Until
I figure out the difference between the two groups (I have not been
able to watch the miracle chat with the details and no one has been able
to let me know in two sentences and that's perfectly okay) I shall post
here. :)
N.B. If you choose to read this, please note that it's a cry for help from God, since I am spent now).
Major father issues. He has not only increased his being-in-my-face, he
has begun insulting me freely, as though I were his ex-wife i.e. my
mother. He keeps calling em greedy, a pig and fat and he actually HIDES
the food he buys in his room so that I don't see it and eat it.
I haven't been able to change my living situation for three years - to a
better one. I have only realised today that I spend godawful hours at
the workplace when I don't even like my job or get remuneration for the
added hours because the other ugly alternative is coming home to the
father. I cannot speak to him like a normal human being, I do not make
eye contact. I now hardly like staying at home... being in my own living
space because he is ALWAYS here. I hardly get anything done at home... I
do not feel safe ehen he is here. When he is out... my entire being
heave a sigh of relief these days. I may have dense energy, but he does
too. My faith says honour your father and mother. This is something I
can not do.
Father still comes across as a monster, and mum? I
used to love her... now I don't want to visit her in Pakistan. I will
suffer if she passes on without my having seen her. I don't call her,
she is the one who calls me. I am not sure how this happened. My left
side issues are mother related, which I thought I had overcome, but I
haven't.
I have doubts any energy work will do - because it's a
two way street and if the biological father wants to interfere in my
ability to be at peace... he will. Long term knack of this man.
I need sincere prayers... because I feel stuck. It clears and things
seem to move forward... and then he turns on me like a vicious animal.
And I realise I am still in a stuck position with not enough money to
survive by myself and nowhere else to go.
I need to rid myself of this man and whatever karma that makes me still be around him.
There is no love in my heart for him... he insults and invades. And I
don't give a crap no more about stupid energy philosophies and
processes.
So many people I know have lead flowing lives
without ever, EVER needing a single energy clearing or process... so why
do any of us have to go through this? Philosphies and programming about
spirituality when all we need to do is ask God?
I have this
person I cannot rid myself of. It is a stuck position, he lies too. He
told me he would help me claim my tax money back because for some reason
I am unable to get my mind around the letter that needs to be written.
This was 7 months ago.
This is more than a mirror. This is just
not fair. I have tried so hard to be good and balance karma and do my
best... and yet... this is more than just basic tests and trials. I feel
he is sometimes very evil.
So I need prayers from any pure
soul who can spare one which will go straight to the heavens. I am out
of my depth and do not know what to do any more.
May you all be
blessed. I'm just out of my depth with this father issue. Which relates
to my being miserable in the workplace issue.
Sometimes all
of this seems like smoke and mirrors and mirages... This is already my
fifth month on the programme.... I really need to not have the father in
my life so I pray this can happen before my year is up. It will be
worth a lot of pennies invested when this happens. Can't stand him any
longer.
A part of me is being sucked dry.
N.B. If you choose to read this, please note that it's a cry for help from God, since I am spent now).
Major father issues. He has not only increased his being-in-my-face, he has begun insulting me freely, as though I were his ex-wife i.e. my mother. He keeps calling em greedy, a pig and fat and he actually HIDES the food he buys in his room so that I don't see it and eat it.
I haven't been able to change my living situation for three years - to a better one. I have only realised today that I spend godawful hours at the workplace when I don't even like my job or get remuneration for the added hours because the other ugly alternative is coming home to the father. I cannot speak to him like a normal human being, I do not make eye contact. I now hardly like staying at home... being in my own living space because he is ALWAYS here. I hardly get anything done at home... I do not feel safe ehen he is here. When he is out... my entire being heave a sigh of relief these days. I may have dense energy, but he does too. My faith says honour your father and mother. This is something I can not do.
Father still comes across as a monster, and mum? I used to love her... now I don't want to visit her in Pakistan. I will suffer if she passes on without my having seen her. I don't call her, she is the one who calls me. I am not sure how this happened. My left side issues are mother related, which I thought I had overcome, but I haven't.
I have doubts any energy work will do - because it's a two way street and if the biological father wants to interfere in my ability to be at peace... he will. Long term knack of this man.
I need sincere prayers... because I feel stuck. It clears and things seem to move forward... and then he turns on me like a vicious animal. And I realise I am still in a stuck position with not enough money to survive by myself and nowhere else to go.
I need to rid myself of this man and whatever karma that makes me still be around him.
There is no love in my heart for him... he insults and invades. And I don't give a crap no more about stupid energy philosophies and processes.
So many people I know have lead flowing lives without ever, EVER needing a single energy clearing or process... so why do any of us have to go through this? Philosphies and programming about spirituality when all we need to do is ask God?
I have this person I cannot rid myself of. It is a stuck position, he lies too. He told me he would help me claim my tax money back because for some reason I am unable to get my mind around the letter that needs to be written. This was 7 months ago.
This is more than a mirror. This is just not fair. I have tried so hard to be good and balance karma and do my best... and yet... this is more than just basic tests and trials. I feel he is sometimes very evil.
So I need prayers from any pure soul who can spare one which will go straight to the heavens. I am out of my depth and do not know what to do any more.
May you all be blessed. I'm just out of my depth with this father issue. Which relates to my being miserable in the workplace issue.
Sometimes all of this seems like smoke and mirrors and mirages... This is already my fifth month on the programme.... I really need to not have the father in my life so I pray this can happen before my year is up. It will be worth a lot of pennies invested when this happens. Can't stand him any longer.
A part of me is being sucked dry.
Macs Gomez Hi Sukaina Juma! Thank you for this post, for your honesty and pouring your heart in here. I wanted to tell you I LOVE YOU.
It's not easy to stay with the faith, it's not easy to follow this path, this is a test, we're tested all the time. Tough times do not last forever, but once it's over, you'll enjoy more than anything the good times! Stay with the faith, carry on sending love to people who challenge us, send love out, you can only receive good things back. I will hold your hand this time. xx
Jonathan Slade Will certainly send some prayers my dear. Really sorry to hear you are having such a crappy time.- Ian Courageous Dixon Sukaina Juma - - the Greeks used the term 'crisis' - as a meaning - a 'turning point' - to me this feels like a turning point for you - if you choose. It is safe to let go - of people - of beliefs - of old habits.... STOP ... listen to yourself ... and honour yourself by acting upon those deep feelings. 3 years ago I did that... my wife said I had gone insane, all our friends tried to save me, basically I chose to disconnect and become an outcast - to walk my own path - and in doing that I stopped at ashrams - some of which allow free living in return for work. For me it was a long, sometimes very hard, and sometimes very beautiful, journey... and I have NO REGRETS. My mantra ... I choose to live from a place of love and in awareness and truth. I open in totality to the beauty of love and life. I am safe. sending hugs and a prayer.
Ian Courageous Dixon and the sun still rises in the morning, and the rain still waters the plants, the bees still fly and the flowers .... they bloom ... maybe you too are about to bloom
Lesley Seager Hi Sukaina, pray for him (I know it goes against the grain but it works for me) I love you Sukaina and I will pray for you too xx
Penelope Duncan Hi Suki remember no one is the keeper of your emotions take control of what you allow yourself to get affected by And ask what you can do to change to change the situation we all teach people how to treat us change your paradigm and things will shift don't get caught up in his shit and pray that he to may find what he searches for I am praying for you both to find love and empathy big hugs xxx
Deborah Roberts Reading this felt like reading my own reality exactly 6months ago Sukaina all I can do is share from experiences and if I would go back and speak to me all those months ago I would ask myself to stick with it, to work on me and to forgive myself, even on the day I moved out following ten years of hiding food and telling me im too thin and must eat and then being angry when i ate both my parents were verbally abusive to me about who i am today calling me selfish and my choices so I decided to make peace with it and I love me enough to let them be now I realised either one of two things would happen either i would stop the journey to awaken and make peace with the decision to continue to please everyone around me and pay multiple therapists to fix me when i got so depressed i couldnt leave the house or i would be true to myself and take it one step at a time and have patience with myself i decided to show myself all the character traits that i kept wanting others to show me and i decided that nothing will get in the way of me attending every single event i missed my cousins wedding to be at PTP and my family did not like that accept for one aunt who wrote me a letter saying she was proud of me for committing to myself love love love you and thank you for sharing here this too shall pass and I am where I am I am who I am would help us to stay present in each moment xxxxx
Hello,
you! If you choose to read this, I thank you. Please Teflon coat or
protect yourself with thougsands of angels. This is a lot of heavy,
yucky releasing and it needs to be done here and now. May you release
whatever this triggers within you. I am not just doing this for me,
right? :) At the core of this, I really do care about you all too!
I forgive myself for being who I am and where I am. I forgive myself
for people pleasing and still beleiving in separation and difference
betwen me and everyone else. I forgive myself for choosing to come to
Earth when it was unlikely I would learn to live my life this time
around. I forgive myself for not getting it, for still being alone and
lonely. I forgive myself for everything, I forgive my life for
everything, I am willing to forgive everyone for everything, I forgive
my fears for everything, I forgive my judgements for everything, I
forgive those parts of me that make me lose my senses.
I am
grateful for still choosing to fast for a month in Ramadhan... so that I
may weaken the ego more, gain the closeness to God that I crave and yet
deny myself. I am at peace with the fact that this means I might not be
able to go to the places I really wanted to, or attend the TA energy
workshop at the end of the month. I am at peace that I will always be
asked to choose between what I 'know' would benefit and what really
would benefit and not having a clue what to do. I amke peace with the
fact taht neither religion nor spirituality nor being myself have
afforded me the freedoms I desire. Instead I am ashamed for it all, for
being religious, pagan, spiritual and for thsoe trying tiems whereby I
deny everything. I forgive myself for not being able to connect to my
ritual prayers, the healing team, my cosmic support team, the saints,
angels, everything that used to bring me peace.
Maybe something really wonderful will happen for me that same weekend.
I forgive myself for being so damned weak, flawed, human, stubborn, too
intelligent and yet dumb as dumb can be. I forgive myself for taking
off the head veil and modest clothing and STILL having people comment on
it, especially random people from my former university who Google me
and then write personal letters to my office email address :p (crazy
guy!). For not being comfortable in my own skin, for not knowing what
that is... so I manifest tthe skin conditions again.
I forgive
myself for being here on this planet and not making peace with it, or
not knowing how to navigate this life. For feeling so SEPARATE.
I forgive myself for not having allowed myself things, experiences,
knowledge, courses, holidays, basic birthday presents and now regretting
my false sense of modesty and humility. Or regretting that part of me
that allowed myself to get half-gifts, such as them broken during
posting and handling, or something else. I make peace and will not feel
deprived.
I forgive myself for having such an acute sense of
povery consciousness, that it becomes so obvious that other people
notice and might feel they need to pay for me.
I forgive myself
for giving to people who will not receive, for giving gifts to people
who will not receive and then feeling crappy about their rejection and
THEN just realising I still have two friends who recently got married
and I haven't given them ANYTHING. WTF.
I forgive myself for
feeling so afraid and so self conscious and terrified of whatever, that I
stuff myself and eat to the point I sometimes feel I could kill myself
with the amount of food I eat to make myself feel better. I forgive
myself of eating the equivalent in a day that would feed a starving
family for a week.
I forgive myself for my deciet, my
hypocrisy, my codependency, my judgements, my feeling that nothing is
ever good enough, my humanity, my vileness. I forgive ymself for the
thoughts I still have that poison my body and my perspective and the way
I lead my life.
I forgive myself not not being able to get
myself together, so that means that the people I apparently am the
lightworker of... don't get their contracts fulfilled. So they are in
the mud whilst I am in the mud.
I forgive myself for not being able to get a new phone, or other basics, for delaying, or for lusting after the material goods.
I forgive myself for being blind in my eyes, third eye, heart, throat and deaf in my ears.
I forgive myself for all the illusion and black and white thinking I
have ever believed in and all of it that I still believe in.
I
forgive myself for not going on holiday this year. For thinking that be
cause there is no one to go with, I can't go to Glastonbury in the
summer. For thinking Turkey is too unrealistic. I forgive myself for
loving Rumi and Ali and not being able to visit their graves.
I
forgive myself for everything that I have in my energy that is
affecting the quality of my life. I forgive myself for not knowing how
to maintain relationships and friendships.
I forgive myself for
not seeing Imran for he was at the time, and for still regretting my
mistake. And for still serving the karma of the mistakes. I forgive
myself for cutting off communication from everyone and I am at peace
with the fact that they may never forgive me or interact with me in the
way that makes me feel comfortable and safe. I forgive myself for
cutting myself off from my two friends who are the only ones who See me
and Love me. I forgive myself for not being able to receive this from
them.
I forgive myself for being myself. For it all. For all of it. Even for this ridiculously long ass post.
I am grateful for it all.
And now.... breathe in. And enjoy the photo which I feel reflects wheer I am in this moment! :D
Love ♥
I forgive myself for being who I am and where I am. I forgive myself for people pleasing and still beleiving in separation and difference betwen me and everyone else. I forgive myself for choosing to come to Earth when it was unlikely I would learn to live my life this time around. I forgive myself for not getting it, for still being alone and lonely. I forgive myself for everything, I forgive my life for everything, I am willing to forgive everyone for everything, I forgive my fears for everything, I forgive my judgements for everything, I forgive those parts of me that make me lose my senses.
I am grateful for still choosing to fast for a month in Ramadhan... so that I may weaken the ego more, gain the closeness to God that I crave and yet deny myself. I am at peace with the fact that this means I might not be able to go to the places I really wanted to, or attend the TA energy workshop at the end of the month. I am at peace that I will always be asked to choose between what I 'know' would benefit and what really would benefit and not having a clue what to do. I amke peace with the fact taht neither religion nor spirituality nor being myself have afforded me the freedoms I desire. Instead I am ashamed for it all, for being religious, pagan, spiritual and for thsoe trying tiems whereby I deny everything. I forgive myself for not being able to connect to my ritual prayers, the healing team, my cosmic support team, the saints, angels, everything that used to bring me peace.
Maybe something really wonderful will happen for me that same weekend.
I forgive myself for being so damned weak, flawed, human, stubborn, too intelligent and yet dumb as dumb can be. I forgive myself for taking off the head veil and modest clothing and STILL having people comment on it, especially random people from my former university who Google me and then write personal letters to my office email address :p (crazy guy!). For not being comfortable in my own skin, for not knowing what that is... so I manifest tthe skin conditions again.
I forgive myself for being here on this planet and not making peace with it, or not knowing how to navigate this life. For feeling so SEPARATE.
I forgive myself for not having allowed myself things, experiences, knowledge, courses, holidays, basic birthday presents and now regretting my false sense of modesty and humility. Or regretting that part of me that allowed myself to get half-gifts, such as them broken during posting and handling, or something else. I make peace and will not feel deprived.
I forgive myself for having such an acute sense of povery consciousness, that it becomes so obvious that other people notice and might feel they need to pay for me.
I forgive myself for giving to people who will not receive, for giving gifts to people who will not receive and then feeling crappy about their rejection and THEN just realising I still have two friends who recently got married and I haven't given them ANYTHING. WTF.
I forgive myself for feeling so afraid and so self conscious and terrified of whatever, that I stuff myself and eat to the point I sometimes feel I could kill myself with the amount of food I eat to make myself feel better. I forgive myself of eating the equivalent in a day that would feed a starving family for a week.
I forgive myself for my deciet, my hypocrisy, my codependency, my judgements, my feeling that nothing is ever good enough, my humanity, my vileness. I forgive ymself for the thoughts I still have that poison my body and my perspective and the way I lead my life.
I forgive myself not not being able to get myself together, so that means that the people I apparently am the lightworker of... don't get their contracts fulfilled. So they are in the mud whilst I am in the mud.
I forgive myself for not being able to get a new phone, or other basics, for delaying, or for lusting after the material goods.
I forgive myself for being blind in my eyes, third eye, heart, throat and deaf in my ears.
I forgive myself for all the illusion and black and white thinking I have ever believed in and all of it that I still believe in.
I forgive myself for not going on holiday this year. For thinking that be cause there is no one to go with, I can't go to Glastonbury in the summer. For thinking Turkey is too unrealistic. I forgive myself for loving Rumi and Ali and not being able to visit their graves.
I forgive myself for everything that I have in my energy that is affecting the quality of my life. I forgive myself for not knowing how to maintain relationships and friendships.
I forgive myself for not seeing Imran for he was at the time, and for still regretting my mistake. And for still serving the karma of the mistakes. I forgive myself for cutting off communication from everyone and I am at peace with the fact that they may never forgive me or interact with me in the way that makes me feel comfortable and safe. I forgive myself for cutting myself off from my two friends who are the only ones who See me and Love me. I forgive myself for not being able to receive this from them.
I forgive myself for being myself. For it all. For all of it. Even for this ridiculously long ass post.
I am grateful for it all.
And now.... breathe in. And enjoy the photo which I feel reflects wheer I am in this moment! :D
Love ♥
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