The feeling inside of my heart - yes, it is situated quite acutely in that specific organ - of an abysmal abyss that increases, an unease that has crawled its way once again into my being, only this time it is taking away my human breaths with it.
A contracting of nerves and of muscle. I find it hard to breathe. Maybe it is because of the thoughts that are pulsating within my entire body and threaten to overflow into this outburst of complete and utter desperation.
I think I have done well to control it for this entire week. I have done extremely well. However, with the cycles of my being as they are, with the auguries of complete and utter devastation that continue to circle in this immensely fragile mind of mine, it is only a matter of time before I break.
I only hope it is once I have reached my destination and not before. For, each day that I spend in premature mourning here is a day wasted in appreciating what's left of my life here.
I know that I won't come back for a very long time. And this reality forces shards of grief into my heart. I feel it is slowing it's beat.
My doctor asked me if I had had any suicidal thoughts. I said no. But that was then, before the closure hit me.
And now, to me, a girl with another unforged future lying ahead; sitting here in this dark, grey city, in which I have never been destined to remain. I think back to it.
For I am stuck here, without genius. Without creativity. Without outlet. Without inspiration. All the things I hold dear and cherish. Friends who need me. A pathway to follow and a guide alongside. A soul, a veritable soul that lives and pulsates. An inner eye. A voice. A story. A lover.
I have none of these. So what is the use, pray tell, my Lord? What is the damned use?
I ate eight Cadbury Mini Rolls today.
A contracting of nerves and of muscle. I find it hard to breathe. Maybe it is because of the thoughts that are pulsating within my entire body and threaten to overflow into this outburst of complete and utter desperation.
I think I have done well to control it for this entire week. I have done extremely well. However, with the cycles of my being as they are, with the auguries of complete and utter devastation that continue to circle in this immensely fragile mind of mine, it is only a matter of time before I break.
I only hope it is once I have reached my destination and not before. For, each day that I spend in premature mourning here is a day wasted in appreciating what's left of my life here.
I know that I won't come back for a very long time. And this reality forces shards of grief into my heart. I feel it is slowing it's beat.
My doctor asked me if I had had any suicidal thoughts. I said no. But that was then, before the closure hit me.
And now, to me, a girl with another unforged future lying ahead; sitting here in this dark, grey city, in which I have never been destined to remain. I think back to it.
For I am stuck here, without genius. Without creativity. Without outlet. Without inspiration. All the things I hold dear and cherish. Friends who need me. A pathway to follow and a guide alongside. A soul, a veritable soul that lives and pulsates. An inner eye. A voice. A story. A lover.
I have none of these. So what is the use, pray tell, my Lord? What is the damned use?
I ate eight Cadbury Mini Rolls today.