This week was alright, yesterday was pretty lovely - went to "The" Regent's Park and got lost on the way to the mosque, thankfully left before they started praying and got lost on the way back, went all the way to triyoga to leave a message and came home after 4:30pm so paid the extra peak time fare.
I had envisioned today to be slightly more bearable, but it's ended with me having a nasty taste in my mouth and me not wanting to fast tomorrow.
I hate most of the roles I find myself playing these days: having to cope with/yield to how other people perceive the world and their or my place in it.
It's so much easier to just top oneself off and get it over with; not having to deal with uncertainties like health, money, fucking jobs, people, poverty, do I want to marry? a man or a woman? (joking, women are irritating), how much food will I have to inhale before I feel loved? do I want friends? do I want to settle for people who are nice and friendly but aren't thinkers? how much will I forget before I go mad? I am mad, so why am I trying to function in this world?
I'm going to bed now and if I cry, I cry.
I keep saying I'm going to keep a verbal fast and I always don't. I'm keeping one tomorrow, even if I end up not fasting which I think I am going to. First time ever I've done that on purpose. I just can't be bothered.
I really need some chocolate. I hope my dad is nice enough to give me some. I know he isn't, but I shall visualise it anyway.
They should cull depressives, we want to die as a rule anyway and are such a waste of space and don't give to the economy, don't generate anything except a market for your SAD lights and your antidepressants.
As even I can tell, my SAD has kicked in and I can't even afford a SAD light, or rather the istekhara keeps saying no. Maybe I am to kill myself this winter. About ruddy time.
And the tears leak again.
I had envisioned today to be slightly more bearable, but it's ended with me having a nasty taste in my mouth and me not wanting to fast tomorrow.
I hate most of the roles I find myself playing these days: having to cope with/yield to how other people perceive the world and their or my place in it.
It's so much easier to just top oneself off and get it over with; not having to deal with uncertainties like health, money, fucking jobs, people, poverty, do I want to marry? a man or a woman? (joking, women are irritating), how much food will I have to inhale before I feel loved? do I want friends? do I want to settle for people who are nice and friendly but aren't thinkers? how much will I forget before I go mad? I am mad, so why am I trying to function in this world?
I'm going to bed now and if I cry, I cry.
I keep saying I'm going to keep a verbal fast and I always don't. I'm keeping one tomorrow, even if I end up not fasting which I think I am going to. First time ever I've done that on purpose. I just can't be bothered.
I really need some chocolate. I hope my dad is nice enough to give me some. I know he isn't, but I shall visualise it anyway.
They should cull depressives, we want to die as a rule anyway and are such a waste of space and don't give to the economy, don't generate anything except a market for your SAD lights and your antidepressants.
As even I can tell, my SAD has kicked in and I can't even afford a SAD light, or rather the istekhara keeps saying no. Maybe I am to kill myself this winter. About ruddy time.
And the tears leak again.
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