So I have been thinking of him for the past three days. Not during the day. Not obsessively. At night, when it's time to go to sleep. I imagine him, or rather he imagines me. Or it's real energetically. It's not as though I am calling him. He comes. He's there. And he's very loving. Very attentive. Very in tune. He's his highest self, the man I saw in him, the loving, kind, gentle, tender man. The man I fell in love with, the one I chose to be my soul mate.
Not the man he currently is.
He makes me really want to be in a proper relationship.
Allah, please make it happen.
I want someone to hold me in his arms and hug me and adore me. My legal, Shia Muslim husband.
Just like he does in my fantasies.
I keep asking him if he's married, he says no. It doesn't really matter, I'm not going back to him. but at least I can be assured I'm not sleeping with/ fantasising about a married man.
After the cousin's wedding this weekend, my life will be the same.
I shall came back to this house, with this father and it is all the same. Even now, I am using his computer and he is sitting on his bed, eating and chewing obnoxiously loudly and I'm like wtf? This is my life?
I came back from an entire day in Central London and boy, am I really beginning to detest the people who live here. Zara bhi lehaz nahi hai. Littering and bumping into people, they don't look. This lady sitting across from me on the tube just now, constantly staring at me. But with an empty, evil look. I just closed my eyes and prayed to Allah to clear my energy.
last Thursday, when I was lost between Bank and Monument station while going to meet Faiza, it was horrid. This guy collecting subscriptions for either the British Heart Foundation or the British Red Cross was so rude. Now I can't even report him because I can't remember who he was collecting for. I said, I already donate to charity and when I can, I shall donate here as well. He give me a sneer, a look and says, I find it hard to believe you. So I got pissed off and said, I don't need you to believe me.
God knows what he would have said if I was wearing hijab at the time.
People here are honestly unbelievably rude, except for the people who have come here from abroad. In the beginning they are all nice.
I've spent a lot of money this week. Commuting... and then buying lunch outside twice. And chocolate.
No sign of my period. Maybe today...
Allah please don't forsake me, please don't. I only have You. You made me born, not to be dependent on other people.
And please send em someone better than Sidra or Art to show me aright... to guide me to my next good...because Sidra encouraged me to remove my hijab and I fell for it... the temptation, and she doesn't even have her own life in check. She walks on the carpet with her shoes, she puts her shoes on the table to put them on, she gives people's possessions to me without their permission - gets away with it and it's not even her stuff.
Somehow, I feel You will forgive her every single sin... you've taken her places, and and now she is in South Africa and You gave her the power to fire me.... and so she did. Tazeen, as well.... I hate her and she knws it because you have her the power to know these things intuitively... psychically.
I have absolutely nothing.
Do you realise how funny this is?
It's sad. How can you perpetuate just inequality, injustice?
what about me?
I need proper guidance.... trustworthy people, not people who wear bikinis and teach their kids to swear, not people who sleep around before marriage and want to have promiscuous sex and get "roaring drunk" because she will be able to do so once she manifests herself out of Karachi.
You know I deserve better from Thee.
I deserve a lot better from Thee than the father you gave me, than Imran, than Tazeen, Sidra and all of them who fall flat. I deserve better than Ali, who hasn't texted me back for almost two weeks.
I deserve better than the relatives who make my skin crawl.
I even deserve better than myself.
I'd like a lap top, please. And a holiday. Turkey.
Overall I had a good day - just tired. And counting the ££££ spent this past week with no earnings whatsoever, thanks to being fired and to my now having a job.
And kind of wish I'd just stick to wearing proper hijab instead of not wearing it and hoping people check me out. They don't. And if they do, then I have to clear my energy from their lustful energy.
Thankfully, my hari was looking so dry, horrid and fly away on the way back, I put my hijab back on.
Not so good new for my appearance at the weddings and in the mosque - unless I just keep the hijab on. Not like I gonna meet any guys at a mosque, right?
Why have I become like this? I have become - like THEM.
I just want my proper husband. Please. Please. Please. Not all these fakers on the website.
PLEASE.
Oh, and I tried the clothes on again... they are loose! Please let other people be less critical of my appearance than I am. I am officially overweight - both cheeks are chubby now. Damn.
Really tired and keep making typos.
Allah, please be here for me.
Help me decide about tomorrow evening - whatever is in my highest good please. Stay here or go.... astakheerullah :)
Not the man he currently is.
He makes me really want to be in a proper relationship.
Allah, please make it happen.
I want someone to hold me in his arms and hug me and adore me. My legal, Shia Muslim husband.
Just like he does in my fantasies.
I keep asking him if he's married, he says no. It doesn't really matter, I'm not going back to him. but at least I can be assured I'm not sleeping with/ fantasising about a married man.
After the cousin's wedding this weekend, my life will be the same.
I shall came back to this house, with this father and it is all the same. Even now, I am using his computer and he is sitting on his bed, eating and chewing obnoxiously loudly and I'm like wtf? This is my life?
I came back from an entire day in Central London and boy, am I really beginning to detest the people who live here. Zara bhi lehaz nahi hai. Littering and bumping into people, they don't look. This lady sitting across from me on the tube just now, constantly staring at me. But with an empty, evil look. I just closed my eyes and prayed to Allah to clear my energy.
last Thursday, when I was lost between Bank and Monument station while going to meet Faiza, it was horrid. This guy collecting subscriptions for either the British Heart Foundation or the British Red Cross was so rude. Now I can't even report him because I can't remember who he was collecting for. I said, I already donate to charity and when I can, I shall donate here as well. He give me a sneer, a look and says, I find it hard to believe you. So I got pissed off and said, I don't need you to believe me.
God knows what he would have said if I was wearing hijab at the time.
People here are honestly unbelievably rude, except for the people who have come here from abroad. In the beginning they are all nice.
I've spent a lot of money this week. Commuting... and then buying lunch outside twice. And chocolate.
No sign of my period. Maybe today...
Allah please don't forsake me, please don't. I only have You. You made me born, not to be dependent on other people.
And please send em someone better than Sidra or Art to show me aright... to guide me to my next good...because Sidra encouraged me to remove my hijab and I fell for it... the temptation, and she doesn't even have her own life in check. She walks on the carpet with her shoes, she puts her shoes on the table to put them on, she gives people's possessions to me without their permission - gets away with it and it's not even her stuff.
Somehow, I feel You will forgive her every single sin... you've taken her places, and and now she is in South Africa and You gave her the power to fire me.... and so she did. Tazeen, as well.... I hate her and she knws it because you have her the power to know these things intuitively... psychically.
I have absolutely nothing.
Do you realise how funny this is?
It's sad. How can you perpetuate just inequality, injustice?
what about me?
I need proper guidance.... trustworthy people, not people who wear bikinis and teach their kids to swear, not people who sleep around before marriage and want to have promiscuous sex and get "roaring drunk" because she will be able to do so once she manifests herself out of Karachi.
You know I deserve better from Thee.
I deserve a lot better from Thee than the father you gave me, than Imran, than Tazeen, Sidra and all of them who fall flat. I deserve better than Ali, who hasn't texted me back for almost two weeks.
I deserve better than the relatives who make my skin crawl.
I even deserve better than myself.
I'd like a lap top, please. And a holiday. Turkey.
Overall I had a good day - just tired. And counting the ££££ spent this past week with no earnings whatsoever, thanks to being fired and to my now having a job.
And kind of wish I'd just stick to wearing proper hijab instead of not wearing it and hoping people check me out. They don't. And if they do, then I have to clear my energy from their lustful energy.
Thankfully, my hari was looking so dry, horrid and fly away on the way back, I put my hijab back on.
Not so good new for my appearance at the weddings and in the mosque - unless I just keep the hijab on. Not like I gonna meet any guys at a mosque, right?
Why have I become like this? I have become - like THEM.
I just want my proper husband. Please. Please. Please. Not all these fakers on the website.
PLEASE.
Oh, and I tried the clothes on again... they are loose! Please let other people be less critical of my appearance than I am. I am officially overweight - both cheeks are chubby now. Damn.
Really tired and keep making typos.
Allah, please be here for me.
Help me decide about tomorrow evening - whatever is in my highest good please. Stay here or go.... astakheerullah :)
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