I had put up my O Healer blog address on so that anyone seeing my profile can see a glimpse of what I am transforming into... and they just removed it without saying why. I don't see how that violated any Ts and Cs and I'm not bothering to ask them. Ego, go back to sleep.
Bloody Khoja-run Muslim matrimonial websites. Grr. Okay, okay... ego, now please go to bed :p
~~~
Online
My ideal partner would be:
Between
25 and 35 years old
Syed
no preference
Sect
Ja'fari/Ithna'asheri
Living in
United Kingdom
Some of my favourites
My favourite film is..
The English Patient, About A Boy, Romulus, My Father, LOTR trilogy and others
My favourite book is..
He's Just Not That Into You, The Alchemist, How to find God, The Way of the Wizard, The Sword in the Stone, The Kite Runner, Bridget Jones's Diary and lots of New Age stuff - and others.
My favourite holiday is..
I need to start travelling again - my soul is dying :p
Skyejacques
27 , Ja'fari/Ithna'asheri , Greater London , United Kingdom
" Phoenix rising from the ashes"
A few words about me
I'm a girl-woman who's nuts enough to try this route again. As they say about second marriages, it is the triumph of hope over experience!
I shall add more later when I'm 100% sure about this.
I know I want to choose the most compatible life partner for myself. Trust me, I know it in my bones.
However, I am extremely shy and do not hang out with males in general. Meeting random individuals for this specific purpose makes my blood run cold. I freak out. It's Social Engineering 101: uncool, exhausting and sometimes VERY painful.
This is why I'm not 100% sure about putting myself on here again as a cow for the market: you may think I'm messing about and playing games while I take time to bring up the courage to take the first step.
I am not.
I just need someone with more patience, compassion, understanding and awareness than perhaps one could reasonably expect from the average person :)
(Note to blog peeps: I had, of course, put man-boy first, and today I changed it to person. I am defeated. I have learned my lesson. My ego needs no more feeding. Anyway, man-boy (alongwith Umair's man-beast) sounds a lot more sexier in person, as foreplay and as during play and as after-play - MUHAHAHAHA!)
Interestingly, I still interpret the commitment and responsibility that a marriage entails as a challenge to my personal independence and freedom. Working on that at the mo :D
I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
~ George B. Shaw
Your task is to not seek for love, but seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
~ Rumi
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ C. G. Jung
All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.
~ J. R. R. Tolkein
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says: I will try again tomorrow.
~ Mary Roadmacher
The beginning of love is to let those we love just be themselves and not twist them with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
~Anon
What i am looking for
*I'm still iffy about commitment and marriage. Having said that, if something resonates, please do connect :)
I ain't getting any younger or smarter :p*
*I'm still iffy about commitment and marriage. Having said that, if something resonates, please do connect :)
I ain't getting any younger or smarter :p*
Someone who has either killed a mammoth or knows how to. Essential :)
And who has read and has shifted as a result of reading books by at least one of the following authors: Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Neale Donald Walsch or some other non-cuckoo book on connecting with the Divine.
Because I have been wondering... is it easier for a spiritually and self-aware male to fully comprehend how Islam would work for him or for a Shia Muslim male to fully comprehend how becoming spiritually and self-aware would work for him, myself and his relationship with the world and with God?
What is destined will reach you, even if it be underneath two mountains. What is not destined will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips!
~ Arab Proverb
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart...
Who looks outside, dreams.
Who looks inside, awakens.
~ Carl G. Jung
The Soul Mate
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
The person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
The person who brings to you to your own attention
so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet
Because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.
A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and addictions,
break your heart open so new light can get in,
make you so out of control,
that you want to transform your life.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
A temporary setback and I, out of ignorance, begin to despair. Although, perhaps slowing down may be a blessing in disguise because You alone know all the consequences. I know no generous master who is more accommodating to dissatisfied servants, than You are to me.
~ Dua-e-Iftitah
And who has read and has shifted as a result of reading books by at least one of the following authors: Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Neale Donald Walsch or some other non-cuckoo book on connecting with the Divine.
Because I have been wondering... is it easier for a spiritually and self-aware male to fully comprehend how Islam would work for him or for a Shia Muslim male to fully comprehend how becoming spiritually and self-aware would work for him, myself and his relationship with the world and with God?
What is destined will reach you, even if it be underneath two mountains. What is not destined will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips!
~ Arab Proverb
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart...
Who looks outside, dreams.
Who looks inside, awakens.
~ Carl G. Jung
The Soul Mate
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit
and that's what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror,
The person who shows you everything that is holding you back,
The person who brings to you to your own attention
so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet
Because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.
A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up,
tear apart your ego a little bit,
show you your obstacles and addictions,
break your heart open so new light can get in,
make you so out of control,
that you want to transform your life.
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
A temporary setback and I, out of ignorance, begin to despair. Although, perhaps slowing down may be a blessing in disguise because You alone know all the consequences. I know no generous master who is more accommodating to dissatisfied servants, than You are to me.
~ Dua-e-Iftitah
About me
Hijab
Build
Height
5' 0" - 152cm
Citizen of
United Kingdom
Ethnicity
My friends describe me as
Funny, Intelligent, Reflective, Sensitive, Weird
Marital status
Never married
Revert to Islam?
No
Personal values
I want to get married in
When I find the right person
I am willing to relocate...
My Education & Career
A little more about Me
Education
Bachelors degree
Subject studied
English and French
Profession
Lifestyle
I live with
Smoke
No
Have disabilities
No
Have children
No
I want children
My Culture and Family
My Religion and Faith
My family's values
Country of family origin*
India
Languages spoken
French , Urdu
I am religious
Spiritual
I eat Halal food
I only eat halal
I pray
Some of my Interests
Fitness and excercise
Sometimes
Entertainment
Reading, Others
Other interests
Singing, Internet, Music, The outdoors, Travel, Coffee/conversation, Others, Books, Writing
Political views
Comments
<3 No need to doubt it, you ARE rising from the ashes.