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12 Ramadhan

you know what i realised, the saying "treat others as you would yourself want to be treated" works only when you have high self esteem. if you have low self esteem then maybe you don't think you deserve to eat well, and so you perspective makes you think well then others don't either - what's the use? i noticed this in my thinking a few days ago. we had a guest at our house for ramadhan and iftaar. she was sleeping. it was 4 pm and the electricity went off. and i was already angry - i had a fir of anger - and it just never occurred to me to switch on he generator, because i thought ok fine that's how it is. it never occurred to me and it also occurred to me that "Well we all have to bear with hardship sometime" never occurred that god would forgive me for a few sins had i thought of her comfort - i just resented her that the AC is on full time when she's there and she doesn't even say no. omg. where is my islam? i have horrible manners, no manner - my negative thoughts and words and behaviour.

in islam we have everything in detail. i may find it cumbersome and rigid but that's how it is.

i have totally ruined all my lives.

wather is really good today. there is no love in our family. except my parents love me. but i realised something. when my reiki teacher said something about my living with my parents and not earning so i have no say, i thought well what's wrong with it? but i realise: both parents have completely conflicting ways of dealing with their lives and me trying to adapt i can't anymore because i am no longer a child who thinks that they are right, or that i have to listen to them. i don't know. the dynamics are different.

what on earth have i done to myself.

i just slammed the door in the face of a child rather than talk him out of coming in the room because i feel i can't control the situation. i tentatively invited someone for iftaar but now won't want to tell her which day because i saw how ill mannered and ill equipped my family are in dealing with guests at iftaar, plain rude and no respect for ourselves, for others. and they always cook too much food so it's still in the fridge after a week. i don't want to invite until the food is finished. which it never will, because she keeps making fresh food.

i know this is all ridiculous and i didn't think of these things before i got like this. only Allah can help me.

ps i really do want to invite her over. please let me get well enough to do so. i might lose another friend otherwise.

PPS surah lail made me feel at peace, i was also able to meditate yday. there is hope.

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