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I ought to have a stake driven into my heart.


She told my mum in private that she loves me as a daughter; and that whenever the family talk about me, they talk with love. "Meri bahu to hai achhi lekin Sukaina ki baat kuch aur hai".

This just goes completely over my head. I don't feel that love; I feel judgement and derision. And I know in my head that I am wrong. But what do I do about the heart? There was always a certain peace and tranquillity when they came over. It sometimes felt like an exorcism of all the hatred, shahwa and conflict. Mind you, just sometimes. Then again, that usually occurs with most guests.

I am thinking that I am projecting all the hatred and disgust I feel about my own Self onto these other people, good and generous people. Easy targets. They'll forgive me? It doesn't harm them? God knows.

I am 25 years old and no longer have the God-given respite of youthful ignorance and delusion. I can no longer say "I don't know any better". I know better, my mind is clicking away with my super-ego and my id at it 24/7. Where my ego is, I have no clue.

F mentioned "splitting" of a personality in her previous email. That is so apt. I personally have used the words "smashed" and "cracked" but I guess they all describe the same phenomenon. I'll look it up and get back to to you.

And, yes, Tarzan, I am an ace at catastrophizing. Any scary stories or movie scripts you want to make with horrible outcomes, I'd be a good person to come to for ideas.
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