Isle of Skye

WHAT IT’S LIKE Depression is not like anything. Words are symbols we use to communicate things, but their meaning is only distantly related to reality. Nothing is like anything. Everything is. Depression is knowing that. It is sitting at the kitchen table at two in the morning, unable to sleep for the fifth night in a row and wondering how you can get out from under life without hurting the people you love. Depression is knowing for a fact they’re delusional in loving you, being unable to deny that they do, and hating yourself for fooling them. Depression is feeling so bad about yourself you wish you didn’t exist, and being convinced that your existence is a terrible cosmic mistake. It is hitting that wall, knowing there’s nothing you can do short of killing yourself. Depression is walking the neighborhood in the night, relieved there are no streetlights because if someone sees you and asks what’s wrong, you won’t be able to understand them. It’s forgetting how to speak, when all you c...

Dipsomania: a compulsive desire to drink alcoholic beverages. A synonym for alcoholism, I suppose. I don't want to take any more of those happy pills. I just want to rot. You look at the bloody grad photo and you realise what a fucking waste of time it has been. Because it didn't teach you self-confidence and it didn't give you social skills. It didn't teach you how to analyse or be critical. It didn't teach you how to live. You would have given up after your third year. You really would have. In fact the breakdown process began two Aprils ago. Before Cuba. The sun has just made an appearance, as slight as it is. I should go down to the pond to give the ducks the stale bread. But I can't. My legs betray me. My soul betrays me. I can't go out without showering, now can I? Or rather. Just face it. You don't want to go out. You don't want to get better. There's nowt to look forward to because you don't belong here. Briony was right. One is eithe...

There was really no reason for it. Well, except for the fact that I had slept three hours in the early evening. So I tried sleeping at 11, did not work. Woke up, tried to read, couldn't for very long. Back to bed, back to reading. Heard a car drive by at 12:15 am (God knows what kind of job that person has). Then it hit me to sit on the window ledge as I used to all those years ago. It just hit me that I used to be so excited just being in London, breathing in the crisp or balmy air (depending on the season). Imagining what I would be doing the next day. Of course, never did nothing but I suppose that is my greatest fault. According to the ColorQuiz it is and I am fed up of it, the bloody know-it-all. Tells me that I am unrealistic in my aims and goals and I fear failure (or maybe that's my enneagram) and that I think others having a better time of it than I am. I fear success as well. Ha ha. Well, you're right. So now what? You've delved into my psyche, you know that ...

Aphorism: a short, clever saying expressing a general truth. I was reading Kartography. I think if I emotionally distance myself from it, I'll be able to read it through. After all, I don't really consider me a Pakistani, now do I? And I am quite obviously not from the upper-class. Those kids were definitely studying in Grammar School. I have just woken up and I immediately started thinking about Kampala. I can safely say that that was the best time of my life. The time I was genuinely happy. And it's thanks to the city itself, to my granddad, to the weather. To my school. To the culture there. There was no fucking drama there. There was just school and French and thinking that Sophie's cousin Toby was actually the fella from Neighbours - Christ. I had a crush on Alex - he was from Australia. Can't remember his accent, though. I wonder how was it that Colin was at our school, because he was Ugandan himself. His dad must have been an autocrat. But, as far as I can t...

Shame on us Ronan Bennett Monday November 19, 2007 The Guardian http://www.guardian.co.uk/race/story/0,,2213223,00.html What do you make of the following statement: "Asians are gaining on us demographically at a huge rate. A quarter of humanity now and by 2025 they'll be a third. Italy's down to 1.1 child per woman. We're just going to be outnumbered." While we're at it, what do you think of this, incidentally from the same speaker: "The Black community will have to suffer until it gets its house in order." Or this, the same speaker again: "I just don't hear from moderate Judaism, do you?" And (yes, same speaker): "Strip-searching Irish people. Discriminatory stuff, until it hurts the whole Irish community and they start getting tough with their children." The rest of the article is in the link.

I was thinking about Sam in the morning. He went into film-making. His parents let him do whatever he wanted to do. And he's damn happy about it. His sister told me that he wanted to make cowboy films. Whatever. Right now, he's working for a Toronto-based production company. And living his dream. When I censured him last year, of course it was just the mores of society and whatever. I think I was envious, subconsciously. It is, after all, a glamorous-sounding profession. I think the best thing is that each of the kids are free to do whatever they really want. Kay will work for Amnesty, HRW or the UN. She's going to be done with her MA next June. Four hours younger than I am. Oh, this was supposed to be a positive entry. I am glad that some people are going to realise their ambitions; that they don't really care what their families think of them. Or rather, their families are intelligent enough not to keep them in a stranglehold of their own ideals and dreams. I mean, Fa...

I talked to Sarah online about what M did and first of all, I am shocked that she took it into her stride. I mean, exactly how many times has a bloke signed off with writing ' lurrve' to her? I keep spelling it like that because that is what he wrote and what he meant. It's different from love - even I know that. Well, anyway, she told me to ignore it and pretend that it didn't affect me at all. So I told her that I want it out in the open and to tell him that 'you shouldn't say something you don't mean because people will take it the wrong way - like I did'. So, she tells me that she knew I'd say something like that. Again, I was gobsmacked. Does she know me that well? I certainly don't know her that well that I would never be able to predict what she would or wouldn't do. I mean, to me, each of her actions is new and surprising. That just goes to show how utterly self-absorbed I am. I HATE THAT. Why can't I break out of my self-impose...