I cried in the shower today. These were the tears of genuine grief. Of genuine loneliness and sadness.
The grief that I feel is moreso the existential grief of being alive in such a messed up, harsh and dark world with so much that is wrong and not working well for me.
That the people I meet are so messed up - because they are. They are not the people who follow any proper scripts on manners and consciousness and one cannot control a single thing. Which would be okay if people were sane and had some divine consciousness and their true authentic essence within.
But they don't. This timeline is one where good and evil are becoming so defined, whereby we MUST clear all the rubbish we are carrying.
Today I feel more like myself, and that is why the tears were coming. It was homecoming.
The love I feel in my heart is my love, my true energy - the energy of Allah swt. And I don't want to let it go, I don't want all this crap energy that these people in London keep generating and carrying around, I want absolutely none of it within me or around me.
Which means I will need to find a way to move and to be in a high frequency in order to move and travel.
I truly envy Timothee Chalamet his life. People appreciate him for who he is and he got whatever he needed to become an actor, he even was paid to learn Italian and piano and all of that.
I want that energy to be my energy, that luck to be mine.
CIT has finished, I forgot to even say salaam to them and didn't feel like giving a big old speech at the end.
For a weak moment, I was hoping to connect more with one of the participants, but it was the tiredness and some really old patterns that keep coming up with the codependency.
The truth is I am never going to be one who wastes my time or other people's time any longer.
Sidra will get every evil back to her. It is how the order of the universe it.
Just do not allow me to forget or to fall back asleep.
I will no longer humiliate myself with these healers, and Ahlmeirah still needs to expand more and more. Perhaps it is true that a 7-7 charisma is a 7-7 charisma. It's not even that. I am so enraged that this is how I am living my life at age 38.
It's like society in general wanted me to fail so much I just obeyed it fully. I obeyed all of these really messed up souls and humans and just said, sure, torture me, rape me, take everything away from me so that my life has no meaning. I won't die but I won't do anything that makes life fun or worth living for myself.
The class on Monday was so bad. I am glad I left half way, although I am really pissed off at how my phone keeps changing the settings by itself with respect to the text I was sending to N.
Light is the best food for my soul.
I vow to always be at this base line frequency for this lifetime, unless a higher one is feasible.
I was obsessed with all the wrong things rather than healing because I never manifested the sensible people to heal me.
Sidra was both a high and the lowest point in my existence.
Never again. All of these insane souls, I ask for Allah's permission, compassion and love and mercy to remove all remaining shitty relationships, vows, energies, classmates (this is ALSO possible) and tutors.
What the heck did I do to deserve all these people with closed hearts, spiritual blockages and selfishness and lacking in manners?
Pakistanis, I met all the lower frequency ones the ones with shit for brains. Muslims, same. Energy workers and healers, same.
So fucking disappointing and this is coming from an entirely soul perspective. This is not arrogance.
Find a way to clear the karma and the pain and suffering programmes.
I am done.
I want to write and I want to learn how to write and how to create and how to bring Allah's light and all the good stuff and morals and music and art and colour and joy and sunshine and alignment and power and I want to go to university overseas.
Australia or the US.
 |
| Sedona, Arizona - bucket list |
I am done with London. Absolutely done with this callous and shitty place.
I am not free here and I always deserved to be free, just like everyone else.
Just like Saoirse Ronan and Timothee Chalamet. I am now finsihing watching Little Women. Jo and Laurie were always end-game for me. I never liked Amy.
I realised I took on a lot of programming from there and it was all the bad traits of Jo, not the good traits.
K is a powerful healer - I feel so much more like myself like I did at York Uni in 2006.
Insha'Allah I will now become and BE a powerful healer for myself and also respect and use the plants for healing tonight.
Sananga at least. Hape.
Really don't like the tai chi teacher though. What was I thinking? Money and dance movement.
How can I choose much higher frequencies and NOT be impacted by the rest of the crazy world and crazy healers who are all doing shirk and kufr.
Almost everyone went to Reiki and I wish I hadn't been so stupid and clueless, but I was.
Sacrificed my entire life to learn what NOT to do.
What a waste.
I am grateful for being able to take the writing course, that's the only reason I am now back here after dying for so many years.
I survived more attacks from the dark side, demons, jinn and the entire Dajjal system.
I will look for another one from April insha'Allah.
Guide me, Allah swt.
I know I have no one but You. Send me good people just as you have for the past few years.
And intelligent ones, wise ones.
Not angry ones.
Sufis. Really humble and powerful healers and seers and souls.
HEALED...
Comments