Verbal fasting
O Allah,
Thank you that all my friends don't mind my incessant chatter. It bugs the hell out of me.
I am going to keep a verbal fast for up until Eid - silence is the most eloquent reply. well, that technically means that I shall only speak, write emails and chat online when absolutely necessary.
why do I talk so much?
why is talking to you not enough?
I annoy myself so much because chat and analyse and obsess about such silly things! Or rather, things that need not be obsessed so much about.
I know I chose to be a female and that I also am good at speaking but communication is more about listening.
I interrupt Tazeen and Ashiya and SIdra and actually most people I chat to all the time. And they LET ME!
I really do not like that sub persona of mine... the valley girl on speed one. It's not served me well this past year.
I really do come across as more intelligent when I'm silent - nowadays I tell people everything: major disclosure.
I seem to still pre-suppose that authenticity and honesty = telling everyone everything, revealing everything.
Silence that within me that is voluble.
Took back the night
23rd August is done and dusted. By my own healing and also because I mentioned it to Sidra, she was able to work on me removing the dates from my memories, the illusions I tend to create and allow to mimic reality. I even managed to stay awake for some ebadah for Laylatul Qadr and let whatever thoughts were, just be. Although I would have liked to have done more ebadah, I accept that what I did do was good enough. And, again, untainted by thoughts of any males. I mean, I prayed for them all on the basis of them being gifts and signs of Allah's mercy. And I did think of them, but then I let those thoughts float away.
The part of me that is in love with love has been named and shamed and is being healed.
Again, he is a fabulous person, sincere person, decent guy and is perfect being him. I still regret that we are currently not friends, and perhaps shall allow it to remain that way forever more.
He is not the most compatible person for me. Someone else is.
And after honouring Your holy month, and my own spiritual and self-esteem and self-love needs, I shall "try again" on the weekend after Eid.
Treat them like I do the cats: with love, affection, respect, friendliness, allowing myself to receive love in all of its manifestations - because friendship is love, too - stroke their egos, tickle their funny bones, pull their legs a little and enjoy all the long overdue fawning, attention, rubs and frisky behaviour ;-) (I love how I can relate anything to felines.)
I need to get less serious about this... destroy my man-boy shield when I feel vulnerable and feel the need to disappear. Increase my trust in myself and in whoever it is I am in contact with. Be sincere, honest and also succinct. The women are right: why do you want to tell a guy all those things? Firstly, they aren't really interested, secondly, you are one of MANY girls (who may even be less high-maintenance) and thirdly, no one cares in general unless they are your firends or your life coach and ASK YOU. And fourthly, God is my confidanct and fifthly, at least get engaged or married first before you assume things and that he would care.
And yet.
I trust in You that You will keep my honour for the sake of Khadijah, Fatemah and Zaynab (peace be upon them).
I always thought if I prayed to You enough to keep my honour, effat, haya and dignity as a woman, You'd make it so that I don't have to go on the merry-go-round and "talk to five guys at the same time", etc.
Perhaps that's another reason I was thinking of the first guy as the one.
Loyalty to a memory and also it served the image I have of being chaste and untainted and pure. And less hassle and served the image I have of being special.
Of course, that pre-supposes that talking to men taints me - when I know it doesn't and part of me really craves the fun and frivolity and male (sensual and sexual) attention as well as the mind, body and soul connection and etc.
However, because I've been burned badly and behaved in a manner which still shames me with regards to Imran, I shall tread lightly and ask You for guidance at all times.
My one action step is to go out daily before responding to emails, texts, phone calls.. (well, that's a little tricky) so that I am in the real world and out of my dream world.
And also decline to change myself for anyone - no matter how much I like him, even when he may be another "soul mate". My crash-test dummy run can not be in vain.
Meditate
The need for it increases daily. My willingness increases daily. I am actually surprised at the fact that I don't miss listening to music. I mean, I still sing to some of my favourites when I'm getting too serious and bogged down but as such, I have only craved it a few times. Some of the songs sound tinny and meh, too.
I'm going for a walk now because I was searching for jobs and got disheartened again.
walking picks me up and takes me out of myself.
Dearest Allah,
I am still alive and that automatically pre-supposed You sustain me and love me and hear my deepest desires and wishes.
Help me please.
I seek the best from You.
Help me, help me, help me help myself.
I need a job and so I need your help, You know what is the best job for me now and when I shall have it.
Help me, please.
And please allow the remnants of arrogance, or the next layer to just fizzle out without the pain and the humiliation. Save my face from humiliation. And save my honour from the matrimonial merry-go-round. It is something I dislike and would rather be removed from.
And bring me joy in my heart. Let me start dancing and singing again.
And grant me a good job that pays well and I am happy doing.
And please set up an amazing week for everyone we send healing to on Change the world - that includes all of you guys and myself.
And actually, this week has been quite amazing for me so far! Lots of synchronicites. Shall divulge after my verbal fasting ;)
O Allah,
Thank you that all my friends don't mind my incessant chatter. It bugs the hell out of me.
I am going to keep a verbal fast for up until Eid - silence is the most eloquent reply. well, that technically means that I shall only speak, write emails and chat online when absolutely necessary.
why do I talk so much?
why is talking to you not enough?
I annoy myself so much because chat and analyse and obsess about such silly things! Or rather, things that need not be obsessed so much about.
I know I chose to be a female and that I also am good at speaking but communication is more about listening.
I interrupt Tazeen and Ashiya and SIdra and actually most people I chat to all the time. And they LET ME!
I really do not like that sub persona of mine... the valley girl on speed one. It's not served me well this past year.
I really do come across as more intelligent when I'm silent - nowadays I tell people everything: major disclosure.
I seem to still pre-suppose that authenticity and honesty = telling everyone everything, revealing everything.
Silence that within me that is voluble.
Took back the night
23rd August is done and dusted. By my own healing and also because I mentioned it to Sidra, she was able to work on me removing the dates from my memories, the illusions I tend to create and allow to mimic reality. I even managed to stay awake for some ebadah for Laylatul Qadr and let whatever thoughts were, just be. Although I would have liked to have done more ebadah, I accept that what I did do was good enough. And, again, untainted by thoughts of any males. I mean, I prayed for them all on the basis of them being gifts and signs of Allah's mercy. And I did think of them, but then I let those thoughts float away.
The part of me that is in love with love has been named and shamed and is being healed.
Again, he is a fabulous person, sincere person, decent guy and is perfect being him. I still regret that we are currently not friends, and perhaps shall allow it to remain that way forever more.
He is not the most compatible person for me. Someone else is.
And after honouring Your holy month, and my own spiritual and self-esteem and self-love needs, I shall "try again" on the weekend after Eid.
Treat them like I do the cats: with love, affection, respect, friendliness, allowing myself to receive love in all of its manifestations - because friendship is love, too - stroke their egos, tickle their funny bones, pull their legs a little and enjoy all the long overdue fawning, attention, rubs and frisky behaviour ;-) (I love how I can relate anything to felines.)
I need to get less serious about this... destroy my man-boy shield when I feel vulnerable and feel the need to disappear. Increase my trust in myself and in whoever it is I am in contact with. Be sincere, honest and also succinct. The women are right: why do you want to tell a guy all those things? Firstly, they aren't really interested, secondly, you are one of MANY girls (who may even be less high-maintenance) and thirdly, no one cares in general unless they are your firends or your life coach and ASK YOU. And fourthly, God is my confidanct and fifthly, at least get engaged or married first before you assume things and that he would care.
And yet.
I trust in You that You will keep my honour for the sake of Khadijah, Fatemah and Zaynab (peace be upon them).
I always thought if I prayed to You enough to keep my honour, effat, haya and dignity as a woman, You'd make it so that I don't have to go on the merry-go-round and "talk to five guys at the same time", etc.
Perhaps that's another reason I was thinking of the first guy as the one.
Loyalty to a memory and also it served the image I have of being chaste and untainted and pure. And less hassle and served the image I have of being special.
Of course, that pre-supposes that talking to men taints me - when I know it doesn't and part of me really craves the fun and frivolity and male (sensual and sexual) attention as well as the mind, body and soul connection and etc.
However, because I've been burned badly and behaved in a manner which still shames me with regards to Imran, I shall tread lightly and ask You for guidance at all times.
My one action step is to go out daily before responding to emails, texts, phone calls.. (well, that's a little tricky) so that I am in the real world and out of my dream world.
And also decline to change myself for anyone - no matter how much I like him, even when he may be another "soul mate". My crash-test dummy run can not be in vain.
Meditate
The need for it increases daily. My willingness increases daily. I am actually surprised at the fact that I don't miss listening to music. I mean, I still sing to some of my favourites when I'm getting too serious and bogged down but as such, I have only craved it a few times. Some of the songs sound tinny and meh, too.
I'm going for a walk now because I was searching for jobs and got disheartened again.
walking picks me up and takes me out of myself.
Dearest Allah,
I am still alive and that automatically pre-supposed You sustain me and love me and hear my deepest desires and wishes.
Help me please.
I seek the best from You.
Help me, help me, help me help myself.
I need a job and so I need your help, You know what is the best job for me now and when I shall have it.
Help me, please.
And please allow the remnants of arrogance, or the next layer to just fizzle out without the pain and the humiliation. Save my face from humiliation. And save my honour from the matrimonial merry-go-round. It is something I dislike and would rather be removed from.
And bring me joy in my heart. Let me start dancing and singing again.
And grant me a good job that pays well and I am happy doing.
And please set up an amazing week for everyone we send healing to on Change the world - that includes all of you guys and myself.
And actually, this week has been quite amazing for me so far! Lots of synchronicites. Shall divulge after my verbal fasting ;)
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