Gradually imploding on the inside. Gotten used to doing nothing, being nothing. Days merge, weeks merge, months even. Same old dipshit. I've dropped the positive activities but at least haven't started too many bad ones. Except that of wasting time and not helping. I'm sure there are others.
Going to once again have to unlearn the things that were self-taught. They make no sense anymore. Not that the things unlearned before will be useful again. So it's this constant process of learning, trusting one's gut, only to be forced to unlearn in the face of others' experience and knowledge.
So lonely. Dislike myself, dislike others. Not there for myself, not for others. But that's another hypocritical tangent.
Just found out that dysthymia treatment takes 2-5 years, both pills and talk therapy. Can't go to a friend's wedding. Not even sure I want to anymore.
Incoherence, lack of coordination, desperation to be pitied and sympathised with, no social intelligence - this desire to be authentic to all, all of the time: it denotes the opposite of intelligence, ignorance.
I've lost the other faces.
I'm glad I didn't fork out money to watch Atonement at the cinema. Worse than the book. A culture I have no wish to understand, perhaps because I can't. I don't understand a lot of ways of life; it scares me, this ignorance.
No understanding of the past, the present, or of God and of him (AS).
Puis, tout est perdu. Le coeur est devenue un sac noir, crawling with black beetles and festering on, feeding on itself. The brain is losing all elasticity, short-term memory is shot, long-term memory fading away.
Don't know why I went to university. To fill my head with pointless opinions which I don't really have? If I had taken a science or business, I would have skills to sell. As my aunt says with glee, what's the use of taking English as a degree, especially when you don't want to teach?
I took out an istekhara for it: to take English, to go to Canada. Heaven, it said. Soar the skies and God will be pleased.
And that's it: blind faith after seeing faith. You accept Him, you accept His authority, His love and His plans. He's still talking to me, but I've shut down all my senses. He's still rooting for me, but I've chosen to ignore it.
That's the only explanation I can fathom right now. Help me help myself. There's got to be a reason for my continuing existence in this homeostasis.
People getting blown up for no good reason, other people spreading so much bloody hate. People can't afford flour for roti. And my reluctance to have anything to do with any NGOs is surprisingly militant.
It's a tough job unveiling these hypocricies, the tussle between child, adult and parent.
But my being like this since age 10... makes sense I can't form an aim. Too late.
It's actually inferiority covered by grandiosity. That I can understand. I know I can't do anything so I fool myself into thinking that I require some undefinable, out of this world kind of job that would be the ultimate fulfillment and further define my place in the world. What a crap way of thinking I have chosen.
Going to once again have to unlearn the things that were self-taught. They make no sense anymore. Not that the things unlearned before will be useful again. So it's this constant process of learning, trusting one's gut, only to be forced to unlearn in the face of others' experience and knowledge.
So lonely. Dislike myself, dislike others. Not there for myself, not for others. But that's another hypocritical tangent.
Just found out that dysthymia treatment takes 2-5 years, both pills and talk therapy. Can't go to a friend's wedding. Not even sure I want to anymore.
Incoherence, lack of coordination, desperation to be pitied and sympathised with, no social intelligence - this desire to be authentic to all, all of the time: it denotes the opposite of intelligence, ignorance.
I've lost the other faces.
I'm glad I didn't fork out money to watch Atonement at the cinema. Worse than the book. A culture I have no wish to understand, perhaps because I can't. I don't understand a lot of ways of life; it scares me, this ignorance.
No understanding of the past, the present, or of God and of him (AS).
Puis, tout est perdu. Le coeur est devenue un sac noir, crawling with black beetles and festering on, feeding on itself. The brain is losing all elasticity, short-term memory is shot, long-term memory fading away.
Don't know why I went to university. To fill my head with pointless opinions which I don't really have? If I had taken a science or business, I would have skills to sell. As my aunt says with glee, what's the use of taking English as a degree, especially when you don't want to teach?
I took out an istekhara for it: to take English, to go to Canada. Heaven, it said. Soar the skies and God will be pleased.
And that's it: blind faith after seeing faith. You accept Him, you accept His authority, His love and His plans. He's still talking to me, but I've shut down all my senses. He's still rooting for me, but I've chosen to ignore it.
That's the only explanation I can fathom right now. Help me help myself. There's got to be a reason for my continuing existence in this homeostasis.
People getting blown up for no good reason, other people spreading so much bloody hate. People can't afford flour for roti. And my reluctance to have anything to do with any NGOs is surprisingly militant.
It's a tough job unveiling these hypocricies, the tussle between child, adult and parent.
But my being like this since age 10... makes sense I can't form an aim. Too late.
It's actually inferiority covered by grandiosity. That I can understand. I know I can't do anything so I fool myself into thinking that I require some undefinable, out of this world kind of job that would be the ultimate fulfillment and further define my place in the world. What a crap way of thinking I have chosen.
Comments
Somehow, i think each person including myself feels this way...do u know u have a beautiful expression..even though its dark..i actually shuddered at the thoughts u put into words...somehow felt them crawl up my skin..cold feelings..cant imagine the hurt, the loneliness, the hopelessness... but i hope u can explain it to me..luv u...ure truly talented. Keep writing.