Isle of Skye

It's been a hard three weeks since my amr bil maroof and nahy anil munkar and realization of sin. and i did it again yday and then i told You please i can't take it anymore. i don't want to have her voice in my head. thinking she is right and i am wrong. we aren't, either of us. I'll say it: if only i had had just had enough backbone and not gone.

ya allah help me. i am overwhelmed and it's not happy ever after and i don't know where to turn.

Oh lord, i complain to you today for the loneliness that i feel inspite of having both parents alive, both aunts and uncle alive and having imam mehdi here. i complain to you of the lack of love within my heart and for the scarcity of good friends whom i can get along with and who are also mohib e ali and momin. i complain to you of a nafs which always commands to evil and i follow and i complain of shaytan who has me feeling isolated from your help. i complain to you of me being who i am - not as i would like not as you like. i thank you for where i am because things could be worse. help me.

there is none more unfortunate than myself Making it Public Informing others of one’s sins and relating about them to other people is a greater sin. Also announcing a sin is an insult to Allah (S.w.T.)’s command. The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, “One who performs a good deed and keeps it a secret will be rewarded seventy times (than if he has announced it). And one who commits a sin and makes it public (due to shamelessness or ignorance of religious law) will be disgraced by Allah. (That is, he will not get the Tawfīq of repentance and he will remain deprived of Allah’s kindness and Mercy) but if he keeps it secret (due to shame) he will be forgiven.” (al-Kāfi Vol. 1, page 428)

I made a mistake yesterday and my mind is going over and over it. It was a mistake, NOT a sin. my reasoning was that we had enough food and fruit. it later came to be that it was not adequate.so now i am writing down the quotes that i need to remember.i have a long way to go. "This book's main purpose is not to add new information or beliefs to your mind or to try to convince you of anything, but to bring about a shift in consciousness, that is to say, to awaken" - Page 6 "Only by awakening can you know the true meaning of that word" - Page 7 "An essential part of the awakening is the recognition of the unawakened you, the ego as it thinks, speaks, and acts, as well as the recognition of the collectively conditioned mental processes that perpetuate the unawakened state" - Page 7 "...unless you know the basic mechanisms behind the workings of the ego, you won't recognize it, and it will trick you into identifying with it again and again" ...

yesterday a switch was turned inside of me. now i no longer have the blessing of that immense amount of guilt that i have all of this whereas the people in the psychiatric ward have to live like that. i am back in the physical plane. i want balance.this fear that Allah will snatch it all, my love, affection of my mum..... it's muted. but is that good? it doesn't matter. i have to accept. Allah spoke to me through Taz. i don't know how i could just say yes i am angry and i do hate myself and that's okay. what's wrong with it? there's so many things that's wrong with it. it takes you away from god, because you hate Him. you think it's ok to abuse yourself through hitting yourself and whipping yourself (figuratively, through the mind) and then it's so easy to do it to another. and then i know my crimes. and yet, now they seem smaller. and that's NOT how i want it. i need to realise the importance of namaz, yoga, meditation and alpha level for ...

you know what i realised, the saying "treat others as you would yourself want to be treated" works only when you have high self esteem. if you have low self esteem then maybe you don't think you deserve to eat well, and so you perspective makes you think well then others don't either - what's the use? i noticed this in my thinking a few days ago. we had a guest at our house for ramadhan and iftaar. she was sleeping. it was 4 pm and the electricity went off. and i was already angry - i had a fir of anger - and it just never occurred to me to switch on he generator, because i thought ok fine that's how it is. it never occurred to me and it also occurred to me that "Well we all have to bear with hardship sometime" never occurred that god would forgive me for a few sins had i thought of her comfort - i just resented her that the AC is on full time when she's there and she doesn't even say no. omg. where is my islam? i have horrible manners, no ma...