There was really no reason for it. Well, except for the fact that I had slept three hours in the early evening. So I tried sleeping at 11, did not work. Woke up, tried to read, couldn't for very long. Back to bed, back to reading. Heard a car drive by at 12:15 am (God knows what kind of job that person has). Then it hit me to sit on the window ledge as I used to all those years ago. It just hit me that I used to be so excited just being in London, breathing in the crisp or balmy air (depending on the season). Imagining what I would be doing the next day. Of course, never did nothing but I suppose that is my greatest fault. According to the ColorQuiz it is and I am fed up of it, the bloody know-it-all. Tells me that I am unrealistic in my aims and goals and I fear failure (or maybe that's my enneagram) and that I think others having a better time of it than I am. I fear success as well. Ha ha. Well, you're right. So now what? You've delved into my psyche, you know that I am permanently nervously prostrated. I am afraid to make fresh aims and goals, I have been over stimulated and want peace and quiet. Yet I am agitated. Fuck off.
So I sat on the window ledge at 1 am and there were two houses on the opposite side of the street (obviously) where the people were still awake because the living lights were still on. What kind of jobs do these people have? It wasn't at all romantic because I had no dreams of flying somewhere else or being somebody. So I tried sleeping again. Looked at photographs, tried deep breathing. Finally dozed off at 3 to be woken by mon seigneur at 6.
So all I've accomplished is two loads of laundry and hours of Monty Python and Eddie the Izzard. I have however not listened to a single song today. It was due to some thinking I did last night. The music is turning me insane. Even though I do love the Celtic and the bagpipes and the classical - it's the one I'll miss the most (not even Darren Hayes). I have to. Eid is round the corner, so is Muharram and Ashura and Safar. I have no self respect, then at least for Imam Hussein. I actually asked Hazrat Abbas for strength.
But I didn't pray today. It's been six weeks, same amount of time as my dad has had that wretched cough. I was talking to Fatema today trying to eliminate lung cancer, tuberculosis, bronchitis, pneumonia. She told me about the clubbing of fingers and all I could think is how dastardly it is. It just hit me how serious this is. So I rang Mummy up and asked her to find out from someone what on Earth could be the matter.
There were a few sparrows taking a bath in the water pipe on our roof. So cute. And there was a blackbird in our garden in the morning. Eating grubs.
I am seriously sleep deprived and really hope that she forgets to ring me tonight. I'll speak to her tomorrow. I just spoke to her and she's been having blurred vision and couldn't see for three minutes today. She's still with the Greek boy unfortunately. I really wish she would break up with him.
How on Earth can anyone fall in love with a human being, with all the physical and character flaws we have? I've been looking at myself today and feeling sick. How can anyone find a human being attractive from close up? We are disgusting animals. I see that I am getting into the same frame of mind that I was in last year.
Maybe I do have SAD. I've eaten a lot of carbs today.
So I sat on the window ledge at 1 am and there were two houses on the opposite side of the street (obviously) where the people were still awake because the living lights were still on. What kind of jobs do these people have? It wasn't at all romantic because I had no dreams of flying somewhere else or being somebody. So I tried sleeping again. Looked at photographs, tried deep breathing. Finally dozed off at 3 to be woken by mon seigneur at 6.
So all I've accomplished is two loads of laundry and hours of Monty Python and Eddie the Izzard. I have however not listened to a single song today. It was due to some thinking I did last night. The music is turning me insane. Even though I do love the Celtic and the bagpipes and the classical - it's the one I'll miss the most (not even Darren Hayes). I have to. Eid is round the corner, so is Muharram and Ashura and Safar. I have no self respect, then at least for Imam Hussein. I actually asked Hazrat Abbas for strength.
But I didn't pray today. It's been six weeks, same amount of time as my dad has had that wretched cough. I was talking to Fatema today trying to eliminate lung cancer, tuberculosis, bronchitis, pneumonia. She told me about the clubbing of fingers and all I could think is how dastardly it is. It just hit me how serious this is. So I rang Mummy up and asked her to find out from someone what on Earth could be the matter.
There were a few sparrows taking a bath in the water pipe on our roof. So cute. And there was a blackbird in our garden in the morning. Eating grubs.
I am seriously sleep deprived and really hope that she forgets to ring me tonight. I'll speak to her tomorrow. I just spoke to her and she's been having blurred vision and couldn't see for three minutes today. She's still with the Greek boy unfortunately. I really wish she would break up with him.
How on Earth can anyone fall in love with a human being, with all the physical and character flaws we have? I've been looking at myself today and feeling sick. How can anyone find a human being attractive from close up? We are disgusting animals. I see that I am getting into the same frame of mind that I was in last year.
Maybe I do have SAD. I've eaten a lot of carbs today.
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