I feel as though I should write something, it's been a week since my last post. But there's just not anything positive to write about.
My last Thursday's therapy was perhaps the worst session I've had. I went in with the intention of taking a break from it all. i told her as much and Dr Z. seemed a bit reluctant to do so and I myself, i typical INFP manner, also felt that perhaps I'm jumping the gun after 20 sessions and expecting any sort of change. but then she said a few things that really pinched me, and i don't think i can forgive her for those comments.
1. You have a lot of defiance in you (as though it were always a bad thing)
2. I'm doing my job, Sukaina also has to be willing to change.
3. If you're not willing to change, then nothing's going to happen, is it?
It didn't occur to me at the time, but why is it always an insistence that I must change and only in the way that she envisions?
Anyway, when i got home, i just mentioned to my mother that perhaps i should take out an istekhara to continue to see her, since she obviously seems to have hit a wall. I didn't think my mum would take it out so quickly, but she did, and the result came that i should be patient, since this won't benefit me. So, I'm taking a gap. i don't really think I'll go back to her. I mean, after I read my 14th February post, about how i felt as though i was being bullied into continuing, I realise that yeah, maybe.
And I suddenly felt relieved that i didn't have to go and at the same time resentful towards her. Why? that nothing transpired? Or that she had weird comments like" don't wear grey, you should wear black or white instead." and "I want a valentine's sweet" and at the time I took it okay, but now I'm just... mad. and the entire "Oh, this person came to me, and that person came to me and they are much better now and..." on and on and she not only reminded me of Aquila so as to rile me up but just.... I really hate people who do that. And it's not envy, I don't envy shrinks having to see so many clients and patients in a week... and it's good if they are helping people out, because that means they have more time to focus on my stuff.
My mum's going "Oh I think you'll be better on your own" and "When people say you're looking better, say you are. Don't say you aren't."
I'm wondering who I'll talk to now. Farhat hasn't rung me up yet, i doubt she'll have time because she cut down on the days she's here. And, how exactly am I basing all my stuff on the computer runes? That's rubbish. And I'm actually telling myself to believe in it. Well, in a way, it's common sense. When I asked whether I should go to London in June, it came back with a reversed rune that said "Don't be tempted to make the same mistakes again".
Just because I am feeling these negative feelings towards Dr Z. doesn't mean that I should discard all her advice, either. She said not to go to London because if I did, I'd have to deal with le père all over again and when I fail, I won't be able to stand it. And I can see her point.
And when I go to the psychiatrist on Saturday and he asks me what have I decided, where I'm going to live. i say "filhaal toh yahaan" and he says "filhaal?" for how long?" so I say "for a few years, I don't want to stay here longer than necessary" which in essence is true... a few years can equal 5+ years, yet in my heart of hearts, I'm still looking towards going for one of those damned Intro to Counselling courses in September 2009. I mean, it's just a 10 weeks session, I'm not devoting a lifetime to it, you know what I'm saying....? And it's only March now. I have time and need to exercise patience.
I have to be the optimist now. There's no one else on whom I can rely on to do it for me, this thinking optimistically business.
My last Thursday's therapy was perhaps the worst session I've had. I went in with the intention of taking a break from it all. i told her as much and Dr Z. seemed a bit reluctant to do so and I myself, i typical INFP manner, also felt that perhaps I'm jumping the gun after 20 sessions and expecting any sort of change. but then she said a few things that really pinched me, and i don't think i can forgive her for those comments.
1. You have a lot of defiance in you (as though it were always a bad thing)
2. I'm doing my job, Sukaina also has to be willing to change.
3. If you're not willing to change, then nothing's going to happen, is it?
It didn't occur to me at the time, but why is it always an insistence that I must change and only in the way that she envisions?
Anyway, when i got home, i just mentioned to my mother that perhaps i should take out an istekhara to continue to see her, since she obviously seems to have hit a wall. I didn't think my mum would take it out so quickly, but she did, and the result came that i should be patient, since this won't benefit me. So, I'm taking a gap. i don't really think I'll go back to her. I mean, after I read my 14th February post, about how i felt as though i was being bullied into continuing, I realise that yeah, maybe.
And I suddenly felt relieved that i didn't have to go and at the same time resentful towards her. Why? that nothing transpired? Or that she had weird comments like" don't wear grey, you should wear black or white instead." and "I want a valentine's sweet" and at the time I took it okay, but now I'm just... mad. and the entire "Oh, this person came to me, and that person came to me and they are much better now and..." on and on and she not only reminded me of Aquila so as to rile me up but just.... I really hate people who do that. And it's not envy, I don't envy shrinks having to see so many clients and patients in a week... and it's good if they are helping people out, because that means they have more time to focus on my stuff.
My mum's going "Oh I think you'll be better on your own" and "When people say you're looking better, say you are. Don't say you aren't."
I'm wondering who I'll talk to now. Farhat hasn't rung me up yet, i doubt she'll have time because she cut down on the days she's here. And, how exactly am I basing all my stuff on the computer runes? That's rubbish. And I'm actually telling myself to believe in it. Well, in a way, it's common sense. When I asked whether I should go to London in June, it came back with a reversed rune that said "Don't be tempted to make the same mistakes again".
Just because I am feeling these negative feelings towards Dr Z. doesn't mean that I should discard all her advice, either. She said not to go to London because if I did, I'd have to deal with le père all over again and when I fail, I won't be able to stand it. And I can see her point.
And when I go to the psychiatrist on Saturday and he asks me what have I decided, where I'm going to live. i say "filhaal toh yahaan" and he says "filhaal?" for how long?" so I say "for a few years, I don't want to stay here longer than necessary" which in essence is true... a few years can equal 5+ years, yet in my heart of hearts, I'm still looking towards going for one of those damned Intro to Counselling courses in September 2009. I mean, it's just a 10 weeks session, I'm not devoting a lifetime to it, you know what I'm saying....? And it's only March now. I have time and need to exercise patience.
I have to be the optimist now. There's no one else on whom I can rely on to do it for me, this thinking optimistically business.
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