Isle of Skye

Okay. I'm doing it today. Based on a sudden thought that just came into my mind now.   I'm deleting all the emails, the photos, every chat session, every single last remnant, memory and attachment to Imran. I am erasing the entire Imran Lakha folder in my Yahoo Mail. Both his and my letters, including my last rude and angry one. Five entire months of my life. I feel that is the only way forward. The only way to truly heal. O healer, heal thyself... I no longer feel attached to him. No longer attached to every single word and photo and nuance and every single "Suki", term of endearment, joke, kindness, or angry word (mine). There's no searing pain, no voice screaming "No! You'll never get them back. Don't delete your old love letters!" (I read in an article somewhere that you should keep a hold onto your old love letters, because they will remind you of the love you were able to give and receive and of the happy times. I highly doubt tha...

... as though I shall never feel love again. This, too, shall pass. I just hate the fact I made such a huge mistake. That I was so in my mind and head-in-the-clouds. Okay, enough! ~~~ Debbie Ford : You may not believe you have anything special to give, but this is just not the case. "All you really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." ~ Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts "When sadness comes, just sit by the side and look at it and say, 'I am the watcher, I am not sadness,' and see the difference. Immediately you have cut the very root of sadness. It is no more nourished. It will die of starvation. We feed these emotions by being identified with them." ~ Osho

I'm doing a bit in the house and a bit in my inbox. Clearing clutter. Recycle, shred, donate, delete. It might have a ripple effect on my mind. And then I read an email I sent to Madiha on 11th July 2010. "Hey, I'm in a very sad mood today, so this email is coming from this place. I was thinking about you after our convo and Facebook stalked all your convo pics etc. Then, after writing in my blog, I went to see yours. Anyway, I didn't quite mention that I was looking for someone - I'm practically deceased at 26. *sarcasm here* So I'm on this stupid website. I say stupid because it's a futile thing to do.  Really weird people. I honestly don't know what's the point. The last guy said 'you look so simple in your photo but you've written such a long profile that I don't understand why you're so complicated....' I'm going to cut him off." BAHAHAHA! He doesn't understand why I am so com...

I've just deactivated Facebook. This low mood just prevails. So, what have I done today? One load of laundry. Grocery shopping. Photocopied something for my father (after a month of his asking me). Posted the acceptance form for more temp work at the council (I'll be posting more flyers in doors - and earning some much-needed money, not as much as I earned last time, though). Almost finished making my bed. Finished editing Sarah's nursing application (which she asked me to look over almost two months ago and I couldn't bear to touch it until today, when another of her emails guilted me into action. Good it did.). Beat myself up for a lot of the time, though. Cannot understand why it is so easy for me to become so obnoxiously rude to a complete stranger. It's just as Nicole told me today: sometimes, we all go a little nuts. Oh, yes. And got into another emotional mood and finally told my dad that I am not getting Job Seeker's Allowance for the next ...

The Path to God One night a man cried, "Allah! Allah!" until his lips became sweet with the sound. The Evil One approached him as he stood chanting, and asked, "How now, chatterbox? Where is the answer to your insistence? Who replies to you 'Here am I?' No answer comes from the Throne: how long will you mindlessly go on crying 'Allah?' " Broken-hearted, the man ceased his chant and lay down to sleep. In that sleep he dreamed a dream, and in that dream the holy mystic Khazir appeared before him in a green garden. The saint spoke: "Why have you desisted from the mention of God? How is it that you now despair of calling on Him?" The dreamer replied, "I ceased because no 'Here am I' was coming to me. I fear therefore that I may be turned from His door." Khazir answered, "God says: 'Your cry of "Allah" is itself My "Here am I," just as your pleading, agony and fervor are my Mes...

Maybe ten minutes of a stream of consciousness on the blog will help me get out of the funk I've been in the whole day. A low mood. I walked for 40 minutes, that didn't help. I sat in the library among other people; that didn't help. I even bumped into Carra and Amanda. Talked. That didn't help. I mean it did; but only sporadically. I guess it's good that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard, hard place. It means God will have to move mountains for me to be able to get un-stuck. Oh well. I made the most of last week's good feelings and karma. I really need a session with Sidra. Am just not getting it. Mind is a funk. I'll tap the SAD out of my system. There's something very interesting I am reading right now. Not all of our anger is ours. Especially women. If we have men in our lives who repress their emotions, their anger, their fears, their grief, their insecurities: it can pass on to us as energy in our auras and we feel irrational emotio...

I feel as though I should write a post. So here it is. Weekend was sleepy. Most of the week was sleepy. I've been kicked off welfare. I can contest the decision, but that would mean more stress. Oh, I don't know. When I read my numerology report, it makes me wish all of the good things would actually happen on the days it says they will happen. Especially when they say that romance and love are strong, someone admires you, you will meet someone new and important, good for career and work, misunderstandings are cleared up. I'd say it's about 17% accurate. Which is pretty crappy. I love my friends, by the way. All of them. The ones who call me and say "I don't want it to be a week without having either spoken to you or emailed you." My God. That touched the bottom of my heart, tickled it and sent ripples of love and joy throughout my entire being. Then, yesterday, Umair was online, so we were sending emails back and forth. About random stuff. And Arm...