Another random post... since no inspiration is coming for nice things, channelled thoughts...
The energy, the lack of exericse, rested sleep and of social interaction is making me hyper and weird.
And that's perfect, too.
***
I bloody hate LinkedIn and its weekly email. Reminds me of Imran. Argh. Encourages that part of me to stalk him... so I did, because it said he added 5 new people.... and then I get some stupid childish girly satisfaction that he added that stalker girl who made my life weirder than it already was with him....a month after he added me :P The girl he fancied or something stupid like that...
I don't care! And there's no way of making it so they don't email me the weekly updates. I keep looking and can't see the link to cancel that weekly email.
Another day of... I woke at 10:30am.... have a cold. I've been doing a lot of energy calls. Three abundance calls in a week. I am shifting the job situation. It's ridiculous - people a lot less talented are earning a lot of money because they energetically are open to money... all I got was one and half days, and the lucky one to be chosen as first to leave. Which was perfect, since I got to spend time in nature, as essential to my well being as anything else. I was seriously exhausted.
I am seriously thinking of buying a ticket to Art's whole day clear ancestral programming - but it starts at 9am, they've changed the timing :P
Parts of me are girl, parts of me want to be wise and sensible.
You know what one website calls my expression number?
Expression Number 4 - organizer ,manager, builder, trustworthy, moralistic, good with money, good parent, idealistic, honest, dull, too serious And his? Expression Number 7 - analytical, philosophical, logical, private, secretive, introverted, critical, cynical, wise, perfectionist, distant, aloof *** I keep burning his name in my mind... and he keeps popping back. Is it because I'm trying too hard to rid myself of this stupid fantasy....? I don't NEED him! We're done balancing the karma! I could never by myself with him, he never let me be myself...!!! Why does he have to be the one it takes the most out of me to let go of? I only knew him for three months.... I really must have fucked with him in the previous lifetimes.... balancing of karma is all this is. And... fucked.
Tazeen, I knew for 15 years... and it was so easy.... let go, poof.
Ashiya, I was willing to let go, and she's a part of me that I need to appreciate and cherish and GIVE more to... I didn't let her talk (AGAIN!) when we finally spoke on 21 April 2012.
But the boys: Umair and Imran... I keep calling back. And, as I mentioned before, when I'm sending prayers for Umair, instead Imran's name keeps popping up, out of habit.
It's the just similar syllables... the M and all that. HABITS.
Change them!
***
So another day spent at home... on the PC.... eating. I need to take a shower - I think. Or maybe not. Err on side of caution, right? I want chocolate. So maybe go out to get some.
Leah texted me yesterday asking for help with a healing on her career. Thank God, someone needs me and I can actually deliver!!!
***
So that's that... and that's that... and that's that.
***
My mum called me at her midnight yesterday.. I asked her why she's up... she said she was online, checking her emails and went on FB and saw I had put the non hijabi photo back on my profile. I told her last week that I have taken it off... and when she was in shock, I heard Ashiya's words pouring forth to placate her... that i am a good person, even if I am not wearing hijab... that I am doing this with as much awareness as I have, and that's it... she hung up quietly...
So yesterday she tells me "I saw you put back the photo of you without hijab... I cried so much that day when you told me and I saw your photo on FB..... then I was happy you changed it, then you've put it back.. as a mother, it is my duty to tell you... and remember when I told you when you were 9 that it is your choice, but then you can't ever take it off.... people on my FB see your photo. I can't tell you, but I hope you change it. I'm going to sleep now, and pray for your guidance before I go to sleep."
Thank goodness I can see this for what it is now.
Does my mum love me or the fact that I wore hijab - so that when I no longer wear it, her entire image of me shatters?
I still haven't forgotten what she had told me with ref to Imran and taking out that ill fated istekhara... I will disown you if you go ahead with this without an istekhara... and I realised that a part of me, the 26 year old part, still blames her for what has happened with him. Blames myself for asking her and asking him, when I KNEW I didn't want to take one out.... so did some clearing for that.
Emotional blackmail, man...
When I told her that Imran got married... and that I had not had the courage to meet him and was ridiculing myself for it, whereas I finally met Ali.... she told me, weirdly, that "You have a pure heart, that's why..."
It's nice for her to finally recognise it, even though that's not the reason I didn't meet him. I was protecting my ass from the paranoid, cynical, aloof, distant, private, mean person. On a spiritual level. I went through hell.. but imagine how much it would have been had I had a proper relationship with him?
ALHAMDULILLAH.
***
Anyway, my point is that Sarah and my mum have both tried to change me... and that makes it even more important for me to stay without hijab. Call it stubbornness, rebellion, or me just choosing what I want.... This is what I mean about having people in my life who are asleep... and I can only empathise with them because I've done the same fucked up things with other people in my life.... thinking I was doing the right thing. HOW SCREWED UP. I hope I never do that again.
***
I didn't make Mother cry. She's just releasing density. My actions have no bearing on her, just has her two divorces and her neglect for me as a child had nothing to do with me, since I chose to experience all of it.
***
I really don't think she sees me as a proper human being, to be honest... with hopes, desires... a right to be human.
Lack of awareness.... think of how she must think of herself... and I am the heir of all this crap.
***
I think I am going to the ENLP thingy - the last day to buy the cheap tickets is Thursday. Allah, guide me aright. Need to release the BS.
My birthday money will cover the cost.
***
Carl called me randomly - at the right time, I was just going to send a HARSH email to Tamseela.... after what she wrote to me, pissed me off so much. He signed off by saying "Don't forget how brilliant you are," which I immediately parrotted back to him.
***
I didn't send the email, thank God. But told her I'd email when I was no longer angry. Talk about people who no longer serve me... I am itching to get rid of her..... but I still keep going back because I don't have anyone ELSE to talk to... and she is nice. But SO BLIND.
My SHADOW. ARGH. Even Marium, I want to get rid of her... don't know how. The fact that I owe both of them is stopping me..... ironic. They are either pulling me down, or showing me how much crap I still have inside of me that I am refusing to address and to let go of. They don't understand what I tell them. Argh. They depress me. they literally pull my energy down, to the point I feel as though there is no hope left...
I wish I was nicer. Whatever. ***
***
The energy, the lack of exericse, rested sleep and of social interaction is making me hyper and weird.
And that's perfect, too.
***
I bloody hate LinkedIn and its weekly email. Reminds me of Imran. Argh. Encourages that part of me to stalk him... so I did, because it said he added 5 new people.... and then I get some stupid childish girly satisfaction that he added that stalker girl who made my life weirder than it already was with him....a month after he added me :P The girl he fancied or something stupid like that...
I don't care! And there's no way of making it so they don't email me the weekly updates. I keep looking and can't see the link to cancel that weekly email.
Another day of... I woke at 10:30am.... have a cold. I've been doing a lot of energy calls. Three abundance calls in a week. I am shifting the job situation. It's ridiculous - people a lot less talented are earning a lot of money because they energetically are open to money... all I got was one and half days, and the lucky one to be chosen as first to leave. Which was perfect, since I got to spend time in nature, as essential to my well being as anything else. I was seriously exhausted.
I am seriously thinking of buying a ticket to Art's whole day clear ancestral programming - but it starts at 9am, they've changed the timing :P
Parts of me are girl, parts of me want to be wise and sensible.
You know what one website calls my expression number?
Expression Number 4 - organizer ,manager, builder, trustworthy, moralistic, good with money, good parent, idealistic, honest, dull, too serious And his? Expression Number 7 - analytical, philosophical, logical, private, secretive, introverted, critical, cynical, wise, perfectionist, distant, aloof *** I keep burning his name in my mind... and he keeps popping back. Is it because I'm trying too hard to rid myself of this stupid fantasy....? I don't NEED him! We're done balancing the karma! I could never by myself with him, he never let me be myself...!!! Why does he have to be the one it takes the most out of me to let go of? I only knew him for three months.... I really must have fucked with him in the previous lifetimes.... balancing of karma is all this is. And... fucked.
Tazeen, I knew for 15 years... and it was so easy.... let go, poof.
Ashiya, I was willing to let go, and she's a part of me that I need to appreciate and cherish and GIVE more to... I didn't let her talk (AGAIN!) when we finally spoke on 21 April 2012.
But the boys: Umair and Imran... I keep calling back. And, as I mentioned before, when I'm sending prayers for Umair, instead Imran's name keeps popping up, out of habit.
It's the just similar syllables... the M and all that. HABITS.
Change them!
***
So another day spent at home... on the PC.... eating. I need to take a shower - I think. Or maybe not. Err on side of caution, right? I want chocolate. So maybe go out to get some.
Leah texted me yesterday asking for help with a healing on her career. Thank God, someone needs me and I can actually deliver!!!
***
So that's that... and that's that... and that's that.
***
My mum called me at her midnight yesterday.. I asked her why she's up... she said she was online, checking her emails and went on FB and saw I had put the non hijabi photo back on my profile. I told her last week that I have taken it off... and when she was in shock, I heard Ashiya's words pouring forth to placate her... that i am a good person, even if I am not wearing hijab... that I am doing this with as much awareness as I have, and that's it... she hung up quietly...
So yesterday she tells me "I saw you put back the photo of you without hijab... I cried so much that day when you told me and I saw your photo on FB..... then I was happy you changed it, then you've put it back.. as a mother, it is my duty to tell you... and remember when I told you when you were 9 that it is your choice, but then you can't ever take it off.... people on my FB see your photo. I can't tell you, but I hope you change it. I'm going to sleep now, and pray for your guidance before I go to sleep."
Thank goodness I can see this for what it is now.
Does my mum love me or the fact that I wore hijab - so that when I no longer wear it, her entire image of me shatters?
I still haven't forgotten what she had told me with ref to Imran and taking out that ill fated istekhara... I will disown you if you go ahead with this without an istekhara... and I realised that a part of me, the 26 year old part, still blames her for what has happened with him. Blames myself for asking her and asking him, when I KNEW I didn't want to take one out.... so did some clearing for that.
Emotional blackmail, man...
When I told her that Imran got married... and that I had not had the courage to meet him and was ridiculing myself for it, whereas I finally met Ali.... she told me, weirdly, that "You have a pure heart, that's why..."
It's nice for her to finally recognise it, even though that's not the reason I didn't meet him. I was protecting my ass from the paranoid, cynical, aloof, distant, private, mean person. On a spiritual level. I went through hell.. but imagine how much it would have been had I had a proper relationship with him?
ALHAMDULILLAH.
***
Anyway, my point is that Sarah and my mum have both tried to change me... and that makes it even more important for me to stay without hijab. Call it stubbornness, rebellion, or me just choosing what I want.... This is what I mean about having people in my life who are asleep... and I can only empathise with them because I've done the same fucked up things with other people in my life.... thinking I was doing the right thing. HOW SCREWED UP. I hope I never do that again.
***
I didn't make Mother cry. She's just releasing density. My actions have no bearing on her, just has her two divorces and her neglect for me as a child had nothing to do with me, since I chose to experience all of it.
***
I really don't think she sees me as a proper human being, to be honest... with hopes, desires... a right to be human.
Lack of awareness.... think of how she must think of herself... and I am the heir of all this crap.
***
I think I am going to the ENLP thingy - the last day to buy the cheap tickets is Thursday. Allah, guide me aright. Need to release the BS.
My birthday money will cover the cost.
***
Carl called me randomly - at the right time, I was just going to send a HARSH email to Tamseela.... after what she wrote to me, pissed me off so much. He signed off by saying "Don't forget how brilliant you are," which I immediately parrotted back to him.
***
I didn't send the email, thank God. But told her I'd email when I was no longer angry. Talk about people who no longer serve me... I am itching to get rid of her..... but I still keep going back because I don't have anyone ELSE to talk to... and she is nice. But SO BLIND.
My SHADOW. ARGH. Even Marium, I want to get rid of her... don't know how. The fact that I owe both of them is stopping me..... ironic. They are either pulling me down, or showing me how much crap I still have inside of me that I am refusing to address and to let go of. They don't understand what I tell them. Argh. They depress me. they literally pull my energy down, to the point I feel as though there is no hope left...
I wish I was nicer. Whatever. ***
Hope is not blind, nor is it passive or rooted in ignorance. What it is, is faith with patience. An enduring belief that if we hold on and keep trying, we will reach better days. What it is, is the comforting song our hearts hears in times of sorrow, and the lively song our souls dance to in times of joy.
~ Sandra Kring
***
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