The dregs of the month

Dear Allah,

I mean it. If You don't forgive me and help me to move on in a manner that is befitting of both You and me, what's the point.

I slept on all the nights of Qadr. So I've lost out on those. I don't even know if I'm fasting according to my mother or according to the people in London.

Help me. Release me. And give me a better person to help me than my current life coach. I deserve MUCH better than I am currently getting. Or lover my expectations from them all. Release me from tying myself to anyone ever again.

I can't look myself in the eye whilst I still do it.

I still do it.

It's like every single thing I can do to hamper my progress - that is what I do.

Even no, it's midnight and I have to go out to work in 9 hours. And I'm here. Because... just because... I'm so upset today. Because things still don't make sense. The things that used to make sense no longer do.

My relationships are dying. Umair has gone. Poof. Imran vent ages ago, I just believed otherwise.

Give me people of integrity and love and compassion and acceptance.

Parts of me are dying - major parts of me are dying. They may say it's ego, and it feels like it's me.

And I still pray to you, in the hallowed hour of the whatever night of Ramadhan it is, for the sake of your Glory and for the sake of Fatemah and Zaynab's dignity and modesty - help me find my Ali. I cannot bear this matrimonial merry-go-round.

And I'm still going to have to meet the bugger. Maybe going on the internet was unwise. I still have to meet the person under manufactured circumstances. It's not as though I can even sense if any of the five people are compatible or a soul mate. No way of my knowing at this juncture.

I always imagined a natural meeting. Or my being a lot more confident than I currently am.

Shit.

Why did I go back on the website?

BREATHE. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You can always not sign in. You can always delete your profile. You can continue to lead a life of pain and aloneness and be unhappy in it.

Or take a chance and believe that Allah is guiding you towards your Ali.

Which is more liberating a thought?

(I'll edit the v's and proofread later on - need sleep.)

In ‘al-Kafi’, Shaykh al-Kulayniy has reported Imam Ja`far al-Sadiq (a.s) to recite: real mp3
 

أَعُوذُ بِجَلالِ وَجْهِكَ الكَرِيمِ	a`udhu bijalali wajhika alkarimi	I seek the protection of the Majesty of Your Honorable Face
أَنْ يَنْقَضِيَ عَنّي شَهْرُ رَمَضَانَ	an yanqadhiya `anni shahru ramadhana	against that the month of Ramadhan elapses
أَوْ يَطْلُعَ الفَجْرُ مِنْ لَيْلَتِي هذِهِ	aw yathlu`a alfajru min laylaty hadhihi	Or dawn puts an end to this night
وَلَكَ قِبَلِي تَبِعَةٌ أَوْ  ذَنْبٌ تُعَذّبُنِي عَلَيْهِ.	wa laka qibaly tabi`atun aw  dhanbun tu`adhdhibuny `alayhi	but there is still an offense or a sin for which I am still liable and for  which You will punish me.

Repeat the following invocation as many times as possible:

يَا مُلَيّنَ الحَدِيدِ لِدَاوُدَ عَلَيْهِ السّلامُ،	ya mulayyina alhadidi lidawuda `alayhi alssalamu	O He Who made the iron pliant for (Prophet) David, peace be upon him;
يَا كَاشِفَ الضّرّ وَالكُرَبِ العِظَامِ عَنْ أَيّوبَ عَلَيْهِ السّلامُ،	ya kashifa aldhdhurri wal-kurabi al`i¨ami `an ayyuba `alayhi alssalamu	O He Who took off the harm and calamity that afflict (Prophet) Job, peace be upon him;
أَيْ مُفَرّجَ هَمّ يَعْقُوبَ عَلَيْهِ السّلامُ،	ay mufarrija hamm ya`quba `alayhi alssalamu	O He Who relieved the sorrow of (Prophet) Jacob, peace be upon him;
أَيْ مُنَفّسَ غَمّ يُوسُفَ عَلَيْهِ السّلامُ،	ay munaffisa ghammi yusufa `alayhi alssalamu	O He Who removed the grief of (Prophet) Joseph, peace be upon him:
صَلّ عَلَى مُحَمّدٍ وَآلِ مُحَمّدٍ	salli `ala muhammadin wa ali muhammadin	(Please do) send blessings upon Muhammad and the Household of Muhammad,
كَمَا أَنْتَ أَهْلُهُ أَنْ تُصَلّيَ عَلَيْهِمْ أَجْمَعِينَ،	kama anta ahluhu an tusalliya `alayhim ajma`ina	As exactly as You are worthy of blessing them all,
وَافْعَلْ بِي مَا أَنْتَ أَهْلُهُ،	waf`al by ma anta ahluhu	And (please) do to me that which befits You,
وَلا تَفْعَلْ بِي مَا أَنَا أَهْلُهُ.	wa la taf`al by ma ana ahluhu	And do not do to me that which I deserve.

O Allah: You have said in Your revealed Book:
(شَهْرُ رَمَضَانَ الّذِي أُنْزِلَ فِيهِ القُرْآنُ	(shahru ramadhana alladhy ‘unzila fihi alqur’anu	“The month of Ramadhan is that in which the Qur'an was revealed,
هُدَىً لِلنَّاسِ وَبَيّنَاتٍ مِنَ الهُدَى وَالفُرْقَانِ)	hudan lilnnasi wa bayyinatin mina alhuda wal-furqani)	a guidance to men and clear proofs of the guidance and the distinction.”
فَعَظّمْتَ حُرْمَةَ شَهْرِ رَمَضَانَ	fa-`a¨¨amta hurmata shahri ramadhana	You have thus rendered great the sanctity of this month of Ramadhan,
بِمَا أَنْزَلْتَ فِيهِ مِنَ القُرْآنِ	bima anzalta fihi mina alqur’ani	Because You revealed the Qur'an in it,
وَخَصَصْتَهُ بِلَيْلَةِ القَدْرِ	wa khasastahu bilaylati alqadri	And You decided the Grand Night to be in this month exclusively,
وَجَعَلْتَهَا خَيْراً مِنْ أَلْفِ شَهْرٍ.	wa ja`altaha khayran min alfi shahrin	And You made it better than one thousand months.
اللّهُمّ وَهذِهِ أَيَّامُ شَهْرِ رَمَضَانَ قَدِ انْقَضَتْ،	allahumma wa hadhihi aiyyamu shahri ramadhana slat a’ukhra qadi anqadhat	O Allah: the days of the month of Ramadhan are elapsing,
وَلَيَالِيهِ قَدْ تَصَرّمَتْ،	wa layalihi qad tasarramat	And its nights are also elapsing,
وَقَدْ صِرْتُ يَا إِلهِي مِنْهُ إِلَى مَا أَنْتَ أَعْلَمُ بِهِ مِنّي	wa qad sirtu ya ilahy minhu ila ma anta a`lamu bihi minny	While I have become in the state that You, O my God, know better than I do,
وَأَحْصَى لِعَدَدِهِ مِنَ الخَلْقِ أَجْمَعِينَ،	wa ahsa li`adadihi mina alkhalqi ajma`ina	And You can count it more precisely than all the created beings.
فَأَسْأَلُكَ بِمَا سَأَلَكَ بِهِ مَلائِكَتُكَ المُقَرّبُونَ،	fa-as’aluka bima salaka bihi mala’ikatuka almuqarrabuna	So, I beseech You in the name of that by which Your favorite angels,
وَأَنْبِيَاؤُكَ المُرْسَلُونَ،	wa anbiya’uka almursaluna	And Your missioned Prophets,
وَعِبَادُكَ الصَّالِحُونَ	wa `ibaduka alssalihuna	And Your righteous servants have besought You,
أَنْ تُصَلّيَ عَلَى مُحَمّدٍ وَآلِ مُحَمّدٍ	an tusalliya `ala muhammadin wa ali muhammadin	That You may bless Muhammad and the Household of Muhammad,
وَأَنْ تَفُكّ رَقَبَتِي مِنَ النَّارِ،	wa an tafukka raqabaty mina alnnari	And You may release me from Hellfire,
وَتُدْخِلَنِي الجَنّةَ برَحْمَتِكَ،	wa tudkhilany aljannata brahmatika	And allow me to enter Paradise, by Your mercy,
وَأَنْ تَتَفَضّلَ عَلَيّ بِعَفْوِكَ وَكَرَمِكَ،	wa an tatafadhdhala `alayya bi`afwika wa karamika	And confer upon me with Your pardon and Your generosity,
وَتَتَقَبّلَ تَقَرّبِي،	wa tataqabbala taqarrubi	And accept my seeking of nearness to You,
وَتَسْتَجِيبَ دُعَائِي،	wa tastajiba du`a’y	And respond to my prayer,
وَتَمُنّ عَلَيّ بِالأَمْنِ يَوْمَ الخَوْفِ	wa tamunna `alayya bil-amni yawma alkhawfi	And bestow upon me with security on the Day of Dread
مِنْ كُلّ هَوْلٍ أَعْدَدْتَهُ لِيَوْمِ القِيَامَةِ.	min kulli hawlin a`dadtahu liyawmi alqiyamati	Against all the horrors that You have prepared for the Resurrection Day.
إِلهِي وَأَعُوذُ بِوَجْهِكَ الكَرِيمِ،	ilahy wa a`udhu biwajhika alkarimi	O my God: I seek the protection of Your Noble Face,
وَبِجَلالِكَ العَظِيمِ	wa bijalalika al`a¨imi	And Your Great Majesty,
أَنْ تَنْقَضِيَ أَيَّامُ شَهْرِ رَمَضَانَ وَلَيَالِيهِ	an tanqadhiya aiyyamu shahri ramadhana wa layalihi	Against that the days and nights of the month of Ramadhan elapse,
وَلَكَ قِبَلِي تَبِعَةٌ أَوْ ذَنْبٌ تُؤَاخِذُنِي بِهِ،	wa laka qibaly tabi`atun aw dhanbun tu´akhidhuny bihi	While there is still a sin or an offense for which You may punish me,
أَوْ خَطِيئَةٌ تُرِيدُ أَنْ تَقْتَصّهَا مِنّي لَمْ تَغْفِرْهَا لِي،	aw khathyiatun turidu an taqtassaha minny lam taghfirha li	Or a wrongdoing for which You want to chastise me; and You have not yet forgiven them for me,
سَيّدِي سَيّدِي سَيّدِي،	sayyidy sayyidy sayyidi	O my Master; O my Master; O my Master;
أَسْأَلُكَ يَا لا إِلهَ إِلاَّ أَنْتَ	as’aluka ya la ilaha illa anta	I beseech You, O He save Whom there is no god,
إِذْ لا إِلهَ إِلاَّ أَنْتَ	idh la ilaha illa anta	Indeed, there is no god save You,
إِنْ كُنْتَ رَضِيتَ عَنّي فِي هذَا الشّهْرِ	in kunta radhita `anni fi hadha alshshahri	If You have been pleased with me in this month,
فَازْدَدْ عَنّي رِضَىً،	fazdad `anni ridhan	Then (please) increase Your satisfaction with me;
وَإِنْ لَمْ تَكُنْ رَضِيتَ عَنّي	wa in lam takun radhita `anni	And if You have not been pleased with me,
فَمِنَ الآنَ فَارْضَ عَنّي	famina al-ana fardha `anni	Then (please) be satisfied with me from this moment,
يَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِينَ،	ya arhama alrrahimina	O the most Merciful of all those who show mercy.
يَا اللّهُ يَا أَحَدُ يَا صَمَدُ	ya allahu ya ahadu ya samadu	O Allah; O the One and Only; O the Besought of all;
يَا مَنْ لَمْ يَلِدْ وَلَمْ يُولَدْ	ya man lam yalid wa lam yulad	O He Who  begets not, nor is He begotten,
وَلَمْ يَكُنْ لَهُ كُفُواً أَحَدٌ.	wa lam yakun lahu kufwan ahadun	And none is like Him