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Repeating it all over again

I seek forgiveness from You, Allah. May Ihsan find it in his heart to forgive me if I offended him.

Oh dear. He still hasn't replied. I reread the email. I sound really horrible. I sound completely divorced from the person I am. This is how I wrote to Imran, too.

What is wrong with me?

Had a good day in the sense, spent it with Nicole, who's easy going and enjoys simple pleasures. She bought me ice cream. Went to Tooting and found a pashmina shawl to match my purple top. Was able to take the bus home.

I can't believe I wrote all that stuff to Ihsan. What is wrong with me?

I can not write back to him. I managed to cut him off almost immediately. Ali has gone. And I really don't care.

Imran was right about one thing, he was extremely patient with me, most guys leave a lot earlier.All I did was push him away, because I knew it wouldn't work. And this guy, I told him up front that I didn't find him attractive. That's not very nice, that's wrong. I would have really reacted had someone told me that.

What is wrong with me? Why am I doing exactly the same things?

I'm looking for the spark, for me to be able to trust someone, to be WILLING to actually behave for a change, instead of wanting to test them "too early", to completely castrate them. Why is it so hard for me to want to love and nurture them, and to cook for them? And to get a job? Like the normal people do? And have friends, like normal people do?

I like this song. Her voice is amazing.

I'm going to sleep early.

I need a real life. Not a virtual one.

I need a job.

God, help me get myself out of this self-created plan of self destruction.

I will apologise to him, but only if he he hasn't replied to me in a week, as in next Tuesday. Why hurry the inevitable?

Looks like I will be doing that inner child work in May 2013, on a beautiful beach, looking slim and gorgeous, wearing a lovely summer dress, looking into the waves, regretting:

1) Integrating U (because Sidra has made it huge)
2) Imran
3) the fact that I have no friends and am not in a relationship.... no Tazeen. Not sure if I have any other friends.

Oh well, at least I am on a beach. And thin.

What is this life? Honestly?

The feeling is growing in me that I can't stay in London for very longer. It's not the place for me. I need to be in a place where life is simpler.

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