I have decided that I shall label the human posts as such, and the divinely inspired, spirit posts as such. Helps to differentiate the different parts of me.
And to lessen the self-judgement.
***
Bismillah hir rahmaan nir raheem.
Accomplishments for today:
***
Yesterday, was the second night of my calling the energy of my next guy. He came. Can't tell what his name is. All I know is that the love that comes is stable and comforting... he loves me for who I am. He is very wise and aware.. and hot and sexy... and funny. At least... I think so :) In my crazy reality, we resisted on Wednesday night because of my hair (I had straightened it) and he also said that I'd regret it again... doing it without having a proper relationship and a mut'ah... like I have regretted doing it with thingybob. But... last night... I have my womanly needs. Whatever. I'm done analysing my weirdness.
I'm done analysing the situations I keep facing with people from the past... or people who are showing me where I am still stuck, rigid, blind and not moving forward.
May my lessons be gentle now... may they truly be gentle. I told You I am committed to waking up, to being popped.
***
I keep getting feverish.
I wore my hijab today, didn't yesterday, didn't the day before when I met Fatema... and then half way, I changed my mind and wore the hijab (partly because it had gotten curly due to rain).
It would be nice if I stuck to one or the other, but in a way... they both are authentically me. I'm just choosing to continue to go with what feels right.
What makes me feel like myself.
***
God, this isolationary 7 year is sure lonely. The past week or so I just don't feel like calling people. Saima... or anyone. Everyone is triggering me off :)
***
I love this song. It makes me feels so sad :)
***
Hope I get the inspiration to write something "original".. will feel good...
***
A thread of dissatisfaction has crept into my heart again... especially when speaking to people who don't clear their energies and I have the double work of clearing myself of their energies and of maintaining the vibration I have kept. Sigh...
***
I finally yelled at Tamseela, and in her reply, I swear to GOD, she sounds like Imran. It doesn't help that she uses the Microsoft Outlook and that stupid J comes up :(
She used my full name three times in the email when expressing her dislike.... just like they all do... Imran, Tazeen....why???? Why do people do that? I don't do that!!!! Or do I?
***
It rained today.... blessings from Allah. And the people here MOAN. Even though they KNOW we are in a drought that will last all year.
"Man is surely ungrateful... how many of His blessings will you deny?"
***
I don't like being around non-spiritual people. They drag me down... Mala is atheist... sigh. She's been so generous with me... never letting me pay each time we go for a meal :( People just don't understand that although I have complained a lot about money and my lack of it and about texting rates and phone plans and being stingy about things.... I know, I know...
but do you realise that I feel like I am being bought when you constantly GIVE? And large sums of money--- how do you expect me to repay? :)
We all have our dignity... all of us, even the poor ones :)
***
I want to go to Africa... my roots.... and to see the kids. They are pure light. And eat matoke and beans... yum... and to smell that red mitti after the rain.... Inshallah soon....
***
I need to get out of London. It's making it hard to be humble here. My humility is less, humiliation is more.
I can do it, but it just becomes more challenging to be in society, be around the people and yet not be influenced by them.
Just ask Allah for help, Suki until He grants you leave to travel once more :)
Keep feeling grateful for Cuba and maybe He'll shift the energy and let you travel again.
***
Iraq.... Turkey... where???? Which is the most spiritual place I can go next month, Allah?
When will me and twin flame munna meet? Is it May 19th? (the date popped up when I asked - haven't a clue)....
I know You know nothing but gentleness and kindness... bring me back to You..... release this unease in my space and replace it with peace and trust....
I think I need to cry to release energies.
***
The chips Mala bought for me at Wimpy were really good. I don't like going to Wimpy - the owners and management give off a vibe that doesn't sit well with me. Starers :P
***
Okay - I have decided: I shall go to the park tomorrow. Last Sunday, I needed to go to the cemetery... and I did. I prayed to Allah. Silently. Sat on the bench next to Shoudi Elgebeily (whom I had asked to be a spirit guide, but I don't think he accepted lol) - head in hands, in the wind and cold... just being there in my measly human form. Then the rain started and I realised I had left my umbrella in the other cemetery, by the tree. it was there. I was so grateful, I did sajda e shukar right there, in front of some people.
I've given up on people. They make no sense to me any longer.
***
"Your beauty is inside you
Don't let them bring you down No
Your beauty is inside you
Don't let them bring you down No"
~ Beautiful People, Chris Brown
***
My ego is having a field day judging everyone.... grrr..... and doing weird shit and maligning people then feeling guilty so making up for it and argh.
***
I'd better pray my salaat tonight.
***
My mum rang me yesterday... went on about my non-hijabi photo, so I told her... you can delete me from Facebook, she said no, that's not it....
She had asked me to change something on her profile, so after I did all the necessary things... I unfriended myself from her profile. lol.
Then she went on about how Imran was on my LinkedIn so he would be able to see my photo there. So I got a bit fed up and just said, point blank: Mum, he didn't want me when I was in his life... ab kya? He's married, he has his own wife to lust after....
She agreed to that.
But today, I just deleted her (my mum) from LinkedIn.
I looked at the old message Imran sent me... and went meh... not worthy of me at all :P
He freaking scared me with his indifference and intensely weird behaviour... khair hai...
I felt like writing on Facebook.... I have a stalker, who googles me and knows what's going on on FB and LinkedIn - MY MOTHER!
But the people on my FB list don't get my sense of humour.... no one has gotten what I wrote about the Bekarar song.
***
My twin flame and I will have exactly the same sense of humour so we can really click. No one really gets my sense of humour sometimes.
***
Like that lady Sara from SimplyShia - she never replied, she just deleted my profile (yes, I was so bored, I signed back in, but couldn't :) )
***
Sakina is having the relationship I wanted - at 19.... he sounds like a nice enough lad, 20 years old. I hope that she survives the relationship - it's her first one. She's more confident than I ever was... Jesus, she's NINETEEN! :P They actually sound a lot more mature than I was... whatever.
I've just let it be.....
I told her I could be her chaperon if she wanted me to be... lol. I said, hey I'm only there for the free food lol.
I told her, he sounds so nice... (he texts her good morning and good night daily)... I wanna date him just to see what kind of a guy he is... and so he can be my second date ;) lol.
And so he can prove....
***
I'm really appreciating the apple and cherry blossom on the trees this year. I love cherry blossoms... all pink and fluffy :) They make me smile and feel like everything will work out okay.
***
I need to dance.... I can't until my dad leaves his room and the house - meaning Monday. Argh. Because all the AA batteries have died for my radio. Computer is only source of music. Unless I take his radio. Sigh. Have Farhat aunty's iPod but she forgot to give me the charger :P
***
I found a bunch of new posters and put them in a new FB album. Stop being lazy and look at them already :P
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151569382510333.846874.876410332&type=3
***
I don't even feel like calling Ashiya. Weird. I gave up on Saima, she can be so London-ish and whatever... anyway, I'm just too sensitive, innit?
***
This is my holiday song... I NEED A BEACH. NOW. I love Dido :)
***
On Thursday, had a great time. We ate at Pizza Express. I chose a great dish, spinach and fromage cannelloni. And we ate gelato with banoffee pie. Yum. Then we ate mini Cinnabons - coz we were too full to eat a full one. But next time, I'm having a full one... yum.
***
Knowledge is learning something every day.
Wisdom is letting go of something every day.
~ Zen proverb
***
Also... I have three Scorpios... Ascendant, Moon, Mars... and Pluto (but we all do who were born between something and something years - too sleepy and blah to look it up)
Lol... I looked it up after I wrote that.
"The age group that's 16 to 27 now, has Pluto in Scorpio, and many also have Neptune, Uranus and/or Saturn in earth sign Capricorn. This is a formidable group that will dig deep into their own soul reserves to unearth ancient wisdom, and make it new. They are a driven and powerful generation with what it takes to compost the old into the new.
The gift of the Pluto Scorpio generation is the wisdom to "die many times, before you die" as the Sufi saying goes. And to dive in the deep end of whatever lurks in that cauldron of soul, trusting in the transformation that spits you out as someone new. I've had the pleasure of consulting with a few of them and descriptions like profound and old souls come to mind. I'm sure they will bring depth back to our culture, in art, media, story, performance and truly holistic medicine (with the soul health considered).
It takes courage to let go, and trust the process that's demanding something deeper, more authentic -- not knowing what dark places it'll take you to. This happens, too, in the chaos of change, when it may not be clear what's being let loose, provoked, stirred up, created. I see a wise strategy in full engagement in the moment, and trust in that life-death-life process that's going on on a grander scale."
~
End Times, Emerging Culture
The Pluto in Scorpio generation is coming of age in a time of decay, collapse, institutional corruption, degeneration, and extreme societal change. They are made of strong stuff and are up for the task. They CAN handle the truth. But the pathway through may involve some kind of annihilation, humbling loss of power or confrontation with death itself.
They are now age 16 to 27 (as of 2011). Some have been to hell and back in war, where the deaths by suicide are at times higher than the deaths in combat, in a given month. In Pluto's trials, many will experience spiritual death and renewal, and carry profound wisdom and fearlessness from that. Some may struggle with addictions, an attraction to crime, or the allure of sorcery (psychic power over others).
Dark Magic Through their drive to live from the soul, they will transform our world, and free us from the tyranny of the superficial, the healed-over wound, the burden of denial. Only the deep and real will do for them.
Many grew up on Harry Potter, and have a compelling interest in what’s occulted (hidden). They will draw psychopathic death-dealing conspiracy out of the shadows, and rebuild society on the ashes of what’s been purified in Pluto’s fire. They’ll create powerful art, music, story from their journeys into the underworld, psychically and physically.
The Ones Who Will Change Everything This generation was born under weighty star material, and many come across as old souls. The ingresses went like this:
Since so much is in flux, this is a generation with the patience to wait for the right timing. They find their power, in the transformation of a dying paradigm.
My sense is that this generation will rewrite history in many foundational areas, in part by reclaiming ancient wisdom. They'll also revamp the systems of currency and production, in favor of practices that are self-sustaining. They have an instinct for the power of the life-death-life cycle. Some will go deep into sexual power, as a tool for transformation. Practices like tantra, and bringing soul back to sex will be intriguing. Through their investigations, they'll bring forward something ancient, and yet new -- healing the deep wounds of humanity experienced through sexuality.
Regenerating (Pluto) through total inside-out transformation (Scorpio):
~
Just so you know :) It explains A LOT... A LOT!
And now, since I am feeling sooo sleepy - I pray: Allah, lead me to the prayer mat. Then sleep. And gratitude.
And release....
I surrender all my "troubles" and "problems" to You, Allah....
Wallahul Kahyrur Raaziqeen...
I love You Allah.. I really do.
Thank You. Thank You for the honour of being your servant, of being able to choose to wake up, to burn off the conformity.... to be me. My authentic Self.
And for not really giving me a choice... that I am compelled to do so, from within and then people kicking me on the backside from without. Lol.
***
May all our lessons be gentle.
This is what Mr Sagittarius, Mars and Venus in Libra, accused me of - playing games. No wonder I flew off the handle, because that's what HE was doing :(
I was intensely secretive about emotions, but unwavering... up until.. um... last week? (I sincerely hope it's dead now!!!)
And to lessen the self-judgement.
***
Bismillah hir rahmaan nir raheem.
Accomplishments for today:
- I published two nice blog posts for people to read and learn from.On the other blog. Stop being lazy and check it out already :P http://ohealerhealthyself.blogspot.co.uk/
- I did a load of laundry.
- I bought groceries.
- I met Mala, didn't cancel due to moods. Although she kept going on about my not being in a good mood and I was like... leave me alone, aight?
- I have just done another Energy of Abundance call. Feels good, calms down the nervous energy.
- I added my energy to the Change the World call.
- I walked for forty minutes (to and from Morden)
- I prayed Zohr and Asr salaat and intend very strongly to go and pray Maghrib Isha in 10 minutes time, inshallah. I got soooooo much peace from it.
***
Yesterday, was the second night of my calling the energy of my next guy. He came. Can't tell what his name is. All I know is that the love that comes is stable and comforting... he loves me for who I am. He is very wise and aware.. and hot and sexy... and funny. At least... I think so :) In my crazy reality, we resisted on Wednesday night because of my hair (I had straightened it) and he also said that I'd regret it again... doing it without having a proper relationship and a mut'ah... like I have regretted doing it with thingybob. But... last night... I have my womanly needs. Whatever. I'm done analysing my weirdness.
I'm done analysing the situations I keep facing with people from the past... or people who are showing me where I am still stuck, rigid, blind and not moving forward.
May my lessons be gentle now... may they truly be gentle. I told You I am committed to waking up, to being popped.
***
I keep getting feverish.
I wore my hijab today, didn't yesterday, didn't the day before when I met Fatema... and then half way, I changed my mind and wore the hijab (partly because it had gotten curly due to rain).
It would be nice if I stuck to one or the other, but in a way... they both are authentically me. I'm just choosing to continue to go with what feels right.
What makes me feel like myself.
***
God, this isolationary 7 year is sure lonely. The past week or so I just don't feel like calling people. Saima... or anyone. Everyone is triggering me off :)
***
I love this song. It makes me feels so sad :)
***
Hope I get the inspiration to write something "original".. will feel good...
***
A thread of dissatisfaction has crept into my heart again... especially when speaking to people who don't clear their energies and I have the double work of clearing myself of their energies and of maintaining the vibration I have kept. Sigh...
***
I finally yelled at Tamseela, and in her reply, I swear to GOD, she sounds like Imran. It doesn't help that she uses the Microsoft Outlook and that stupid J comes up :(
She used my full name three times in the email when expressing her dislike.... just like they all do... Imran, Tazeen....why???? Why do people do that? I don't do that!!!! Or do I?
***
It rained today.... blessings from Allah. And the people here MOAN. Even though they KNOW we are in a drought that will last all year.
"Man is surely ungrateful... how many of His blessings will you deny?"
***
I don't like being around non-spiritual people. They drag me down... Mala is atheist... sigh. She's been so generous with me... never letting me pay each time we go for a meal :( People just don't understand that although I have complained a lot about money and my lack of it and about texting rates and phone plans and being stingy about things.... I know, I know...
but do you realise that I feel like I am being bought when you constantly GIVE? And large sums of money--- how do you expect me to repay? :)
We all have our dignity... all of us, even the poor ones :)
***
I want to go to Africa... my roots.... and to see the kids. They are pure light. And eat matoke and beans... yum... and to smell that red mitti after the rain.... Inshallah soon....
***
I need to get out of London. It's making it hard to be humble here. My humility is less, humiliation is more.
I can do it, but it just becomes more challenging to be in society, be around the people and yet not be influenced by them.
Just ask Allah for help, Suki until He grants you leave to travel once more :)
Keep feeling grateful for Cuba and maybe He'll shift the energy and let you travel again.
***
Iraq.... Turkey... where???? Which is the most spiritual place I can go next month, Allah?
When will me and twin flame munna meet? Is it May 19th? (the date popped up when I asked - haven't a clue)....
I know You know nothing but gentleness and kindness... bring me back to You..... release this unease in my space and replace it with peace and trust....
I think I need to cry to release energies.
***
The chips Mala bought for me at Wimpy were really good. I don't like going to Wimpy - the owners and management give off a vibe that doesn't sit well with me. Starers :P
***
Okay - I have decided: I shall go to the park tomorrow. Last Sunday, I needed to go to the cemetery... and I did. I prayed to Allah. Silently. Sat on the bench next to Shoudi Elgebeily (whom I had asked to be a spirit guide, but I don't think he accepted lol) - head in hands, in the wind and cold... just being there in my measly human form. Then the rain started and I realised I had left my umbrella in the other cemetery, by the tree. it was there. I was so grateful, I did sajda e shukar right there, in front of some people.
I've given up on people. They make no sense to me any longer.
***
"Your beauty is inside you
Don't let them bring you down No
Your beauty is inside you
Don't let them bring you down No"
~ Beautiful People, Chris Brown
***
My ego is having a field day judging everyone.... grrr..... and doing weird shit and maligning people then feeling guilty so making up for it and argh.
***
I'd better pray my salaat tonight.
***
My mum rang me yesterday... went on about my non-hijabi photo, so I told her... you can delete me from Facebook, she said no, that's not it....
She had asked me to change something on her profile, so after I did all the necessary things... I unfriended myself from her profile. lol.
Then she went on about how Imran was on my LinkedIn so he would be able to see my photo there. So I got a bit fed up and just said, point blank: Mum, he didn't want me when I was in his life... ab kya? He's married, he has his own wife to lust after....
She agreed to that.
But today, I just deleted her (my mum) from LinkedIn.
I looked at the old message Imran sent me... and went meh... not worthy of me at all :P
He freaking scared me with his indifference and intensely weird behaviour... khair hai...
I felt like writing on Facebook.... I have a stalker, who googles me and knows what's going on on FB and LinkedIn - MY MOTHER!
But the people on my FB list don't get my sense of humour.... no one has gotten what I wrote about the Bekarar song.
***
My twin flame and I will have exactly the same sense of humour so we can really click. No one really gets my sense of humour sometimes.
***
Like that lady Sara from SimplyShia - she never replied, she just deleted my profile (yes, I was so bored, I signed back in, but couldn't :) )
***
Sakina is having the relationship I wanted - at 19.... he sounds like a nice enough lad, 20 years old. I hope that she survives the relationship - it's her first one. She's more confident than I ever was... Jesus, she's NINETEEN! :P They actually sound a lot more mature than I was... whatever.
I've just let it be.....
I told her I could be her chaperon if she wanted me to be... lol. I said, hey I'm only there for the free food lol.
I told her, he sounds so nice... (he texts her good morning and good night daily)... I wanna date him just to see what kind of a guy he is... and so he can be my second date ;) lol.
And so he can prove....
***
I'm really appreciating the apple and cherry blossom on the trees this year. I love cherry blossoms... all pink and fluffy :) They make me smile and feel like everything will work out okay.
***
I need to dance.... I can't until my dad leaves his room and the house - meaning Monday. Argh. Because all the AA batteries have died for my radio. Computer is only source of music. Unless I take his radio. Sigh. Have Farhat aunty's iPod but she forgot to give me the charger :P
***
I found a bunch of new posters and put them in a new FB album. Stop being lazy and look at them already :P
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151569382510333.846874.876410332&type=3
***
I don't even feel like calling Ashiya. Weird. I gave up on Saima, she can be so London-ish and whatever... anyway, I'm just too sensitive, innit?
***
This is my holiday song... I NEED A BEACH. NOW. I love Dido :)
***
On Thursday, had a great time. We ate at Pizza Express. I chose a great dish, spinach and fromage cannelloni. And we ate gelato with banoffee pie. Yum. Then we ate mini Cinnabons - coz we were too full to eat a full one. But next time, I'm having a full one... yum.
***
Knowledge is learning something every day.
Wisdom is letting go of something every day.
~ Zen proverb
***
I edited the Songs of Innocence and Experience again today (on the other blog, remind me to do it here, too)... added his last nice message to me about my being special yada yada. Felt as though it fit... and told more of the story... my ego got its belly rub, too :P But now when I read it, it's just lies. Nothing... it meant nothing for him to write it :) I was the one who had intuition screaming out the truth, but my naive gullibility and wanting to have it all... sigh...oh! Yes! This is why....
Also... I have three Scorpios... Ascendant, Moon, Mars... and Pluto (but we all do who were born between something and something years - too sleepy and blah to look it up)
Lol... I looked it up after I wrote that.
"The age group that's 16 to 27 now, has Pluto in Scorpio, and many also have Neptune, Uranus and/or Saturn in earth sign Capricorn. This is a formidable group that will dig deep into their own soul reserves to unearth ancient wisdom, and make it new. They are a driven and powerful generation with what it takes to compost the old into the new.
The gift of the Pluto Scorpio generation is the wisdom to "die many times, before you die" as the Sufi saying goes. And to dive in the deep end of whatever lurks in that cauldron of soul, trusting in the transformation that spits you out as someone new. I've had the pleasure of consulting with a few of them and descriptions like profound and old souls come to mind. I'm sure they will bring depth back to our culture, in art, media, story, performance and truly holistic medicine (with the soul health considered).
It takes courage to let go, and trust the process that's demanding something deeper, more authentic -- not knowing what dark places it'll take you to. This happens, too, in the chaos of change, when it may not be clear what's being let loose, provoked, stirred up, created. I see a wise strategy in full engagement in the moment, and trust in that life-death-life process that's going on on a grander scale."
~
End Times, Emerging Culture
The Pluto in Scorpio generation is coming of age in a time of decay, collapse, institutional corruption, degeneration, and extreme societal change. They are made of strong stuff and are up for the task. They CAN handle the truth. But the pathway through may involve some kind of annihilation, humbling loss of power or confrontation with death itself.
They are now age 16 to 27 (as of 2011). Some have been to hell and back in war, where the deaths by suicide are at times higher than the deaths in combat, in a given month. In Pluto's trials, many will experience spiritual death and renewal, and carry profound wisdom and fearlessness from that. Some may struggle with addictions, an attraction to crime, or the allure of sorcery (psychic power over others).
Dark Magic Through their drive to live from the soul, they will transform our world, and free us from the tyranny of the superficial, the healed-over wound, the burden of denial. Only the deep and real will do for them.
Many grew up on Harry Potter, and have a compelling interest in what’s occulted (hidden). They will draw psychopathic death-dealing conspiracy out of the shadows, and rebuild society on the ashes of what’s been purified in Pluto’s fire. They’ll create powerful art, music, story from their journeys into the underworld, psychically and physically.
The Ones Who Will Change Everything This generation was born under weighty star material, and many come across as old souls. The ingresses went like this:
- Pluto into Scorpio in 1983.
- Neptune into cardinal earth Capricorn from 1988 to 1995.
- Uranus in Capricorn from 1988 to 1995.
- Saturn in Capricorn in 1989 and 1990.
- In 1993, Uranus and Neptune were exact at 18-19 degrees Capricorn. This group will dream up new, at times shockingly disruptive plans for society. They have sight beyond the entrenched ways, and their imaginations are geared toward the substantial, the material and dreaming a new dream on Earth.
Since so much is in flux, this is a generation with the patience to wait for the right timing. They find their power, in the transformation of a dying paradigm.
My sense is that this generation will rewrite history in many foundational areas, in part by reclaiming ancient wisdom. They'll also revamp the systems of currency and production, in favor of practices that are self-sustaining. They have an instinct for the power of the life-death-life cycle. Some will go deep into sexual power, as a tool for transformation. Practices like tantra, and bringing soul back to sex will be intriguing. Through their investigations, they'll bring forward something ancient, and yet new -- healing the deep wounds of humanity experienced through sexuality.
Regenerating (Pluto) through total inside-out transformation (Scorpio):
- Cathartic, altering experiences in war, economic devastation, homelessness (loss of psychic foundation), the bondage of debt, sexual degradation/merging/corruption.
- Healers that hone in on the root causes of dis-ease.
- Healing mind-body split further with soul retrieval, ensouling practices, the power of soulful presence.
~
Just so you know :) It explains A LOT... A LOT!
And now, since I am feeling sooo sleepy - I pray: Allah, lead me to the prayer mat. Then sleep. And gratitude.
And release....
I surrender all my "troubles" and "problems" to You, Allah....
Wallahul Kahyrur Raaziqeen...
I love You Allah.. I really do.
Thank You. Thank You for the honour of being your servant, of being able to choose to wake up, to burn off the conformity.... to be me. My authentic Self.
And for not really giving me a choice... that I am compelled to do so, from within and then people kicking me on the backside from without. Lol.
***
May all our lessons be gentle.
This is what Mr Sagittarius, Mars and Venus in Libra, accused me of - playing games. No wonder I flew off the handle, because that's what HE was doing :(
I was intensely secretive about emotions, but unwavering... up until.. um... last week? (I sincerely hope it's dead now!!!)
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