...I choose to let go of the past, live in the present and look forward to the future.
(again, and again, and again.... until it feels like my second nature and I can truly let go of the past...)
This past weekend, I've once again searched for signs or seen things and immediately associated with him. And some of them had nothing to do with them, I just had filed incorrect information in my mind.
* going to Old Street and thinking I'd bump into him... when actually, I've just googled it and the Cisco office is in Moorgate and he works at the main office in Feltham anyway... that's why he bloody moved there in the first place, idiot!
* seeing a doberman on Saturday morning
* seeing a guy who was of similar height and skin tone on Monday...
* the Tracy Chapman song Change popping to my attention on Youtube on Tuesday evening - it's a good one, though. So, thanks for intro-ing me to her, Immy.
* coming across the word Feltham randomly on Wednesday morning on the streetcar.co.uk website
* someone I spoke to yesterday used the term "done and dusted" yesterday
~~~
It's become so frequent now, it's become pointless to even get irritated. I'll just accept it until the child within can finally let go of her infatuation with an imaginary relationship and irrational hope for something that will reignite.... sigh. I don't know. I honestly don't know why I refuse to let him go.
Especially when he's such a turd and I still blame him for maltreating me. I still point fingers at him rather than accepting that his behaviour is his and mine is mine. Nobody is broken, we're just idiots sometimes.
F.C.U.K.
One of the girls told me that she intuited I need to write letters for closure, and that if I trust my inner wisdom,
I know exactly what to do and how to go about it - it has to be loving communication, though. I said "yeah, I tried the opposite and it didn't work!" The other girl also just said: TRUST.
I already have written so many letters to him. Some I sent with dire consequences; others I've shredded. What else do I need closure about? Honestly... I don't even feel like talking to him again - at least not today. And if I do write a letter, it's going to be one of those you shred afterwards. What's the point in emailing someone who really detests you and won't have the decency to respond? Huh? Huh? HUH???
I can't even dissolve the karma because I'm clinging on too tightly, onto air.... God knows why. I've obviously still haven't learned the lessons. The freaking pie didn't entirely dissolve. The freaking ring didn't dissolve.
(If you haven't a clue what I'm talking about, those are visualisation techniques we used in my course.)
F.C.U.K.
I'll do it again tonight. After listening to the pre-course clearing call.
It doesn't help that we're in yet another Mercury Retrograde, only this time it's in Aries so it's a triple whammy pour moi. Last time's was so crap, that was the dead of December. My Soul had gone into hibernation, I was in eat-till-I-explode mode (still am) and he didn't even realise I'd deleted him from Facebook... anyway!
Not that I really need any cosmic reason: I think of him daily...abstractly, please understand this. It's all abstract, on the spiritual level. And a habit. That I don't want to let go of at the moment. It goes like this: I think of Mum, Tazeen, Sidra and then, very naturally, Imran... then Umair and so on and so forth.
Speaking of which, Umair wrote an email a few days ago saying How's tricks? See, Suki, this is why you need to sometimes not respond to emails promptly, or at all. People will actually miss you and try to reconnect. And those who don't, and you're hoping the Mercury Retrograde will change something - get a freaking CLUE already! *smacks forehead in frustration*
~~~
On a lighter note, my dad is at the airport at this very moment... flying out to Daresalaam for 3 entire weeks. I'm sure he'll really enjoy it... as shall I....
FREEDOM! =D
Oh, and although I still think that Sonia Choquette seems like the genuine article, she emailed me with the name of my spirit guide. His name is Wesley, apparently. I don't even have to tune into my third eye to know that's complete BOLLOCKS!
If she was so psychic, she'd know that I actually have TWELVE and she'd give me the names of all of them... *rolls eyes*
There goes money I could have spent on necessities like travel expenses and food and shoes... *flicks forehead really hard, because I am really dumb sometimes*
(again, and again, and again.... until it feels like my second nature and I can truly let go of the past...)
This past weekend, I've once again searched for signs or seen things and immediately associated with him. And some of them had nothing to do with them, I just had filed incorrect information in my mind.
* going to Old Street and thinking I'd bump into him... when actually, I've just googled it and the Cisco office is in Moorgate and he works at the main office in Feltham anyway... that's why he bloody moved there in the first place, idiot!
* seeing a doberman on Saturday morning
* seeing a guy who was of similar height and skin tone on Monday...
* the Tracy Chapman song Change popping to my attention on Youtube on Tuesday evening - it's a good one, though. So, thanks for intro-ing me to her, Immy.
* coming across the word Feltham randomly on Wednesday morning on the streetcar.co.uk website
* someone I spoke to yesterday used the term "done and dusted" yesterday
~~~
It's become so frequent now, it's become pointless to even get irritated. I'll just accept it until the child within can finally let go of her infatuation with an imaginary relationship and irrational hope for something that will reignite.... sigh. I don't know. I honestly don't know why I refuse to let him go.
Especially when he's such a turd and I still blame him for maltreating me. I still point fingers at him rather than accepting that his behaviour is his and mine is mine. Nobody is broken, we're just idiots sometimes.
F.C.U.K.
One of the girls told me that she intuited I need to write letters for closure, and that if I trust my inner wisdom,
I know exactly what to do and how to go about it - it has to be loving communication, though. I said "yeah, I tried the opposite and it didn't work!" The other girl also just said: TRUST.
I already have written so many letters to him. Some I sent with dire consequences; others I've shredded. What else do I need closure about? Honestly... I don't even feel like talking to him again - at least not today. And if I do write a letter, it's going to be one of those you shred afterwards. What's the point in emailing someone who really detests you and won't have the decency to respond? Huh? Huh? HUH???
I can't even dissolve the karma because I'm clinging on too tightly, onto air.... God knows why. I've obviously still haven't learned the lessons. The freaking pie didn't entirely dissolve. The freaking ring didn't dissolve.
(If you haven't a clue what I'm talking about, those are visualisation techniques we used in my course.)
F.C.U.K.
I'll do it again tonight. After listening to the pre-course clearing call.
It doesn't help that we're in yet another Mercury Retrograde, only this time it's in Aries so it's a triple whammy pour moi. Last time's was so crap, that was the dead of December. My Soul had gone into hibernation, I was in eat-till-I-explode mode (still am) and he didn't even realise I'd deleted him from Facebook... anyway!
Not that I really need any cosmic reason: I think of him daily...abstractly, please understand this. It's all abstract, on the spiritual level. And a habit. That I don't want to let go of at the moment. It goes like this: I think of Mum, Tazeen, Sidra and then, very naturally, Imran... then Umair and so on and so forth.
Speaking of which, Umair wrote an email a few days ago saying How's tricks? See, Suki, this is why you need to sometimes not respond to emails promptly, or at all. People will actually miss you and try to reconnect. And those who don't, and you're hoping the Mercury Retrograde will change something - get a freaking CLUE already! *smacks forehead in frustration*
~~~
On a lighter note, my dad is at the airport at this very moment... flying out to Daresalaam for 3 entire weeks. I'm sure he'll really enjoy it... as shall I....
FREEDOM! =D
Oh, and although I still think that Sonia Choquette seems like the genuine article, she emailed me with the name of my spirit guide. His name is Wesley, apparently. I don't even have to tune into my third eye to know that's complete BOLLOCKS!
If she was so psychic, she'd know that I actually have TWELVE and she'd give me the names of all of them... *rolls eyes*
There goes money I could have spent on necessities like travel expenses and food and shoes... *flicks forehead really hard, because I am really dumb sometimes*
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