Giving Up Once-And-For-All
I’ve been reading through old journals, finding the ends of threads for
the book I am writing. It’s a humbling experience. Repeatedly-
sometimes only days apart- I have written in celebration and gratitude
about realizing an insight or perspective that seems to clear all
confusion and offer new possibilities for health and happiness. The
humbling part is that the content of these insights are often very
similar, if not identical to each other.
Reading, I groan and think, “Oh good grief! When am I going to get this once and for all?”
My friend, Peter Marmorek, teaches an online writing course. One of the
warm-ups he uses is- “What is the lesson you keep learning over and
over throughout your life?” The question assumes that forgetting and
re-discovering things we feel are significant is a universal experience,
and so perhaps not the personal failure we sometimes fear it is.
We spiritual types are fond of phrases like, “It’s about the journey,
not the destination.” So why are we so frustrated with relearning a core
truth, with “not getting anywhere?” Haven’t we already said there isn’t
anywhere to go, that it’s about being here, now?
I think our
frustration is harboured in a secret, semi-conscious, and very human
hope that there is a. . . . place (inner or outer) on the other side of
some critical spiritual or psychological experience or insight where we
will be. . . .different than we are, transformed into someone who
consistently embodies the spiritual values we hold dear- like love and
compassion.
Is there no truth to this? Are we doomed to repeat patterns of misery, misunderstanding and the co-creation of suffering?
Makes you want to just open a bag of Hersey Kisses (dark chocolate of
course) and lay down on the floor for a few moments. . . . or a week.
It’s a tricky business- leaving room for possibilities without grasping for signs of progress.
I often hear from people who’ve had experiences they feel are
awakenings- experiences of knowing at a bone-deep level the beauty of
life and their place in it. Often they are concerned, if not downright
frantic, that they're not going to be able to hang on to the feeling or
perspective their experiences have offered. They tell me, “I am afraid I
am going to forget.”
Sometimes I reply, “You will never
forget.” Other times I write, “You will forget, because that’s what
humans being do- we forget and remember, wake up and go back to sleep
over and over again.” Both things are true. We do forget and remember-
but on some level we never go back to sleep quite as deeply as we once
were, after we've had a moment of being truly awake. This is how we
learn and grow, in an ever-spiralling meander. I suspect that most of
the time we are too close, our noses pressed up against the details of
managing daily life, to see the bigger pattern clearly.
In "The
Awakened Heart," author Gerald May calls our moments of insight and
awakening “remembering love” and “homecomings.” He reminds us, “. . . .
it is one of the most precious experiences of living: to have been
kidnapped by some worry or striving and then suddenly to gracefully
returned home to the present moment, reminded of love.” He lays aside
wanting once-and-for- all learning, writing: “If the one great
homecoming were to happen too soon, I would so miss all the many little
ones.”
I go back to my journals and begin to see the blessing
of repeated homecomings- no two truly identical, each one slightly
nuanced but always buoying me up and pointing me back to remembering and
reconnecting with Life and Love.
Oriah (c) 2012
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