Isle of Skye

Stupid freaks I have for parents. It's been absolutely aeons since they were married to one another and yet they hold such deep rooted grudges against each other. And it's mostly to do with fucking money. My mother. Argh. 'Oh, aren't you a smart girl, giving all your money to your father.' I said, 'It's a loan, he wanted to pay off the mortgage and will pay me back.' She said, 'Well, you're giving him all your money when I am here without any money.' 'Okay, as soon as I get my money, I'll give it all to you and never look at it again.' 'No, I have given the money to you and you very nicely give it to your father.' Fuck off. It's the same old shit, recycled and rehashed and served on a new platter. And my father is just as bad. 'I don't know why your mother from her rich background married me, a poor man.' 'She's not rich anymore.' 'Oh yes, your family is rich and you have t...

Well, according to The Bell Jar synopsis I read yesterday, Sylvia Plath also had trouble with taking showers. So, I am not alone. As disgusting as it is, there it is. I have such trouble with taking a shower but when I do take one, it just doesn't seem like such a big deal and I wonder why I make it seem so. He has called me a series of C-words over the past couple of weeks. Clever. Crafty. Cunning. Cruel. They have hurt because I think I still see myself as the good girl that I've imagined myself to be for so many years. Just because, in contrast to other people, it might be the case. Also, it's supposedly a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? Think the kid is a good girl, tell her she is, and she just might believe it, even if it is to the detriment of who she really was destined to become. And then pay for years of therapy as a result. Other C-words which I think would suit me, even if no one has the guts to say them to my face. Cunt. Confused. Crazy. Clueless. Chocoholic...

The feeling inside of my heart - yes, it is situated quite acutely in that specific organ - of an abysmal abyss that increases, an unease that has crawled its way once again into my being, only this time it is taking away my human breaths with it. A contracting of nerves and of muscle. I find it hard to breathe. Maybe it is because of the thoughts that are pulsating within my entire body and threaten to overflow into this outburst of complete and utter desperation. I think I have done well to control it for this entire week. I have done extremely well. However, with the cycles of my being as they are, with the auguries of complete and utter devastation that continue to circle in this immensely fragile mind of mine, it is only a matter of time before I break. I only hope it is once I have reached my destination and not before. For, each day that I spend in premature mourning here is a day wasted in appreciating what's left of my life here. I know that I won't come back for a ver...

'The truth is that writing is the profound pleasure and being read the superficial.' Virginia Woolf, A Writer's Diary 'I can shake off everything if I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn'. Anne Frank 'Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to Bach's B Minor Mass?' Michael Torke, composer (note to self: find out what he's on about). 'Time equals Life. Therefore, waste your time and waste your life, or master your time and master your life.' Alan Lakein, time management guru 'Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?' The Matrix 'The idea of throwing away my depression, of having to create a whole way of living and being, of having to create a whole new personality that did not contain misery as its leitmotif was daunting. Now, with the help of a biochemical ...

A day of epiphanies followed by a day of regressing again to the original state. Exactly 20 days left in Angleterre. Shame, bloody shame. I have to gather up all my stuff and dump them once again into suitcases and I am absolutely pathetic at packing. I was trying to remember all my classmates throughout my schooling and, although my memory still serves me, I forget either their surnames or their names, but know their faces. It would be so cool to attend one of those reunion things - just to see what everyone ended up being. Such a nice way to conduct an MBTI testing orgy :) I don't like the way this country is turning into somewhere as far removed from Medieval England or even England from the 70s. They now want to put metal detectors in schools. How American is that? As horrendously Guardian-ish as this sounds, I keep on thinking 'What the hell is this country turning into?' There are just too many changes taking place all the time. I still don't know where to put my ...

18 January 2007 http://www.axlife.com/luscher/index.html 1. DESIRED OBJECTIVES OR BEHAVIOR DICTATED BY DESIRED OBJECTIVES. Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging. 2. THE EXISTING SITUATION OR BEHAVIOR APPROPRIATE TO THE EXISTING SITUATION. Trying to improve his position and prestige. Dissatisfied with his existing circumstances and considers some improvement essential to his self-esteem. 3. CHARACTERISTICS UNDER RESTRAINT OR BEHAVIOR INAPPROPRIATE TO THE EXISTING SITUATION. Willing to participate and to allow himself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension. Feels that things stand in his way, that circumstances are forcing him to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being. 4. REJECTED OR SUPPRESSED CHARACTERISTICS OR ANXIETY-LADEN CHARACTERISTICS. Stress arising from suppression of physical or sexual desires and insufficient consideration of bodily needs. Feels u...

These bloody dreams just won't let me sleep. I hate them because they make no bloody sense. So my flight has been booked for the second week of February. Just before he left today, my dad said, 'I am missing you already'. How I hate these ambiguities. These pushes and pulls. Isn't it just simpler to feel pure hatred rather than understanding or love and abhorrence? I am beginning to feel that I hate him so much because he is my shadow. An INFP's shadow is an ESTJ. So, rather than continuing to hate myself and become suicidal, rather than introjecting or whatever, I have turned to projection. So everything I hate about myself is embodied in my father. He said, 'I've failed, haven't I?' I said, 'No, you haven't. This is just how things are meant to be. How long did you expect me to live away from my mum?' Even though I can't see any sane woman wanting to get married to him, I really do hope he does get married. He needs someone. It brea...