I talked to Sarah online about what M did and first of all, I am shocked that she took it into her stride. I mean, exactly how many times has a bloke signed off with writing 'lurrve' to her? I keep spelling it like that because that is what he wrote and what he meant. It's different from love - even I know that.
Well, anyway, she told me to ignore it and pretend that it didn't affect me at all. So I told her that I want it out in the open and to tell him that 'you shouldn't say something you don't mean because people will take it the wrong way - like I did'.
So, she tells me that she knew I'd say something like that. Again, I was gobsmacked. Does she know me that well? I certainly don't know her that well that I would never be able to predict what she would or wouldn't do. I mean, to me, each of her actions is new and surprising. That just goes to show how utterly self-absorbed I am. I HATE THAT. Why can't I break out of my self-imposed shackles in order to take part in this fucking world?
Anyway, I think, for a radical change, I am going to follow her advice completely. It's not that I can trust my own 'intuition' these days. It's shot and I am just too aggressive and intense for anybody 'sane'.
After spending more time on figuring out his personality, I feel it's like my older aunt's. He's a sanguine, a performer, a clown. He likes to be happy and make others happy. He doesn't like talking about feelings or intuitive topics, the bloody ESFP. So, to take him to task would just piss him off and gob smack him. He just won't see what the fuss is all about. You're just too intense for all the blokes you know. And how many is that, exactly? ONE.
I was going crazy.
And then I chat with H and she tells me she's been prescribed fluoxetine since a month and is seeing her shrink twice a month. How I hate not to be there for her. She's not good at talking about how she feels, either. I'm going to ring her tomorrow and try to help her as much as I can.
I really hate being an INFP. You are alone in a crowd, you are an intruder in your own thoughts. And when it is compounded with depression, then I can't even figure out what is really me and what is the illness.
I think Jamie from Empire of the Sun is an INFP. That's why I love him so.
They ridicule the quest for an ideal, my soul mate, but screw them. He's out there and he better come looking for me soon. I know I'm stuck at home but that doesn't stop him from finding me. He had better have a kick-ass accent, too :)
Should I email M now, when I am too sleepy and emotional and listening to love songs or wait till tomorrow? I think tomorrow will be better. I already sent him the play list for Children of Heaven and he probably has been swamped with so much stuff so that he hasn't even watched it. To write a script with that simplicity and that much heart.
I can't believe that I have spent so much of my life thinking that to be grown-up, one has to be hard-hearted, completely independent of others and ruthless. What a croc.
I'm just thinking that if I spend so much energy in finding out all there is about personality, will I ever have the chance to use it to benefit even one person who has been even half as miserable as I have while they are young and strong? In order that they might love themselves for who they are? Stop someone from committing suicide? Help someone to achieve the best they can? Succeed in whichever way they define it? But not be too intense.
Oh God. I said I wanted to gain knowledge, I just didn't realise it was going to be quite so introspective, draining and worthless in the world. It's only helping me slightly. Help me to figure it out and give me the strength to bear this knowledge. I have none of my own.
Or maybe all this upheaval is just the reaction to my meds. I don't know if you start again after a two day gap, whether all the side effects reignite. It sure feels like it.
Well, anyway, she told me to ignore it and pretend that it didn't affect me at all. So I told her that I want it out in the open and to tell him that 'you shouldn't say something you don't mean because people will take it the wrong way - like I did'.
So, she tells me that she knew I'd say something like that. Again, I was gobsmacked. Does she know me that well? I certainly don't know her that well that I would never be able to predict what she would or wouldn't do. I mean, to me, each of her actions is new and surprising. That just goes to show how utterly self-absorbed I am. I HATE THAT. Why can't I break out of my self-imposed shackles in order to take part in this fucking world?
Anyway, I think, for a radical change, I am going to follow her advice completely. It's not that I can trust my own 'intuition' these days. It's shot and I am just too aggressive and intense for anybody 'sane'.
After spending more time on figuring out his personality, I feel it's like my older aunt's. He's a sanguine, a performer, a clown. He likes to be happy and make others happy. He doesn't like talking about feelings or intuitive topics, the bloody ESFP. So, to take him to task would just piss him off and gob smack him. He just won't see what the fuss is all about. You're just too intense for all the blokes you know. And how many is that, exactly? ONE.
I was going crazy.
And then I chat with H and she tells me she's been prescribed fluoxetine since a month and is seeing her shrink twice a month. How I hate not to be there for her. She's not good at talking about how she feels, either. I'm going to ring her tomorrow and try to help her as much as I can.
I really hate being an INFP. You are alone in a crowd, you are an intruder in your own thoughts. And when it is compounded with depression, then I can't even figure out what is really me and what is the illness.
I think Jamie from Empire of the Sun is an INFP. That's why I love him so.
They ridicule the quest for an ideal, my soul mate, but screw them. He's out there and he better come looking for me soon. I know I'm stuck at home but that doesn't stop him from finding me. He had better have a kick-ass accent, too :)
Should I email M now, when I am too sleepy and emotional and listening to love songs or wait till tomorrow? I think tomorrow will be better. I already sent him the play list for Children of Heaven and he probably has been swamped with so much stuff so that he hasn't even watched it. To write a script with that simplicity and that much heart.
I can't believe that I have spent so much of my life thinking that to be grown-up, one has to be hard-hearted, completely independent of others and ruthless. What a croc.
I'm just thinking that if I spend so much energy in finding out all there is about personality, will I ever have the chance to use it to benefit even one person who has been even half as miserable as I have while they are young and strong? In order that they might love themselves for who they are? Stop someone from committing suicide? Help someone to achieve the best they can? Succeed in whichever way they define it? But not be too intense.
Oh God. I said I wanted to gain knowledge, I just didn't realise it was going to be quite so introspective, draining and worthless in the world. It's only helping me slightly. Help me to figure it out and give me the strength to bear this knowledge. I have none of my own.
Or maybe all this upheaval is just the reaction to my meds. I don't know if you start again after a two day gap, whether all the side effects reignite. It sure feels like it.
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